Enigma

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Sometimes beautiful things come into our lives out of nowhere. We can’t always understand them, but we have to trust in them. I know you want to question everything, but sometimes it pays to just have a little faith.

I think I’m suffering from post-C.A.N. syndrome (mildly), this is quite ridiculous haha. It still feels so surreal that Project C.A.N. has ended (or at least the official phases are over), just several loose ends to tie up. It has been an amazing experience in the past few months, and I wouldn’t have wanted to spend my summer any other way, if given the chance to restart summer of 2015 all over again. It was undeniably hectic, but more than worth it. I’ll miss the crazy van rides & all the manual labour, getting shocked/sian when the lights at Storhub went off after 15 minutes, all the inside jokes, fun & laughter. The friendships forged through Project C.A.N. are those tagged along with precious memories, which I’ll keep close to my heart 🙂 So, so bittersweet now that it’s over.

A close friend asked me this a few days back, “which was the best day of your whole C.A.N. experience?” And I answered 26 July, without any hesitation. 26 July was the day I joined Project C.A.N. for, right from the very beginning. To have allowed myself to go through the whole planning process, and finally witnessing the fruits of our labour during Distribute. Really happy to have gotten my friends volunteer alongside me on 26 July. They have been the ones listening to my rants, always checking up on my mental well-being throughout the past months, and being so understanding about my frequent absence/last-minute cancellations of plans. Hence it meant so, so much for them to actually participate in an event that had such a huge significance to me 🙂 Glad that it exceeded their expectations, and personally thankful for how willing they were to interact with the beneficiaries.

Started off Distribute with an uncertainty lingering, because of the 10-15 issue. But having experienced it for myself on Sunday, I’m glad for that leap of faith taken, for people who supported the idea, and for those who didn’t – they still allowed us to venture into taking that risk. At least it all went well 🙂 Personally enjoyed all the interactions with the beneficiaries, and yet at the same time, it was so disheartening to hear their stories – because there’s just that limit we can do for them. Albeit having this one-off event to perhaps alleviate their situation temporarily, what most of them really need is the intangible time spent with them.

It’s that fuzzy indescribable feeling in the heart upon leaving each beneficiaries’ house, witnessing their smiles with that tinge of sadness tagged along to it, feeling the warmth from their hands as they held onto, and reassuringly patted on my own hands; these moments are the motivating factors of why I chose to volunteer in the first place. I wish there were more things we could have done for them, to be able to spend even more time just enjoying their company, as much as they enjoy ours. Sharing stories, listening to how nostalgic they are over their past, and telling them that it’s okay, as long as they lived a happy & contented life, it’s more than enough :’)

Project C.A.N. XII might have had its ups & downs throughout the entire journey, but I’m glad it ended on a really, really good note. I’ll definitely miss everything, all of these, that constituted a meaningful summer 🙂

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Time passes slowly when you’re young, and quickens as you get old. Summer lasted forever when I was seven, but now it only visits. When I was seven the days had more hours than I had use for, and the distance between sun up and down again was a vast & lazy sprawl; now, when I look back, things seem to have happened with the most hectic and startling speed. The weeks & months have seeped into each other and become a span without feature & detail, riddled with cavernous holes.

This summer feels like some journey to self-discovery as well, to test my limits & boundaries, and to challenge myself to step out of my comfort zone. Made pretty crazy choices which I wouldn’t look back or regret, because everything happens for a reason 🙂 With everything that happened this summer, I’ve grown from my experiences as a whole, and (hopefully) became more mature hee. I know that I’m still lacking in many areas, but slowly, one step at a time, I’ll learn to conquer them and turn these weaknesses into strengths.

& maybe someday, you’d realise how thankful I am for your presence in my life; how inspirational/important you’ve been to me in this journey.

Soon, this chapter of my life will close, only to embrace the next chapter ahead 🙂 x

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Milestones

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We make such messes in this life, messes of different intensities. But wiping the surface clean doesn’t really make anything any neater. it just masks what is beneath. It’s only when you really dig down deep, go underground, that you can see who you really are.

endlessparadigm has been with me through the various stages in my uni life, and with this post, I’ll document yet another milestone – another crazy insane unbelievable decision finalised in the past two days. Not sure how it’ll all turn out, still overwhelmed, but with the support & advice from various people, I guess it’s really time to be daring enough to go for it. One year back, should anyone ask if I was interested, I would just laugh it off and lament on how my abilities for this are simply non-existent. Today, as I’m typing this, I admit that the self-doubt still exists, the uncertainty in this, but I’ll try, and do whatever it takes to ensure that I won’t jeopardise anything, and hopefully make a difference and contribute in the many little ways I can 🙂

It’ll be a hectic month ahead for preparations, and if everything turns out successfully, it’ll be a hectic AY ahead. Hoping to be able to tide through all these, for this learning journey & experience is one that’s hard to come by – and now that I have the chance, I’ll make the best of how things are. I must be crazy, but a good kind of crazy.

For someone who’s rather emotions-oriented, the past few days have allowed me to see all the support/care/concerns the people around me have, which is really heartening 🙂 For giving me advice, weighing the pros and cons of such a decision, being worried I would burn out, thinking if I would be able to juggle the various commitments etc etc, I’m so so touched and blessed to have such a wonderful group of friends around me 🙂 As a bonus, I even got advice from someone who’s so inspiring & to put it simply, a legend in this scene. So honoured HAHA lucky me.

It’ll definitely not be a smooth sailing journey ahead, but that’s where I get to learn from right? What’s a role without challenges, it’ll just mean I’m not doing enough – not being critical enough of situations, and just playing it safe. Which isn’t something I’m aiming for, should I assume this role in the coming AY.

Thank you to everyone who has allowed me to confide in them for the past few days, all your opinions mean a lot to me, and through this experience, I’ll try to be a better person, and a better leader.

Had the first meet-up to discuss goals/general direction yesterday, although we sidetracked waaaaay too much, I think the general consensus for the direction has been set. So excited, and with a hopeful heart, this journey will begin. At least for one, I know that there wouldn’t be a lack of support, and we’ll all progress together, and help each other out. I’m not alone in this 🙂

Jiayou shiao, trust yourself as much as others trust you x

Here Is How You Love Without Expectation

“To love without expectation, you have to be okay with yourself. Okay with opening your doors, spreading your arms, baring your heart and understanding that not everyone is going to be gentle with it. You have to know that you can recover from those aches, that you can heal your own wounds, that you can trust yourself to walk away from the situations that do not grow or aid you.”

Thought Catalog

Merve illeuxMerve illeux

Here is how you love without expectation:

You love yourself first. Not necessarily most or best, but first. You don’t cancel plans that you were excited about because somebody else wanted your time. You don’t rearrange your schedule to accommodate a person who may bail at the last moment anyway. You are strict with yourself – even when you want to give in to the impulses of others –because you know that what you want and what you need is not always the same thing.

You need someone you can rely on and that person has to be you. At the end of the day, if everyone else bails and flakes and fails to show, you will still be there. So don’t look at yourself as a sad consolation prize. Put in the work. Become someone you’re proud of. If you’re who you’re left with at the end…

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Take Heart

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This post marks the 200th post on endlessparadigm, since my first post waaaaay back in 2013 (I think)! Happy 200th post, may there be many more posts to come, to document the little details in my life, for this platform will serve as a useful tool when I feel like taking a trip down memory lane 🙂 Still remember vividly that I moved away from livejournal & created this blog for a fresh start, since the timing coincided nicely with my entry to university. It has been a long journey since then, hoping to find some time to settle down and look back all my posts!

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This post also marks another significant event – the rebranding of Youth Rangers. As of 19 July, the rebranding of Youth Rangers has been approved – it will be known as Youth Beacons from now on. First milestone for our incoming successors, which also signifies the stepping down from our roles in YR soon. So bittersweet, and so much to share about this whole journey. Definitely going to find a time to post about my journey in YR, and my hopes for YB in the near future 🙂

Take Heart by The Sam Willows is mad addictive, go check it out if you haven’t already done so. Local talent, local pride, it’s an amazing song really.

Twist and turn of fate caused me to pull out of something at the last minute, something which I’ve intended to join since last year. Not sure if it’s the right decision, well not like I had a choice to begin with, after everything thus far. Still holding on to my belief that everything happens for a reason, maybe I’m not meant to join it after all? Whatever it is, on the bright side, Y3S1 wouldn’t be as packed/busy as I intended for it to be, so I guess that’s a good thing for me haha. No point regretting, I made the decision, I bear the consequences. All I hope is for it to have been the right decision. Or at least, that I’ll have the ability to ensure it was a right choice.

Trying my best to not let anything spoil my mood from now on! I’m going to be a really happy girl this coming week for various reasons, starting tomorrow 🙂 x

Hypnotic

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I truly believe we can either see the connections, celebrate them, and express gratitude for our blessings; or we can see life as a string of coincidences that have no meaning of connection. For me, I’m going to believe in miracles, celebrate life, rejoice in the views of eternity, and hope my choices will create a positive ripple effect in the lives of others. This is my choice.

Putting aside some time to craft this post before I start clearing things off my to-do list.

C.A.N. Challenge officially concluded on 11-12 July. It was an amazing experience, and it’s so heartening when members of the public tell us things like “this is a really meaningful cause”/”good job” etc, because it really reaffirms the meaning behind the project in the first place 🙂 It has been an enjoyable weekend albeit tiring (though not as bad as Collect), and a plus point was the increased amounts of interactions with OC members, volunteers, and members of the public. There’s this indescribable feeling when the public asks more about our project, and their amazement when they understood our cause etc. Faith in humanity restored, for the public was so generous in their donations – no matter the amount, as long as they donated, it’s enough, because they have the heart to do so 🙂 Thank you to everyone who helped in one way or another, be it donating to us, or even going the extra mile to provide welfare for us as we’re busy filtering/packing. May the world be filled with more kindness 🙂

Spent yesterday at Sentosa before heading to school in the evening/night for meeting. Volunteering as a station master for E12 was a fun experience! Finally managed to be part of E12 in some way, after waiting for the chance since E11. Twist of fate causing me to be unable to commit as a councillor/OC member for both E11 & E12, hence I’m really grateful for the chance yesterday. And I got to meet a friend & a junior who came to E12 as freshies hee. Terribly sunburnt now, but it’s all worth it. Hoping for the pain to go away soon though, it’s really inconvenient ugh.

Managed to squeeze a few meet-ups in the past 2 weeks, and such meet-ups really mean loads to me. For the past month, I’ve felt so detached from my friends because of the lack of energy/time to properly reply messages, and just really wanting to crash after getting home every night even though time doesn’t allow for it. But at least they are so understanding, it makes me feel guilty. All the random “don’t burn out”, “jiayou!” & “it’ll all be worth it in the end”, makes my heart filled with gratitude. Thank you for believing in what I believe in/what I’m passionate about, and for always being so supportive.

What constitutes a meaningful volunteering experience? I don’t know if I’m being too critical or naive or optimistic, and I acknowledge that there are different POVs – all viewpoints have their own plausible arguments. So why is it that the more I think about it, the more uncertain I am? 😦 My naiveness is going to get me into trouble someday haha.

Haven’t been able to play the piano this summer break at all (okay only once haha), unlike past summer/December breaks. Really miss playing the piano because it’s therapeutic getting lost in the songs. Truly missing me-time, but this busy hectic crazy insane summer will definitely be worth it ultimately. I hope it will, I know it will.

x

When You Have To Leave The Best Things Behind

“You have to think of all the times that life has surprised you for the better and know that it can do it again. That it will do it again – as long as you stay open to those changes. As long as you don’t let the endings close you off from the new beginnings that are waiting ahead.”

Thought Catalog

Agustín RuizAgustín Ruiz

We’re not always going to be ready for the changes life presents us with.

There will be times when we get to stay exactly where we’re happy – curled up in the lap of everything we want, everything we have and everything we’re comfortable with. There will be times when we are struggling – grasping to figure things out and get to wherever it is we’re going next. And perhaps the most challenging time of all will be the chasm that exists between these times – when something unexpectedly rips what we want from us and forces us to leave it behind. When we have to walk away before we’re ready. When we have to leave what we want and what we love in the past.

There’s nothing more difficult than walking away from what we love before we’re ready to. Even when every fibre of our being…

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