Killing Loneliness

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Life doesn’t let you go back and change things. All you can do is learn from the past, and prepare for what the future may bring.

As much as I appreciate honesty, if I said I was okay hearing all those, I’d be lying. But the truth hurts, and truth be told, I don’t know how long it’ll be before I reach my breaking point. When you have to handle so many things all at once, it gets tiring, so overwhelming, and so, so lonely at times. I know I shouldn’t be feeling or thinking so negatively, but it’s inevitable given the circumstances – how can I keep up with this facade, knowing the realities of the truth? How many more masks of smiling faces & pretending that everything’s alright can I tolerate, before I give up?

Nights like these, I almost regret all those decisions back then. Almost.

x

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Reconciliation

Let someone love you just the way you are – as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as unaccomplished as you think you are. To believe that you must hide all the parts of you that are broken, out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken room and illuminating a dark room.

Had my very first social work tutorial of my life today, and it was really inspiring/thought provoking. And this is one of the many stories our professor shared with us, which I feel would be good to document down:

She attended a workshop recently, and in the workshop they showed a picture of someone stepping on broken glass.
“Ouch” must have been your first reaction right? Well, at least it was for me.
And yet she shared that, we need to realise that it’s easier to mend the cuts from broken glass,
than to mend a broken heart.

So true, from different perspectives, to such a large extent. The context for this sharing was regarding abandonment of elderly parents by irresponsible children who choose not to take care of their parents, even though those are the times where they require the most help/assistance, be it physically or emotionally.

Something unique about studying social work as an undergraduate would be how relevant & relatable it is to our current context, where different cases we chance upon all serve as platforms for learning & thinking critically – should you be the social worker in charge of the case, would you have made the same decisions, or would you have ventured a different route of help? Something that makes being a social worker so meaningful is really the fundamentals of the profession – as the Code of Professional Ethics states, “The profession of social work is based upon a belief in the value and dignity of all human beings, and a concern for their social well being.” We aim to serve, to help, and to guide people. And yet, something that makes this profession such a vulnerable one would be the susceptibility to a wide range of emotions, and having to discern what the most informed and wise choice is, which then again varies from situations as well as perspectives, alongside the beliefs of both parties.

Intriguing & fulfilling discussions during tutorials, which really allows for the gaining of exposure and depth into situations/perspectives that we might not have even considered otherwise. It has only been 2.5 weeks as a social work major, but I’m not regretting anything, and I’m enjoying it tremendously 🙂 Even with the insane number of readings, it’ll be worth it; the readings are mostly quite interesting anyway, and I feel that I can truly benefit from them. For the areas that I’m lacking in, I’m hoping to improve in these years as a social work undergraduate, before I start my profession 🙂 Really excited for the future, hope this passion will last hee.

Got the chance to chat with my professor after my tutorial session today (coincidentally met each other again), and she asked about my decision to change my major. It was a brave move, she said. But it’s something that I wouldn’t regret, for there’s no room for regret, and upon finalising the decision back during the summer, it was a personal decision to not look back any longer. Sharing briefly about my experiences in CSC and how I’ve met inspiring social workers, then made me realise how much of a significance CSC has played in my life thus far – despite only being an active member from the summer of 2014.

In this one year, so many things have changed. A year ago, I wouldn’t have imagined being elected into the position I’m going to hold officially next Thursday. A year from now, I hope I wouldn’t regret the responsibilities laid upon me alongside this role, and that it’ll be a wonderful journey of self-discovery, while hoping to work well alongside the other members to really create this nurturing environment for CSC 🙂

With elections day 1 concluding on 23 August, and miraculously allowing me to be successfully elected as the VPRP, I’d really hope to express my heartfelt thanks to some people who have played such pivotal & significant roles in the past months.

To the ones who helped me in the decision making of running for this position in the first place, thank you for giving me the courage & encouragement; to allow me to step out of my comfort zone & take action of something that I feel passionate for.

To the ones who helped me review my initial plans/directions & providing constructive criticism/feedback, thank you for all your honesty & different perspectives/inputs which led me to an eventual direction I hope to achieve in my term.

To the ones who supported me throughout the whole course, be it in terms of emotional support and all the well wishes/congratulatory messages after getting elected; or even physically coming down to support me & having to sit through the full 2h of elections, thank you so so much, for I know I wouldn’t have been able to survive without all these support.

To the two whom I’ve been meeting every single day since school started till elections day 1 for meetings after meetings, thank you for going through all these together, and I’m really looking forward to working together in our term, while continuing to have fun & enjoying the company at the same time.

To the one who has been a huge source of inspiration & allowing me to gain new insights, thank you for everything. This position wouldn’t have been made possible for me without you.

This will definitely be documented as one of the craziest wildest decisions I’ve made thus far. But no regrets 🙂

Long day ahead later, still up typing this post at 3.30am, not done with preparations for my tutorials later, but I’m glad the above has been documented and kept safely in endlessparadigm. Time to continue with tutorials, with the songs of Lana Del Rey to accompany me through the night.

Till the next time, and all the best to those running for elections this Sunday (including my sis hee) alright this was such a long & seemingly incoherent post bye x

Milestones

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We make such messes in this life, messes of different intensities. But wiping the surface clean doesn’t really make anything any neater. it just masks what is beneath. It’s only when you really dig down deep, go underground, that you can see who you really are.

endlessparadigm has been with me through the various stages in my uni life, and with this post, I’ll document yet another milestone – another crazy insane unbelievable decision finalised in the past two days. Not sure how it’ll all turn out, still overwhelmed, but with the support & advice from various people, I guess it’s really time to be daring enough to go for it. One year back, should anyone ask if I was interested, I would just laugh it off and lament on how my abilities for this are simply non-existent. Today, as I’m typing this, I admit that the self-doubt still exists, the uncertainty in this, but I’ll try, and do whatever it takes to ensure that I won’t jeopardise anything, and hopefully make a difference and contribute in the many little ways I can 🙂

It’ll be a hectic month ahead for preparations, and if everything turns out successfully, it’ll be a hectic AY ahead. Hoping to be able to tide through all these, for this learning journey & experience is one that’s hard to come by – and now that I have the chance, I’ll make the best of how things are. I must be crazy, but a good kind of crazy.

For someone who’s rather emotions-oriented, the past few days have allowed me to see all the support/care/concerns the people around me have, which is really heartening 🙂 For giving me advice, weighing the pros and cons of such a decision, being worried I would burn out, thinking if I would be able to juggle the various commitments etc etc, I’m so so touched and blessed to have such a wonderful group of friends around me 🙂 As a bonus, I even got advice from someone who’s so inspiring & to put it simply, a legend in this scene. So honoured HAHA lucky me.

It’ll definitely not be a smooth sailing journey ahead, but that’s where I get to learn from right? What’s a role without challenges, it’ll just mean I’m not doing enough – not being critical enough of situations, and just playing it safe. Which isn’t something I’m aiming for, should I assume this role in the coming AY.

Thank you to everyone who has allowed me to confide in them for the past few days, all your opinions mean a lot to me, and through this experience, I’ll try to be a better person, and a better leader.

Had the first meet-up to discuss goals/general direction yesterday, although we sidetracked waaaaay too much, I think the general consensus for the direction has been set. So excited, and with a hopeful heart, this journey will begin. At least for one, I know that there wouldn’t be a lack of support, and we’ll all progress together, and help each other out. I’m not alone in this 🙂

Jiayou shiao, trust yourself as much as others trust you x

Take Heart

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This post marks the 200th post on endlessparadigm, since my first post waaaaay back in 2013 (I think)! Happy 200th post, may there be many more posts to come, to document the little details in my life, for this platform will serve as a useful tool when I feel like taking a trip down memory lane 🙂 Still remember vividly that I moved away from livejournal & created this blog for a fresh start, since the timing coincided nicely with my entry to university. It has been a long journey since then, hoping to find some time to settle down and look back all my posts!

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This post also marks another significant event – the rebranding of Youth Rangers. As of 19 July, the rebranding of Youth Rangers has been approved – it will be known as Youth Beacons from now on. First milestone for our incoming successors, which also signifies the stepping down from our roles in YR soon. So bittersweet, and so much to share about this whole journey. Definitely going to find a time to post about my journey in YR, and my hopes for YB in the near future 🙂

Take Heart by The Sam Willows is mad addictive, go check it out if you haven’t already done so. Local talent, local pride, it’s an amazing song really.

Twist and turn of fate caused me to pull out of something at the last minute, something which I’ve intended to join since last year. Not sure if it’s the right decision, well not like I had a choice to begin with, after everything thus far. Still holding on to my belief that everything happens for a reason, maybe I’m not meant to join it after all? Whatever it is, on the bright side, Y3S1 wouldn’t be as packed/busy as I intended for it to be, so I guess that’s a good thing for me haha. No point regretting, I made the decision, I bear the consequences. All I hope is for it to have been the right decision. Or at least, that I’ll have the ability to ensure it was a right choice.

Trying my best to not let anything spoil my mood from now on! I’m going to be a really happy girl this coming week for various reasons, starting tomorrow 🙂 x

Paper Towns

tumblr_n34u1jQuYv1qe7mxjo1_400 If you don’t get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you don’t want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer because you can’t hold on to it forever. Your mind is your predicament. It wants to be free of change. Free of pain, free of the obligations of life & death. But change is law and no amount of pretending will alter that reality.

The past days have been filled with many ups and downs, with different emotions being triggered due to different happenings and circumstances. While I’d say I was deeply affected and really emotional, the me who’s typing all these now is through a rationale mind and not saying things due to bouts of anger.

With an expecting and happy attitude, I dedicated my entire summer to a project that means a lot to me (it still does). Albeit being skeptical as to whether I was able to cope with the various commitments, I decided to go for it, because ultimately I knew I would regret if I didn’t. I’d be lying if I said the whole journey thus far has been a smooth sailing one, because, for various reasons, it really hasn’t. I admit that throughout the past few months, there have been instances where I question myself, if the time & effort put in is really worth it. And I immediately feel guilty for even having second thoughts, because complications aside, this project is in line with my beliefs in volunteering. Back in February, I posted this before my interview results came out:

During my interview, I got asked the primary question that all volunteers will probably come across at least once in their lives:

What does volunteerism mean to you?

Honestly felt that my answer during the interview wasn’t able to perfectly encapsulate the thoughts that I have pertaining to this question because of how nervous I was haha. Volunteerism is something that should come from your heart, and not for the sake of superficiality – for it will not only be detrimental to yourself, but your beneficiaries as well. Volunteerism is seen when you contribute your time & effort in various ways, even if it’s just spending time with your beneficiaries, without expecting any personal returns or gains, apart from satisfaction and happiness within. Volunteerism means to befriend your beneficiaries, getting to know them for who they really are, being able to see past the possible disadvantages they may have in their lives. Nobody is perfect, we might just  be slightly more privileged than others out in society, hence affording to render our services to alleviate their lives, be it in terms of physical items or simply inculcating values etc. Volunteerism shouldn’t be seen as something that’s noble or whatsoever, it shouldn’t be something that you choose to do just because you have some time to spare. Volunteerism should be nothing but sincerity, it should be something innate, where you don’t feel compelled or pressurized to do whatever you do. Because volunteering means as much to me as the importance of people understanding the spirit of volunteerism. So this, is what volunteerism means to me :’)

This is my main drive and motivation for continuing to pursue what I truly believe in. One particular sentence from above struck me hard yesterday, “… without expecting any personal returns or gains, apart from satisfaction and happiness within”. Volunteering is meant to be something where everyone works together towards a common goal, and when needed, we contribute. To be proactive in helping others, with minimal complaints. Everyone is busy, everyone has their own commitments, everyone has their own lives to lead. But as grown-ups, the least we could do is to fulfil our responsibilities & carry out our duties diligently, isn’t it? And for things that you haven’t done, it doesn’t make any sense to claim full credit for them. Not giving the proper credit is fine (I’m totally okay with that, I didn’t help out just to have my efforts recognised anyway). But shamelessly claiming to have done something when you didn’t contribute at all is an action that is way past my limit of tolerance.

Perhaps we might seem to be blowing the entire issue up, or overreacting, but the very fact that our efforts have been completely discounted deeply upsets and infuriates me. Because this insensitivity in words & such a bold (wrong) move, shook up so much dynamics and people who actually dedicated so many hours/so much effort, deserve an apology at the very least. I guess only the people who were present would understand the tediousness behind a seemingly simple task, and nobody else could – or even should – say that they fully understand, because they don’t, and never will, unless they have been through it themselves.

I don’t regret joining this project, I really don’t. The interactions I’ve had with the donors/beneficiaries so far reaffirmed this. I’m still holding on to my beliefs, staying true to my heart, & continue to contribute whenever possible. Hence, despite certain discrepancies in expectations/working styles, as much as I am affected by it, I wouldn’t let it affect the project (to the best of my abilities). Why should such problems affect our common vision in helping our beneficiaries anyway? From this whole experience thus far, I guess one important thing is to minimise miscommunications whenever possible. Loads of thoughts pertaining to this, shall save it for a later post some time soon when I’m able to free up some time again.

Anyway … this whole thinking process of how important volunteering is to me, coincidentally led me to finalising a huge decision on Monday, 29 June. It’s a big leap, a huge step, and a drastic change. But I’m excited to know what’s in it for me in the coming years, may my decision be a wise one. Still uncertain about it, but so so thankful for all the support/respect/reassurance from the friends who’ve heard the news from me :’) It really means a lot, and I sincerely thank those who have been sticking around and being concerned, while ensuring that my choice will be a wise one. One decision made, two more decisions to go. And I’m still lost about them so … I’ll just take things in stride for now. And hope that someone pops by along the way to give me advice that I really need.

May things get better from now on x tumblr_mtancr34aQ1qcqbdbo1_400 PS. Exactly one year ago, I embarked on my Korea trip with friends whom I’ll treasure for a lifetime 🙂 Such memories will never fade, and may we be able to relive them again in the near future.

PPS. 1 July marks Chad & Avril’s wedding anniversary hehe.

Remedy

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I think one of my favourite feelings is laughing with someone and realizing halfway through, how much you enjoy them and their existence.

We’re all pieces of the same ever-changing puzzle; some connected for mere seconds, some connected for life, some connected through knowledge, some through belief, some through love, and some connected with no explanation at all. Yet, as spiritual beings having a human experience, we’re all here for the sensations this reality or illusion has to offer. The best anyone can hope for is the right to be able to live, learn, and love. After which, reap the benefits of their own chosen existence in the hereafter, by virtue of simply believing in what they believe.

The past few days have been nothing but hectic & stressful, albeit fun & meaningful. But sometimes, everything just seems to get too tough to handle. Sometimes, all I want is to be able to step aside and take a break from all these, to really have some time to clear my mind and not have to worry about anything. And yet these become wishful thinking, and I know for certain it’s almost impossible. After all, this is reality, and any second wasted would render rushed times in the near future. Which would then lead to more stress, thus forming a vicious cycle that I won’t be able to step out from.

And yet, the past few days have showed me the importance of friends, the importance of daring to open up, the importance of not putting up a strong front any longer. Nothing touches me more than having people willing to sacrifice their time for me, to just listen to whatever I have to say. These little gestures mean a lot to me, and as much as I suck at showing my thankfulness, I really do appreciate such actions a lot. And I’ve learnt, or rather try to convince myself, that it’s okay not to be okay; where mistakes should serve nothing more than a learning process, rather than having guilt of wrong decisions overwhelm me more than it should.

I’ve realized that looking backwards only hinders growth. Because the more time you spend in solitude, the more you look back to everything that once seemed so right, yet seems so wrong now. The wrong moves, the wrong decisions. You loved with everything and you hurt with everything; it’s how you operate. Yet, you’re okay. Eventually, you’re okay. You live, you’re happy, and you finally move on. But it’s alright to be slightly bitter & hurt while attempting to mature. It’s all very confusing and unfair at times, but it’s no longer your loss nor your mystery to solve.

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We are like strangers, who started to know each other better, bit by bit.

Till the next time x

Conflicted Contradiction

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Life hasn’t been all that smooth-sailing these days with various matters occurring.

Mr LKY passed away peacefully on 23 March 2015. As the Founding Father of Singapore, he is, and will continue to be deeply respected. For it is a fact that Singapore will not be what she is today without Mr Lee. His contributions, the time and effort he put in building up this nation that we Singaporeans are proud to call our home, is undeniable. Morphing from a mere third world nation to being a first world nation in a short span of (less than) 50 years, look how much Singapore has progressed. I wouldn’t dare claim to be a true patriot, but I know when respect is due, and Mr Lee deserves such respect. I honestly don’t know the specificities of the contributions Mr Lee made for Singapore, but I do know that it’s his efforts which eventually allowed me to be typing away here safely, without any major worries of security, education or whatsoever.

Which led to the decision of queueing to bid our final farewells, to give our bows, and to pay our final respects to Mr LKY. It was heartwarming beyond words, to see how Singaporeans were caring for each other and distributing water/rations along the way to those who were queueing. It was heartening to realise how there were no complaints or whatsoever of the long queue. Thankful to my two dearest friends with whom I queued together with. Those 5 hours were made tolerable because of you two, honoured to have been able to pay our final respects together :’)

All for our Founding Father, Mr LKY. May you rest in peace, sir.

***

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Sometimes the questions are complicated, and yet the answers are simple.

Vulnerability is innate in me, I know that for a fact. Yet as much as I’m trying to control for this shortcoming, it just doesn’t seem to work out as planned. Perspective is something really important, yet too many perspectives can be tiring. Not sure of what to make of various situations currently, and yet it’s not possible to let things remain status quo. So confused and drained by everything 😦 Someone told me today, to take these matters as challenges and a learning process. Albeit the late realizations, it is definitely better late than never. It’s important to embrace these challenges, instead of dodging them; for they act like boomerangs, and it’s eventually going to come back anyway. When it feels scary to jump, that’s exactly when you jump. Otherwise, you’ll end up staying the same place your whole life. Clouded visions, no more.

Saw this quote from Tumblr which I really agree with:

I don’t think that anything happens by coincidence. No one is here by accident. Everyone who crosses our path has a message for us. Otherwise they would have taken another path, or left earlier or later. The fact that these people are here means that they are here for some reason.

And this relates with my strong belief of soul mates 🙂 I really appreciate people who spare time for me, or show care via various methods, albeit being all caught up in studies, commitments, or just life in general. As emphasised in previous posts, these little things really make a huge difference to me. If growing up means more problems to face along the way, then I don’t ever want to grow up. Because it does get tiring at times, especially times like these, when everything chooses to crash all at once in an unplanned manner.

Pondering over how life has been for the past few weeks, I can’t help but to really question:

Where are the promised better days?

May things get better for everyone. May there be less tragedies happening. May the world be filled with more kindness & happiness. Tough times don’t last, tough people do. But that’s before the stress accumulated causes one to snap into pieces. It’ll then hurt those who attempt to fix those shards of broken pieces. And yet, that’s the time you’ll know who truly matters to you.

A wounded heart seeks shelter in a heart it can trust x