All Falls Down

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You must learn to let go. Release the stress. Because you were never in control anyway.

Life at work hasn’t been the easiest yet, sure there are good days and yet when the bad days strike, they strike hard & fast. Learning how to manage my stress, constantly reminding myself that there’s just so much I’m able to do, and that I’m human too – it’s okay to feel like I’m breaking some days. I’m only human, only human, only human.

Secretly glad I got to take the day off, but really apologetic to my team for having to cover for me today …. death by responsibilities lol. This team is amazing though, don’t think I would have been able to survive the past 6 months if it weren’t for them & their constant accompaniment :’) Never would trade them for any other, I feel so so blessed to have them in my life. At least with them around, work doesn’t seem all too bad after all.

So today coincidentally marks my first day after passing probation – it has been a good 6 months since I step foot into this first phase of adulthood. Possibly going to have some changes in work in the near future? Not sure what lies ahead, but I’ll learn to embrace it nevertheless. And what hasn’t changed is how proud I am about my profession still, after all these months 🙂

November slipped by quietly and December tiptoed in, feeling all warm & fuzzy inside because it’s my favourite month of the year for various reasons. It’s the Christmas season *my fave hehe), and most importantly, it marks the end of yet another year well battled. I’m ready for 2017 to end, it hasn’t been the smoothest yet but those thoughts shall be left for a later post to sum up my year.

One more day at work tomorrow before I get to scoot off for a short getaway, so so excited for the much needed break 🙂 Really need the time to think things through, to reflect, relax, and to be calm again. Inner peace, they call it? Been thinking too much again lately…… so much for no regrets hmmmmmm.

“So many versions of just one memory, and yet none of them were right or wrong. Instead, they were all pieces. Only when fitted together, edge to edge, could they even begin to tell the whole story.”

 

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Riptide

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A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal.

Every day at work poses new challenges, and they weren’t kidding when they said that the learning curve will be steep right from the very start. Learning new things through each case, and as cliche as it might sound, I really learn a lot hearing the life stories/worries/troubles/problems from my patients. Learning their resilience, and in some cases, the ugly truth is that I also become aware of what not to do in life. Kinda something I realised even during my volunteering days….. everytime we reflected on our takeaways from a session, we tend to focus on the positive side of things. ‘Strengths perspective’ was the consistent answer I gave my supervisors since my placement days, whenever I was told to share about a theory that I am comfortable & would apply in my daily work.

We view them from a positive POV – don’t get me wrong, I fully support this & that strengths perspective has been a regular theory I subscribe to since my early social work days till now – but what about the flip side of things? We always say we learn their resilience, their responsibility, their will (& the list goes on), but how often do people actually say “I learnt the importance of prioritising because I see xxx having regrets about xxx and now it’s too late to make amendments”? This, in itself, is a strength, no? While I subscribe to strengths perspective, I wonder what it means to each individual, and how different each person’s definition of strengths perspective is, which in turn influences the way they deliver their intervention. Just some food for thought haha. & glad that an organisation I dedicated a significant part of my undergrad life to subscribes to it as well – for & only when applied carefully & properly, I really believe in the powers & impact it can have 🙂

Pushing my boundaries & testing my limits – I wonder when I’d cross that threshold? Really love my supervision sessions because my sup helps me surface & concretise incongruence within myself that I might not even be aware about. And to also continue developing myself further as both a professional and as a person. Moving beyond the theories I’m comfortable with & all ’em active listening skills, I’m nervous yet excited to start learning & integrating a new systemic framework into my daily work.

Like what my sup always says, the two most important things as a social worker are:

‘Intent’ & ‘Curiosity’

May I never lose these two guiding principles.

In other news……….. exactly 80 days till a much needed getaway 🙂 So excited for it, hopefully I’ll be able to clear as much work as I can before that so that I can heal elsewhere with an absolute peace of mind. Counting down everyday, and thanks to the hectic work life, this countdown is actually moving faster than I expected.

Friends who have been in close contact with me would have known about my almost-burn out phase I experienced last month because of weeks of work & OT straight without any breaks even during the weekends. And subsequently, it dawned on me the negative implications it had on me – I was almost dreading going to work everyday. So I made it a point to recalibrate my life and attain that equilibrium again. I’m much more at ease with how my life is now, although I haven’t reached that ideal state, I know I’m heading there. Slowly, but surely 🙂

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Stay

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Couldn’t have found a quote that’s more apt than the above to summarise what I’ve been dealing with for the past few days. Kind of want to gather the courage and do something about it, and yet at the same time, I’m wondering if it’s selfish on my end.

Thought I’d be okay with it again this time, but turns out it just hits back a lot worse than it did before – and I guess this also means something. For it has reached the point where it’s affecting my daily living, my work, and everything else. And I catch my thoughts drifting to it every now and then … how do I draw the line?

Feeling very apologetic to the two friends (y’all know who you are) who constantly & tirelessly entertain my episodes again & again, and even just now when I just couldn’t function at work anymore and had to rant it out before I completely broke down. I know y’all mean well for me, and I really appreciate it really. But sometimes, more often than not, the right thing to do isn’t the easiest of all options.

Should I just remain silent & let things continue to remain status quo, or should I do something and risk causing irreversible damage?

Maybe all I need is that bout of courage. And yet maybe, somewhere deep in my heart, I’m hoping for that bout to never, ever come.

Shall end this post with a song I discovered just moments ago –

And the truth set us free unchain my heart
And I know after an ending comes a start