Conflicted Contradiction

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Life hasn’t been all that smooth-sailing these days with various matters occurring.

Mr LKY passed away peacefully on 23 March 2015. As the Founding Father of Singapore, he is, and will continue to be deeply respected. For it is a fact that Singapore will not be what she is today without Mr Lee. His contributions, the time and effort he put in building up this nation that we Singaporeans are proud to call our home, is undeniable. Morphing from a mere third world nation to being a first world nation in a short span of (less than) 50 years, look how much Singapore has progressed. I wouldn’t dare claim to be a true patriot, but I know when respect is due, and Mr Lee deserves such respect. I honestly don’t know the specificities of the contributions Mr Lee made for Singapore, but I do know that it’s his efforts which eventually allowed me to be typing away here safely, without any major worries of security, education or whatsoever.

Which led to the decision of queueing to bid our final farewells, to give our bows, and to pay our final respects to Mr LKY. It was heartwarming beyond words, to see how Singaporeans were caring for each other and distributing water/rations along the way to those who were queueing. It was heartening to realise how there were no complaints or whatsoever of the long queue. Thankful to my two dearest friends with whom I queued together with. Those 5 hours were made tolerable because of you two, honoured to have been able to pay our final respects together :’)

All for our Founding Father, Mr LKY. May you rest in peace, sir.

***

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Sometimes the questions are complicated, and yet the answers are simple.

Vulnerability is innate in me, I know that for a fact. Yet as much as I’m trying to control for this shortcoming, it just doesn’t seem to work out as planned. Perspective is something really important, yet too many perspectives can be tiring. Not sure of what to make of various situations currently, and yet it’s not possible to let things remain status quo. So confused and drained by everything 😦 Someone told me today, to take these matters as challenges and a learning process. Albeit the late realizations, it is definitely better late than never. It’s important to embrace these challenges, instead of dodging them; for they act like boomerangs, and it’s eventually going to come back anyway. When it feels scary to jump, that’s exactly when you jump. Otherwise, you’ll end up staying the same place your whole life. Clouded visions, no more.

Saw this quote from Tumblr which I really agree with:

I don’t think that anything happens by coincidence. No one is here by accident. Everyone who crosses our path has a message for us. Otherwise they would have taken another path, or left earlier or later. The fact that these people are here means that they are here for some reason.

And this relates with my strong belief of soul mates 🙂 I really appreciate people who spare time for me, or show care via various methods, albeit being all caught up in studies, commitments, or just life in general. As emphasised in previous posts, these little things really make a huge difference to me. If growing up means more problems to face along the way, then I don’t ever want to grow up. Because it does get tiring at times, especially times like these, when everything chooses to crash all at once in an unplanned manner.

Pondering over how life has been for the past few weeks, I can’t help but to really question:

Where are the promised better days?

May things get better for everyone. May there be less tragedies happening. May the world be filled with more kindness & happiness. Tough times don’t last, tough people do. But that’s before the stress accumulated causes one to snap into pieces. It’ll then hurt those who attempt to fix those shards of broken pieces. And yet, that’s the time you’ll know who truly matters to you.

A wounded heart seeks shelter in a heart it can trust x

16 Ways To Identify Someone Who Is “Selectively Social”

“You fear getting close to people. Sometimes you get along with a person very well but there comes a point where you think you are getting close to that somebody and you disconnect immediately for a long time.”

Thought Catalog

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1. You are very frank and loud at home or when you are with your friends but you turn into a timid shy ball when you are with people you hardly know.



2. You are the entertainer in your friends circle but you hate it when your friends expect you to entertain in front of a crowd of strangers.



3. You are very close to just one or two friends among your friends circle. With the rest of the friends in your circle, you are comfortable being you but you are not too close. 



4. There’s an uncertainty when you agree to keep in touch with people. There are days when you want to talk to people yet there are days when you don’t want to talk to anyone.



5. When your friends ask you to join them for an outing, the first thing you ask is; “Who…

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Reality

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Isn’t it weird how people change and grow apart and stop talking and then one day you see this person who you swore you were going to be friends with forever and you can barely think of a thing to say and then it finally hits you that somewhere along the way your friendship dimmed and you will probably never be close to that person again.

I think that’s one of the saddest things I’ve come to terms with lately.

x

Cherish

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As we grow up, one important thing to realize is the inevitable progression of how things changed. From how they used to be, to how they are now. Perhaps some events are undeniably due to circumstance, and yet some are driven by the force of personal choices.

How sad it is, to be aware of such changes, to witness what was once relevant turn into something of little to no importance. The more I experience progressions, the more I appreciate constants; but maybe that’s just me. Not everyone acknowledges the little things in life, and merely take them for granted. How sad it is, to witness replacements, just because something better came along the way? To ditch the past just to embrace the new, that’s just nothing but ruthless & selfish. Just think about the people who have been there since day 1, or the people whom actually showed the care & concerns. It’s not even the case where the same amount of care etc is expected to be reciprocated, but isn’t there just the slight tint of guilt from your careless & hurtful actions or words (albeit unintentionally, or perhaps it was intentional – we’ll never know)? Maybe this time, we’re finally done trying.

It’s oddly fascinating yet excruciatingly upsetting how things work around in life. The way people can feel so connected … yet disconnected all at once. A close friend shared this with me earlier today: “As we grow up, our judgements get less clouded.” Sure there’re changes, but it hasn’t been all that drastic. Being the same with little discrepancies, it has been that way all along – we just fail to see the realities of how matters actually are. After all, don’t we all grow together? Or at least we thought we did. If you want to jump off the ride we have been riding together for such a long time, so be it. Just a note of caution, we’re humans too, and the hurt has been done already anyway. So much for the one-sided care sometimes, it gets tiring. And it clearly doesn’t help that it ain’t one-off, but rather a vicious cycle. I don’t believe in labelling “ignorance” as an excuse any longer, like we did in the past. This time, no excuses.

And it all boils down to priorities, or the lack thereof.

On a sidenote, saw this quote on Tumblr a few days back which I found to be really true.

I think I fall in love a little bit with anyone who shows me their soul.
This world is so guarded and fearful.
I appreciate rawness so much.

If the world was less calculative and filled with more love, gratitude and genuine people, it might be a better place to grow up in. As such, I really do appreciate the times when people around me let their guard down, let me in, and open up to me, as much as I feel comfortable in confiding in them 🙂 I know for a fact that I have serious trust issues, but it’s amazing (though scary at the same time) how comfortable I feel to opening up to people I barely know. Guess it takes someone with a similar soul to truly understand what everything encompasses. For when two fragile people meet, sensitivity becomes a given, boundaries are broken down individually and built around the two; knowing that confidentiality is an unspoken promise.

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For all that we’ve done/sacrificed, I think we deserve waaaaay better/more. At least now, I know the friendships/relationships worth cherishing x

The Death of Spontaneity

“I don’t think we can ever go back to being the spontaneous and fun loving kids we were in the past. All fun and pleasure is heightened with the element of spontaneity and surprise, and I am sad to say that we’ve either buried this part of ourselves or have placed it on life support. Now we plan our fun, and organise our surprises.”

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Free tonight? I check my watch. 7pm. I am sitting at home. Yes. I am free tonight, I reply. Great, meet you at the usual place? Yes ok, see you there in 20 minutes. And then before long, we’d meet. One of us would be late by ten minutes, the other by half an hour, but regardless of that, we’d meet. And then we would talk, and more friends would suddenly join halfway and it’ll be a crowd before long. Maybe we would go play a game of pool, bowling, kbox if time permits. All with twenty minutes notice.

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Nowadays it is different. Free tonight? I am wearing my jeans, and off to somewhere. No, I reply, I have something on that I had planned out since last Saturday,  bro. Some other time, perhaps? Oh that’s alright, I’ll just stick around at home, no worries.

But the thing is, I…

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Atelophobia

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In life, you can’t aim to please everyone. No matter what you do, there will always be disagreements. Just like how there’s always two sides to the coin, every matter can, and will, be perceived in different perspectives. Who’s allowed to discern the right from wrong, to have the ultimate say in things? Sometimes, stepping back & analyzing the entire situation, while putting away all prior prejudice or unhappiness, may be the only way to work things out. Whatever it is, it all boils down to sincerity & priorities I guess.

The non-existent recess week started & ended well, though the in-between is far from ideal. Had our very first cannies outing on Monday @ Marina Barrage! It went relatively well, and honestly this bunch of people are really nice to hang out with. Hopeefully I’ll be able to lose the awkwardness around me & properly bond with them. At least for one, I know that there’s something to look forward to after finals! 🙂

Headed to The Punggol Settlement for the first time yesterday, it was mindblowing/breathtaking & so damn therapeutic. The serenity in the environment, and non-crowded pathways, with the strong wind really made the entire atmosphere so calm & peaceful. Which is the exact opposite of how things are currently in life (sadly). Definitely heading back there whenever I have time, and gained a new interest in discovering such hidden gems in Singapore after finals as well! 🙂

I’ve spent the past week questioning my commitments & wondering if I’m just incapable to handle so many things. I’ve confided in my usual few regulars & thanks guys for listening + giving all the advice :’) It’s really heartening to have friends willing to stay up just to chat. In that aspect, I know I’m blessed :’) The overwhelming feeling of pending items to do really stressed me out, and when my laptop crashed a few days back, it really served as the trigger point of all my unhappiness. Literally spent my time moping around doing nothing, and I felt so handicapped without my laptop. Glad to have it back as I’m happily typing away on it, but R.I.P. to my iTunes (for the second time), where ALL my songs are gone and I have to go through the painful process of redownloading all my songs again *cries* That will have to wait after finals if I’m able to free some time up hmm.

With all that aside, I heeded the advice of listing down every single thing I need to do (even the smallest or simplest tasks). And it really worked! A couple of days ago, I started with having 36 items on my to-do list, and currently I’m down to 29. It really made me feel better & weirdly motivating to be more productive 🙂 Despite the huge amount of backlogs I’ve accumulated in the past few weeks of academics, this little amount of productivity is evidence of progressing forward.

So in response to whether I’m having any second thoughts to all my commitments:

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🙂 Take things in stride, everything will work out eventually. After all, everything happens for a reason.

Slept later than normal these days, I should really be trying to regulate my sleep cycle hmm. Can’t wait for this week to be over, and definitely going to embrace next week because it’s e-learning, even though it’s packed with meetings/schedules/things to do already whooops. Can’t wait for Saturday to be here already, hanging out sessions are always precious because physical meet-ups beat whatsapp/text any day.

Song to recommend: Serial Killer – Lana Del Rey. Simply got to love all of Lana’s songs, and this is my latest addiction haha. A pity that it’s an unreleased song though, wish it would be included in her album someday ): And I’m always open for song recommendations (especially English songs), so please share if you have any!

Random but a few days back when I was blasting Innocence by Avril Lavigne, my sis commented about how she’s sick of this song because I’ve been playing it since it got released in 2007 HAHA. Which made me realise that it’s pretty fascinating how it has remained as my all-time favourite song after 8 years (& counting) :’) Love how beautiful the lyrics are, love how soothing Avril’s voice is, love how pleasing the melody is. Glad to have Avril’s songs as an accompaniment of my growing up process, so thrilled for her 6th studio album please release it soon! I will always be a loyal Black Star ★

Here’s a rose for everyone out there having a hard time. Always remember, tough times don’t last, tough people do. Press on, all the best for midterms (if any). Oh and A level results are released in approximately an hour, so nervous/excited for my juniors! And I miss hwach days.

Till the next time x

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