Aeipathy

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I want to talk about what happened without mentioning how much it hurt. There has to be a way. To care for the wounds without reopening them. To name the pain without inviting it back into me.

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She didn’t want to say but she was falling apart,
she wanted someone to hold her but she was too stubborn to ask.
She will not beg to be loved, she preferred to walk away, to be alone instead.
She mastered the art of faking a smile, a smile that never reached up to her eyes.
Look in them and you will know how they flood every night,
how sorrow and her are lovers that can’t stay apart.
She could take all the pain that came her way, will not say a single word,
but couldn’t stand to see the look of pity for her in someone’s eye.
She pretended like she didn’t care but she had one of the purest heart,
a heart that deserved nothing but love.
She cared about the people she loved,  because she knew how
it felt like to be unwanted.
But no one cared about her, nobody knew how she smiled during the day
and cried herself to sleep every night.
She was surrounded by so many yet she felt lonely…
What’s worse than feeling alone in a room full of people.

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Sensitive people are the most genuine and honest people you will ever meet. There is nothing they won’t tell you about themselves if they trust your kindness. However, the moment you betray them, reject them or devalue them, they become the worse type of person. Unfortunately, they end up hurting themselves in the long run. They don’t want to hurt other people. It is against their very nature. They want to make amends and undo the wrong they did. Their life is a wave of highs and lows. They live with guilt and constant pain over unresolved situations and misunderstandings. They are tortured souls that are not able to live with hatred or being hated. This type of person needs the most love anyone can give them because their soul has been constantly bruised by others. However, despite the tragedy of what they have to go through in life, they remain the most compassionate people worth knowing, and the ones that often become activists for the broken hearted, forgotten and the misunderstood. They are angels with broken wings that only fly when loved.

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I’ve got a bad case of the 3:00 am guilts – you know, when you lie in bed awake and replay all those things you didn’t do right? Because, as we all know, nothing solves insomnia like a nice warm glass of regret, depression and self-loathing.

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Happy?

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It will take time, but flowers will eventually bloom in the places you believed would remain bare. Your soul will find peace again.

Can’t wait for the upcoming long weekend, hopefully I’ll spend some time penning my thoughts down.

Till then x

Attempts

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One day you’ll find someone that chooses you and continues to choose you everyday. And that’s when you’ll be thankful everything happened the way that it did.

Had to return back to work yesterday, and the day started with high levels of anxiety again. The session wasn’t all too bad, but it was so stressful & thinking about the subsequent follow up actions required triggers my anxiety all over again. Thankful for such a supportive supervisor who called immediately after it ended, and for supportive friends who have been there throughout this journey with me.

Posted a question via instastory yesterday: “When was the last time you truly felt happy?” Among others, one that struck me was “A long time ago” because hey, our answers seem to be the same. While posting the question, I acknowledged there has been happiness periodically throughout, but when was I truly happy? What does it even entail, being truly happy?

& yet, I think I found my answer last evening/night. Last night was a night of healing, and it was therapeutic. I’m so so blessed to have met two souls so beautifully complex and fragile, and yet so strong at the same time. Opened up about things I don’t normally talk about, and it felt liberating getting things off my chest. All those years of struggling alone, who would have known of the pain & torture? I never wanted the night to end, there was calmness in staring at the river while sitting on the steps along Clarke Quay late at night, and on hindsight, I could say, I was truly happy last night.

Not sure if I’m ready to face another week ahead, but hello again anxiety, my old friend. Perhaps it’s time to leave, or maybe not?

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To the people who see beyond masks, we are all beautifully broken in our own ways.

What we know of other people is only our memory of the moments during which we knew them. And they have changed since then.

And with this quote, I shall end this post with the hope for a long-awaited clarity/closure this coming week.

Strength

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Self care isn’t just drinking water and going to sleep early. Self care is taking a break when things become overwhelming, saying no to things you do not want to do, allowing yourself to cry, asking for help from those around you, doing things that make you happy.

Today was overwhelming.

Started the day with a 3-hour long family conference, and largely spent on mediating family conflict. Halfway through the session I suddenly had a random thought – I wonder what goes through their minds, having an external party (aka me) come in to mediate things and bridge communication, between parties in the family that have not been talking amicably for years. Hmm.

Moved on to review a new patient, who seems so trapped in the cycle of family violence and she does not see an exit point any longer. Resigned to fate, maybe? Out of love for her son, perhaps? But it’s just so, so sad.

Had another family conference in the afternoon, for another tedious care case. Glad that it is done & dusted, now for the subsequent follow ups required.

Highlight of my day would probably be chilling with my favourite constants in the dept. Every working day I genuinely feel blessed to have such strong support from my friends at work, which makes the fatigue a lot more bearable. Talking about hard truths….. I appreciate the honesty & I don’t fault anyone for anything. Yes it hurt and it’s painful, and yet it’s something that holds some truth and I got to acknowledge that as well. I’m no longer the same as I have been, and I’ve grown to learn what matters. Tears come and go, and while I may have been affected there and then, I believe I’m strong enough to overcome them.

Excited for what’s ahead in the coming months of 2019 🙂 May I have the courage to make changes & decisions in my life ahead.