Clandestine

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I’m stuck in the dark but you’re my flashlight.

For the clues have been blatantly lying around, you’ve just got to pick up the fragments & piece them together, in order to fully understand the specificities of such things. It’s a pity when people aren’t able to view the full picture – perhaps it’s merely a moment of evasiveness. Or was it a case of accidentally-on-purpose? I hope never to find out, should it be the case of the latter.

On a sidenote, it’s amazing how someone can just turn your bad day entirely around with merely a few words & exchange of conversations. Fascinating, yet scary at the same time. Nevertheless, ‘am genuinely thankful from the deep deep bottom of my heart 🙂 At least it’s good to have experienced some tranquillity amidst the craziness that’s currently going on in my life.

Finally for a change, something actually makes sense for once. So let this continue to be clandestine, so there won’t be a possibility of complications arising from the external.

Aren’t the roses so pretty? I think I’m starting to take an inclined liking for flowers, after all 🙂

Till the next time x

Cherish

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As we grow up, one important thing to realize is the inevitable progression of how things changed. From how they used to be, to how they are now. Perhaps some events are undeniably due to circumstance, and yet some are driven by the force of personal choices.

How sad it is, to be aware of such changes, to witness what was once relevant turn into something of little to no importance. The more I experience progressions, the more I appreciate constants; but maybe that’s just me. Not everyone acknowledges the little things in life, and merely take them for granted. How sad it is, to witness replacements, just because something better came along the way? To ditch the past just to embrace the new, that’s just nothing but ruthless & selfish. Just think about the people who have been there since day 1, or the people whom actually showed the care & concerns. It’s not even the case where the same amount of care etc is expected to be reciprocated, but isn’t there just the slight tint of guilt from your careless & hurtful actions or words (albeit unintentionally, or perhaps it was intentional – we’ll never know)? Maybe this time, we’re finally done trying.

It’s oddly fascinating yet excruciatingly upsetting how things work around in life. The way people can feel so connected … yet disconnected all at once. A close friend shared this with me earlier today: “As we grow up, our judgements get less clouded.” Sure there’re changes, but it hasn’t been all that drastic. Being the same with little discrepancies, it has been that way all along – we just fail to see the realities of how matters actually are. After all, don’t we all grow together? Or at least we thought we did. If you want to jump off the ride we have been riding together for such a long time, so be it. Just a note of caution, we’re humans too, and the hurt has been done already anyway. So much for the one-sided care sometimes, it gets tiring. And it clearly doesn’t help that it ain’t one-off, but rather a vicious cycle. I don’t believe in labelling “ignorance” as an excuse any longer, like we did in the past. This time, no excuses.

And it all boils down to priorities, or the lack thereof.

On a sidenote, saw this quote on Tumblr a few days back which I found to be really true.

I think I fall in love a little bit with anyone who shows me their soul.
This world is so guarded and fearful.
I appreciate rawness so much.

If the world was less calculative and filled with more love, gratitude and genuine people, it might be a better place to grow up in. As such, I really do appreciate the times when people around me let their guard down, let me in, and open up to me, as much as I feel comfortable in confiding in them 🙂 I know for a fact that I have serious trust issues, but it’s amazing (though scary at the same time) how comfortable I feel to opening up to people I barely know. Guess it takes someone with a similar soul to truly understand what everything encompasses. For when two fragile people meet, sensitivity becomes a given, boundaries are broken down individually and built around the two; knowing that confidentiality is an unspoken promise.

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For all that we’ve done/sacrificed, I think we deserve waaaaay better/more. At least now, I know the friendships/relationships worth cherishing x

Wonderland

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Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am kind to everyone, but when someone is unkind to me,
weak is not what you are going to remember about me.

I think what hurts the most, is when you give your all to someone. Through thick and thin, you’re there for them unconditionally. You stick with them, no matter what. Then one day, they just give up on you. They won’t even fight for you. The one thing you would have never done, they did with no hesitation.

If you think about it hard enough, you’d start to realize that everything in life is nothing but a paradoxical joke. So many times, I find myself holding back, not taking certain chances, and it all boils down to one primary reason – I’m afraid. But why should we be afraid? What’s so great a strength that should possibly deter me from taking that single leap of faith, which would then lead to so, so much more than I could ever possibly imagine?

So I’ve learnt something new. It’s hard, but I’m trying, I’m trying to start the change. To stop minimizing & discounting your feelings. After all, you have every right to feel the way you do. Sure enough, your feelings may not always be logical, but they are always valid. Because if you feel something, then you feel it and it’s real & legit to you. It’s not something you can ignore or wish away. It’s there, gnawing at you, tugging at your core. You can’t just choose to “stop” these feelings from coming or resurfacing every now and then, just because of circumstances or things that happen along the way.

And in order to find peace within, you have to give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you feel. You have to let go of what you’ve been told you “should” or “shouldn’t” feel. You have to drown out the voices of people who try to shame you into silence. You have to listen to the sound of your own breathing & honor the truth inside you. Because despite of what you may believe, you don’t need anyone’s validation or approval to feel what you feel. Your feelings are inherently right and true. They’re important and they matter – because you matter, and it is really more than okay to feel what you feel. Don’t let anyone, including yourself, convince you otherwise.

Looking around and people-watching, I can’t help but notice how so many people seem to be walking around with a meaningless life – and I know this is a bold assumption, which I can’t help but to have. They seem half-asleep, even when they’re busy doing things they think are important. This is because they’re chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to create something that gives you purpose & meaning.

Lastly, I just wanted to point this out. Words cut deeper than knives. A knife can be pulled out, but words are embedded into our souls. So if you don’t mean something, then just spare us all the trouble of play pretense and not say it altogether, right from the very start. Because eventually the truth will come to light, and ultimately the joke will be on you. As a friend, I’ll tolerate it, for now. Continue stepping on my toes with your subtle yet bold actions, and you’ll face the wrath from me. I’m appalled by my misjudgement, and I’m sorry to say you officially lost the friend in me, in that particular instant. But for memories & old times sake, I’ll let it go just this once. Just so you know, I’m not to be messed with. When I bite back, it’s going to hurt a million times more than what you’re trying to do to me now.

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And if all those words you said to me actually meant something, maybe we wouldn’t be standing where we are today x

Dreams

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It’s amazing. Some people, they just say these small little things, one sentence and it changed the way you feel about them in an instant. Small little words that can hurt you so much or make you fall deeply in love forever. It changes everything, nothing between you is ever really the same again, even if they don’t know it, it still happens.

She changed to be cold, so that no one could hurt her.

x

Prelude of love

Image

 

Things happen, & it makes who I am.

As much as we want the past to completely vanish, it’s impossible.

The past is a part of who we are. It’s an unwanted tattoo.

And the present acts much like our pieces of clothing. It covers the tattoo.

My past is my tattoo, it may fade away, but it’s still there.

x

Relishing in freedom, change isn’t something people can easily adapt to.

People choose not to change, because they’re afraid of what change brings them.

But sometimes, people don’t have a choice.

Change comes with the future, & the only thing left for people to do, is get used to it. 

 

Change can be for the better. It may break people down, but it can also build them up.

Considering all the factors, how can my feelings not change?

We’re strangers, but with memories.

 

Here’s the catch with change.

Change doesn’t just affect one aspect in life – somehow, it spreads to other things as well.

It’s like a bottle of ink.

You knock it over, expecting it to stop right before it reaches the end of the table top.

But that’s not the case.

 

The ink will continue to drip down & spread to other areas.

And just like we have to be prepared to catch the droplets of ink,

we have to be ready to accept change.

x

Love is something as fragile as glass.

If someone breaks your heart, the glass is broken.

The person who wants to pursue you next has  the task of piecing together the glass together.

In the process, the person gets hurt too.

So I guess everybody gets hurt in the end. 

x

Read a story recently & these quotes/paragraphs stood out so … just wanted to document it here for remembrance sake 🙂 x