Stay

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Couldn’t have found a quote that’s more apt than the above to summarise what I’ve been dealing with for the past few days. Kind of want to gather the courage and do something about it, and yet at the same time, I’m wondering if it’s selfish on my end.

Thought I’d be okay with it again this time, but turns out it just hits back a lot worse than it did before – and I guess this also means something. For it has reached the point where it’s affecting my daily living, my work, and everything else. And I catch my thoughts drifting to it every now and then … how do I draw the line?

Feeling very apologetic to the two friends (y’all know who you are) who constantly & tirelessly entertain my episodes again & again, and even just now when I just couldn’t function at work anymore and had to rant it out before I completely broke down. I know y’all mean well for me, and I really appreciate it really. But sometimes, more often than not, the right thing to do isn’t the easiest of all options.

Should I just remain silent & let things continue to remain status quo, or should I do something and risk causing irreversible damage?

Maybe all I need is that bout of courage. And yet maybe, somewhere deep in my heart, I’m hoping for that bout to never, ever come.

Shall end this post with a song I discovered just moments ago –

And the truth set us free unchain my heart
And I know after an ending comes a start

Us

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The problem with people like me is that we care too much. We break our hearts into pieces and give them away, until they are all gone. And we try to live with the broken hearts and broken souls we are left with.

We sacrifice our own happiness to make others smile. But in the process we lose ourselves.  We extinguish the sparks in our eyes and the fire in our bellies in order to fuel the dreams of others. We are the people who laugh at the end of every sentence and place a smiley face at the end of every text, to make sure our friends don’t think we are mad when we say “I need to go.” we are the people with loud thoughts and quiet voices, refusing to speak our minds at the fear of hurting another’s feelings.

We are the people who would give our own life to save a stranger.

Honesty

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Self-confidence, I’m realizing, is a lot deeper than just thinking I’m beautiful and being free in who I am. It also includes being confident in my decisions and trusting myself to be committed to the things I want to do. To step outside of my comfort zone and assure myself that I will be okay in doing so. This kind of self-confidence will help me see the success I want to see.

(cr: tumblr)

Transition from being a student to being a full-time working adult was . . . odd. But it has been an interesting ride thus far, and to say the very least I’m (thankfully) enjoying the process as a whole. Definitely more responsibilities, and the need to be independent is a lot more prominent than ever before.

As much as I’m trying my best to be conscious about certain things, thinking back about the past week, I realised instances where I was unintentionally & unknowingly viewing circumstances of others through my personal lens. I need to be more mindful, and to not let my inexperience get in the way of the assistance/help I can offer as a worker to my patients hmm.

3 weeks into the job and I can safely say that I really, really love what I’m doing even though it might get so fast paced/exhausting/tiring at times. Started to OT already but I blame it on nothing but my lack of efficiency and that I’m still trying to get used to things. Hopefully I’ll get more productive in the coming weeks & shorten the time needed whoopiewhoooop! Feeling incredibly blessed to have such supportive & nice colleagues too 🙂 I think the work environment is so important/crucial in ensuring survival in this industry as a whole haha.

Engaged in random splurges of clothes, makeup, books in the past week…….. shame on you when you lack that discipline but still preach to your patients about the importance of self-control lol. Must be the stress haha, but taking this long weekend as a form of respite before the craziness hits again when Tuesday comes.

Being a social worker is really a life-long learning process, and I’m so thankful for all the support as I trudge through this journey, both with fellow social workers & the clients/patients I work with 🙂 Feeling so blessed!

Slowly, but surely :’) These 6 months wouldn’t be easy, but I know it’ll be more than worth it.

Bumper Cars

You and me, we’re bumper cars
The more I try to get to you
The more we crash apart, no
Round and round we chase the sparks
But all that seems to lead to
Is a pile of broken parts

Really should be heading to bed soon/now but I can’t stop listening to this song on repeat. Old song, latest discovery, new favourite song/addiction :’)

P.S. excited to embark on a new chapter in life, starting tomorrow whoopee may it be filled with meaning aaaaand may I not screw up at this whole adulting thing ohboy.

Despacito

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Be patient with all things, but especially with yourself.

Spent my morning clearing my unread chats on both whatsapp & telegram, accumulated from as long as 3 years ago…….. it felt weird? A good kind of weird, took some trips down memory lane, brought back many memories filled with nostalgia.

Looking back at my life in the past few years, I’m mostly glad about how things panned out eventually, and proud that I’m still standing even after all the setbacks & times where I truly felt like I wouldn’t have made it out alive haha.

These two weeks present new challenges for me – termination with youths & elderly whom I have been befriending for a long time, and subsequently transiting into the workforce as a full-time working adult hmm.

And … had my final farewells to the youths during adventure camp in the past weekend. It’s no easy feat saying goodbye to youths you’ve watched grow & mature over the past three years, and how these usually cheeky & naughty youths actually expressed their true feelings of sadness over the departure of the graduates from YR.

Glad that through this final camp, I got to know a youth a lot better through our conversation after Night Maze 🙂 Talked about things that ranged from the simple ‘what are you studying now?’, to things more personal & hit closer to home. My youth asked me ‘what do you hate most about yourself?’, and I threw the question back to him (after answering), and what spiralled from there was a whole conversation about social norms, hopes for the future, our personal values & beliefs etc.

For these youths are the very ones who’ll change the world with their perspectives in the future, these youths are the ones we should be looking out for & these youths should be the ones protected from all the discrimination or pre-conceived judgements by ignorant others out there in society. These youths have so, so much to offer, if only one would slow down & trudge alongside them in their journey. Thank you for all the lessons taught, thank you for all the memories in the past three years, I’ll never forget them :’)

With tears of sadness, nostalgia, unwillingness, and yet those very same tears that are filled with hope & thankfulness, bade my youths goodbye & beautifully concluded my journey with YR as an undergraduate.

It’s just goodnight & not goodbye, but thank you for making this goodnight so hard, for it shows how much this means to me ❤