Hindenburg Lover

We were floating for days
We were flying the way
That doves do
And I loved you

We were sailing the sky
Watch the clouds passing by
Like a dreamland
Where should we land

We were invincible
That’s what they said
So indivisible
Wherever we went

Higher than high, yeah
I guess that we had it all
Light up the sky and then
We thought that we’d never fall

You were my Hindenburg lover we were flyin’ away
But then we took a wrong turn and it was all up in flames
And now I’m starin’ at the wreckage tryin’ make it okay
Oh yeah

I guess I got burned from the scars on my heart
But I’d be lyin’ if I said I didn’t know from the start
That there was just something in between us that would tear us apart
Oh yeah

I can still see your face
Looking back through the flames
And I search it
Was it worth it

No I don’t mind the smoke
But your tears make me choke
Will you rescue
All that we’ve been through

Higher than high, yeah
I guess that we had it all
Light up the sky and then
We thought that we’d never fall

You were my Hindenburg lover we were flyin away
But then we took a wrong turn and it was all up in flames
And now I’m starin at the wreckage tryin make it okay
Oh yeah

You were my Hindenburg lover we were flyin away
But then we took a wrong turn and it was all up in flames
And now I’m starin at the wreckage tryin make it okay
Oh yeah

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Hello, 2019.

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One day you’ll make peace with your demons, and the chaos in your heart will settle flat. And maybe for the first time in your life, life will smile right back at you and welcome you home.

It was a pretty surreal feeling to have stepped quietly into 2019. 2018 really did fly past quickly, I still remember about the countdown to 2018 so vividly and voila, it’s already a new year.

2018 was filled with laughter, breakdowns, and many many memories. Went to Ipoh for the first time with two of my dearest colleagues-turned-friends, and had multiple other short trips with ’em old friends.

2018 was also filled with multiple health scares, which were honestly quite frustrating because of how disruptive it was to my work schedule. Thankful to have made it through the year, thankful that despite the multiple health issues in people around me, we have all made it to 2019 together.

2018 consisted of dark, dark moments. Moments where everything seemed so bleak, where hope was all gone, where every little thing was a trigger & a whole lot of frustration. And yet, 2018 balanced things out by allowing me to forge strong connections with so many friends at work, who tided through difficult times together.

2018 marked the year I turned 24, and the end of 2018 also marked the 1 year mark of my time as an inpatient MSW. In the past few days leading to the end of the year, I couldn’t help but to think of my patients whom I’ve journeyed with in the past year. All the lost souls, late patients who never got the chance to make it to the new year. All their hopes, wishes, goals, ceasing upon the moment of their last breath. Thank you for being strong nevertheless, and for everything we shared during the last journey in your lives.

As a teen, I used to marvel at the 20-somethings and how they all seem to have gotten their lives together, and now being 24, it amazes me from time to time about how much responsibilities lie on my shoulder, and yet I still clearly haven’t gotten things all figured out.

Thank you 2018, you’ve been quite a ride. I’m glad it’s over.

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In 2019,

May we all learn to love ourselves a little more; to put our physical & mental health as priority, and understand that it is okay to say “no” sometimes.

To continue to love our lives no matter how difficult it seems; for living is really something that people take too carelessly for granted.

May we all be happy, in 2019.

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Poetry

Thought I found a way
Thought I found a way, yeah (found)
But you never go away (never go away)
So I guess I gotta stay now
Oh, I hope some day I’ll make it out of here
Even if it takes all night or a hundred years
Need a place to hide, but I can’t find one near
Wanna feel alive, outside I can fight my fear
Isn’t it lovely, all alone?
Heart made of glass, my mind of stone
Tear me to pieces, skin and bone
Hello, welcome home
Walkin’ out of town
Lookin’ for a better place (lookin’ for a better place)
Something’s on my mind
Always in my headspace
But I know some day I’ll make it out of here
Even if it takes all night or a hundred years
Need a place to hide, but I can’t find one near
Wanna feel alive, outside I can fight my fear
Isn’t it lovely, all alone?
Heart made of glass, my mind of stone
Tear me to pieces, skin and bone
Hello, welcome home
Woah, yeah
Yeah, ah
Woah, woah
Hello, welcome home

It’s a Billie Ellish playlist kinda Sunday morning, really love the lyrics in Lovely.

So many thoughts, so many questions these days. 2018 is ending, and I guess to some extent – good riddance?

Taking the time to reflect, spending the time to build a safe space for thoughts to (re)surface and perhaps it may be time to face some demons. Almost, but not quite yet. Amidst all the jumbled thoughts these days, the most significant revelation will probably be:

Self-destruction comes in many forms.

Till the next time x

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Drown

Broken //

I like it when it rains hard. It sounds like white noise everywhere, which is like silence but not empty.

t’was an interesting night out yesterday. Slept at 3am, and woke up at 7.30am in fear of oversleeping haha fml guess the late night thoughts shall transfer to early morning thoughts, as I sit here waiting for time to pass till it’s time to really wake up.

Really, really thankful for colleagues I’ll call as dear friends, who have been so so supportive during difficult times, I’ve grown to learn that I am not exactly the easiest person to be around, both in my hyper and low mood phases.

Yesterday’s conversations, amidst the fun & laughter, momentarily brought me back to hmm… 10 years ago? Before everything in my life started to slowly crumble & spiral downwards. I’ll acknowledge that there have been good things that emerged, but as a whole life just seems pretty screwed up. And new perspectives were introduced … who’s to say that someone is “good” or “nice” or “bad”? Which version(s) of a person are we even acknowledging when these labels get slapped on?

Until I’m able to reconcile with certain incongruences within me, I guess this shall be for the better. I’ll learn to stop worrying the people who care for and love me.

And maybe someday, I’ll start to allow myself to embrace these. Baby steps, baby steps.

Solitary

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“Tell me about the things you love, and the things you hate. Tell me what keeps you going, and what makes you falter. Tell me about the things that boil your blood, and the ocean you cry when no one is looking. Tell me anything. Tell me nothing. I will listen. Even when you have nothing but silence to offer. I will still listen.”

f.r.i.e.n.d.s

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The human desire for escape is a strong one. In fact, our brains are wired for it. We’re wired to avoid discomfort. To fantasize. To drink wine or do drugs or play video games to make it all go away. For those humans in confinement, mental or physical, the urge to seek freedom from terrible situations is desperately real. On a more mundane level, we all want fun, adventure, and play — that’s escape too.

Gotta applause myself for making it to the weekends – the past week has been the most taxing, draining, depressing and painful week at work. So thankful for the team who have been accommodating & managing my emotions, it hasn’t been easy.

Insecurities about competency as a worker, getting my ethics/values/morals all coming into play while journeying with one of my patients, and constantly asking the bigger question – what kind of worker am I turning to be? Is this really for me? There are certain journeys with patients that make you self-reflect more than others, and this past week opened my eyes/heart/perspective through working with three different patients. This is getting too much to handle.

And farewells on Friday….. 31 Aug ’18 marks the departure of two beloved colleagues/friends from this organisation. ‘ve always been someone who takes a long while to accept losses & changes, things will never be the same. And yet I’m so heartened to know that there have been many cherished memories & moments shared together 🙂 Still feeling the pain, and refusing to gain acceptance. But so happy for them, finally getting a breather from this suffocating work. Think it really takes a lot of courage to say goodbye, must have been a difficult choice to leave, as much as it pains us to witness their departure too.

Thankful to have a team that makes any form of goodbyes so, so difficult :’) May paths continue to cross in the future.

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Midnight colours

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“I look for you everywhere; small gestures made by all kinds of people in the street remind me of you, by their similarity as much as by their differences, but I cannot say what is obsessing me; it obsesses me utterly and leaves no strength to express it.”
– Franz Kafka

Unresolved feelings really do come back to hit you, even if it has been many years since. So the question is – How do I move forward, if the haunts of my past keep coming to tug me backwards?

Staycay with the team was awesome, t’was a great weekend spent with games & drinking. ‘am an absolute sucker for change, and yet things are so dynamic and change is really the only constant. May I have the strength to face the upcoming changes again. Work anxiety seems to be coming back pretty badly again, partially stemming from expectations of self and expectations from others. KTV with the team was … interesting? Have always been someone who focuses on lyrics of songs, and when sad songs become so relatable, it takes all the effort to refocus on the present & not brood over unhappy thoughts/feelings. Still enjoyed myself tremendously though, great company I’ll never trade for any other 🙂

Living and surviving work week by week, day by day. Not sure when’s the next break, but I desperately need it. My conclusion after slightly more than a year of being a social worker: it takes more than just the heart and good clinical skills to survive as a social worker.

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It really is the worst.