And all these masks we wore

I want to grow up not because I hate my parents or want to get out of home but because I want the freedom to do tiny things like decide what furniture goes in my house and what colour the walls are. And if I should go out at night rather than stay in doing work for once I want to decide what music to play in my own home and how loud it is. I want to experience the world without a barrier and to be able to express who I am through the little details.

Update update update hello endlessparadigm you’ve been updated quite frequently these days I hope it will last hee (: This will be my last post of August though … (okay I should stop being lame it’s 31 Aug already any post after this will be dated Sept & beyond LOL).

And ….. where did 2013 go omg I don’t remember 8 months going by so quickly just like that. And before I know it, December will be over and I’d have turned 19 noooo. I kind of like being 18, makes me feel young. I used to be really fond of birthdays, my reasoning being how birthdays only occur once a year and hence it’s a special day. But as the years go by, the significance of birthdays start to fade, is this normal/what is wrong with me ): Whatever it is, one of my best friend’s birthday is coming right up in 9 days, so excited yey ☺

Yesterday’s late night twitter conversations with ’em OG mates was nice (: Although I missed by 11,111th tweet replying to them omg I have been waiting so long for my 11,111th tweet to come ): but maybe this is fate, shan’t bother about it anymore. Chances only come once, deleting previous tweets just so to make the tweet count drop back for me to catch my 11,111th tweet just doesn’t feel as … genuine ): So I shall leave it as it is.

Enough about that hmm. I am pissed/sad ‘cos my hot pink nail pen (don’t judge) I ordered online hasn’t arrived and it has been more than one week already ): So much for having fast delivery ugh, I hope I didn’t get cheated I really want to test out this new nail pen ‘cos it looks so interesting and the colors look attractive *o* can my package please come soon ): On a side note, I need to stop browsing through all the online shopping stuff if I don’t have as much self control (and evidently I don’t) LOL.

Weekends are meant for relaxation + catching up with work, but I feel as though I haven’t done much today D: Collated the amount of work debt that I’ve incurred from these 3 weeks of uni and it’s just … horrendous omg. Need to start clearing ’em soon, Shiaowei please be more hardworking/not procrastinate/be smarter D: And I need to stop falling asleep on the floor randomly LOL slept on the floor for approx 30 minutes today -__-

Did I mention how stupid I feel ‘cos Weiming can do the linear alg tut but I can’t LOL. I think I was just born stupid ugh save me help me I am confused and it’s just the second chapter only … I really don’t want to screw linear alg up because it’s math. And math is a subject that I love a lot ): SIGHPIE.

Everyone has been doing the 20 facts about themselves … maybe I’ll post mine up here on endlessparadigm soon (: If I’m hardworking enough it shall be my first post of September and if I’m not then … wait for it LOL. Typing it here > posting it on FB/insta ‘cos I can type more and it’s more personal here I guess.

sayingimages: Follow Saying images for more great quotes

 

Most things about me are hard to explain, I guess, like how I’m mostly delusional and live in a half-imaginary world but am also a realist to the core. I’m just a bunch of contradictions more of the time and I don’t like it, but I also do.

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And the reason is you

yanilavigne: More quotes here..

 

This is what I do every single day. Wake up, prepare for school, head to school, go back home & study, and plop back to bed all tired & such. Don’t like it when my life becomes so mundane, especially when it used to be interesting & more hyped up (partially ‘cos of CCAs & friends who make breaks so much more awesome). Life these days have really purely been boring ):

Which brings me to the point of a dilemma I’m facing now sigh. I don’t know if I should commit myself to it, or just let the chance slip away again. Asked some friends about it, balanced POVs here & there – which means I still haven’t came to a conclusion. There are more … complications tied down to this decision than anyone will ever know. And these complications might just deter me from choosing to commit but I know that if I don’t, there will always be that part of me nagging at the back of my mind, regretting the choice of not going for it sigh.

I really don’t know what to do/what to choose, hate it that I’m forever such an indecisive person but this is really an important matter to me ): I let the chance slip away once already, and if I don’t have the courage, this chance is going to slip away from me yet again sigh. This dilemma is so burdensome it’s making my mind go insane from thinking about it I’m not even kidding.

Approximately 17 more days to decide. Whatever my decision is, I just hope that I won’t regret. Sorry to the people I’ve been burdening my problem/dilemma with … it may seem like a lame thing to some people. But it’s really a tough decision I have to make, which makes it all worse.

On a lighter note, week 3 of my first sem in uni life as a freshie is officially over. Time really flies so damn quickly, it’s time to start sorting my life out & plan my time/schedule properly … at this rate midterms will be here before I even realise lol, and damn will I be screwed ugh. Promise to self: don’t screw anything up in uni please, the consequences that follow thereafter are too much to handle.

Time to go be a good girl & study again, to get all these insane stuff out of my mind k bye bye bye

fashionsociety: (via: fashionsociety)

 

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These secrets are walls that keep us alone

 

Because mine are ): I really don’t like how my thoughts seem to have a way of its own – even my subconscious has one on its own as well ugh. Maybe it will be better if I learnt how to lucid dream … so I can control who does & doesn’t appear in my dreams. These few days have been killing me, I can’t even explain why I’m feeling this way and such anymore.

During psych tutorial today, we had the debate of monism vs. dualism. After all the discussion I think I’m more towards supporting the idea of dualism? Such issues are so intriguing, it’s interesting to listen to the different perspectives that people have, and the concepts of such ideas (: After all, everything boils down to the matter of perspectives.

Really enjoy the company I have in psych tut as well, Huimin & Daryll are such entertaining tutorial mates for psych. Looking forward to week 7, when we will have our next psych tutorial (feels like it’s such a long time later lol).

We were told to introduce our friends during psych tutorial, instead of us introducing ourselves. So I introduced Huimin, Huimin introduced Daryll, and Daryll introduced me. It was … amusing ‘cos we said lame stuff for each other. Anyway the introduction made me question myself again – “Why are you interested in taking psychology, and what are your intended careers/ambitions that you have?”

To be honest … I didn’t say the entire truth about why I am interested in taking psychology. And I guess nobody will ever know the actual reason hmm, it’s just something more personal. For those who know me long enough, they know I’ve been wanting to pursue a career/degree in psychology since forever. And certain issues that happened along the way in my 18 years of life thus far has affirmed my decision. So now all I can do is to hope for the best, and really get to major in psychology after sem 2 (:

Sociology lecture today was so interesting as well ‘cos Huimin allowed me to vandalise her lecture notes hee. Thank you Huimin (although I don’t think you’d ever see this hahah), I will do all the random doodles on foolscap paper instead from next lecture onwards, so we can add colour to the doodlings & draw even more whee (: Thanks for being such a great sport & being so chill about everything. Thankful to have made such a great friend in uni, and it leads back to how grateful I am to be in A4 Aiumph. Missing that whole awesome bunch of people still, it feels good to see them along corridors etc.

And of course one of the major highlights of the week ….. 11S7G MINI GATHERING @ NUS (: So initially it was just ’em NUS people from 7G + Hanxin who’s flying off to UCLA soon. What came as a total surprise was …. the girls from NTU came as well (although Yumin & Belinda weren’t there sigh). I swear the moment I found out that my dearest hierarchy tier mate was coming and I could see her in real life (and not via Snapchat or whatever), I was so elated I could cry buckets of tears I’m not even kidding. I really really really miss JC clique so much ): Thank you to: Amanda Sheryin Songyang Yueqi Jingwen Yingxin Enying Hanxin, for such a memorable night on 27 Aug ’13.

It felt so great just sitting at Town Green & catching up about how we’re all suffering/dying/sian of uni already LOL. And sharing different stories etc, and all the reminiscing. The meetup wasn’t long enough – but then again no amount of time would have been enough. The feeling of parting after the meetup sucked so much ): ‘cos the next time we can all meet again will prolly be 14 sept – Hwach MAF. I’m counting down to the days, really can’t wait for MAF to come, and we will all be reunited once again (: Because nobody can steal that spot reserved in my heart for the special people in my life.

28 Aug’s so many people’s birthday. Shoutout to: Zining + Meishan + Junhao, happy 17th/19th/21st birthday respectively! May school/life be good for all of you, and hope y’all had an enjoyable birthday. (Isn’t it cool I just realised their all 2 years apart #randomobservation)

Can’t wait to get through the week, meeting Meina on Friday for lunch @ Hwang’s, so excited whee seriously the best angel ever who I can be lame/high/trust her with my secrets etc.

 

Really have a thing for vintage-ish stuff I don’t know why, just appeals to me somehow (: Anyway … Sudden addiction to Snapchat all over again. People out there if you have Snapchat please Snapchat me/add me! It keeps me entertained/form of stress relief. And I should prolly head back to hitting the books my life is so mundane now I hate it ugh k bye

 

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Like a puzzle we are broken

Quick post before I continue clearing the insane amount of work that has piled up from just 2 weeks of proper uni lectures (and tutorials haven’t even begun yet sigh).

Saw this quote on tumblr that’s really … apt & it makes so much sense.

Words. How little they mean when you’re a little too late.

Timing’s really everything. In whatever aspects of life, timing really matters. In tests, in exams, in friendships, in relationships etc. I guess sometimes missed chances will result in really different outcomes ): I don’t know what I’m talking about okay I should stop being so random/incoherent ugh.

Have I mentioned how therapeutic tumblr is? Pardon me if I have, because it really really really is (: I love tumblring when I’m bored/tired of studying/just need a short simple getaway from reality. Maybe it’s because of all the quotes out there that are so relatable to, or pictures that are so pretty/serene, makes me calm & happy hee.

Tutorials are starting next week, week 3 of uni is here omg. Time really flies so quickly it’s even faster than the mugging period for A’s & stuff sigh ): In the blink of an eye, finals will be here (and over). Don’t know why I keep feeling so damn drained even though I haven’t exactly been doing much …… must be the 8-month hiatus from studying that’s taking its toll on me now. At least the 8 months were well spent (I think), okay it’s time to make each and every second of the coming 4 years in my life worthwhile.

Meeting ’em 11S7G classmates who are in NUS next Tuesday for dinner, I miss 11S7G. Can’t wait for the dinner meetup, just a few more days come on let’s go (: I really miss everyone omg (just like Amanda & her amusing I-miss-you-all syndrome). Still don’t feel accustomed to being an undergrad of NUS, when people ask me what’s my school, the first answer that pops up in my mind is still Hwach and not NUS ):

Alright it’s time to continue my assignments & infinite number of readings ): Weekends don’t feel like weekends anymore. I kind of miss my life. Survive well everyone

unicornfreakk: ❁

 

P.S. hello readers care to tell me who you are ‘cos I see visits to endlessparadigm everyday from the stats hee k drop me a text if you can/want/dare LOL thanks for reading my lame blog k bye for real

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If these wings could fly

 

Feeling really shitty right now as some of you may know ): I feel so bad … but I really have no choice – there simply isn’t any other alternative. I guess this would be my biggest regret in these 2 years, ‘am really hoping the best for her sigh. Leaving for the last time today was just … heartbreaking. I don’t exactly know why I am even feeling this way, but yeah I did. I wish I could get over this soon ): Sigh.

Life has been pretty much mundane these days, and I’m feeling really drained everyday even though I haven’t been doing much stuff x__x I need to snap out of this soon and really pay more attention to my studies, this first sem of uni is so damn important it is practically going to determine my path for the rest of my life (more or less I guess). Please let me successfully get to major in Psychology, it really means too much to me to let it just slip away from my fingers ): And I know the amount of regret I will have will never fade away if I fail to do so. So yup, time to start bucking up and be more diligent ):

I miss my childhood, I miss Guiding, I miss my JC life/friends/cliques, I miss all my best friends ): Life has been feeling so burdenful these days to the point I feel so … detached from everyone I was once close to ): And that feeling sucks so much. I can’t wait for MAF, I’ll get to meet up face-to-face with all ’em important people in my life, back to Hwach, damn I really didn’t expect myself to miss Hwach that much till it scares me ): So damn freaking thankful for the short meet-up with Amanda that day @ FOS, I miss crapping with her ): And all her random Monday syndromes etc.

My post sounds so depressing & such ugh. On a happier note …

Survivor Season #27 is going to premiere soon! Survivor: Blood vs. Water. Looks like it will be a really interesting season ahead, especially since they’re bringing Redemption Island back (but with a twisttt), looking forward to it (: I hope I will have the time to watch it omg, I miss those days when I never failed to catch Survivor every Friday midnight. Those were the days when life wasn’t as … complicated as they are now. Whatever it is, mid-sept will be the premiere of this season, I need to find more Survivor fans out there (:

PERSEVERE EVERYONE, too many of my friends around me are getting sad/depressed these days ): cheer up all of you, life will get better okay (:

Shout-out to my hierarchy tier babe: CHEER UP. We will meet soon in 23 days, you can do it (: Life may be tough but you’re tougher than life.

Alright time to hit the books again. P.S. I need to sort my feelings out soon ):

 

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Unsaid feelings

Maybe it’s the thoughts that scare you. Or maybe it’s just all the imagination. Or maybe it’s both.

First week of official lessons (or rather just lectures) as a uni student is finally overrrr. I find it insane how I’m feeling stressed out over uni stuff already and it’s been barely a week with just mainly intro lectures for my 5 mods so far ): Really wonder how I’m gon be able to survive the coming 4 years sigh. I’ll handle it as it goes, along the way, somehow I guess.

Don’t know if I made the wrong choices in selecting my 5 modules this sem hmm. For one, I have 2 math related modules (yes I know I’m in FASS LOL), the irony isn’t it? And one science-ish mod. Only 2 mods belonging to FASS this sem (y) And the main concern is …… dumb/blur/stupid me forgot to check the exam dates x__x so guess who has three finals on the same day ugh. Soci @ 9am, Genes & society @ 1pm, Psych @ 5pm. I swear 26 Nov is my doomsday omg ): Finals for this sem will conclude on 2 Dec, and it will be holidays whoo can’t wait for December to come. It will always be my favourite month, without any doubt (:

Promise to self: to be hardworking in uni, and keep up with lectures/tutorials. Too big a risk to gamble with, got to keep on the safe side & make sure I’m always on the right track sigh ): Growing up is such a tedious process, who would have thought it would be so torturous.

‘was looking through pictures on FB, took a trip down memory lane ): I really miss those carefree days, and I miss my sec school/JC friends so damn badly ugh. I know I made new great friends in uni (being in A4 for FASS Oweek is really the best OG I could ever ask for), but things just don’t feel the same without ’em friends from the past.

Because those are the friends who have survived through crazy insane times with me, those are the friends whom I’ve confided in infinite times, those are the friends who know my story & life happenings/ramblings as I grow up ): Everything really just feels so … different without them. I don’t want the day to come where we all become more and more distant, is it possible to have a closely-knit friendship cherished by everyone, and nothing will change that even if we’re in different unis/faculties? ):

Thinking about the future just scares me, too many uncertainties, and I don’t even know what to hope for, can someone tell me exactly what path lies ahead of me?

yanilavigne: More quotes here..

 

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New beginnings

 

12 August 2013. Today marks the first day of official lectures in uni, it’s yet another milestone (: Can’t believe I am awake at an insane timing of 8.39am typing this … for those who know me, I am really really really not a morning person |: but somehow I naturally woke up just now hmm. Maybe it’s the nerves etc, I don’t knowww.

It’s time to start looking at things from a different perspective, time to step a little out of my comfort zone, time to start integrating into this big new family of NUS FASS. One good thing about my timetable (excluding tutorials that aren’t finalised), is that I have no morning lessons (: No more waking up before the sun rises just to prepare for school yey (:

First lecture today at 4-6pm, and another following at 6-8pm. I need to promise myself, to really mug hard in uni ): Alright time to go print lecture notes & settle all the stuff before I’m able to properly embrace what’s coming up ahead in life for me (:

To everyone out there/reading this, all the best for uni. I shall make an effort to update as often as I can (: Cliché as it may be,

“Nobody said it would be easy. But you know it’s going to be worth it.”

 

x till then (: