Little Talks

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We shelter an angel within us. We must be the guardian of that angel.

Procrastination at its best despite having a paper tomorrow & I am far from being prepped . . . the lack of motivation for this module is legit haha. Currently only 20% done with finals & I’ve so many friends who are done/gonna be done/more than halfway through already sigh this sucks. It’s only gonna get worse next week when everyone’s in post finals mode and nope, finals only end next Thursday for me ugh.

Feeling angsty/sian these days really easily it’s not good gosh. But for good reason I suppose? And the amount of ambiguity and issues and pent-up frustrations in my life has been overwhelmingly insane what’s going on in my life???? And also feeling pretty meh about not going for OMAM/Damien Rice concerts when they hit the town, nobody to go with/not sure if I have work haha daaaaamn what a bummer.

‘ve been listening to quite a few songs these days that aren’t helping my mood/situation, I guess this is what people mean when they talk about feeding negativity with more negativity, it’s a vicious cycle that you wouldn’t want to step out of. Kinda really apologetic to those who listen to my never-ending vents whoopsies but thanks guys y’all are the best thanks for always checking in on me randomly to make sure I’m still surviving/sane/alive *virtual hug* 🙂 Okay gross.

Kinda need to regulate my sleep cycle before placement starts, not helpful at all if I’m gonna be sleeping past 4 in the morning everyday whoooops. Late nights do serve as a good platform for therapeutic thinking, but engaging in too much of such might serve as a deterrence from accepting reality hmm. Go figure. Anywaaaaaay, read so many random articles today that are really thought provoking, ranging from articles about torturing mentally ill prisoners to the controversy of kindness to even talking about reevaluating empathy hmm. And also the article about child protection work/services in SG that G shared (hi there HAHA), with the increasing prevalence of articles related to our work, it really makes you think a lotttttt more. Kinda wanna discuss about my thoughts on all ’em articles I read today but it’s finals period & I don’t wanna disturb anyone more than I already have so, self-discussion shall suffice I guess. Anyone up for discussion lemme know though hee.

To sum my life up these days:

It’s just so out of control. Life, I mean. The way it flies off in all these different directions without your permission. – Sara Zarr

Till the next time, all the best to everyone fighting battles (be it finals or not) x

Éloigne

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Life can teach you so much in such a short amount of time, and that’s just what the last few weeks have done for me.- Cirino 

Today, I witnessed these two Primary school boys being rowdy & disruptive on the bus, scolding vulgarities all too frequently, and cursing at every other thing they see.

Today, I saw this young boy throwing a tantrum and getting his mom to eventually piggy-back him, even though she looked so tired and uncomfortable doing so.

These made me so upset . . . and momentarily, I lost faith in humanity.

Today, I walked past so many happy faces, taking photos with their friends and/or department sign, they must be thankful for the friendships forged throughout their undergraduate days.

Today, I saw this elderly uncle make way for a total stranger to enter the bus first, and how he wished the bus driver a good day after.

At least, these are signs that not all hope is lost 🙂

Escapism

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Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting. Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you to love yourself, to make you feel better for a little while, or to just be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to. Not everyone is going to stay forever, and we still have to keep on going and thank them for what they’ve given us. – Emery Allen

Reminder to self. For what it’s worth, perhaps distancing earlier would be beneficial for others. The last thing I’d want is for progress to be impeded due to my presence . . . because ultimately, sacrifices have to be made, and I’d rather make the first move of separation. Call it being nice, or call it being selfish, I’ve gone through enough to know when to let go to prevent further upsets. I’m honestly tired this time. I’m tired of being conflicted between trying & walking away, so this time, let me be selfish and choose the latter.

“Week 13 already!!!” It’s gonna be an intense & crazy studying period ahead but let’s survive & look forward to placement in the summer 🙂 Skeptical of my abilities to perform as a Social Work student, but excited to learn from the experience hee. Pretty excited for all others on first placement too, it’ll be so fulfilling for all of us & listening from each other’s journey during placement! It’ll be a busy summer ahead with different commitments to juggle but . . . with faith & passion we’ll conquer it all.

I’ve grown to realise that situations beyond your control are far worse than situations that you can have an impact on. When you’re caught in a situation where you’re rendered useless, all you can feel is helplessness & despair. When no amount of worrying or crying can salvage anything, when you feel like the whole world has turned against you. Through this, I’ve learnt that I tend to escape from problems that I should be facing, though living in denial can only last for a short period of time. When reality slaps me in the face after, it’ll hurt a million times more, and I’m not sure if I can take it any longer.

Hmm anyway, ‘ve been listening to Hebe’s songs quite frequently, which is surprising given that I rarely listen to Chinese songs haha. Love the style & lyrics of her songs, it provides a blanket of comfort for times like these. But anyway, looking forward to song recommendations so please recommend if any (esp English songs hehe)!

Some of the greatest battles will be fought within the silent chambers of your own soul.

Till the next time x

Nyctophilia

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I’m here to tell you that if you get broken, it’s possible to put yourself back together. I’m here to tell you that if you get lost, it’s possible that a light will come, dancing, on the horizon, to lead you home. -Nick Lake

A friend sent this to me yesterday night when I was trapped into this whole whirlpool of emotions that surface again, despite having successfully buried then within momentarily. Timely reminder, that not all hope is lost. Thank you 🙂

x

 

L’espoir

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There is nothing good or bad but thinking makes it so. -William Shakespeare 

So tempted to just abandon all commitments for a day & just embrace books after books (and no I’m not talking about textbooks), haven’t read from a physical book in a pretty long while and that greatly upsets me because reading is (one of) my form(s) of escapism from reality. Caught myself drifting to Times/Popular Bookstores everytime I’m out & about, just to browse through the books displayed. Holding back (self-control gosh) not to read Me Before You by Jojo Moyes yet till the movie hits the big screen – the extended trailer looks so, so good, I’m a sucker for movies of this genre, almost sure I’ll bawl at some point in time during the movie *o*

Life hasn’t been the best yet in the past week but I’m starting to pick up the pieces of me that I left behind along the way. Heightened self-awareness leads to more probing of oneself, which in some sense is beneficial, but definitely tiring. Still trying to come to terms & rationalise certain emotions that I’m feeling, but it’s easier said than done & I’m honestly drained. Tired of how thoughts inevitably start going in circles & coming to no conclusion ultimately; could this possibly mean that I actually have a conclusion in mind that I refuse to accept, thus I’ll just choose to ignore it?

The heart dies a slow death, shedding each hope like leaves, until one day there are none.
No hopes. Nothing remains.
– Arthur Golden

I learnt that ambiguity is a dangerous thing. Ambiguity leaves room for imagination, and with imagination comes the glimmer of hope. With hope comes expectations, and when expectations aren’t met, things start spiralling down. Who’s there to blame ultimately? Is it the people who failed to meet your expectations? Or should the blame be directed towards nobody but yourself, for having the audacity to hope? I’m in desperate need of some clarity in my life now.

On a lighter note, amidst my crazy busy hectic insane schedule, I managed to head down to different RVPs to volunteer yay 🙂 Not a stranger to most of these places as I’ve headed down previously, but volunteering makes my heart feel so, so full every single time ❤ Gaining new insights with every interaction I have with the beneficiaries, understanding them better, and through them, I understand myself a little more each time. The hours spent volunteering each week are the hours where I get to temporarily put down whatever baggage I have, leave my worries aside, and really enjoy myself in that short time span. And for that, I’m beyond grateful for the breather. Skeptical about how much impact I could have left in their lives from a mere visit or two, but thankful for such opportunities, albeit acknowledging that there’s more I could do for them. Hope they enjoyed my presence as much as I loved their accompaniment 🙂

Food for thought – if we are introducing adhoc into regularity for somewhat personal reasons of growth & learning, are we actually doing more harm than good to those involved? For one, my heart really, really broke when I witnessed a particular scene recently hmm.

Another food for thought – I’m starting to recognise the importance of passion in tiding one through difficulties & issues. I used to acknowledge this truth, but only till recent did I truly embrace the significance of passion.

Week 12 isn’t going to be easy, but as with all tough times previously, we’ll tide through it. The severe lack of sleep from the past few days is starting to take its toll on me, wonder how long it’ll be before I reach my breaking point. So much for testing boundaries and limits haha.

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P.S. I finally got my hands on new calligraphy nibs hehe, time to practice more English calligraphy when I’m free 🙂

x