Velveteen

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The little things? The little moments?
They aren’t little to me.

There are things that I dearly miss, but it’s unhealthy to keep dwelling in the past because it compromises on the things we should be appreciating in the present lives we lead.

I’m thankful for the memories, it clearly hasn’t been a short duration. Thank you for going through the good & bad, and for being a source of support for me when all else failed. I wouldn’t have been able to get through so many phases of my life if you weren’t there.

But these days, I find myself reminiscing the memories more than I should be – and this is a sign that things just aren’t the same any longer. I miss the past, and I wish that things would go back to how they used to be, but they can’t.

We went through a test before – this isn’t the first. But something tells me that this time round, we’ve failed. We don’t know each other anymore – our perceptions of each other’s lives are stuck in the past, since a few months ago. How much have things changed since then? On my end, I know that the changes have been so drastic you probably don’t even know of them – yet another source of upset. Life takes unexpected turns, and we don’t always have the time we think we have.

Maybe I’ll give this one last shot. And after, I’m officially done trying; and I’ll let this chapter close for good x

If I cut you off, chances are you handed me the scissors.

Atelophobia

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I can feel it through your empty eyes & I can hear all the screaming thoughts in that chaotic mind of yours. One day you will realise that this moment and the ones before & after, will shape you into who you are and will be. Feelings are not permanent. Life is temporary. But you, you can take it & make it worthwhile.

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The past weeks have been hectic & hence the lack of updates on endlessparadigm. It’ll be ridiculous to say that I’m burnt out since it’s only week 6 and I’ve barely started studying. Thank goodness for only one mid-terms this sem, although the tradeoff meant that more social agency visits & assignments are in place. Not complaining or regretting though, for those experiential learning will definitely serve as a good platform to gain more insights into the sphere of social work 🙂

On a sidenote, really miss the times when it was actually possible to have frequent meetups with friends. Really missing those two enjoying life in Korea currently, but thanks (especially Y!!) for always listening to the stuff I have to say and really promoting the free expression & freedom of speech in our conversations heh. Can’t wait to Skype you guys soon, and glad that nothing’s changed despite being a million miles away.

Not sure if it’s time to move on & attempt to close this certain chapter of my life – and yet I catch myself being unwilling/unable to bring myself to do so. After all, this still means a lot to me & I am still in the phase where I’m not willing to forgo it. Shall see how things progress along the way, and let things unfold naturally.

I don’t exactly know why I’m letting certain matters affect me more than they should, but through these I guess it reflects the importance of matters/people in my life? It’s the little things in life that mean the most, and it’s exactly these things that keep you motivated & keep going on. And yet it’s always those little things that defines you; and can either make or break you.

Honestly the transition isn’t easy, and I’m still trying to come to terms with everything that’s going on, the responsibilities, & dispelling the worries & what-nots, but it’s really harder than it seems. And I’m still trying, it’s tiring but I’m really, really, still trying. Muffled appeals for help will serve no purpose at all any longer anyway. Perhaps given the circumstances, it’s time to be truly independent. Let’s just hope I’m up for it.

Till the next time, for a breather x

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Camaraderie

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It’s strange how we always want other people to feel what we feel. It must be a basic human drive.
Misery loves company, right?
Or when you see a movie that you love, don’t you want to drag all your friends to see it as well?
Because it’s only good the second time if it’s the first time for somebody else – as if their experience somehow resonates inside of you.
The power of shared experiences.

Maybe it’s a way to remind ourselves that on some level we’re all connected.

Finally taking the time to update endlessparadigm. Honestly have many thoughts running through my mind for the past days/weeks, but it’s quite impossible to jot all of them down, especially when some are more personal haha. Maybe it’s a good time to revert back to the printed diaries instead? But then again, time is yet another issue to consider.

Watched Inside Out with A recently, and it was such a gooooood movie. Really love the concept of the movie, and how it illustrates the importance of different emotions in allowing a person to function well. Highly recommended movie (even though it’s animation), though I can’t unthink of the “control system” in each person’s mind now haha.

It was a summer of change. I’ve grown in so many ways. The crossroads came at every junction and I was almost lost one way or another; I still am. But I’m no longer standing where I used to be, and perhaps, that is enough for now.

3 September 2015 marked 2 significant milestones in my life.

First, where I’m stepping down as a vice-chairperson of Youth Rangers/Youth Beacons. Exactly 365 days of the official term, I still remember so clearly how AGM was on 4 Sept ’14, and the things that happened right before AGM last year haha. Looking back, the past year has been filled with fun, joy, laughter, despite the stress, tears, & unhappiness (at times). Each phase is yet another learning experience, and as long as there are memorable takeaways, it would be deemed worth it ultimately, isn’t it?

Next, where I’m officially assuming the role of VPRP in CSC. It still feels so surreal … but I’m looking forward to an amazing year ahead, alongside 14MC. Hoping not to disappoint anyone, including myself. And that I’d be able to handle everything, while not neglecting studies/family/friends. Going to take the time really soon to pen down my individual goals/expectations for my term in this position 🙂

Easily tired out these days. It’s been years since you broke me and I still step on the shattered remains of who I used to be.

Silence kills, go figure. Till the next time x