Memories

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I don’t like remembering. Remembering makes me feel things. I don’t like feeling things.

The past few days have been pretty much insane. All I can say is that I’m genuinely thankful for my friends at times like these, and how they would willingly oblige to all my requests etc, and all the therapeutic words & what-nots. Albeit the short time, it has been a memorable one, so whatever it is, no regrets for sure 🙂 It’s good to find closure in such instances anyway.

Been thinking about my style of blogging, I really admire those who are able to write so fluently/poetic-like, or rather tumblr worthy (aka the kind of things that I will definitely reblog on tumblr haha). It makes my writing seem … inferior? I don’t really know how to get my point across about this, and it kind of sucks how I’m so awkward with words & can’t seem to let the words flow out smoothly to aptly convey my thoughts. Nevertheless, endlessparadigm has been a good platform thus far. I remember creating it back in June last year to signify a fresh start in my life, so I’ll prolly stick with this platform for my entire uni life, as it jots down the bits & pieces of memories that I’ve had in my years as an undergraduate, regardless of happy or sad. Because all these past events are the ones that shaped me to be who I am today, so no regrets.

I’m starting to think “no regrets” is going to be my favorite phrase someday haha but these 2 words really encapsulates the deeper meaning of how we shouldn’t be having second thoughts about our decisions in life, be it minor or major. Take it as an excuse for the occasional YOLO moments that we have, or just to have the courage to venture out of the safety zone we comfortably hide ourselves in.

Nell’s past albums are awesome beyond words. Such a talented band that is waaay underrated, though I have to acknowledge that their genre of music won’t appeal to the general public since it’s non-conventional/considered indie/alternative? Currently listening to Separation Anxiety, an old album dated waaay back in 2008. Separation Anxiety is the first of the trilogy album series, with Slip Away published in 2012, and Newton’s Apple released earlier this year. Each stand-alone album might not make as much sense, but with all 3 albums put together, it’s amazing how the lyrics of each song line up to form a story being told (: And to think they have planned this since the preparation for Separation Anxiety … they are insanely talented really.

Finals are coming, I really need to buck up & study hard so time to end this post here, with lyrics quoted from Time Walking on Memory by Nell, you’ve got to love this song x

The door of wanting opens

Your memories come and find me

My eyes turn red

The door of wanting opens

Your memories come and find me

My heart keeps getting torn

Missing Something You Never Had

Thought Catalog

You thought you had them. You took pictures with them and made plans with them and felt them when the darkness of night left you blind. And now that you’re without them you cannot help but think, “How funny, to miss something I never had”, which is inevitably followed by a sore smile and a forced laugh. 

Their touches were soft, almost translucent. At times you overlooked them as nothing more than the soft flutters of a sure love you’d be experiencing forever. Now you crave what you took for granted, drowning in some overplayed cliche fit for television dramas. 

You’ve made the necessary and often awkward announcement to friends and family. Each informative sentence packs a period that cuts through any self-medicating delusion you’ve managed to create. Reality is inescapable. You will never see them or feel them or hear them again. 

Every “I’m sorry” or “everything happens for…

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Steps

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When you’re gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you

When you’re gone, the face I came to know is missing too

When you’re gone, the words I need to hear to always get me through the day

And make it okay,

I miss you

Really hate having to deal with such things, don’t know what to do, don’t know if I should be doing anything at all. False hopes are the worst things ever, it brings you up to such a high point, only to leave you hanging & dangling, until you finally reach that tipping point and, off you go, all the way back down. And the impact upon hitting reality will hurt even more than when you originally started with. That’s what ultimately this is a game, a serious one where you shouldn’t make a move until you’re positive that the investment of time & effort is worth the potential setbacks.

And just a sidenote, I don’t want to lose my friends but what if it really feels as though some are slipping away from me. It takes two to make friendships strong and work out, in some instances I’m tired of trying, and in others, I’m going to let go. What’s wrong, I really don’t know. Ahh so frustrated. The past week(s) have been so tiring & tedious, I’m thankful for those who express concern via different platforms, but I just can’t help but feel so … detached. For one, I’m not replying messages as promptly as in the past due to time issues, and certain conversations seem so, different now. If only things will go back to how they were, if only.

Life is full of what-ifs, and these counterfactual thinkings are the ones that bring out the so-called “demons” within every individual, making you feel a whirlpool of emotions all at once. Don’t regret any of my actions, it might have been on impulse but at some point in time, it was something I wanted to no regrets 🙂 I’ll just live life as it is, and trust that prior to everything, it has all been destined already.

Recently hooked onto All of Me by John Legend. Love the lyrics, and it’s so soothing to play the song on loop & take in all the lyrics and the meaning behind each & every word in that song. Many good covers of this song on the net as well, can’t wait for the summer break to come so I can check out more songs/covers 🙂 Lacking behind so many songs, can’t wait for Cher Lloyd’s new album to drop! Loving her latest single Sirens already, seems like yet another promising album filled with awesome songs.

Not really sure what’s the point of this post, I think it’s just random blabberings because I’m too drained to continue with all the projects now. Really draining in projects this sem, what a stark contrast from the previous sem where I was actually complaining about not having any projs to do LOL I must have been out of my mind.

May everything get clearer, better x

Falling Fast

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There are times when you feel like the world is full of people that have either forgotten about you or are disappointed in you. Sometimes the feelings don’t even come from actual conversations with these people, but things you’ve played over and over in your head so much that they have mutated into something else entirely. Either way, it all just feels like too much.

So drained, so tired. It has been hell of a week thus far, and it’s only going to get worse. Hoping to have the strength to persevere, proper update soon I guess x

Tongue Tied

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Woke up this morning with a mind to set things right from this week onward, in order to mug hard/well for the upcoming finals. Came up with a schedule to follow over the weekends, and despite being conscious of planning fallacy – and how I have fallen victim to it countless of times – I’m still going to try my best to abide by the schedule to the best of my abilities 🙂

The past few days/the past week has been nothing but frustration & hectic. Didn’t really show it to my friends because well, everyone has their own problems to handle, I didn’t want to add on. And I definitely don’t want to burden my friends by making them worry or whatsoever. There’s nothing I can’t survive, that’s what I keep telling myself, because I have got through 19 years of problems, I’ve found myself to be in predicaments, but I’m still here, ain’t I?

It is not an understatement when I say that the past week has been insane and so tiring, it drained the life out of me. I wake up every morning dragging myself out of bed, performing the daily routine, going to school, and attempting to survive school. I just want to sleep and sleep and never wake up and all problems will just fade away. Perhaps starting to lose myself, I don’t know and I don’t care any longer.

With that said, I think it’s pretty amazing how a particular friend is able to see through all these facades of mine. It has been more than once, more than twice, in fact many times upon realizing that I’m not exactly feeling the best I could. And the care/concern has been felt multiple times, so thank you from the bottom of my heart, it really means a lot 🙂

Don’t know why I’m so affected by this, perhaps because you mean a lot in my life more than you’d even realize. It wasn’t even supposed to hurt this much, it might have been passing remarks, but now it’s carved in my heart. And it still hurts, as much as I try not to think about it. What a silly girl I am, for breaking down every single time such things happen. Time will let it fade away haha.

I’m just venting all these rants & frustrations here because without this platform I’ll really go crazy soon. Considering to lock up endlessparadigm hmm. I guess I should mention some of the better things that have been happening 🙂

Korean BBQ session with the JC clique last Friday night, great end to the week. Catching up, fighting to cook, all the small episodes of laughter & ridiculousness during that few hours really did make me feel better. Friends do stay golden after all these while (‘:

And yesterday hmm. It finally rained (: It was strangely therapeutic enough, and it’s currently drizzling again (: Now all the flowers around won’t all wither and die due to the lack of water/rain!

Lastly, Amanda introduced this really awesome game called 2048, madly addictive. Managed to get 2048 once, currently trying to aim for consistent 2048s and then proceed to attain 4096!

Apart from everything shitty that has been happening, life is good x

Puzzle

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There comes a time when you have to choose between

turning the page or closing the book.

This choice is heavy & may scare you,

But it’s your choice.

What do you want?

 

And you had me at that inevitable beginning, you had me the moment you walked through the door. It’s the inside jokes and bits & pieces of anecdotes that would make perfect sense to no one but you. It’s all of these nuisances – the accumulation of innate snippets that lead me straight to your bait and hook. I don’t know why it matters, or why your presence and absence is more poignant than the rest. Maybe it’s the fact that we didn’t say goodbye but see you later.

And when the soon meets the later and my wants outweigh the fear, maybe then I will speak up. Maybe then I will know. Because you are alive and real, right here, right now, in my mind’s little cinema, where I see you in colors that don’t exist.