I don’t think people understand how it is for me. That although I could have so much sadness in me, I am still so sincerely happy, I am. It’s not being confused or bipolar. It’s called being human. I think we live acting as if we should feel one thing at a time, or hold onto one emotion for a certain amount of time. But the truth is, life isn’t still like that. There is always so much going on. I am simply honest with my emotions, and that is the most freeing thing I did for myself. To know I can feel sadness when it is there, but never forget to recognise the happiness that I’m blessed with constantly. There’s a sense of beauty in both sadness and happiness. I embrace all of it, knowing I am, in fact, okay. And that I am so beautifully human because of it.
Of decisions, transitions & new beginnings.
A couple of days ago, amidst our usual chats, a friend randomly threw a question to me. It was simple, straight to the point, but I was stunned for a moment.
“Have you been okay?”
It’s fascinating how facades can be seen through so easily by some, yet carelessly overlooked by others. When posed that question, the first thoughts that ran through my mind were – Don’t I seem alright? Were there cues hinting otherwise? Why’d you even ask that?
“Okay, what does okay even mean? What does being okay entail?”
It means being okay both physically and mentally. It doesn’t mean that things have to be smooth sailing – that’s unrealistic. It’s about being able to handle circumstances that arrive & not be beaten down or broken by them. Sure, there’d be instances where you choose the route of avoidance (I’m no less guilty of that). But perhaps avoidance is merely a temporary escapism, to get your mind sorted out.
“I’m lost in life, frustrated at the overwhelmingness of things. And I’m afraid of decisions I’ve been making & have to make.”
But who’s to dictate what’s “right” and what’s not? This is all part & parcel of growing up. Yeah you might make decisions that are unwise, but such is life. If you never ever make mistakes, you’ll not learn, would you? What’s important is that after making informed decisions & yet realising there are better alternatives, what would you do? Are you going to let yourself be stuck deep in the abyss & wallow in self-pity of unhappiness & wrong moves? Then that’s not okay.
“It’s terrifying, this whole process of growing up.”
Whoever said it wouldn’t be anyway? Life’s not all rainbows & butterflies. Appreciate and be thankful for the happy moments. Be humble and learn from the darkest times in your life, because if you’re able to walk out of those times – be it independently or with the help of others – you’ll emerge as someone way stronger than you were previously. And that, to me, is admirable.
And perhaps after all these years, all I crave for is to be able to say that –
I’m okay, I’m okay, I am okay.