Reconciliation

Let someone love you just the way you are – as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as unaccomplished as you think you are. To believe that you must hide all the parts of you that are broken, out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken room and illuminating a dark room.

Had my very first social work tutorial of my life today, and it was really inspiring/thought provoking. And this is one of the many stories our professor shared with us, which I feel would be good to document down:

She attended a workshop recently, and in the workshop they showed a picture of someone stepping on broken glass.
“Ouch” must have been your first reaction right? Well, at least it was for me.
And yet she shared that, we need to realise that it’s easier to mend the cuts from broken glass,
than to mend a broken heart.

So true, from different perspectives, to such a large extent. The context for this sharing was regarding abandonment of elderly parents by irresponsible children who choose not to take care of their parents, even though those are the times where they require the most help/assistance, be it physically or emotionally.

Something unique about studying social work as an undergraduate would be how relevant & relatable it is to our current context, where different cases we chance upon all serve as platforms for learning & thinking critically – should you be the social worker in charge of the case, would you have made the same decisions, or would you have ventured a different route of help? Something that makes being a social worker so meaningful is really the fundamentals of the profession – as the Code of Professional Ethics states, “The profession of social work is based upon a belief in the value and dignity of all human beings, and a concern for their social well being.” We aim to serve, to help, and to guide people. And yet, something that makes this profession such a vulnerable one would be the susceptibility to a wide range of emotions, and having to discern what the most informed and wise choice is, which then again varies from situations as well as perspectives, alongside the beliefs of both parties.

Intriguing & fulfilling discussions during tutorials, which really allows for the gaining of exposure and depth into situations/perspectives that we might not have even considered otherwise. It has only been 2.5 weeks as a social work major, but I’m not regretting anything, and I’m enjoying it tremendously 🙂 Even with the insane number of readings, it’ll be worth it; the readings are mostly quite interesting anyway, and I feel that I can truly benefit from them. For the areas that I’m lacking in, I’m hoping to improve in these years as a social work undergraduate, before I start my profession 🙂 Really excited for the future, hope this passion will last hee.

Got the chance to chat with my professor after my tutorial session today (coincidentally met each other again), and she asked about my decision to change my major. It was a brave move, she said. But it’s something that I wouldn’t regret, for there’s no room for regret, and upon finalising the decision back during the summer, it was a personal decision to not look back any longer. Sharing briefly about my experiences in CSC and how I’ve met inspiring social workers, then made me realise how much of a significance CSC has played in my life thus far – despite only being an active member from the summer of 2014.

In this one year, so many things have changed. A year ago, I wouldn’t have imagined being elected into the position I’m going to hold officially next Thursday. A year from now, I hope I wouldn’t regret the responsibilities laid upon me alongside this role, and that it’ll be a wonderful journey of self-discovery, while hoping to work well alongside the other members to really create this nurturing environment for CSC 🙂

With elections day 1 concluding on 23 August, and miraculously allowing me to be successfully elected as the VPRP, I’d really hope to express my heartfelt thanks to some people who have played such pivotal & significant roles in the past months.

To the ones who helped me in the decision making of running for this position in the first place, thank you for giving me the courage & encouragement; to allow me to step out of my comfort zone & take action of something that I feel passionate for.

To the ones who helped me review my initial plans/directions & providing constructive criticism/feedback, thank you for all your honesty & different perspectives/inputs which led me to an eventual direction I hope to achieve in my term.

To the ones who supported me throughout the whole course, be it in terms of emotional support and all the well wishes/congratulatory messages after getting elected; or even physically coming down to support me & having to sit through the full 2h of elections, thank you so so much, for I know I wouldn’t have been able to survive without all these support.

To the two whom I’ve been meeting every single day since school started till elections day 1 for meetings after meetings, thank you for going through all these together, and I’m really looking forward to working together in our term, while continuing to have fun & enjoying the company at the same time.

To the one who has been a huge source of inspiration & allowing me to gain new insights, thank you for everything. This position wouldn’t have been made possible for me without you.

This will definitely be documented as one of the craziest wildest decisions I’ve made thus far. But no regrets 🙂

Long day ahead later, still up typing this post at 3.30am, not done with preparations for my tutorials later, but I’m glad the above has been documented and kept safely in endlessparadigm. Time to continue with tutorials, with the songs of Lana Del Rey to accompany me through the night.

Till the next time, and all the best to those running for elections this Sunday (including my sis hee) alright this was such a long & seemingly incoherent post bye x

Conflicted Contradiction

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Life hasn’t been all that smooth-sailing these days with various matters occurring.

Mr LKY passed away peacefully on 23 March 2015. As the Founding Father of Singapore, he is, and will continue to be deeply respected. For it is a fact that Singapore will not be what she is today without Mr Lee. His contributions, the time and effort he put in building up this nation that we Singaporeans are proud to call our home, is undeniable. Morphing from a mere third world nation to being a first world nation in a short span of (less than) 50 years, look how much Singapore has progressed. I wouldn’t dare claim to be a true patriot, but I know when respect is due, and Mr Lee deserves such respect. I honestly don’t know the specificities of the contributions Mr Lee made for Singapore, but I do know that it’s his efforts which eventually allowed me to be typing away here safely, without any major worries of security, education or whatsoever.

Which led to the decision of queueing to bid our final farewells, to give our bows, and to pay our final respects to Mr LKY. It was heartwarming beyond words, to see how Singaporeans were caring for each other and distributing water/rations along the way to those who were queueing. It was heartening to realise how there were no complaints or whatsoever of the long queue. Thankful to my two dearest friends with whom I queued together with. Those 5 hours were made tolerable because of you two, honoured to have been able to pay our final respects together :’)

All for our Founding Father, Mr LKY. May you rest in peace, sir.

***

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Sometimes the questions are complicated, and yet the answers are simple.

Vulnerability is innate in me, I know that for a fact. Yet as much as I’m trying to control for this shortcoming, it just doesn’t seem to work out as planned. Perspective is something really important, yet too many perspectives can be tiring. Not sure of what to make of various situations currently, and yet it’s not possible to let things remain status quo. So confused and drained by everything 😦 Someone told me today, to take these matters as challenges and a learning process. Albeit the late realizations, it is definitely better late than never. It’s important to embrace these challenges, instead of dodging them; for they act like boomerangs, and it’s eventually going to come back anyway. When it feels scary to jump, that’s exactly when you jump. Otherwise, you’ll end up staying the same place your whole life. Clouded visions, no more.

Saw this quote from Tumblr which I really agree with:

I don’t think that anything happens by coincidence. No one is here by accident. Everyone who crosses our path has a message for us. Otherwise they would have taken another path, or left earlier or later. The fact that these people are here means that they are here for some reason.

And this relates with my strong belief of soul mates 🙂 I really appreciate people who spare time for me, or show care via various methods, albeit being all caught up in studies, commitments, or just life in general. As emphasised in previous posts, these little things really make a huge difference to me. If growing up means more problems to face along the way, then I don’t ever want to grow up. Because it does get tiring at times, especially times like these, when everything chooses to crash all at once in an unplanned manner.

Pondering over how life has been for the past few weeks, I can’t help but to really question:

Where are the promised better days?

May things get better for everyone. May there be less tragedies happening. May the world be filled with more kindness & happiness. Tough times don’t last, tough people do. But that’s before the stress accumulated causes one to snap into pieces. It’ll then hurt those who attempt to fix those shards of broken pieces. And yet, that’s the time you’ll know who truly matters to you.

A wounded heart seeks shelter in a heart it can trust x

If I Stay

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It probably seems like I cry over stupid shit but tbh I usually end up crying because I’ve stored up all of my upset feelings from multiple things rather than express them. And then the littlest thing sets me off, it might not seem like that big of a deal but when I’ve stored up that many negative emotions, the faucet behind my eyes just malfunctions. And the tears won’t stop. Because it takes a lot to pretend that everything is okay, and one small trigger is all it takes.

Broken Ones

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Cross your heart and say you’ve never given up
That you carried on when every door was shut
That you live, you live with no regret
We wear a smile to hide that we’ve been hurt before
Keep our disasters in a suitcase by the door,
‘Cause you know, you know we’re only human

So lay your hands on the left behind
We all know how it feels to be forgotten for a while
In a crowded place trying not to feel alone,
Just remember that we’ve all been broken once
Let’s love the broken ones
Love the broken ones

Raise your glass to all the words we never say
We do our best, but still we look the other way,
‘Cause sometimes it’s easier to run
‘Cause after all, we’re only human

So drained, too many thoughts on my mind. Such mixed feelings it’s … insane. Just when I thought things were turning better, life proves me otherwise.

I’ve seen the picture posted above quite a few times on tumblr & each time I see it, I feel drawn into it somehow. Perhaps it’s due to the fact that it’s sort of a spinoff from my favorite Disney movie, or perhaps it’s due to the black & white image. Monochromatic colors seem to be attracting me a lot these days. Whatever it is, it’s time to wake up from this dream & head back to reality.

The irony of words have always been playing with my heart/mind, whatever haha till the next time when I’m less drained to type a proper post x

Beautiful Stranger

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Like most misery, it started with apparent happiness.

I think one of the saddest things is when two people really get to know each other: their secrets, their fears, their favorite things, what they hate, what they love, literally everything; and then they go back to being strangers. It’s like you have to walk past them and pretend like you never knew them, never even talked to them before, when really, you know everything about them.

But it hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone, the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it’s so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn’t come back. You’re left so alone that you can’t explain.

For what it’s worth, I sincerely hope the better of things to come around soon. Because it hurts, to hurt. And ironically, it hurts even more, for trying to let go. I’m a mess of unfinished thoughts, and it scares me.

Remember yourself as a little girl, she is counting on you to protect her.

Till the next time x

Puzzles

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you don’t even notice like a puzzle we are broken
lying in pieces on the floor
what are you waiting for?

all the cracks are showing
like a puzzle we are broken
lying in pieces on the floor

Wake me up when September ends isn’t valid anymore because it’s the last day of September & nooooo don’t wake me up. Too tired, too drained these days … If only people realised how, broken I am on the inside.

On a sidenote, definitely gonna miss weekly mentoring sessions with the youths, they bring so much joy to my life :”)

So … till the next time we meet again

x