Oasis

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Always defend your right to heal at your own pace. You are taking your time. You are allowed to take your time.

Felt like I’ve been standing at crossroads for the past week, but glad that through conversations I’m able to regain that clarity again. To cast all the doubts, to address all the concerns, and to stop pursuing answers to the question of “why?” — these answers do nothing but bring only some sort of comfort for myself, but this comfort should not be sought after mindlessly nor as a priority, for what good does it bring to me apart from self-gratification?

Everything happens for a reason.

And I’m learning to accept how things are playing out. I’ll get there someday, the better person I aspire to be. To be certain of my choices, to be aware of my worldview. Slowly, but surely. With deviations & yet guidances along the way, I’ll get there.

Chained

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Overthinking is the biggest misery because of our unhappiness, so keep yourself occupied. Keep your mind off things that don’t help you. Think positive. Focus on the good, only the good. And remember to take risks because if you win you will be happy and if you lose you will be wise.

Spent the weeks since end of placement catching up with friends, both the current & the old. Glad to have reconnected with some that I temporarily drifted from, never would trade these friendships for anything else in the world. Afraid of what moving into the next phase of life would mean.

Excited for what the future entails, wondering if it was a right choice. Adulting anxiety perhaps? What if I’m not good enough for it, what if I’m not cut out for it? “If you can’t do good, then at the very least, do no harm” // “but how can I expect my patients to trust me, if I don’t even trust myself?” Kind of don’t really dare to talk to people about all these anxieties in fear that they get downplayed or brushed off, and also the fact that I’m lucky enough to secure employment. Maybe I’m just really thinking too much. Who’d understand? But with all that said, I’m still hopeful for a career filled with meaning, insights & challenges.

Old wounds reopened, knew the period of calmness was a facade. Learning to deal with things more maturely, may I emerge from this experience as someone both happier and wiser than before. Had the worst sleep ever & practically semi-conscious the entire night my mind needs to stop with all these unhealthy unhelpful thoughts…? Maybe I just need more time.

Conflicted & burdened. May there be clarity soon, amidst all these uncertainties. Life works in funny & unpredictable ways sometimes, doesn’t it?

Learning to count my blessings.

Chapters

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It was not the feeling of completeness I so needed, but the feeling of not being empty. 

Things seem to be going a little too smooth sailing for me these days …….. I’m not used to it. And I can’t help but have this nagging worry, what if this is merely the calm before the storm?

But, I’m still thankful, grateful, and contented. What does the future hold?

I guess I’ll find out soon.

Conversations

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I don’t think people understand how it is for me. That although I could have so much sadness in me, I am still so sincerely happy, I am. It’s not being confused or bipolar. It’s called being human. I think we live acting as if we should feel one thing at a time, or hold onto one emotion for a certain amount of time. But the truth is, life isn’t still like that. There is always so much going on. I am simply honest with my emotions, and that is the most freeing thing I did for myself. To know I can feel sadness when it is there, but never forget to recognise the happiness that I’m blessed with constantly. There’s a sense of beauty in both sadness and happiness. I embrace all of it, knowing I am, in fact, okay. And that I am so beautifully human because of it.

Of decisions, transitions & new beginnings. 

A couple of days ago, amidst our usual chats, a friend randomly threw a question to me. It was simple, straight to the point, but I was stunned for a moment.

“Have you been okay?”

It’s fascinating how facades can be seen through so easily by some, yet carelessly overlooked by others. When posed that question, the first thoughts that ran through my mind were – Don’t I seem alright? Were there cues hinting otherwise? Why’d you even ask that?

“Okay, what does okay even mean? What does being okay entail?”

It means being okay both physically and mentally. It doesn’t mean that things have to be smooth sailing – that’s unrealistic. It’s about being able to handle circumstances that arrive & not be beaten down or broken by them. Sure, there’d be instances where you choose the route of avoidance (I’m no less guilty of that). But perhaps avoidance is merely a temporary escapism, to get your mind sorted out.

“I’m lost in life, frustrated at the overwhelmingness of things. And I’m afraid of decisions I’ve been making & have to make.”

But who’s to dictate what’s “right” and what’s not? This is all part & parcel of growing up. Yeah you might make decisions that are unwise, but such is life. If you never ever make mistakes, you’ll not learn, would you? What’s important is that after making informed decisions & yet realising there are better alternatives, what would you do? Are you going to let yourself be stuck deep in the abyss & wallow in self-pity of unhappiness & wrong moves? Then that’s not okay.

“It’s terrifying, this whole process of growing up.”

Whoever said it wouldn’t be anyway? Life’s not all rainbows & butterflies. Appreciate and be thankful for the happy moments. Be humble and learn from the darkest times in your life, because if you’re able to walk out of those times – be it independently or with the help of others – you’ll emerge as someone way stronger than you were previously. And that, to me, is admirable.

And perhaps after all these years, all I crave for is to be able to say that –

I’m okay, I’m okay, I am okay.