Adiós, 2016

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2016, you’ve gifted me a year full of cherished memories, many ups & downs, and many challenges. Although you haven’t been the best yet, you’ve helped shape me to be who I am today. And for that, I’m more than thankful for the experiences you’ve given me in these 365 days.

As the clock strikes midnight later, may all the unhappiness of 2016 stay in the past, and that happiness will pursue from then on.

2017, I’m having high hopes that you’ll be a good one. It’ll be a better year ahead, please do not disappoint x

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Broken

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Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.

Pourquoi

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Some days you just have to create your own sunshine.

This morning, I spent an hour or so just reading through social work related articles, watching social work related videos, and just reflecting about social work/being a worker in general.

I felt happy, witnessing the efforts of this profession that I’m definitely proud to be a part of in the near future. The dedication, the sincerity that comes across as genuine concern and compassion for people.

But somehow, my heart felt heavy. And … burdened? Videos that reflected the realities of being a worker, of the things that we’ll encounter, it was all too real. Some issues depicted in the videos hit home way too hard.

And no amount of preparation could ever be enough for facing what’s to come. But I’ll try. For what it’s worth, I’ll try my hardest. I’m just hoping that my hardest will be enough.

On a lighter note, one last paper tomorrow after a long preparation time for finals whoop whoop so excited for it to end – although I haven’t exactly been the most studious haha, I really enjoy learning but I’m not one for studying.

Last day of November, and hello to December. My favourite month of the year, & I was just thinking about reasons for that randomly and came to the conclusion that December brings about a strong sense of nostalgia, and it’s a feeling that I really, really like.

This post has been nothing short of incoherence, till the next time when my thoughts are more organised haha x

Paracosm

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Yes, terrible things happen.
But sometimes these terrible things are the ones that save you.

Currently in the midst of my final finals in NUS whoop whoop. Figured, and proved once again that I’m not one for memorisation nor preparing for examinations; I prefer studying without the stress or expectations tagged along with it hmm. But nevertheless, 25% done with finals, left with 3 papers and I’m out of NUS (finally).

Going to start my second social work placement a week earlier than expected, so so excited for what’s to come, may it be a fulfilling & meaningful placement ahead. And hopefully, by the end of my second (& final) placement as a Social Work undergraduate, I’ll be clearer of what I want in the future.

‘ve also been listening & revisiting a lot of songs from the past, and today happens to be a day of Damien Rice songs 🙂 So, so soothing. I’m falling in love with his voice & songs all over again heh. Vocals like these bring about a sense of euphoria that is just, so, amazing.

Amidst all the stress & (attempts of) studying, I’ve had many random & spontaneous conversations along the way. And I’ve been reading a lot more non-acad stuff (literally zero self discipline ohboy), but it felt nice. I enjoy them, all of these little things. However, these days I’ve caught my mind drifting to unhappy thoughts/regrets of the past that I clearly haven’t gotten over yet …….. kind of have a plan of what to do but, we shall see how it goes.

Aaaaaaand, I was stalking myself (ha ha) & rereading all my past posts of endlessparadigm, I didn’t realise how … void they were of happy emotions. “I’m tired” probably appeared in my posts >50% of the time in the past two years (esp the past year), and I was just thinking about the commitments & how much they stressed me out, it still scares me thinking back wondering how I managed to get through those days??? When I think back of those days, I can still feel the stress & depressive feelings emerging from within … this is scary. Really, really scary. And I think I’ve been hurt so much & stressed so badly till it has left a permanent emotional scar on me. & I’m still learning to heal. But I still don’t regret ’em all haha. It was worth it, and it still is.

One day, you and I will pass each other on the street without a single thought. You will blend into the mass of humans, and I will disappear into the crowds. We might lock eyes once in awhile, but this time, that eye contact will mean nothing.

Trust

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There are things in this world that cannot be apologised for.

Self help is no longer my cup of tea. Too many stars have been broken along the way. It’s like breathing in an ink-filled ocean sea. Wherever you turn, there’s no way to escape.

Maybe loving ourselves is hard because we find it so difficult to forgive ourselves sometimes.

November

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Someday you will be faced with the reality of loss.

And as life goes on, days rolling into nights, it will become clear that you never really stop missing someone special who’s gone, you just learn to live around the gaping hole of their absence. When you lose someone you can’t imagine living without, your heart breaks wide open, and the bad news is you never completely get over the loss. You will never forget them. However, in a backward way, this is also the good news. They will live on in the warmth of your broken heart that doesn’t fully heal back up, and you will continue to grow and experience life, even with your wound. It’s like breaking an ankle that never heals perfectly, and that still hurts when you dance, but you dance anyway with a slight limp, and this limp just adds to the depth of your performance and the authenticity of your character.

The people you lose remain a part of you. Remember them and always cherish the good moments spent with them.

Énouement

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“Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
The Cheshire Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.
Alice: I don’t much care where.
The Cheshire Cat: Then it doesn’t much matter which way you go.
Alice: … So long as I get somewhere.
The Cheshire Cat: Oh, you’re sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.”

Letting this be a permanent reminder to self that getting lost in transition will only be temporary.

Recent conversations surrounding worldviews & perspectives have set me thinking a fair bit hmm. I would like to think that I’m very much aware of my worldview as a whole, my values & my beliefs. But how certain am I, or is this just a facade – are my views shaped through social constructs? Disregarding all other factors, what do I believe in?

Utterly lost in my sea of thoughts, unclear of what I’m expecting, undecided on how my future should look like. Decisions to be made soon, and I’m nowhere near to being able to even convince myself about what I want exactly.

The past can’t undo itself, nor will the value of those memories change because of the state of things now. I cherished the moments back then, and I still cherish the memories even now. Which kinda makes things more upsetting, because circumstances dictates that the past shall remain in the past.

May there be clarity soon.