Wonderland

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You have to get hurt. That’s how you learn. The strongest people out there, the ones who laugh the hardest with a genuine smile, those are the people who have fought the toughest battles. Because they’ve decided that they’re not going to let anything hold them down, they’re showing the world who’s the boss.

The past 2.5 weeks have been incredibly fulfilling, but extremely emotionally draining. The past 2.5 weeks have exposed me to some of the nastier, sadder, depressing sides of humanity that I’ve cautiously/rarely/never treaded upon. Values/Perceptions that I never realised I had starts surfacing, and more often than not, upsetting/emotional situations get to me each time. To learn to empathise as a professional, yet not delve too deep & be affected personally really takes a lot of skill, and I’m hoping, that someday, I’ll be able to attain that.

It gets even tougher juggling both placement & CSC ……. some days I get so tired I just want to shut away from the world & recover from the fatigue. I’m doubting my abilities to handle both aspects at once, and with every single day, the doubt grows even more.

Disappointed. At certain happenings, and also my reactions/ways of handling certain things hmm. I need to grow, both professionally and personally.

Confused. About something that I need to figure out pretty soon, else it be unfair to others/myself.

Drained. Because maybe, I just don’t have the capacity nor the capabilities that I tried deluding myself into thinking I had.

The past 2.5 weeks hasn’t been easy, the remaining 7.5 weeks will be worse, I don’t know anymore.

x

Les Cauchemars

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No matter how interminable something feels, there is always, always an ending. Sometimes that’s good, and sometimes it’s bad; sometimes it’s a matter of indifference, and sometimes it’s heartbreaking, and your life is never the same thereafter.
-Ann Aguirre

Temporary freedom // brief liberation; feels sooooo good. Never realised how crazy & hectic the past semester has been, dealing with so many different matters, it’s amazing how I’m still surviving but yay there can be miracles 🙂

Finals have been a full 10 hours worth of essay writing . . . it’s pretty insane, not exactly sure how I’ll fare, but I guess I tried my best (okay maybe for all but the last mod LOL), hope the results wouldn’t be too shocking whoopsies. The conclusion of finals marks the end of my life as a Year 3, and Year 3 has been an insane year, but I’m glad for all the decisions made. Next challenge: Social Work Placement. Really skeptical about my abilities to perform as a Social Work student, and the pre-placement jitters have been growing ugh. Don’t think it can be comforted by words like “you’ll be able to do it” or “you’re worrying too much” – don’t get me wrong, I really appreciate the reassurances, but this time it’s just . . . different? Mixed feelings about first day of placement next Monday, all the best to those embarking on their first placement too 🙂

Before I Wake is such a nice (horror) movie, both for its plot & learning points it has to offer 🙂 *potential spoilers alert please skip this para if you wanna avoid spoilers* It was so coincidental that the movie had so many Social Work themes/references in it, like foster care/child protection services/trauma/support group etc, which made the movie a tad bit more enjoyable for me tbh 🙂 Those references aside, it tells the story of this special gift of a lil’ boy. Something interesting about the movie was the portrayal of nightmares – nightmares may merely be a surface defence mechanism of people that have underlying unresolved problems/issues/matters that they aren’t able to let go of hmm. My heart really broke for the lil’ boy when the full story was revealed – how much pain should a child be allowed to go through at such a tender young age? 😦 Pretty sure the lil’ boy’s predicament is common in the world (sans the gift he has), sigh. Sometimes prevention isn’t an option, and so what if the treatment they get is top-notch or whatever? Bottomline, the damage has already been done, and it’s irreversible.

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All that talk about how “tough times don’t last, but tough people do” really makes a lot of sense, but sometimes when you’re just deep in this abyss of inner conflict, it gets difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But nevertheless, sometimes, it’s these little reassurances along the way that makes all the difference 🙂 At least, I’m able to seek comfort in words of such empathy. And sometimes, maybe it’s the comfort, and not a solution that I’m seeking for.

The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.
-Ernest Hemingway

Re-evaluating certain aspects of my life and it hasn’t been a very pleasant one. Sometimes, circumstances force things to happen/be in place, but upon removal of these circumstances, it’s all too easy for things to fall apart. Which makes me wonder, how many friendships do I have currently are friends of convenience? What’ll happen if the bond that holds us together gets removed from the equation – will we regress back to being strangers again? Strangers with memories, boy isn’t that the saddest thing in the world.

& truth be told, I’m beyond terrified for what’s to come in the near future. Perhaps the inevitable’s coming sooner than expected, and I’m not sure if I’m ready to face it yet.

x