Despacito

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Be patient with all things, but especially with yourself.

Spent my morning clearing my unread chats on both whatsapp & telegram, accumulated from as long as 3 years ago…….. it felt weird? A good kind of weird, took some trips down memory lane, brought back many memories filled with nostalgia.

Looking back at my life in the past few years, I’m mostly glad about how things panned out eventually, and proud that I’m still standing even after all the setbacks & times where I truly felt like I wouldn’t have made it out alive haha.

These two weeks present new challenges for me – termination with youths & elderly whom I have been befriending for a long time, and subsequently transiting into the workforce as a full-time working adult hmm.

And … had my final farewells to the youths during adventure camp in the past weekend. It’s no easy feat saying goodbye to youths you’ve watched grow & mature over the past three years, and how these usually cheeky & naughty youths actually expressed their true feelings of sadness over the departure of the graduates from YR.

Glad that through this final camp, I got to know a youth a lot better through our conversation after Night Maze 🙂 Talked about things that ranged from the simple ‘what are you studying now?’, to things more personal & hit closer to home. My youth asked me ‘what do you hate most about yourself?’, and I threw the question back to him (after answering), and what spiralled from there was a whole conversation about social norms, hopes for the future, our personal values & beliefs etc.

For these youths are the very ones who’ll change the world with their perspectives in the future, these youths are the ones we should be looking out for & these youths should be the ones protected from all the discrimination or pre-conceived judgements by ignorant others out there in society. These youths have so, so much to offer, if only one would slow down & trudge alongside them in their journey. Thank you for all the lessons taught, thank you for all the memories in the past three years, I’ll never forget them :’)

With tears of sadness, nostalgia, unwillingness, and yet those very same tears that are filled with hope & thankfulness, bade my youths goodbye & beautifully concluded my journey with YR as an undergraduate.

It’s just goodnight & not goodbye, but thank you for making this goodnight so hard, for it shows how much this means to me ❤

Time Walking On Memory

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Beautiful things grow to a certain height and then they fall and fade off, breathing out memories as they decay.
– F. Scott Fitzgerald

Spent the past two weeks at various parts of Korea (Busan, Jeonju & Seoul) grad trippin’ & healing in general before embarking on a new phase in life really soon. Glad to have caught this beautiful sunrise at Songdo Beach (Busan),  wouldn’t have traded this view for any other. For sunrise signifies hope & a brand new beginning, while sunsets bring about comfort & a quiet understanding of what went through in a day’s worth of events. Quite a bummer that we didn’t manage to catch sunset at Gwangalli Beach this trip, but it’ll be a permanent agenda on my to-do list every trip I go to 🙂

It was a trip of self discovery, therapeutic healing, and letting myself loose to just enjoy every moment that’ll be cherished & looked back upon fondly in the years to come 🙂 Many experiences & occurrences during this trip that are a tad too personal but at least these are the memories that’ll live on. Tried documenting significant things down but realised that what mattered the most weren’t the attractions visited nor the food consumed (yum though), but it was really the little moments & happenings that meant the most.

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Exposure to the sea at different locations (especially in Busan) made me realise how much I actually love the sea?!?!! It’s so ….. calming to watch the waves crash into the rocks & slowly recede back gently, and the cycle repeats again & again. All these accompanied by the sea breeze that might have been too strong at times but still welcomed nevertheless whoopie.

We watched people skipping stones across the water & it looked like so much fun 🙂 These little enjoyments in life really warms my heart, bringing back the youthful times and being carefree in those moments.

And talking about stones……..

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Legend has it that if you make a wish & successfully stack a stone above another in a pile like this, your wish will come true. Still can’t decide if I’m a superstitious person but no harm trying right? For what it’s worth, I sincerely hope that if this legend were true, my wish would be granted too 🙂

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Spent our last proper night in Korea enjoying a late-night chimaek (chicken + beer) picnic at Hangang Park. Low quality photo but high quality time spent that night, feeling really reluctant & unwilling to head back home the next day. Attempted to stargaze but there weren’t many stars, but laying on the picnic mats & just staring up at the sky made everything feel so perfect ahh. Definitely one of the best ways to spend our last night even though I was freEeeZing like cray.

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Wouldn’t have had so much fun without these two travel buddies, thank you for being so tolerant of my behaviour & what-nots, hope y’all had as much fun as I did 🙂 Of late nights & conversations & insane hiking/walking together, the past two weeks have been so so memorable (in all the right & wrong ways), but every moment was definitely worth it.

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There’s just so so so much more to post about but these shall suffice for now. Glad to be home, till the next time we meet again Korea 🙂 I’ll definitely be back.

Imagine

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I’m not where I want to be, but thank goodness I’m not where I used to be.

Having all the time in the world with no commitments on hand means that I’m finally allowed to binge watch dramas/TV shows without much guilt. ‘ve been spending my time watching The Amazing Race in the past weeks, and this week I completed two k-dramas within …. 6 days ha ha. So anyway …….. I watched Voice earlier this week, and completed Solomon’s Perjury just a few moments ago.

Voice was gooooood, really recommending it for those who enjoy mystery & thriller dramas. The presence of a psychopath was hm, intriguing to say the least? For I hold the belief that psychopaths are one of the most dangerous people living in this world, given their exploding charisma, high IQ/EQ, and most importantly, their manipulativeness that seems to be their main driving force in seeking excitement. Voice was really intense and there were many scenes where I got so freaked out & scenes that moved me to tears, but overall it definitely didn’t disappoint & it was a good drama hee.

Voice explored themes surrounding revenge, love and obsession among others. Revenge for loved ones, and obsession of the truth. It showed struggles of deciding between doing what’s moral & what’s not, and how deciding on the moral path will mean sacrificing the chance to fulfil personal agendas. The ending was slightly…..weird? But at least punishment was given & life finally went on normally after so many years of harbouring guilt, questions and doubts.

However …………. while Voice was filled with thrill and nerves, it was the deeper meaning behind Solomon’s Perjury that got my thoughts all whirled up even after I’m done watching it.

Solomon’s Perjury narrates the story of a group of high school students taking matters in their own hands after being tired of adults telling them to “leave it to the adults to settle”. It revolves around uncovering the truth behind the death of their classmate. Honestly speaking, this drama got my mind going in circles till the very end. Along the way, I jotted down some quotes that made so much sense & had such significant meanings tagged to them.

“Ordinary people do the extraordinary things. ‘Protect the weak’, ‘fix what’s wrong’, ‘do not lie’; the ones with these very basic values within them, the ordinary citizens, just like you. They’re the ones who change the world. It’s not the extraordinary people, or some extraordinary cause. You realise that it’s the hardest to keep the most basic values. It’s easy to forget what’s basic from wanting more comfort in life.’ – Solomon’s Perjury

To be reminded to stay humble, to live by our principles. It might seem like a given, something that we take for granted, but more often than not, when faced in situations within a high stress environment, our values and principles might be compromised to achieve an ‘ideal’ situation or to simply take the easy way out. But shouldn’t we be living by our principles? ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you’ – how hard is this? Sometimes we might get so blinded by our goal that we take unscrupulous methods to achieve them – indeed, the hardest to keep might be the most basic values. But let’s never forget.

“You can get all those broken pieces if things get broken in pieces. You can live through all those broken pieces, if things get broken in pieces.” – Solomon’s Perjury

I guess this is an indirect answer to my constant question of: “why do perennial problems even exist?” I grew up with the mindset filled with supposed ‘optimism’ – no matter how dire a situation is, there would definitely be the rainbow at the end of the storm. But through my recent experiences both professionally & personally, I’ve come to realise that perennial problems do exist & it’s precisely these problems that affect us the most. We can’t be savers, we are in no position to play God, and what we should do is to accept them, live with them, and work around them. Sometimes, life isn’t as straightforward and that’s something we need to acknowledge. I know it’s hard.

“I still don’t know the reason why I should live. No one can actually know it. It’s not that a person lives because he knows the reason to do so. Life is filled with limitless possibilities you cannot label. It’s with endless twists and turns, with countless moments of joy and sadness. That’s how everyone lives. Sometimes you curl up, and sometimes you reach out. Sometimes you wish to remain a lonely island, but you also wait for loud crashes of waves. It feels imperfect. You were wrong. You just got the wrong answer, then left this world. You just turned off the most beautiful piece of music at its intro. You walked past a pretty flower in the rain. Your life that you were so certain that it was only with darkness, it was just your room that you hadn’t flickered the light switch on. It could’ve changed. It could’ve been better. That’s why you were wrong. I really wanted to tell you this. Now, the spring is coming. I lost you in the winter. But spring is coming into my world. The snow is melting away, new sprouts are coming up, the day is bright, and the wind is awesome. So I decided that I’ll never get tired of it. Even if it’s just this world, I won’t give up.” – Solomon’s Perjury

Last but not least, the monologue that concluded the drama. To find the reasons for existence is hard, and sometimes the reasons for living might not be obvious. But as mentioned above, life could change. Life will get better. It might seem all darkness at that very moment, but put your trust in it, that it’s merely temporary. I read a quote recently that said “darkness, real darkness, was more than just a lack of light”, and I thought it perfectly encapsulated the pains of going through a devastating time in life. But through Solomon’s Perjury, I came to realise that it isn’t necessarily true. Indeed, there may be times that get so depressing it seems as though nothing can be done to salvage or mend the hurt. But trust me, having been experience so many heart crushing moments in my life thus far, I’ll say that things really do get better. When you can’t find a reason to live, at least find a reason to stay. And if you’ll just wait a little longer, that reason to live will come. I promise you, though it might take time, but eventually, it will come.

Glad to have came across these dramas (thanks Y for the recommendations), currently searching for the next drama to watch whoopieeee. This past week of intended healing has indeed been therapeutic, and now I’m glad to be back again 🙂

Till the next time x

Oasis

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Always defend your right to heal at your own pace. You are taking your time. You are allowed to take your time.

Felt like I’ve been standing at crossroads for the past week, but glad that through conversations I’m able to regain that clarity again. To cast all the doubts, to address all the concerns, and to stop pursuing answers to the question of “why?” — these answers do nothing but bring only some sort of comfort for myself, but this comfort should not be sought after mindlessly nor as a priority, for what good does it bring to me apart from self-gratification?

Everything happens for a reason.

And I’m learning to accept how things are playing out. I’ll get there someday, the better person I aspire to be. To be certain of my choices, to be aware of my worldview. Slowly, but surely. With deviations & yet guidances along the way, I’ll get there.

Chained

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Overthinking is the biggest misery because of our unhappiness, so keep yourself occupied. Keep your mind off things that don’t help you. Think positive. Focus on the good, only the good. And remember to take risks because if you win you will be happy and if you lose you will be wise.

Spent the weeks since end of placement catching up with friends, both the current & the old. Glad to have reconnected with some that I temporarily drifted from, never would trade these friendships for anything else in the world. Afraid of what moving into the next phase of life would mean.

Excited for what the future entails, wondering if it was a right choice. Adulting anxiety perhaps? What if I’m not good enough for it, what if I’m not cut out for it? “If you can’t do good, then at the very least, do no harm” // “but how can I expect my patients to trust me, if I don’t even trust myself?” Kind of don’t really dare to talk to people about all these anxieties in fear that they get downplayed or brushed off, and also the fact that I’m lucky enough to secure employment. Maybe I’m just really thinking too much. Who’d understand? But with all that said, I’m still hopeful for a career filled with meaning, insights & challenges.

Old wounds reopened, knew the period of calmness was a facade. Learning to deal with things more maturely, may I emerge from this experience as someone both happier and wiser than before. Had the worst sleep ever & practically semi-conscious the entire night my mind needs to stop with all these unhealthy unhelpful thoughts…? Maybe I just need more time.

Conflicted & burdened. May there be clarity soon, amidst all these uncertainties. Life works in funny & unpredictable ways sometimes, doesn’t it?

Learning to count my blessings.

Chapters

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It was not the feeling of completeness I so needed, but the feeling of not being empty. 

Things seem to be going a little too smooth sailing for me these days …….. I’m not used to it. And I can’t help but have this nagging worry, what if this is merely the calm before the storm?

But, I’m still thankful, grateful, and contented. What does the future hold?

I guess I’ll find out soon.