Born to Die

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Please don’t ask if I’m okay
I might do something stupid like open up to you
and I’m really tired of getting close to people
and watching them leave me like I’m nothing
So don’t ask me if I’m okay
Unless you mean it

But if you really are genuine about it
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart

Sometimes people ask us the wrong questions, so we cannot give them the right answers. But the worst part is when we become those people and ask ourselves the wrong questions, because we are terrified of hearing the right answers.

Don’t ever use someone’s past against them. You’re just reminding them of the mistakes they made back then. If you watch their facial expressions carefully, then you’ll see the hurt in their eyes as they reminisce everything that happened. Never use emotions as a weapon, it strikes deeper than you can imagine.

I’m just so sick of everything, literally & figuratively okay bye x

If I Stay

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It probably seems like I cry over stupid shit but tbh I usually end up crying because I’ve stored up all of my upset feelings from multiple things rather than express them. And then the littlest thing sets me off, it might not seem like that big of a deal but when I’ve stored up that many negative emotions, the faucet behind my eyes just malfunctions. And the tears won’t stop. Because it takes a lot to pretend that everything is okay, and one small trigger is all it takes.

Lucky Ones

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Dandelions add a wish of happiness, and a promise of complete and utter faithfulness.

YR Launch Ceremony has officially concluded as of yesterday. Really glad that the event ran through rather smoothly, without any major issues/hiccups. It has been weeks/months since we first started gathering volunteers for the launch, so so thankful for the dedication that every single volunteer had to make the launch a good one for our dearest youths :’)

And I was really heartened to see the youths yesterday, considering how I haven’t seen them since the last study support session which was back in … September. Time really flies, and it felt really awesome to see them again. Didn’t realize how big an impact these youths have made in my life till yesterday.

It was so heartening, & I feel so privileged to see the youths get commissioned yesterday :’) Words simply can’t encapsulate the overwhelming feels I had, but I’m so happy for every single one of them. For they are willing to give themselves a chance, to be commissioned, and to continue heading down the right path in life. It might have taken a lot of determination for some of them, there definitely are complications that are entangled within, but they all made it eventually. And my heart swells in pride & happiness for them.

I can’t emphasize how much these youths are the main driving factor to let me continue on & be part of this Youth Ranger family. I won’t deny that there have been many unhappy circumstances which have made me doubt certain decisions, but every chance I get to interact with ’em youths only reaffirms the fact that this indeed is the right way to go ahead. No more looking backward, not now not ever anymore.

One youth gone astray, is one youth too much.

This sentence particularly struck me in one of the speeches delivered yesterday. During my duty as a stage crew member yesterday for the launch, I learnt a lot more about the youths whom I didn’t know prior to the event (i.e. the youths from the other centres, or the performers). It made me appreciate their performances so much more, I was really deeply touched by some of the stories that the social worker shared with me. Never judge a book by its cover, never judge a person by how they seem. All too often, they carry stories far more than you’d ever possibly imagine. We all fall victim into being judgmental people, be it blatantly or subconsciously. But after yesterday, I learnt not to judge people by first impressions, because they might seem to be different, but you don’t know how far back their life stories are dated. Some of them have really came a long way since the beginning, and comparatively, their journey in life humbles us so much, considering how much they have progressed since then. On a lighter note, I really really enjoy chatting with social workers because the passion they have really inspires me 🙂

“Have you ever regretted your choice?”

Not so surprisingly, this question has been thrown to me more than once. I think my friends realize the impact that this has on me,& I’m sorry for all the times you guys have to tolerate my rants & frustrations vented out, be it over messages or in real life. I’ve grown to realize the increasing importance of volunteering. I wouldn’t say that volunteering defines me per se, but it definitely represents me in one way or another. It makes me happy, it makes my life fulfilling albeit the tough times that are attached to the decision. It dawned upon me that being a person & the commitment to this shouldn’t be mutually exclusive, in fact it’s deeply intertwined. Everyone has different passions & different things that they feel compelled to protect & push for. Personally, I think I’ve found mine. I’ll never let go, no matter how tedious the journey ahead might be. What entails an enriching volunteering journey? Different people have different standards & expectations. I know what it is I hope to achieve, I’ll work towards my goals. And the answer to the question? It’s a simple no.

I remembered it now with happiness and I knew I would always remember it with happiness.
It was one of those small things that you can go to sleep with,
that you can wake in the night and that you could recall if necessary if you were ever tortured.

It’s all about pushing your limits & trying to figure how much you are able to take. I believe that everyone’s potential is limitless, the only difference is the extent to which our comfort zones are able to handle. And hence, I’m going to redefine my journey to completely dedicate myself into the process of enjoyment within, and distance myself from any external factors that might make me potentially unhappy. It’s difficult, but at least I’ll try. Because such matters that probably wouldn’t even matter (or be remembered) in the future shouldn’t serve as an impediment to my experience. I’m still learning, I’m trying to be a better person.

Everything in life is temporary. So if things are going good, enjoy them. And if things are going bad, don’t worry, it can’t last forever. But I don’t know why I let you build up that false hope again, only to have it shatter me into a million pieces (yet again). I should have learnt from the first time, ha ha. All ’em pointless waiting & foolishly hoping, may it stop soon.

La douleur est seulement pertinente si elle fait toujours mal, et tu me manque tellement.

Still drained, still trying to cope with everything, but I’ll get through it somehow. There’s still so much that I want to talk about, but I’ll save if for another time/the next post haha. Such a lengthy post, I had fun typing all these out though. Alright then, till the next time x

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Wonderland

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Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am kind to everyone, but when someone is unkind to me,
weak is not what you are going to remember about me.

I think what hurts the most, is when you give your all to someone. Through thick and thin, you’re there for them unconditionally. You stick with them, no matter what. Then one day, they just give up on you. They won’t even fight for you. The one thing you would have never done, they did with no hesitation.

If you think about it hard enough, you’d start to realize that everything in life is nothing but a paradoxical joke. So many times, I find myself holding back, not taking certain chances, and it all boils down to one primary reason – I’m afraid. But why should we be afraid? What’s so great a strength that should possibly deter me from taking that single leap of faith, which would then lead to so, so much more than I could ever possibly imagine?

So I’ve learnt something new. It’s hard, but I’m trying, I’m trying to start the change. To stop minimizing & discounting your feelings. After all, you have every right to feel the way you do. Sure enough, your feelings may not always be logical, but they are always valid. Because if you feel something, then you feel it and it’s real & legit to you. It’s not something you can ignore or wish away. It’s there, gnawing at you, tugging at your core. You can’t just choose to “stop” these feelings from coming or resurfacing every now and then, just because of circumstances or things that happen along the way.

And in order to find peace within, you have to give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you feel. You have to let go of what you’ve been told you “should” or “shouldn’t” feel. You have to drown out the voices of people who try to shame you into silence. You have to listen to the sound of your own breathing & honor the truth inside you. Because despite of what you may believe, you don’t need anyone’s validation or approval to feel what you feel. Your feelings are inherently right and true. They’re important and they matter – because you matter, and it is really more than okay to feel what you feel. Don’t let anyone, including yourself, convince you otherwise.

Looking around and people-watching, I can’t help but notice how so many people seem to be walking around with a meaningless life – and I know this is a bold assumption, which I can’t help but to have. They seem half-asleep, even when they’re busy doing things they think are important. This is because they’re chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to create something that gives you purpose & meaning.

Lastly, I just wanted to point this out. Words cut deeper than knives. A knife can be pulled out, but words are embedded into our souls. So if you don’t mean something, then just spare us all the trouble of play pretense and not say it altogether, right from the very start. Because eventually the truth will come to light, and ultimately the joke will be on you. As a friend, I’ll tolerate it, for now. Continue stepping on my toes with your subtle yet bold actions, and you’ll face the wrath from me. I’m appalled by my misjudgement, and I’m sorry to say you officially lost the friend in me, in that particular instant. But for memories & old times sake, I’ll let it go just this once. Just so you know, I’m not to be messed with. When I bite back, it’s going to hurt a million times more than what you’re trying to do to me now.

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And if all those words you said to me actually meant something, maybe we wouldn’t be standing where we are today x

Broken Ones

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Cross your heart and say you’ve never given up
That you carried on when every door was shut
That you live, you live with no regret
We wear a smile to hide that we’ve been hurt before
Keep our disasters in a suitcase by the door,
‘Cause you know, you know we’re only human

So lay your hands on the left behind
We all know how it feels to be forgotten for a while
In a crowded place trying not to feel alone,
Just remember that we’ve all been broken once
Let’s love the broken ones
Love the broken ones

Raise your glass to all the words we never say
We do our best, but still we look the other way,
‘Cause sometimes it’s easier to run
‘Cause after all, we’re only human

So drained, too many thoughts on my mind. Such mixed feelings it’s … insane. Just when I thought things were turning better, life proves me otherwise.

I’ve seen the picture posted above quite a few times on tumblr & each time I see it, I feel drawn into it somehow. Perhaps it’s due to the fact that it’s sort of a spinoff from my favorite Disney movie, or perhaps it’s due to the black & white image. Monochromatic colors seem to be attracting me a lot these days. Whatever it is, it’s time to wake up from this dream & head back to reality.

The irony of words have always been playing with my heart/mind, whatever haha till the next time when I’m less drained to type a proper post x

19 Sobering Truths About Friendship You Need To Accept In Your 20s

Thought Catalog

1. The people who you thought would be there for you when it counted are not always going to be there. Sometimes because they quite literally cannot be there, other times because they just don’t want to (anymore).

2. The same will go for you – you’re not always going to (want to) be there for people who need you too.

3. Some of your friends will be more successful than you. And you will be more successful than some of your friends. And this will change over time depending on everyone’s life situation, path, and sheer dumb luck.

4. You will feel like people you’ve known for years don’t know you at all anymore (and you don’t know them either). You will also feel like people you’ve met for five minutes just “get you.” And it’ll be a strange, complex feeling you’re not quite sure how to handle all…

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