Heartbeat

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We’re all scared most of the time. Life would be lifeless if we weren’t. Be scared, and then jump into that fear. Again and again. Just remember to hold on to yourself while you do it.

Had a fun time with (part of) 14MC for MC Photoshoot earlier today 🙂 Really excited and hopeful for the term ahead with 14MC, it won’t be an easy path, but at the end of our term, hopefully we will all be able to look back and have many fond memories etched in our minds/hearts for the rest of our lives 🙂 Glad that I’m given the platform to pursue something that I’m passionate about, hoping that everything will work out eventually. Things have been made easier with a bunch of fun people to work with, I’ll definitely be at a loss without all of their guidance & advice. May 14MC be more bonded, serve CSC well in our various positions, be more active as a volunteer on-the-ground, and have fun while we’re at it 🙂

Received the results of my (one & only) midterms, glad I didn’t screw it up despite studying for it only the night before. Perks of it being a psychology-related social work module, and that it was an MCQ test haha. Need to start mugging for finals soon after all the submissions are over; 3 submissions this week + 1 next week, can’t wait to have the time to fully concentrate on finals! Rather determined to do well (or at least decent) this semester, especially since it’s my first semester taking social work modules hee. Social work studies have been really insightful thus far, and it opened my eyes to many details that I’ve overlooked in the past. May the subsequent modules of social work in upcoming semesters be as fulfilling as this semester has been 🙂

Normality is subjective – it’s a social construct, and it’s perceived in different ways, from different point of views, depending on how you define it to be. What constitutes actions/thoughts that are supposedly normal anyway? Been doing quite a bit of soul searching amidst the busy days, trying to understand what I truly want and what matters more. It’s unhealthy to harp onto things/thoughts that don’t deserve any attention, or even contributing to the sadness faced for that matter. Sometimes it’s inevitable to clutch onto those memories in hope for a reoccurrence even though we know it’s not going to happen. And over-reliance is a big no-no.

But then I realised – you can’t find someone who will fix you. That’s not how it works. You’re supposed to find someone who inspires you to fix yourself. Not someone who thinks all your flaws are perfect, but someone who challenges them; someone who can tell you that you can rise above the past and learn to love & trust again. No one will show up in your life with the magic words to chase the demons away. But one day you will meet someone who will make you want to fight them off yourself, because they deserve nothing less than your best.

Being positive doesn’t mean pretending everything is okay all the time. It means acknowledging your feelings & realising that you have the power to overcome any obstacle. It means realising that although you can’t control your circumstances, you can always see the silver lining. There is always a silver lining.

Late nights serve as an apt time to craft such thought-provoking posts, enjoying the peace & tranquility that only nights can provide. Alright back to socio-cultural theories in social work assignment, hoping to complete it before sunrise haha. Productivity level needs to increaseee haha.

P.S. Really a sucker for flowers & helium balloons, so pretty omg hahah okay till the next time x

Presque Vu

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You know what I think we are most afraid of? Not knowing. Not knowing whether it’s all really worth it. Not knowing if you should give up or keep fighting. Not knowing why you do the things you do; not knowing the purpose. It’s like when you were little and you touch the stove and get burnt because you didn’t know that it was hot. Not knowing has always hurt us, from the very beginning.

Time has really flown past really quickly this semester, it’s already mid-week of W10. The past few weeks have been busy with meetings, projects, assignments & what-nots. Sometimes the fatigue takes its toll, while other times, it just makes life seem more fulfilling. Whatever it is, I feel the growth – I’ve really learnt a lot in the past months, be it in terms of studies or enhancing aspects of my volunteering journey.

Successfully completed our first VW event as 14MC on Monday 🙂 Bottomline, the volunteers who came for the event shared that they had fun, and that’s the most important thing isn’t it? Thankful for the MC’s efforts from the pre-prep phases to the actual event itself, and post-event clearing up. There’s so much more that we can do to improve, but we all learn from our mistakes & we need to ensure that we don’t make the same mistakes anymore. Happy (belated) 13th Birthday CSC, thanks for being a club that feels like home 🙂 & for letting me see what I truly want in life.

Sometimes it’s easy to feel like you’re the only one in the world who’s struggling, who’s frustrated, or unsatisfied, or barely getting by. But that feeling’s a lie. And if you just hold on, just find the courage to face it all for another day and someone, or something, will find you and make it all okay. Because we all need a little help sometimes. Someone to help us hear the music in our world. To remind us that it won’t always be this way. That someone is out there, and that someone will find you.

Till the next time x

Goodbye Lullaby

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It was real. Somewhere between the stars, the lights, I discovered that what we had was real. For a long time I wondered if, while walking by my side, you ever saw it that way, that we had every chance to make it. I saw each footstep we left behind being absorbed, disappearing instantly into collecting pools of water that erased all evidence of us being there. I wondered if the words I spoke to you were more like our footsteps, or the rain; if they covered up the scar of words that foot stepped across your heart, left by those who tried to walk the same uncertain path before me, or if they joined them. I stepped, I spoke, I stopped, and your words fell like rain.

It’s midway through week 8 of school and it has been really, really tiring. Staying up till almost sunrise just to complete assignments, prepare for tutorials, finalise materials for presentations. I really need better time management, and to learn to take things in stride, for currently I just feel so overwhelmed with everything on hand. Typing this post at 3am, as a midway break before I continue trudging through my assignment (yet again).

And recently, I keep getting the question of how I’m coping in my new major, whether I’m regretting the switch, etc etc. I don’t regret I really don’t 🙂 In fact, I’m so appreciative of the many chances for experiential learning, be it NHS or just mere social agency visits. It allows for a step into the sphere of reality in this field, something that theories will never be able to compensate for. And yet it gets upsetting hearing the stories/cases shared, to know that there are so many people out there who require help and assistance – but at least by having a case opened for them, there’s that glimmer of hope. And there are those who fall through the cracks, which results in the inability to receive as much help as they actually need. Hopefully policies will be improved to be more inclusive hmm, but then again there are the pros & cons attached to every decision made.

Increasingly I start feeling the sense of helplessness, the muffled cries of despair; things that you’d have comforted me for in the past, but no longer the present. I hate it whenever I catch myself thinking that I could turn to you to share the details of my life that I used to share – it used to be so natural, and now all that’s left is the sense of void. It’s like this wall built up even higher than before, I don’t even dare to let my thoughts wander there anymore – the hurt’s real. I guess the closure will never be there, because all I’d really want to ask is, “What happened to us?” but I’m afraid of knowing the answer. It’ll forever remain a mystery that’s unsolved, which is a pity because of … well many reasons. I’m just naive to think that promises hold.

On a happier note, I’m glad to be bale to spend time with our youths again today 🙂 They really are my happy little pills – when I was sharing about the programme with a fellow Social Work major, she commented “you must really enjoy your sessions, I can hear the happiness when you’re talking about your youths”; nothing can be more true than that. Our youths will always hold a special spot in my heart – and I hope they will all grow up to pursue their dreams that they shared with us, to be able to attain the freedom and happiness that they’ve always yearned for.

& thank you A for meeting up for lunch earlier this week, it was a much needed break from the insanity faced throughout the weeks (although we aren’t exactly very sane whenever we meet up haha); & thanks Y for the frequent random topics in our chat that always helps to make the long train rides seem much more tolerable. & most importantly, sorry to anyone who felt a certain hostility from me in chats – trust me the fault is entirely on me, the past few weeks haven’t been easy to get by and it’s really getting to me. The last thing I’d want is for any misunderstandings to occur because of my lack of replies (again), or the fact that I don’t sound as “enthusiastic” these days haha.

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Sometimes I can’t help but to wonder, all these trade-offs, are they worth it? x