L’espoir

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There is nothing good or bad but thinking makes it so. -William Shakespeare 

So tempted to just abandon all commitments for a day & just embrace books after books (and no I’m not talking about textbooks), haven’t read from a physical book in a pretty long while and that greatly upsets me because reading is (one of) my form(s) of escapism from reality. Caught myself drifting to Times/Popular Bookstores everytime I’m out & about, just to browse through the books displayed. Holding back (self-control gosh) not to read Me Before You by Jojo Moyes yet till the movie hits the big screen – the extended trailer looks so, so good, I’m a sucker for movies of this genre, almost sure I’ll bawl at some point in time during the movie *o*

Life hasn’t been the best yet in the past week but I’m starting to pick up the pieces of me that I left behind along the way. Heightened self-awareness leads to more probing of oneself, which in some sense is beneficial, but definitely tiring. Still trying to come to terms & rationalise certain emotions that I’m feeling, but it’s easier said than done & I’m honestly drained. Tired of how thoughts inevitably start going in circles & coming to no conclusion ultimately; could this possibly mean that I actually have a conclusion in mind that I refuse to accept, thus I’ll just choose to ignore it?

The heart dies a slow death, shedding each hope like leaves, until one day there are none.
No hopes. Nothing remains.
– Arthur Golden

I learnt that ambiguity is a dangerous thing. Ambiguity leaves room for imagination, and with imagination comes the glimmer of hope. With hope comes expectations, and when expectations aren’t met, things start spiralling down. Who’s there to blame ultimately? Is it the people who failed to meet your expectations? Or should the blame be directed towards nobody but yourself, for having the audacity to hope? I’m in desperate need of some clarity in my life now.

On a lighter note, amidst my crazy busy hectic insane schedule, I managed to head down to different RVPs to volunteer yay 🙂 Not a stranger to most of these places as I’ve headed down previously, but volunteering makes my heart feel so, so full every single time ❤ Gaining new insights with every interaction I have with the beneficiaries, understanding them better, and through them, I understand myself a little more each time. The hours spent volunteering each week are the hours where I get to temporarily put down whatever baggage I have, leave my worries aside, and really enjoy myself in that short time span. And for that, I’m beyond grateful for the breather. Skeptical about how much impact I could have left in their lives from a mere visit or two, but thankful for such opportunities, albeit acknowledging that there’s more I could do for them. Hope they enjoyed my presence as much as I loved their accompaniment 🙂

Food for thought – if we are introducing adhoc into regularity for somewhat personal reasons of growth & learning, are we actually doing more harm than good to those involved? For one, my heart really, really broke when I witnessed a particular scene recently hmm.

Another food for thought – I’m starting to recognise the importance of passion in tiding one through difficulties & issues. I used to acknowledge this truth, but only till recent did I truly embrace the significance of passion.

Week 12 isn’t going to be easy, but as with all tough times previously, we’ll tide through it. The severe lack of sleep from the past few days is starting to take its toll on me, wonder how long it’ll be before I reach my breaking point. So much for testing boundaries and limits haha.

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P.S. I finally got my hands on new calligraphy nibs hehe, time to practice more English calligraphy when I’m free 🙂

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