Killing Loneliness

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Life doesn’t let you go back and change things. All you can do is learn from the past, and prepare for what the future may bring.

As much as I appreciate honesty, if I said I was okay hearing all those, I’d be lying. But the truth hurts, and truth be told, I don’t know how long it’ll be before I reach my breaking point. When you have to handle so many things all at once, it gets tiring, so overwhelming, and so, so lonely at times. I know I shouldn’t be feeling or thinking so negatively, but it’s inevitable given the circumstances – how can I keep up with this facade, knowing the realities of the truth? How many more masks of smiling faces & pretending that everything’s alright can I tolerate, before I give up?

Nights like these, I almost regret all those decisions back then. Almost.

x

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Born to Die

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Please don’t ask if I’m okay
I might do something stupid like open up to you
and I’m really tired of getting close to people
and watching them leave me like I’m nothing
So don’t ask me if I’m okay
Unless you mean it

But if you really are genuine about it
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart

Sometimes people ask us the wrong questions, so we cannot give them the right answers. But the worst part is when we become those people and ask ourselves the wrong questions, because we are terrified of hearing the right answers.

Don’t ever use someone’s past against them. You’re just reminding them of the mistakes they made back then. If you watch their facial expressions carefully, then you’ll see the hurt in their eyes as they reminisce everything that happened. Never use emotions as a weapon, it strikes deeper than you can imagine.

I’m just so sick of everything, literally & figuratively okay bye x

If I Stay

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It probably seems like I cry over stupid shit but tbh I usually end up crying because I’ve stored up all of my upset feelings from multiple things rather than express them. And then the littlest thing sets me off, it might not seem like that big of a deal but when I’ve stored up that many negative emotions, the faucet behind my eyes just malfunctions. And the tears won’t stop. Because it takes a lot to pretend that everything is okay, and one small trigger is all it takes.

Wonderland

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Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am kind to everyone, but when someone is unkind to me,
weak is not what you are going to remember about me.

I think what hurts the most, is when you give your all to someone. Through thick and thin, you’re there for them unconditionally. You stick with them, no matter what. Then one day, they just give up on you. They won’t even fight for you. The one thing you would have never done, they did with no hesitation.

If you think about it hard enough, you’d start to realize that everything in life is nothing but a paradoxical joke. So many times, I find myself holding back, not taking certain chances, and it all boils down to one primary reason – I’m afraid. But why should we be afraid? What’s so great a strength that should possibly deter me from taking that single leap of faith, which would then lead to so, so much more than I could ever possibly imagine?

So I’ve learnt something new. It’s hard, but I’m trying, I’m trying to start the change. To stop minimizing & discounting your feelings. After all, you have every right to feel the way you do. Sure enough, your feelings may not always be logical, but they are always valid. Because if you feel something, then you feel it and it’s real & legit to you. It’s not something you can ignore or wish away. It’s there, gnawing at you, tugging at your core. You can’t just choose to “stop” these feelings from coming or resurfacing every now and then, just because of circumstances or things that happen along the way.

And in order to find peace within, you have to give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you feel. You have to let go of what you’ve been told you “should” or “shouldn’t” feel. You have to drown out the voices of people who try to shame you into silence. You have to listen to the sound of your own breathing & honor the truth inside you. Because despite of what you may believe, you don’t need anyone’s validation or approval to feel what you feel. Your feelings are inherently right and true. They’re important and they matter – because you matter, and it is really more than okay to feel what you feel. Don’t let anyone, including yourself, convince you otherwise.

Looking around and people-watching, I can’t help but notice how so many people seem to be walking around with a meaningless life – and I know this is a bold assumption, which I can’t help but to have. They seem half-asleep, even when they’re busy doing things they think are important. This is because they’re chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to create something that gives you purpose & meaning.

Lastly, I just wanted to point this out. Words cut deeper than knives. A knife can be pulled out, but words are embedded into our souls. So if you don’t mean something, then just spare us all the trouble of play pretense and not say it altogether, right from the very start. Because eventually the truth will come to light, and ultimately the joke will be on you. As a friend, I’ll tolerate it, for now. Continue stepping on my toes with your subtle yet bold actions, and you’ll face the wrath from me. I’m appalled by my misjudgement, and I’m sorry to say you officially lost the friend in me, in that particular instant. But for memories & old times sake, I’ll let it go just this once. Just so you know, I’m not to be messed with. When I bite back, it’s going to hurt a million times more than what you’re trying to do to me now.

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And if all those words you said to me actually meant something, maybe we wouldn’t be standing where we are today x

Broken Ones

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Cross your heart and say you’ve never given up
That you carried on when every door was shut
That you live, you live with no regret
We wear a smile to hide that we’ve been hurt before
Keep our disasters in a suitcase by the door,
‘Cause you know, you know we’re only human

So lay your hands on the left behind
We all know how it feels to be forgotten for a while
In a crowded place trying not to feel alone,
Just remember that we’ve all been broken once
Let’s love the broken ones
Love the broken ones

Raise your glass to all the words we never say
We do our best, but still we look the other way,
‘Cause sometimes it’s easier to run
‘Cause after all, we’re only human

So drained, too many thoughts on my mind. Such mixed feelings it’s … insane. Just when I thought things were turning better, life proves me otherwise.

I’ve seen the picture posted above quite a few times on tumblr & each time I see it, I feel drawn into it somehow. Perhaps it’s due to the fact that it’s sort of a spinoff from my favorite Disney movie, or perhaps it’s due to the black & white image. Monochromatic colors seem to be attracting me a lot these days. Whatever it is, it’s time to wake up from this dream & head back to reality.

The irony of words have always been playing with my heart/mind, whatever haha till the next time when I’m less drained to type a proper post x

Beautiful Stranger

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Like most misery, it started with apparent happiness.

I think one of the saddest things is when two people really get to know each other: their secrets, their fears, their favorite things, what they hate, what they love, literally everything; and then they go back to being strangers. It’s like you have to walk past them and pretend like you never knew them, never even talked to them before, when really, you know everything about them.

But it hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone, the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it’s so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn’t come back. You’re left so alone that you can’t explain.

For what it’s worth, I sincerely hope the better of things to come around soon. Because it hurts, to hurt. And ironically, it hurts even more, for trying to let go. I’m a mess of unfinished thoughts, and it scares me.

Remember yourself as a little girl, she is counting on you to protect her.

Till the next time x