Adia

Avril’s version (2007) of Adia by Sarah McLachlan (1997) // my latest addiction

Adia I do believe I failed you
Adia I know I let you down
don’t you know I tried so hard
to love you in my way
it’s easy let it go…

Adia I’m empty since you left me
trying to find a way to carry on
I search myself and everyone
to see where we went wrong

’cause there’s no one left to finger
there’s no one here to blame
there’s no one left to talk to honey
and there ain’t no one to buy our innocence
’cause we are born innocent
believe me Adia, we are still innocent
it’s easy, we all falter
does it matter?

Adia I thought we could make it
but I know I can’t change the way you feel
I leave you with your misery
a friend who won’t betray
I pull you from your tower
I take away your pain
and show you all the beauty you possess
if you’d only let yourself believe that
we are born innocent
believe me Adia, we are still innocent
it’s easy, we all falter, does it matter?
believe me Adia, we are still innocent
’cause we are born innocent
Adia we are still
it’s easy, we all falter … but does it matter?

Atelophobia

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In life, you can’t aim to please everyone. No matter what you do, there will always be disagreements. Just like how there’s always two sides to the coin, every matter can, and will, be perceived in different perspectives. Who’s allowed to discern the right from wrong, to have the ultimate say in things? Sometimes, stepping back & analyzing the entire situation, while putting away all prior prejudice or unhappiness, may be the only way to work things out. Whatever it is, it all boils down to sincerity & priorities I guess.

The non-existent recess week started & ended well, though the in-between is far from ideal. Had our very first cannies outing on Monday @ Marina Barrage! It went relatively well, and honestly this bunch of people are really nice to hang out with. Hopeefully I’ll be able to lose the awkwardness around me & properly bond with them. At least for one, I know that there’s something to look forward to after finals! 🙂

Headed to The Punggol Settlement for the first time yesterday, it was mindblowing/breathtaking & so damn therapeutic. The serenity in the environment, and non-crowded pathways, with the strong wind really made the entire atmosphere so calm & peaceful. Which is the exact opposite of how things are currently in life (sadly). Definitely heading back there whenever I have time, and gained a new interest in discovering such hidden gems in Singapore after finals as well! 🙂

I’ve spent the past week questioning my commitments & wondering if I’m just incapable to handle so many things. I’ve confided in my usual few regulars & thanks guys for listening + giving all the advice :’) It’s really heartening to have friends willing to stay up just to chat. In that aspect, I know I’m blessed :’) The overwhelming feeling of pending items to do really stressed me out, and when my laptop crashed a few days back, it really served as the trigger point of all my unhappiness. Literally spent my time moping around doing nothing, and I felt so handicapped without my laptop. Glad to have it back as I’m happily typing away on it, but R.I.P. to my iTunes (for the second time), where ALL my songs are gone and I have to go through the painful process of redownloading all my songs again *cries* That will have to wait after finals if I’m able to free some time up hmm.

With all that aside, I heeded the advice of listing down every single thing I need to do (even the smallest or simplest tasks). And it really worked! A couple of days ago, I started with having 36 items on my to-do list, and currently I’m down to 29. It really made me feel better & weirdly motivating to be more productive 🙂 Despite the huge amount of backlogs I’ve accumulated in the past few weeks of academics, this little amount of productivity is evidence of progressing forward.

So in response to whether I’m having any second thoughts to all my commitments:

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🙂 Take things in stride, everything will work out eventually. After all, everything happens for a reason.

Slept later than normal these days, I should really be trying to regulate my sleep cycle hmm. Can’t wait for this week to be over, and definitely going to embrace next week because it’s e-learning, even though it’s packed with meetings/schedules/things to do already whooops. Can’t wait for Saturday to be here already, hanging out sessions are always precious because physical meet-ups beat whatsapp/text any day.

Song to recommend: Serial Killer – Lana Del Rey. Simply got to love all of Lana’s songs, and this is my latest addiction haha. A pity that it’s an unreleased song though, wish it would be included in her album someday ): And I’m always open for song recommendations (especially English songs), so please share if you have any!

Random but a few days back when I was blasting Innocence by Avril Lavigne, my sis commented about how she’s sick of this song because I’ve been playing it since it got released in 2007 HAHA. Which made me realise that it’s pretty fascinating how it has remained as my all-time favourite song after 8 years (& counting) :’) Love how beautiful the lyrics are, love how soothing Avril’s voice is, love how pleasing the melody is. Glad to have Avril’s songs as an accompaniment of my growing up process, so thrilled for her 6th studio album please release it soon! I will always be a loyal Black Star ★

Here’s a rose for everyone out there having a hard time. Always remember, tough times don’t last, tough people do. Press on, all the best for midterms (if any). Oh and A level results are released in approximately an hour, so nervous/excited for my juniors! And I miss hwach days.

Till the next time x

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The Great Escape

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Sometimes the best thing you can do is take a step back and give yourself a chance to breathe.

Feeling guilty for neglecting endlessparadigm but school has been really tiring/busy, hence the lack of updates. Taking the time now to review on the first few weeks since 2015 has started! Finally managing to catch a breather despite the growing pile of backlog that I’ve accumulated in the mere 4 weeks of school.

Officially began Y2S2 as a Psychology major, and ‘am reading quite a few interesting modules this semester (though they drive me crazy at times). Hoping for the semester to be a fulfilling one in terms of academics! Timetable is relatively okay, at least I’m satisfied with it apart from Tuesdays on even weeks which are simply h e l l. But I’ll get through it, the pains & sacrifices for better days in the week is ultimately worth it.

Sis turned 21 a few days ago on 1 Feb, happy (belated) 21st sis! ♥♥♥ It has been a good 21 years (and counting) being sisters, and somehow we still continue to amaze people around us about how we are born in the same year yet aren’t twins haha. Thankful for the sis to be there through different phases of my life, be it my lowest or highest moments. Definitely looking forward to more sister-times & late night chats & (currently) spazzing over the Song triplets together these days :’)

Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest steps of your life. Tip toe if you must – but take the step.

Earlier in January I made the decision to apply for Proj C.A.N. XII OC, in hopes of enriching my volunteering journey in NUS CSC by extending it beyond RVPs – and officially venturing into SPs as well. Thankful for the chance to be the sectreas, and ‘am pretty excited to meet the OC during our first meeting, hoping that socially awkward me will be able to survive it though haha. At least I’ll be camping behind my laptop furiously typing minutes so it’ll help alleviate some awkwardness in me (hopefully)!

During my interview, I got asked the primary question that all volunteers will probably come across at least once in their lives:

What does volunteerism mean to you?

Honestly felt that my answer during the interview wasn’t able to perfectly encapsulate the thoughts that I have pertaining to this question because of how nervous I was haha. Volunteerism is something that should come from your heart, and not for the sake of superficiality – for it will not only be detrimental to yourself, but your beneficiaries as well. Volunteerism is seen when you contribute your time & effort in various ways, even if it’s just spending time with your beneficiaries, without expecting any personal returns or gains, apart from satisfaction and happiness within. Volunteerism means to befriend your beneficiaries, getting to know them for who they really are, being able to see past the possible disadvantages they may have in their lives. Nobody is perfect, we might just  be slightly more privileged than others out in society, hence affording to render our services to alleviate their lives, be it in terms of physical items or simply inculcating values etc. Volunteerism shouldn’t be seen as something that’s noble or whatsoever, it shouldn’t be something that you choose to do just because you have some time to spare. Volunteerism should be nothing but sincerity, it should be something innate, where you don’t feel compelled or pressurized to do whatever you do. Because volunteering means as much to me as the importance of people understanding the spirit of volunteerism. So this, is what volunteerism means to me :’)

Visited Lola’s Cafe yesterday for the first time with A & Y! Haven’t had much time to indulge in cafe hopping, so I was really glad for the much needed midweek break that really served its purpose to recharge me (: Explored Sengkang area, and despite it being my playground when I was waaaay younger, I had little recollection of the area. As usual, spazzed like crazy girls at the void deck after collecting our Infinite H Fly Again albums with my fellow Inspirit hee. Can’t believe that it has been a good 2 years since I first did the whole “spazz at void deck while opening our albums/posters” things for Infinite H’s debut album :’) Congratulations to Infinite H for securing their first win as a subunit, may there be many more of such happy moments to come in the near future!

Thank you for all the belated presents for my 20th back in December last year, thoughtful well wishes/messages really mean a lot to me! And I realised that I’ve received 5 soft toy related presents … I guess that says something about how I should really try to grow up but whoooops I love them all haha they bring me comfort :’) Defo need to blog about this original quote from one of my best friends (you know who you are) in my birthday letter, just because you know how much of a sucker I am for quotes! So for remembrance’s sake:

Friends are like the weather, be it rain or shine, they would always be there for you.

I guess it’s time to head back to studying while waiting for my next lesson … can’t wait for lessons to end today, because it will yet again signify the end of the academic week! Thank goodness for free day Fridays, it makes my weekend seem so long (especially since my lecture on Monday starts at 6pm only) HAHA. Time to pick up the pace, determined to make things the best yet.

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In life we do things. Some we wish we had never done. Some we wish we could replay a million times in our heads. But they all make us who we are. And in the end they shape every detail about us. If we were to reverse any of them we wouldn’t be the person we are. So just live, make mistakes, have wonderful memories. But never ever second guess who you are, where you have been, and most importantly where it is you’re going.

Till the next time, I’ll try to be more diligent in updating hee till then x

P.S. So excited for Avril Lavigne to release her Give You What You Like MV on 21 Feb, as well as dropping her new single Fly!!

Little Black Star

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27 September marks a very special day for all Little Black Stars. Exactly 30 years ago, our inspiration was born on this very day 🙂

#Happy30thBirthdayAvril 

There’s just something about the lyrics/melody of songs of Avril’s that resonates within me, I literally LOVE every.single.song. There are many people who claim that the standard of her songs are deteriorating or whatsoever but I strongly beg to differ – just look at the songs from her latest self-composed self-titled album Avril Lavigne, it’s perfection as usual :’)

Life is like a rolling coaster. Live it. Be happy. Enjoy life.
– Avril Lavigne

And so … she has released 5 studio albums thus far, & I’ve dedicated the entire day to listen to her songs, to commemorate this special day! (On a sidenote, I’m SO jealous of all ’em fans who get to join Avril’s birthday party @ Vegas today omg 😦 )

Let Go (2002)
Under My Skin (2004)
The Best Damn Thing (2007)
Goodbye Lullaby (2011)
Avril Lavigne (2014)

I sincerely can’t wait for her to release her sixth, seventh, eighth & counting studio albums hee. It will probably be years before her next album is out, but definitely worth the wait. I’ve waited for 3 years for Avril Lavigne to be released, I’m willing to wait another 3 years for the next album :’) & so thankful that as a Little Black Star, I finally got the chance to enjoy her concert & see her in real life on 15 Feb 2014 this year, for The Avril Lavigne Tour. I was so, so overwhelmed with feels, literally.

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Why should I care what other people think of me? I am who I am. And who I wanna be.
– Avril Lavigne

Avril Lavigne will ALWAYS be my inspiration, and her songs are the ones I can fall back on whenever I’m sad/happy/lonely/blissful or whatever. & they strive as my motivation to carry on & keep holding on, no matter how tough things might get in life. There’s just so many things that I want to say but words will NEVER be able to encapsulate my admiration for Avril, from how she’s so persistent in her own personality & doesn’t conform to society, to the fact that she’d rather spend time trying to conceive tears to make her Wish You Were Here MV seem more real/touching (& hell did it evoke ’em strong emotions within me).

Saw a Little Black Star caption this on instagram, it’s so true indeed:

30 years ago my hero, my inspiration, my saviour was born ❤ Your music was there for me when I need someone there. When I would have a bad day, your music would save me from slipping away from my mind. When I was happy your upbeat music would make me smile even more. When I needed someone to understand you let me know that everybody hurts someday and it’s okay. When I was weak you told me to keep holding on. Words can’t honestly tell you how much you’ve gotten me through. Without your beautiful, unique and special voice I don’t know how I would survive. We’re all proud of you.

That’s why we save your photos
We save your videos
We save your music
Because you saved our lives.

(cr: avrillavigne_1984 on insta)

And I really wanna share my all-time favorite, Innocence, from The Best Damn Thing album in 2011 🙂 The lyrics of Innocence will always be my favorite, I guess it’s an ideal that I aim to attain in life someday. & have I mentioned how therapeutic it is to play Innocence on the piano? (‘:

P.S. There isn’t an actual MV for this song (sadly), but this version has been really, really famous & garnering a lot of views; it’s a compilation/snippets from her various MVs, worth the watch!

Happy 30th Birthday once again to my eternal inspiration, Avril Ramona Lavigne ❤ x

Ending off with the full lyrics of Innocence.

Waking up I see that everything is okay
The first time in my life and now it’s so great
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed
I think about the little things that make life great

I wouldn’t change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliant
I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect
Please don’t go away
I need you now
And I’ll hold on to it
Don’t you let it pass you by

I found a place so safe, not a single tear
The first time in my life and now it’s so clear
Feel calm, I belong, I’m so happy here
It’s so strong and now I let myself be sincere

I wouldn’t change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliant
I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect
Please don’t go away
I need you now
And I’ll hold on to it
Don’t you let it pass you by

It’s a state of bliss, you think you’re dreaming
It’s the happiness inside that you’re feeling
It’s so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
It’s a state of bliss, you think you’re dreaming
It’s the happiness inside that you’re feeling
It’s so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

It’s so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
This innocence is brilliant
Makes you wanna cry
This innocence is brilliance
Please don’t go away
Cause I need you now
And I’ll hold on to it
Don’t you let it pass you by

Runaway

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Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets.

So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don’t,

and believe that everything happens for a reason.

If you get a chance, take it.

If it changes your life, let it. 

Nobody said that it’d be easy, 

They just promised it’d be worth it.

Spent my time just now listening to all of Avril’s songs – both from old & present. Seriously can’t wait for her 6th album to be released (hopefully next year), because her songs are so therapeutic & just mean so much to me. No matter what other singers/artistes there are out there, Avril Lavigne’s position in my heart is irreplaceable :”) Proud to be a Little Black Star since primary school, wouldn’t trade spending my childhood listening to her songs for any other.

It’s quite a coincidence how the topic of trust pops out randomly again these days … so interesting listening to the different perspectives/advice from people I confide in. Don’t know why I did that in the first place but I’m glad I did. Everyone needs a little breather some time, so I’m genuinely thankful for the chances/platforms where I got to rant. But it doesn’t change the fact that it makes me feel guilty/burdenful towards those I talk to. 

Headed down to IMH yesterday morning for their volunteer orientation programme, it was so insightful & reaffirms my passions for the field of psychology & volunteering. As cliche as it sounds, it’s really about helping the people you can help to the best of your abilities, & making a difference. I’m positive with each volunteering experience comes great insights, hopefully being able to shape myself into becoming a better person! May it be a wonderful & meaningful journey of volunteering ahead.

Went back to hwach with the clique for MAF yesterday :’) Really miss hanging out daily at the CT bench, walking around or just chilling at random places & doing stupid stuff during break times. I miss randomly doodling on A’s paper etc (haha best tablemate ever really), or playing navigation with hierarchy tier mate. JC may or may not have been the best time of my life, but it definitely became better with the presence of my awesome clique. Without them, I think I wouldn’t be where I am today, really.

I kind of miss the tradition of celebrating MAF actually … I remember how we used to head to playgrounds with lanterns (either the electronic ones or the candle-lit ones), with a box of candles & just lighting them up to form shapes on the ground. If growing up means losing all these precious moments & little joys in life, then I’d rather time rewind & not move forward ahead.

I’m thankful for certain friendships in my life. Old or new, they all mean a lot to me, more than words can ever express, so thank you for the constants in my life. I guess the number of years attached to a friendship just reaffirms it, but even if it’s new friendships made recently, who says it can’t last for a lifetime? :’)

So much to do yet so little time, feeling so stressed out I’m not even kidding … but I’ll have faith. This is the last day of August, so till the next time we meet again in September x

Ride

But the truth is we never really grow up.

We just masquerade as adults,

because that’s what we’re expected to do.

Really short update because I don’t want to neglect this space just because of the upcoming exams (though I’ll acknowledge the importance of finals). The past few days have been … mugging & mugging, and more mugging. Not that I’m complaining, I’m actually really enjoying what I study now. It’s just the concept of “exams” and “grades” that really irks me, as though we’re forced to study just because we need/want to get good grades. Who says I can’t be reading up about these psych stuff because I’m genuinely interested, exams or not? But then again, society makes everything boil down to performing well in such tests … and hence it’s back to hardcore mugging ultimately for the sake of good grades. Well at least I’m enjoying, I really am. I see true meaning in the things that I’m studying (well maybe one or two mods are an exception), but otherwise all else is good 🙂

‘been listening to 4 songs on replay while mugging (courtesy of sis who let me download the songs into her phone ‘cos my iTunes has … certain issues which forbid me from adding songs currently ugh). These songs are more of the slow/ballad kinds, not upbeat, perfect for mugging 🙂 Not sure if I actually work well with listening to music while mugging but at least it keeps me more focused somehow, while the music I listen to drift into the background. It’s there, but I’m not paying attention to it as much, but at least it’s there. Go figure what the effects are haha, ‘cos honestly I’m not really sure too. Anyway the 4 songs are:

Ride – Lana Del Rey

West Coast – Lana Del Rey

Gods & Monsters – Lana Del Rey

House on a Hill – The Pretty Reckless

So evidently I’m a fan of LDR. West Coast is the first single released from her upcoming album Ultraviolence, the other two are from the Paradise Edition of Born to Die album released some time last year. There’s just something about the songs of LDR and her voice that matches so well & makes you fall deep into, nothing else really matters when you’re listening to her songs, it’s almost finding the peace within. The last song of the list House on a Hill, it was a looong process of how I got to know of this song. First I saw on twitter that Taylor Momsen (acted as Jenny Humphrey in Gossip Girl series) was quitting acting for good to focus on her music career – which shocked me because I didn’t actually know she was the lead vocals of a band (aka The Pretty Reckless). So I decided to give their album a try, and out of all the songs in their second studio album (released earlier this year), this ballad caught my attention almost immediately 🙂 And gosh I miss watching Gossip Girl, shall rewatch all 6 seasons after finals. And also to finish watching Pretty Little Liars season 4, can’t wait for Season 5 to be out omg *o*

Oh and Avril Lavigne is releasing her Hello Kitty music video in 2 days’ time, so damn excited for it like all the little black stars in my twitter timeline 🙂 And of course patiently waiting for Give You What You Like music video to drop as well. Awesome songs from her latest self-titled album, definitely worth a listen so please do when you can hee.

Alright it’s probably time to get off endlessparadigm, going to prepare some stuff for Char before I’ll commence mugging for the day. It’s tiring but it’ll be worth it – at least that’s what I always tell myself at times like these, don’t know if I’m delusional or psychoing myself into studying haha whoops.

8 more days till the first paper of finals, may these final 8 days of pre-finals mugging be nothing but productive. All the best to everyone who’s handling exams currently, it’ll be over all too soon before you know it, so persevere & it’ll be alright.

So till the next time x

Remember when

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Hopefully this is really true, that good things are going to happen (& hopefully soon!) Kind of feel like my life is lacking some excitement/ meaning these days … it’s back to the mundane studying-sleeping lifestyle again hmm. Uni life is really taking a toll on my sanity these days, I’m so sorry to all my friends who have been receiving crazy snapchats from me/ nonsensical whatsapp messages & what-nots HAHA. But it’s really amusing/funny to see friends go crazy with me, especially when it’s always a snapchat party with all the crazy ones like “spying on ____”, there were at least 30 snaps exchanged just purely on the random stuff we spy on. Always welcome more snapchat buddies because seriously, I head there everytime I’m bored (that’s pretty often imo) hee.

‘ve been wanting to blog about last fri but evidently never gotten down to doing so … so here’s it! Had such a pleasant surprise last fri in school. Adelyn sc-ed me showing me she was at the Deck, so I was really happy already because it’s so rare to see her these days since I’m in NUS but she isn’t. Made my way to deck while calling her to get her exact location, and she told me there were friends there whom I know too. And when I arrived … I freaking saw Susi Rachael Vivian there as well, I swear I could burst into tears at that point in time. And hence it turned into an unplanned 111’07/211’08 gathering, I miss the carefree days in NY so damn much. Especially Adelyn & Susi, it’s sad how we don’t get to meet up so often now because we are all in different unis, leading different lives & bounded by diff schedules etc ): The two closest friends I’ve gotten since sec 1, it has been long, but we grow, we all grow up together :’) Reminisced & caught up with each other it was pure bliss really. Talking back to the days where we were so young innocent carefree & what-not, life has really changes a lotttt since those secondary school days. This bunch of lovelies made my NYGH life start on such a good note! On a random note, I conclude that Adelyn is seriously the coolest friend I have due to various reasons HAHA. 

So last fri ended on a good note because of them, and tomorrow will be an awesome end to the week as well, can’t wait for lessons to end so I get to meet people who matter so damn much to me. And not forgetting upcoming concert to support my hierarchy babe, so excited already *o*

I guess I should add that … I’ve survived 2/3 midterms for this sem already *pops confetti* Biopsych was over on tues + psych stats I was over on wed! Only left with social psych midterms which are after recess week and … purely MCQ. Thankful that recess week won’t be as tiring as last sem’s, but of course it’s still going to be full of studying & proj work. Not that I’m complaining, I feel that I’ve gotten it easier than some others who have to lug through notes after notes during the upcoming recess week. Excited to study for social psych too, because it’s an interesting aspect of psychology that I might consider dwelling into. Haven’t exactly decided much yet for certain, let’s just see how things go along the way.

It’s not enough, it’s not enough to get me

What is it I want

It’s not enough, it’s not enough to get me

Everything I need

And I wish, I wish it was

I think it’s time

To give this up

May everyone around me get happier x