Storm

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But I’m puzzled – what went wrong exactly?

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Riptide

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A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal.

Every day at work poses new challenges, and they weren’t kidding when they said that the learning curve will be steep right from the very start. Learning new things through each case, and as cliche as it might sound, I really learn a lot hearing the life stories/worries/troubles/problems from my patients. Learning their resilience, and in some cases, the ugly truth is that I also become aware of what not to do in life. Kinda something I realised even during my volunteering days….. everytime we reflected on our takeaways from a session, we tend to focus on the positive side of things. ‘Strengths perspective’ was the consistent answer I gave my supervisors since my placement days, whenever I was told to share about a theory that I am comfortable & would apply in my daily work.

We view them from a positive POV – don’t get me wrong, I fully support this & that strengths perspective has been a regular theory I subscribe to since my early social work days till now – but what about the flip side of things? We always say we learn their resilience, their responsibility, their will (& the list goes on), but how often do people actually say “I learnt the importance of prioritising because I see xxx having regrets about xxx and now it’s too late to make amendments”? This, in itself, is a strength, no? While I subscribe to strengths perspective, I wonder what it means to each individual, and how different each person’s definition of strengths perspective is, which in turn influences the way they deliver their intervention. Just some food for thought haha. & glad that an organisation I dedicated a significant part of my undergrad life to subscribes to it as well – for & only when applied carefully & properly, I really believe in the powers & impact it can have 🙂

Pushing my boundaries & testing my limits – I wonder when I’d cross that threshold? Really love my supervision sessions because my sup helps me surface & concretise incongruence within myself that I might not even be aware about. And to also continue developing myself further as both a professional and as a person. Moving beyond the theories I’m comfortable with & all ’em active listening skills, I’m nervous yet excited to start learning & integrating a new systemic framework into my daily work.

Like what my sup always says, the two most important things as a social worker are:

‘Intent’ & ‘Curiosity’

May I never lose these two guiding principles.

In other news……….. exactly 80 days till a much needed getaway 🙂 So excited for it, hopefully I’ll be able to clear as much work as I can before that so that I can heal elsewhere with an absolute peace of mind. Counting down everyday, and thanks to the hectic work life, this countdown is actually moving faster than I expected.

Friends who have been in close contact with me would have known about my almost-burn out phase I experienced last month because of weeks of work & OT straight without any breaks even during the weekends. And subsequently, it dawned on me the negative implications it had on me – I was almost dreading going to work everyday. So I made it a point to recalibrate my life and attain that equilibrium again. I’m much more at ease with how my life is now, although I haven’t reached that ideal state, I know I’m heading there. Slowly, but surely 🙂

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Stay

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Couldn’t have found a quote that’s more apt than the above to summarise what I’ve been dealing with for the past few days. Kind of want to gather the courage and do something about it, and yet at the same time, I’m wondering if it’s selfish on my end.

Thought I’d be okay with it again this time, but turns out it just hits back a lot worse than it did before – and I guess this also means something. For it has reached the point where it’s affecting my daily living, my work, and everything else. And I catch my thoughts drifting to it every now and then … how do I draw the line?

Feeling very apologetic to the two friends (y’all know who you are) who constantly & tirelessly entertain my episodes again & again, and even just now when I just couldn’t function at work anymore and had to rant it out before I completely broke down. I know y’all mean well for me, and I really appreciate it really. But sometimes, more often than not, the right thing to do isn’t the easiest of all options.

Should I just remain silent & let things continue to remain status quo, or should I do something and risk causing irreversible damage?

Maybe all I need is that bout of courage. And yet maybe, somewhere deep in my heart, I’m hoping for that bout to never, ever come.

Shall end this post with a song I discovered just moments ago –

And the truth set us free unchain my heart
And I know after an ending comes a start

Us

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The problem with people like me is that we care too much. We break our hearts into pieces and give them away, until they are all gone. And we try to live with the broken hearts and broken souls we are left with.

We sacrifice our own happiness to make others smile. But in the process we lose ourselves.  We extinguish the sparks in our eyes and the fire in our bellies in order to fuel the dreams of others. We are the people who laugh at the end of every sentence and place a smiley face at the end of every text, to make sure our friends don’t think we are mad when we say “I need to go.” we are the people with loud thoughts and quiet voices, refusing to speak our minds at the fear of hurting another’s feelings.

We are the people who would give our own life to save a stranger.

Honesty

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Self-confidence, I’m realizing, is a lot deeper than just thinking I’m beautiful and being free in who I am. It also includes being confident in my decisions and trusting myself to be committed to the things I want to do. To step outside of my comfort zone and assure myself that I will be okay in doing so. This kind of self-confidence will help me see the success I want to see.

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Transition from being a student to being a full-time working adult was . . . odd. But it has been an interesting ride thus far, and to say the very least I’m (thankfully) enjoying the process as a whole. Definitely more responsibilities, and the need to be independent is a lot more prominent than ever before.

As much as I’m trying my best to be conscious about certain things, thinking back about the past week, I realised instances where I was unintentionally & unknowingly viewing circumstances of others through my personal lens. I need to be more mindful, and to not let my inexperience get in the way of the assistance/help I can offer as a worker to my patients hmm.

3 weeks into the job and I can safely say that I really, really love what I’m doing even though it might get so fast paced/exhausting/tiring at times. Started to OT already but I blame it on nothing but my lack of efficiency and that I’m still trying to get used to things. Hopefully I’ll get more productive in the coming weeks & shorten the time needed whoopiewhoooop! Feeling incredibly blessed to have such supportive & nice colleagues too 🙂 I think the work environment is so important/crucial in ensuring survival in this industry as a whole haha.

Engaged in random splurges of clothes, makeup, books in the past week…….. shame on you when you lack that discipline but still preach to your patients about the importance of self-control lol. Must be the stress haha, but taking this long weekend as a form of respite before the craziness hits again when Tuesday comes.

Being a social worker is really a life-long learning process, and I’m so thankful for all the support as I trudge through this journey, both with fellow social workers & the clients/patients I work with 🙂 Feeling so blessed!

Slowly, but surely :’) These 6 months wouldn’t be easy, but I know it’ll be more than worth it.