C’est la vie

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Life is a race, it’s a marathon, but you’re sprinting all the way. (Ng, 2016)

And that’s when you start to feel exhausted, that’s when you start to walk on margins. And that’s when you realise, you’re only human, even though everyone expects more.

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Jaded

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Time will pass; these moods will pass; and I will, eventually, be myself again.

Constantly in the struggles of wanting to confide in my friends, yet feeling apologetic for having to burden them with my issues. Thank you to the ones who spent time making sure that I’m okay, for listening to my worries and for being present to reassure me 🙂 To the ones who’ve been staying up all night for me, I’m genuinely touched & grateful, thanks for being so selfless even though I just keep going on & on about the same problems. It hasn’t been an easy semester, there are still many things in life that I’m learning to come to terms with, and it doesn’t help that more insecurities are surfacing along the way. For one, I’ll need to start being a better friend.

Not sure if they are considered irrational beliefs, or perhaps it’s a heightened level of self-awareness that’s the root of all these frustrations. That’s the thing about being a Social Work student I feel, we are trained to increase our level of self-awareness, to start identifying our personal irrational beliefs, to be clear of our stands/values & what-nots, and to rationalise the emotions we’re facing. Ignorance is a bliss at times, but sadly, ignorance is something we can’t afford in this helping profession.

Don’t get me wrong though, I’m not regretting this journey – it has been one filled with fun & laughter, and every lesson serves as a learning experience that offers new perspectives & to gain new insights 🙂 May I truly be able to find the style of helping that suits me soon. Love exchanging thoughts & perspectives with other Social Work students, the culture in this major is so, so welcoming, even for someone so afraid of social interactions like me.

There are things that are learnt the hard way, and someone told me this recently: Be willing to go alone sometimes. You don’t need permission from anyone to grow. Not everyone who started with you will finish with you. And that’s okay. So apt, too apt.

4 more submissions + 2 more presentations to go before the end of the semester. Please let me survive ugh. Then summer will arrive and bring about a new & different kind of crazy altogether x

P.S. latest song addiction – 7 Years by Lukas Graham *o*

Soon there will be nothing left of us except for the words and the memories that bounce around inside our hearts and our lungs, nothing except the ghost of each other’s eyes and staying up talking about what will become of our lives, but neither of us could have expected it to end like this.

Tabula Rasa

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Holding on takes strength, letting go takes everything.

So, so true. More often than not, people tend to view those who “let go” or “give up” as cowards, as failures. But have they thought about how much it takes to let go?

Motivations, or the supposed lack thereof. Pretty intriguing, I would say.

x

Almost

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How many bad days do you have to get through to finally deserve a good day because honestly, I need a break.

Read this quote on Tumblr and it struck me so hard, it’s the perfect reflection of what I’m going through these days. It’s getting difficult again, balancing everything and more importantly, coming to terms with my emotions.

Sometimes, you feel as though it’s you against the world. On nights like these, when all you crave for is to be understood, what you get in return is nothing but bouts of disappointment, in the world, in the people around you, in yourself.

It’s easy for people to advise and preach about how there are better things to focus on, instead of moping in the whirlpool of emotions that tend towards negativity. It’s easy for people to tell you to leave the past behind, for what’s done cannot be undone. But have they ever realised, that perhaps, some things can never be left behind no matter how hard you try. Perhaps, these things don’t belong to the past. Perhaps, these things belong to you.

A few days ago, I randomly chanced upon this post that was left in the cobwebs of drafts and never made it to endlessparadigm. It was an unfinished post, one that was filled with irony in comparison to the state of my life currently. Since the post was drafted, so much has changed. Something quoted from a (used to be) close friend, that was said in the unfinished post was:

Always trust in the person until they break your trust.

The amount of weight that statement carries right now is just so, so suffocating. And I realised how reluctant I am to have had to let go of the friendship. I know there isn’t any point in harping on it anymore, and trust me when I say that I’ve contemplated endless times on whether I should attempt to revive the friendship. But like the cliché saying goes, it takes two hands to clap. For what it’s worth, I don’t want to be the one trying while knowing the outcome right from the very start. Because truth be told, I’m tired. I’m tired of trying, and maybe I’m selfish but I’d rather live in oblivion of the harsh truth of reality.

But at the same time, there’s that curiosity, there’s the need for closure. What should you do, when you’re experiencing hopeful sadness? Or rather, what could you do, when you’re handicapped by so many factors?

Sometimes you need to distance yourself and create alone time – so you can connect with who you really are, and discover for yourself what you want out of life.

Almost wasn’t quite enough for me. Till the next time x