Drown

Broken //

I like it when it rains hard. It sounds like white noise everywhere, which is like silence but not empty.

t’was an interesting night out yesterday. Slept at 3am, and woke up at 7.30am in fear of oversleeping haha fml guess the late night thoughts shall transfer to early morning thoughts, as I sit here waiting for time to pass till it’s time to really wake up.

Really, really thankful for colleagues I’ll call as dear friends, who have been so so supportive during difficult times, I’ve grown to learn that I am not exactly the easiest person to be around, both in my hyper and low mood phases.

Yesterday’s conversations, amidst the fun & laughter, momentarily brought me back to hmm… 10 years ago? Before everything in my life started to slowly crumble & spiral downwards. I’ll acknowledge that there have been good things that emerged, but as a whole life just seems pretty screwed up. And new perspectives were introduced … who’s to say that someone is “good” or “nice” or “bad”? Which version(s) of a person are we even acknowledging when these labels get slapped on?

Until I’m able to reconcile with certain incongruences within me, I guess this shall be for the better. I’ll learn to stop worrying the people who care for and love me.

And maybe someday, I’ll start to allow myself to embrace these. Baby steps, baby steps.

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Solitary

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“Tell me about the things you love, and the things you hate. Tell me what keeps you going, and what makes you falter. Tell me about the things that boil your blood, and the ocean you cry when no one is looking. Tell me anything. Tell me nothing. I will listen. Even when you have nothing but silence to offer. I will still listen.”

f.r.i.e.n.d.s

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The human desire for escape is a strong one. In fact, our brains are wired for it. We’re wired to avoid discomfort. To fantasize. To drink wine or do drugs or play video games to make it all go away. For those humans in confinement, mental or physical, the urge to seek freedom from terrible situations is desperately real. On a more mundane level, we all want fun, adventure, and play — that’s escape too.

Gotta applause myself for making it to the weekends – the past week has been the most taxing, draining, depressing and painful week at work. So thankful for the team who have been accommodating & managing my emotions, it hasn’t been easy.

Insecurities about competency as a worker, getting my ethics/values/morals all coming into play while journeying with one of my patients, and constantly asking the bigger question – what kind of worker am I turning to be? Is this really for me? There are certain journeys with patients that make you self-reflect more than others, and this past week opened my eyes/heart/perspective through working with three different patients. This is getting too much to handle.

And farewells on Friday….. 31 Aug ’18 marks the departure of two beloved colleagues/friends from this organisation. ‘ve always been someone who takes a long while to accept losses & changes, things will never be the same. And yet I’m so heartened to know that there have been many cherished memories & moments shared together 🙂 Still feeling the pain, and refusing to gain acceptance. But so happy for them, finally getting a breather from this suffocating work. Think it really takes a lot of courage to say goodbye, must have been a difficult choice to leave, as much as it pains us to witness their departure too.

Thankful to have a team that makes any form of goodbyes so, so difficult :’) May paths continue to cross in the future.

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