2014

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Happy NYE everyone! This post will be the first since I turned 20. And this post will be the last of 2014. Taking some time to type & reflect on the year, guess it’s sort of a review post of how life has been in 2014 🙂 Disclaimer: It’s really long & boring, but I choose to document all of it down for myself, as a keepsake memory. It has been a tough yet interesting journey thus far, and I’m thankful that it’s going to be over soon, for 2015 will definitely be filled with even more fun, excitement and challenges that I (hope I can and) will conquer 🙂

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Life as a psychology undergraduate in NUS

2014 marks the final sem of being a year 1, and proceeding on as a year 2 in uni. School hasn’t been easy on me, or perhaps I’m just a student inferior to others. But I truly enjoy what I study, and it’s nice to see the fruits of my hard labor in the results received recently – albeit not fantastic or impressive, but an improvement is all it takes to convince myself that it’s worth it. In 2014, I took modules that interest me the most (social + abnormal psychology). And this affirmed my dream of reading psychology :’)

Social psych taught me social skills & know-hows in daily interactions, it made me (slightly) more sensitive to people’s behaviors. I guess this is why people assume that psychologists can read minds, though it’s really more of just being more observant in certain things that others tend to neglect. Whatever it is, I still have a looong way to go 🙂

Abnormal psychology taught me the art of empathy, yet at the same time to be less judgmental. It’s really important that we do not label people with disorders as “the person with depression” or whatsoever, but to accept & view them as who they are, for they are only humans who are less fortunate than others to be diagnosed with psychological disorders. And I finally got the chance to visit IMH through my course of study, which makes me really grateful 🙂 It has provided me with fresh insights & what-nots, definitely will continue to volunteer @ IMH if I have the chance!

Overall, despite the hectic schedules as an undergraduate, where I experienced my first double 8am lectures in uni (which I will avoid to the best of my abilities from now on), it has been a fulfilling year in terms of studies 🙂

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Life as a volunteer in CSC

2014 marks the year where I officially involved myself in volunteering once again, after a one-year hiatus in 2013. The first major event was the Adventure Camp held in June. Planning for the camp while rendering my services as the Secretary in the committee taught me loads of things, especially since this is the first time I’ve planned for a camp that’s held in Pulau Ubin. A foreign location naturally brings about more difficulties & uncertainties, but the camp made me revisit Guiding skills that I’ve missed, which makes me really happy because it brought back fond memories of Guiding with the pitching of tents & firelighting for outdoor cooking 🙂

Then came the biggest decision I’ve made in 2014 – accepting the role of Vice Chairperson of Youth Rangers. It was a really tough choice & I was in a constant debate between acceptance & rejection of the role, for I wasn’t sure if I could handle the responsibilities that came with the title. After consulting & considering the various advice from friends, I decided to give it a try. I don’t regret the choice, albeit knowing that perhaps there might be someone out there who has better capabilities for this role. Because this choice has ultimately shaped & steered my volunteering journey to a different one – one that is more meaningful than all the volunteering experiences I’ve ever had in my life.

Being the VC has its pros and cons. For one, I’m really glad to have been given this opportunity, & it has led me to meet an awesome RVP Team AY14/15, especially the other Children/Youth sector chairpersons 🙂 It has also allowed me to be more involved in the behind-the-scenes of volunteering, ranging from planning of events to attending countless meetings & gaining new insights from other fellow chairpersons. I can’t emphasize how much importance volunteering takes in my heart, and it’s so so important to me that people volunteer because they have the genuine passion & heart to do so. It’s obvious when their reasons for volunteering are otherwise, but sometimes I choose not to say anything because well, it’s their choice, and as long as they don’t jeopardize anything, I guess I’m not in the position to judge or whatsoever.

I foresee changes in the future, in YR, and I’m hoping for the changes to be a good one. Since I officially accepted my certificate of appointment on 4 Sept 2014, I promise to make the best out of this AY, as the VC of YR. May things be smooth sailing from now on, and I’m confident to say that I’m no longer who I was in the past. The volunteering experience thus far has shaped me greatly and I’m thankful for that.

It’s really so heartwarming to see the youths acknowledging & being happy because of our presence & commitments, the fun & enjoyment that they display during sessions are what drives me to continue pushing on even if it’s a tough time ahead. Because as long as we have impacted & made a difference in contributing to the lives of our youths, I know that all the hard work is more than worth it 🙂

Apart from YR, I’ve semi-involved myself as a volunteer in GAW during the wish adoption + party phases 🙂 I had the opportunity to learn basic Braille during a workshop @ iC2 Prephouse, it was a really eye-opening experience! Attended 2 GAW Parties (iC2 Prephouse + BSS), and I’ve learnt a lot from both parties. Interacting with children of different backgrounds, with children who have slight disabilities in terms of sight, it really made me feel much more humble while seeing the amount they had to offer despite all the setbacks going on in their lives.

One semester left as a member of YR Comm, & I’m going to make sure things get better, and that it’s the best yet. Looking forward to the continuation of rendering my services in CSC, as volunteering continues to play a significant role in my journey to self-discovery & fulfillment! 🙂

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Life as a tourist in Korea

This is definitely one of the highlights of 2014. My first independent 15-day holiday trip overseas with friends! Thank you to the best travelling buddies I could ever ask for, I really love how our travelling styles & preferences etc all complement each other so well, and that the trip concluded so memorably without any arguments or whatsoever. I had the best time of my life in Korea, and am already looking forward to future trips together with this awesome bunch! In these 15 days, I’ve been to Jeju + Seoul, and it was a really interesting experience.

Hobo-ed at Incheon Airport overnight for the first time in my life, and it was such a historical moment where we coincidentally managed to meet various k-idols (including our bias group INFINITE!!!!) while hobo-ing overnight. What a pleasant surprise it was, I’ll never forget how it felt omg :’) Aaaand I met my bias Dongwoo’s parents by visiting their family restaurant! Thank you my dearest friends for scheduling that into our triip & not giving up despite getting lost for a while in an attempt to find the restaurant (there was even a slight drizzle)! It was simply … magical HAHA. Conversing with Dongwoo’s dad, and him being so enthusiastic about taking a picture with us that he even made sure that Dongwoo’s poster will be captured in the picture! And Dongwoo’s mom personally feeding us (although the spicy octopus really made me have legit tears), such awesome fan service that his parents gave to fans (especially since they knew we were not local fans but international fans!) I’ll definitely head back to their family restaurant the next time I go to Korea, and sincerely appreciate the warm hospitality that they served us with!

From randomly following this rookie group at Myeongdong whom we initially didn’t know of (and subsequently found out they were B.I.G.), to all the crazy shopping & fun times in Jeju/Seoul, thank you to Yumin, Sheryin & Amanda for the memorable Korea trip 🙂 Here’s to more #guesswhatadventures to come in the future!

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Life as a music fanatic

In 2014, I attended 2 concerts! Avril Lavigne Live in Singapore 2014 on 15 Feb, and The Red Tour by Taylor Swift on 12 June.

After being a Black Star since primary school days, I finally got to enjoy Avril Lavigne’s concert live for the first time ever! Made sure to get the best tickets with the best view, and saying that Avril is awesome irl is a major understatement omg. Can’t wait for her next album to be out, since it has been almost 2 years since she released her fifth self-titled studio album. Her sincerity & confidence in her performance really deserves the utmost admiration from all her black stars indeed, may her songs continue to serve as my therapy in the future! Taylor Swift was incredible live as well, and her stage performances & entertainment level is insane. Thankful to have gotten the chance to attend both concerts this year 🙂

I’m hoping for Lana Del Rey to come for a tour in Singapore in the future! Her album Ultraviolence released earlier this year has been on replay for the longest time ever, there’s just something about the songs by Lana Del Rey that is so addictive.

Infinite released 2 albums this year, Season 2 + Season 2 Repackage, and both albums are nicely sitting on my shelf hee. Infinite songs are definitely my favorite in Kpop, and Last Romeo + Back (both of their title tracks this year) literally blew my mind away. I really love how much sincerity they put in each of their performances on stage, where they actually sing live despite their dance being really tough & energy draining. Definitely going to continue supporting Infinite by being their loyal Inspirit! It has been said that Infinite H will be having a comeback in January, Infinite in February, and Sunggyu with his second solo album some time next year. Hence, I foresee 2015 being an awesome year for Infinite already, may all their group/unit/solo comebacks be successful! 🙂

Amidst all the songs from specific singers, I’m glad to have stumbled upon loads of other random English songs with lyrics that resonate deeply within me, that I can relate to, and that are applicable for different moods etc.

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Life as who I am

In 2014, I’ve learnt a lot and gained loads of valuable experience, to continue shaping my future for who I’m meant to be. One recurring topic is undoubtedly “friends”, as I realized how people seem to loosely classify (& I used to be guilty of that as well) acquaintances as friends. This year, I’ve realized who my true friends are, who are the friends meant to stick around, and who aren’t the sincere ones. This year, I had the chance of several friendships resurfacing, from years ago. And I’m really glad it happened, because it does feel good & reassuring to be able to reminisce & share freely about things, to people who were once in my life (and have re-entered thankfully).

Lost friendships might be hard to revive, but for what’s it worth, the effort put in by both parties will definitely keep it going. I really like how it isn’t awkward at all despite losing contact for years 🙂 I guess this goes to show the genuine core of what friendship should entail 🙂

And I’m more than grateful to those whom I’ve been talking on a regular/daily basis. No need for mentions, you guys know who you are. Thank you for tolerating all the nonsense & enduring all my rants/frustrations etc. It hasn’t been easy, I’m sure of that, but thanks for sticking around :’) It means so much to me. Old is gold indeed, I wouldn’t trade you guys for any other, not now not ever.

Living life as a 19 y-o and turning 20 so so recently, I’ve grown to notice the amount of independence needed in my life. Things aren’t the same as what they were when I was young, safe in my comfort zone & protected from all ’em unpleasant happenings. But this is a learning & growing process. As we make mistakes, we learn from them, we rebound, and get back up stronger than before.

This year continued to touch me with endearing birthday wishes/messages, all of which I read well & will hold the words close to my heart :’) Thank you for all the birthday wishes/dedications, spending time to meet me & what-nots, planning surprises, and all the handwritten birthday letters! For I’m still old-fashioned when it comes to this, but handwritten letters really hold so much significance than any other. So thank you to everyone and yes, I’m finally 20! 🙂

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May 2015 be a better year for everyone, with less tragedies happening & more happiness spread throughout. Going to make a 2015 new year resolution since I’m turning 21 next year, but probably not going to post it up since it’s more private haha. First two weeks of 2015 really packed & hence ensuring that the beginning of 2015 will be a blast, may it be a meaningful & insightful year ahead, where everyone gets what they wish/aim for :’) Put behind whatever unhappiness or grudges incurred in 2014, and welcome 2015 with a fresh start, an open mind, and a hopeful heart!

With this, I conclude my final post on endlessparadigm in 2014. Till the next time we meet, in 2015 x

20152015, bring it on. I’m ready.

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Lucky Ones

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Dandelions add a wish of happiness, and a promise of complete and utter faithfulness.

YR Launch Ceremony has officially concluded as of yesterday. Really glad that the event ran through rather smoothly, without any major issues/hiccups. It has been weeks/months since we first started gathering volunteers for the launch, so so thankful for the dedication that every single volunteer had to make the launch a good one for our dearest youths :’)

And I was really heartened to see the youths yesterday, considering how I haven’t seen them since the last study support session which was back in … September. Time really flies, and it felt really awesome to see them again. Didn’t realize how big an impact these youths have made in my life till yesterday.

It was so heartening, & I feel so privileged to see the youths get commissioned yesterday :’) Words simply can’t encapsulate the overwhelming feels I had, but I’m so happy for every single one of them. For they are willing to give themselves a chance, to be commissioned, and to continue heading down the right path in life. It might have taken a lot of determination for some of them, there definitely are complications that are entangled within, but they all made it eventually. And my heart swells in pride & happiness for them.

I can’t emphasize how much these youths are the main driving factor to let me continue on & be part of this Youth Ranger family. I won’t deny that there have been many unhappy circumstances which have made me doubt certain decisions, but every chance I get to interact with ’em youths only reaffirms the fact that this indeed is the right way to go ahead. No more looking backward, not now not ever anymore.

One youth gone astray, is one youth too much.

This sentence particularly struck me in one of the speeches delivered yesterday. During my duty as a stage crew member yesterday for the launch, I learnt a lot more about the youths whom I didn’t know prior to the event (i.e. the youths from the other centres, or the performers). It made me appreciate their performances so much more, I was really deeply touched by some of the stories that the social worker shared with me. Never judge a book by its cover, never judge a person by how they seem. All too often, they carry stories far more than you’d ever possibly imagine. We all fall victim into being judgmental people, be it blatantly or subconsciously. But after yesterday, I learnt not to judge people by first impressions, because they might seem to be different, but you don’t know how far back their life stories are dated. Some of them have really came a long way since the beginning, and comparatively, their journey in life humbles us so much, considering how much they have progressed since then. On a lighter note, I really really enjoy chatting with social workers because the passion they have really inspires me 🙂

“Have you ever regretted your choice?”

Not so surprisingly, this question has been thrown to me more than once. I think my friends realize the impact that this has on me,& I’m sorry for all the times you guys have to tolerate my rants & frustrations vented out, be it over messages or in real life. I’ve grown to realize the increasing importance of volunteering. I wouldn’t say that volunteering defines me per se, but it definitely represents me in one way or another. It makes me happy, it makes my life fulfilling albeit the tough times that are attached to the decision. It dawned upon me that being a person & the commitment to this shouldn’t be mutually exclusive, in fact it’s deeply intertwined. Everyone has different passions & different things that they feel compelled to protect & push for. Personally, I think I’ve found mine. I’ll never let go, no matter how tedious the journey ahead might be. What entails an enriching volunteering journey? Different people have different standards & expectations. I know what it is I hope to achieve, I’ll work towards my goals. And the answer to the question? It’s a simple no.

I remembered it now with happiness and I knew I would always remember it with happiness.
It was one of those small things that you can go to sleep with,
that you can wake in the night and that you could recall if necessary if you were ever tortured.

It’s all about pushing your limits & trying to figure how much you are able to take. I believe that everyone’s potential is limitless, the only difference is the extent to which our comfort zones are able to handle. And hence, I’m going to redefine my journey to completely dedicate myself into the process of enjoyment within, and distance myself from any external factors that might make me potentially unhappy. It’s difficult, but at least I’ll try. Because such matters that probably wouldn’t even matter (or be remembered) in the future shouldn’t serve as an impediment to my experience. I’m still learning, I’m trying to be a better person.

Everything in life is temporary. So if things are going good, enjoy them. And if things are going bad, don’t worry, it can’t last forever. But I don’t know why I let you build up that false hope again, only to have it shatter me into a million pieces (yet again). I should have learnt from the first time, ha ha. All ’em pointless waiting & foolishly hoping, may it stop soon.

La douleur est seulement pertinente si elle fait toujours mal, et tu me manque tellement.

Still drained, still trying to cope with everything, but I’ll get through it somehow. There’s still so much that I want to talk about, but I’ll save if for another time/the next post haha. Such a lengthy post, I had fun typing all these out though. Alright then, till the next time x

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Beautiful Stranger

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Like most misery, it started with apparent happiness.

I think one of the saddest things is when two people really get to know each other: their secrets, their fears, their favorite things, what they hate, what they love, literally everything; and then they go back to being strangers. It’s like you have to walk past them and pretend like you never knew them, never even talked to them before, when really, you know everything about them.

But it hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone, the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it’s so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn’t come back. You’re left so alone that you can’t explain.

For what it’s worth, I sincerely hope the better of things to come around soon. Because it hurts, to hurt. And ironically, it hurts even more, for trying to let go. I’m a mess of unfinished thoughts, and it scares me.

Remember yourself as a little girl, she is counting on you to protect her.

Till the next time x

Falling Leaves

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Decisions, decisions. I was just thinking earlier today, how many wrong decisions & wrong paths does it take before you’re finally steered onto the right one? And who is eligible to discern what’s the right path in the first place anyway. Perhaps all decisions in life are meant to happen for a reason, with each being a valuable life lesson. However, is it worth it to experience all these, with the unhappiness & amount of time dedicated to these deterred choices?

Song to recommend: Family of the Year – Hero. It’s really, really therapeutic to listen to this song, discovered it from It’s Okay, It’s Love drama. Really bad time to be hooked to a drama but this drama is related to psychology so I guess that’s a legit reason? Gonna be done with this drama in 3 episodes hahaa strongly recommending it so go watch when y’all have the time. One of the conversations from this drama caught my attention:

Because deep emotional scars always have a way of making a person fall sick & ill. And that’s the scariest part.

So, so intriguing & fascinating, yet dangerous at the same time. Worthy topic to be pondering about during late nights (like these) haha. I’ll prolly post up some stuff soon because there are certain thoughts/perspectives lingering in my mind that I need to get out.

Read this somewhere today & it just tugged on my heart so, just wanted to share it here:

Do you remember the days we spent running under the stars? Those times we laughed so hard that the world thought we were crazy? But we didn’t care. We never did. It was a funny thing. At first it seems endless, as if for the first time the world had decided to stop, just for us. Just because those minutes were too precious to let go. But they slipped away, like water in a fist. And no matter how hard we tried to hold on to it, it always emptied.

Now, you’re gone. I can’t whisper to you the secrets of the world, like I used to. I can’t hold your hand or see your smile. But that’s okay. I know you’re waiting for me, just like I’d wait for you. Someday soon I’ll come and join you. Someday we’ll be together again.

Friday’s finally coming, this week has been a really tiring one somehow so yay to the upcoming weekend it’ll be awesome (as usual) x

Ridiculous nostalgia

It’s 2.12am and I should prolly get to bed soon … but I’m not even sleepy. Don’t even know what I’m doing now staying up in an attempt to study (but failing very badly). Can’t help but to keep getting distracted here and there ugh |: Maybe I’ll do up a proper post later in the day if I’m free.

And I wanted to post something. But I can’t remember what I wanted to post. But I just thought of it a few seconds ago. My memory is failing me ): Ugh I hate it when I’m unable to recall stuff like that. And this temporary memory block thing is happening waaaaay too often these days ):

On a happy note, it’s just one day left to MAF I am so excited yey ex-hwach people see y’all around go for MAF okay it will be memorable for sure. Really can’t wait to meet my hierarchy babes + 7G, felt like I haven’t seen them in a million years and I miss them so much already ):

AND I REMEMBERED WHAT I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT YEY. As of 12 September 2013, I guess everything was finalised. Glad I made the decision, hope I will hold on to what I believe in for so long and … please don’t make me regret that decision. Now I’m really looking forward to it, life ahead please be exciting and kind to me alright (: It took courage to go for it, considering all the complications tied in etc. And yet I’m so glad that I’m not alone in this, and it’s a mega huge bonus to have one of my best friends to be in it with me. It means a lot, you have no idea at all how much difference it makes. Hence I’m really really happy now (:

Okay I can’t believe I took that long to type these few words, I can’t think properly at a time like this LOL whoops. I think I’m gon regret staying up when the fatigue kicks in later but … who cares right. It’s 2.19am, time to hit the books again okay I suddenly seem so studious yey (it’s nothing but a facade). Suddenly recalled of the times my friends called me mugger shiao when I clearly wasn’t one – maybe it was sarcasm HAHA.

Interesting fact of the day/night: my close friends like to call me shiao. And I like to be called shiao, I don’t know why. But it sounds nice. Even though it can refer to both me & my sis.

Another interesting fact of the day/night: I just realised/recalled that my sis calls me shiao too. Maybe everytime I think she’s talking to me, she’s actually talking to herself.

Last interesting fact of the day/night: I’m guessing you (yes you who’s reading this now) are just facepalming and LOLing at the rubbish I just typed.

2.22am and I shall end this highly incoherent post here, nights in advance

x

Bits and pieces

 

I don’t like how easily my feelings/emotions/mood change with things. It’s so vulnerable now such that small little things will mean so much, and on the reverse = affect me so much as well. Since when did I allow myself to be put in such a position ): I really don’t like it at all, how do I get rid of this ): ugh fml stupid thoughts screw you go away bye bye bye.

Anyway … I realised I need to um, be more mature. My actions/the way I present myself in front of my uni friends is just unacceptable in a sense that I’m probably too lame/childish & totally not acting like my age. I really need to start maintaining hahah okay I think/hope this will naturally die down since I am too stressed out by everything I won’t be in the mood to joke around anymore. Turning 19 in 3 months & 2 days’ time, I know I’ll miss being 18 for sure.

And …. I need to start getting my directions around NUS right ): It’s insane how bad my sense of direction is (to think I used to be from Guides LOL) … but NUS/FASS is really like a huuuuuge maze. 4 years later I hope I will be able to walk to LTs/tutorial classrooms/laboratories without the help of signs, although it’s highly unlikely given my current state ): Oh anyway, NUS flooded today, mainly at KR MRT area + FOS. The pictures circulating around are really hilarious but … sad for the students/lecturers who suffered ‘cos of the flood |: Please don’t flood tmr thanks my one and only lesson is at FOS LOL.

Currently plugged in and listening to the Mugging Playlist that I created – purely made out of nothing but English songs (: So therapeutic really. #nowplaying If You Can’t Live Without Me, Why Aren’t You Dead Yet? – Mayday Parade. Love this song so much, and the irony is that this insane long title doesn’t appear a single time in the song lyrics LOL. But I still love this song all the same (: And admit it, the title’s pretty cool.

When you hear this chorus/ do you miss the way the world was spinning for us/
do you hurt the way that I do/ after all this time you leave me broken/
this song is every word I left unspoken/ when you hear this girl I’m hoping/
that you think of us

It’s past midnight so it’s officially just 8 more freaking days to Hwach MAF (: I never looked forward to any Hwach event as much as I am currently anticipating 14 Sept … it’s insane how much I miss my dearest Hierarchy tier babes ): And I get reminded of them everytime I see the word Hierarchy in Sociology (it appears so damn often it’s killing me x__x) So nostalgic about everything and anything, even the studying system in Hwach ‘cos it isn’t as stressful as uni life LOL.

#achievementunlocked this morning because I woke up at 6.45am just to complete my soci tutorial LOL. It is the earliest I have woken for school in these 4 weeks of official uni life + I haven’t woken up this early just to do work since mugging-for-A’s days -__- 

Kind of made a decision, but it hinges on one more factor. Hope everything gets confirmed soon, I just don’t have the courage to step back in alone. That thought just scares me too much, yet I know how badly/really want to commit myself to it sigh. Still confused/conflicted, I hate this feeling ):

Too distracted or anything to continue posting (hence I shall postpone my 20 facts yet again whoops) k bye bye sleep early people sleep is nice it makes you sane

Sleeping is always good. While you are sleeping, you don’t have to think about how miserable your life is.But then you wake up and there it is all over again. Your miserable life.

 

x

And the reason is you

yanilavigne: More quotes here..

 

This is what I do every single day. Wake up, prepare for school, head to school, go back home & study, and plop back to bed all tired & such. Don’t like it when my life becomes so mundane, especially when it used to be interesting & more hyped up (partially ‘cos of CCAs & friends who make breaks so much more awesome). Life these days have really purely been boring ):

Which brings me to the point of a dilemma I’m facing now sigh. I don’t know if I should commit myself to it, or just let the chance slip away again. Asked some friends about it, balanced POVs here & there – which means I still haven’t came to a conclusion. There are more … complications tied down to this decision than anyone will ever know. And these complications might just deter me from choosing to commit but I know that if I don’t, there will always be that part of me nagging at the back of my mind, regretting the choice of not going for it sigh.

I really don’t know what to do/what to choose, hate it that I’m forever such an indecisive person but this is really an important matter to me ): I let the chance slip away once already, and if I don’t have the courage, this chance is going to slip away from me yet again sigh. This dilemma is so burdensome it’s making my mind go insane from thinking about it I’m not even kidding.

Approximately 17 more days to decide. Whatever my decision is, I just hope that I won’t regret. Sorry to the people I’ve been burdening my problem/dilemma with … it may seem like a lame thing to some people. But it’s really a tough decision I have to make, which makes it all worse.

On a lighter note, week 3 of my first sem in uni life as a freshie is officially over. Time really flies so damn quickly, it’s time to start sorting my life out & plan my time/schedule properly … at this rate midterms will be here before I even realise lol, and damn will I be screwed ugh. Promise to self: don’t screw anything up in uni please, the consequences that follow thereafter are too much to handle.

Time to go be a good girl & study again, to get all these insane stuff out of my mind k bye bye bye

fashionsociety: (via: fashionsociety)

 

x