Time

tumblr_npc41lfkfx1uthxyro1_400

On days when you feel the storm in you rages more than it normally does, than it should be, I hope you remember that the biggest star is on its way to you. The Sun with the warmest love, will soon shine upon you.

The past few weeks have been about transitions.

Bade farewell to my surgical family late last month, and officially transitioned into the Hope team on 27 May. Pretty surreal that this change happened, but glad for this opportunity nevertheless. It was admittedly a shock, and I was overwhelmed by the change due to the tight timeline I had to complete my transition. Part one of transition is more or less completed, may part two be a smooth one too. Still not sure if I have what it takes to be a competent worker, but life is all about challenges right? May I continue learning, growing & gain new insights in this new journey ahead.

Started my third year as a social worker in the medical setting earlier this week on 5 June. It’s amazing how quickly time goes by, and I’m shocked at how I managed to survive the past 2 years. It hasn’t been easy and the number of times I broke down…. countless haha. I’ve always said that if possible, I’d like to stay in the medical setting for a long time. But if you asked me the question half a year ago, my answer may have been “I don’t know (how long more I can sustain)”. My faith was tested, I questioned my beliefs, my abilities, and the goodness of fit. I wasn’t in a good place back then. Not saying that things are smooth sailing now, but if you were to ask me that question again, my answer may still be an “I don’t know”, but this time, filled with a little more hope and positivity amidst the uncertainty and insecurities.

tumblr_psauxqrkhj1v8hcteo1_400

Reconnected with an old friend recently and all I can say is… may second chances exist. This whole episode actually made me think a lot, about the past and how decisions of the past truly shape the outcomes we face in the future/present times. I normally don’t regret my actions/decisions from the past but pertaining to this, truthfully I admit – I regret, a lot. Would there ever be a chance to make amendments? If I could turn back time, I would return back to the version of me then and give myself the courage, instead of choosing the easier way out – avoidance. I’m sorry to the present me, to have to suffer the consequences of the cowardly me in the past, may there be a chance to make it right this time.

‘was on medical leave for the first time this year… it was difficult accepting the medical leave but I was not in the right state to work. Never had fever go up so high before and coupled with the migraine, I had no choice but to give this body a rest. Being on medical leave is awful, especially knowing that the team could really use the support instead of the extra burden at this point in time. With 3.5 days of rest while being homebound, I’m glad to be heading back to work again tomorrow.

Thank you to the ones who have stood patiently by me, for holding space and being understanding, during the times when I couldn’t love myself.

tumblr_prbf8rfjae1rcw7wo_500

I may not be have the time nor energy to be a fangirl anymore, and I admit I am not up to date with whatever individual schedules each of the members are up to, but my loyalty remains and hence, today being 9 June 2019,

#9YearswithINFINITE #인피니트_9주년_아직도_난_너뿐이야

Thank you Infinite, I’ll always be an Inspirit

Advertisements

Aeipathy

tumblr_pq2cwpy4ar1wa84xco1_400

I want to talk about what happened without mentioning how much it hurt. There has to be a way. To care for the wounds without reopening them. To name the pain without inviting it back into me.

x

tumblr_p7wfur96lq1xrbmsdo1_400

She didn’t want to say but she was falling apart,
she wanted someone to hold her but she was too stubborn to ask.
She will not beg to be loved, she preferred to walk away, to be alone instead.
She mastered the art of faking a smile, a smile that never reached up to her eyes.
Look in them and you will know how they flood every night,
how sorrow and her are lovers that can’t stay apart.
She could take all the pain that came her way, will not say a single word,
but couldn’t stand to see the look of pity for her in someone’s eye.
She pretended like she didn’t care but she had one of the purest heart,
a heart that deserved nothing but love.
She cared about the people she loved,  because she knew how
it felt like to be unwanted.
But no one cared about her, nobody knew how she smiled during the day
and cried herself to sleep every night.
She was surrounded by so many yet she felt lonely…
What’s worse than feeling alone in a room full of people.

x

tumblr_p67hwtemoc1wa84xco1_400

Sensitive people are the most genuine and honest people you will ever meet. There is nothing they won’t tell you about themselves if they trust your kindness. However, the moment you betray them, reject them or devalue them, they become the worse type of person. Unfortunately, they end up hurting themselves in the long run. They don’t want to hurt other people. It is against their very nature. They want to make amends and undo the wrong they did. Their life is a wave of highs and lows. They live with guilt and constant pain over unresolved situations and misunderstandings. They are tortured souls that are not able to live with hatred or being hated. This type of person needs the most love anyone can give them because their soul has been constantly bruised by others. However, despite the tragedy of what they have to go through in life, they remain the most compassionate people worth knowing, and the ones that often become activists for the broken hearted, forgotten and the misunderstood. They are angels with broken wings that only fly when loved.

x

tumblr_oj43lbsxew1u77l4yo1_400

I’ve got a bad case of the 3:00 am guilts – you know, when you lie in bed awake and replay all those things you didn’t do right? Because, as we all know, nothing solves insomnia like a nice warm glass of regret, depression and self-loathing.

x

Happy?

tumblr_n5b0xmrb171rsky4oo1_400

It will take time, but flowers will eventually bloom in the places you believed would remain bare. Your soul will find peace again.

Can’t wait for the upcoming long weekend, hopefully I’ll spend some time penning my thoughts down.

Till then x

Attempts

tumblr_pk0g6nhhux1sqqu4t_500

One day you’ll find someone that chooses you and continues to choose you everyday. And that’s when you’ll be thankful everything happened the way that it did.

Had to return back to work yesterday, and the day started with high levels of anxiety again. The session wasn’t all too bad, but it was so stressful & thinking about the subsequent follow up actions required triggers my anxiety all over again. Thankful for such a supportive supervisor who called immediately after it ended, and for supportive friends who have been there throughout this journey with me.

Posted a question via instastory yesterday: “When was the last time you truly felt happy?” Among others, one that struck me was “A long time ago” because hey, our answers seem to be the same. While posting the question, I acknowledged there has been happiness periodically throughout, but when was I truly happy? What does it even entail, being truly happy?

& yet, I think I found my answer last evening/night. Last night was a night of healing, and it was therapeutic. I’m so so blessed to have met two souls so beautifully complex and fragile, and yet so strong at the same time. Opened up about things I don’t normally talk about, and it felt liberating getting things off my chest. All those years of struggling alone, who would have known of the pain & torture? I never wanted the night to end, there was calmness in staring at the river while sitting on the steps along Clarke Quay late at night, and on hindsight, I could say, I was truly happy last night.

Not sure if I’m ready to face another week ahead, but hello again anxiety, my old friend. Perhaps it’s time to leave, or maybe not?

tumblr_po037he6m21rcw7wo_500

To the people who see beyond masks, we are all beautifully broken in our own ways.

What we know of other people is only our memory of the moments during which we knew them. And they have changed since then.

And with this quote, I shall end this post with the hope for a long-awaited clarity/closure this coming week.