Atelophobia

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I can feel it through your empty eyes & I can hear all the screaming thoughts in that chaotic mind of yours. One day you will realise that this moment and the ones before & after, will shape you into who you are and will be. Feelings are not permanent. Life is temporary. But you, you can take it & make it worthwhile.

cr: tumblr

The past weeks have been hectic & hence the lack of updates on endlessparadigm. It’ll be ridiculous to say that I’m burnt out since it’s only week 6 and I’ve barely started studying. Thank goodness for only one mid-terms this sem, although the tradeoff meant that more social agency visits & assignments are in place. Not complaining or regretting though, for those experiential learning will definitely serve as a good platform to gain more insights into the sphere of social work 🙂

On a sidenote, really miss the times when it was actually possible to have frequent meetups with friends. Really missing those two enjoying life in Korea currently, but thanks (especially Y!!) for always listening to the stuff I have to say and really promoting the free expression & freedom of speech in our conversations heh. Can’t wait to Skype you guys soon, and glad that nothing’s changed despite being a million miles away.

Not sure if it’s time to move on & attempt to close this certain chapter of my life – and yet I catch myself being unwilling/unable to bring myself to do so. After all, this still means a lot to me & I am still in the phase where I’m not willing to forgo it. Shall see how things progress along the way, and let things unfold naturally.

I don’t exactly know why I’m letting certain matters affect me more than they should, but through these I guess it reflects the importance of matters/people in my life? It’s the little things in life that mean the most, and it’s exactly these things that keep you motivated & keep going on. And yet it’s always those little things that defines you; and can either make or break you.

Honestly the transition isn’t easy, and I’m still trying to come to terms with everything that’s going on, the responsibilities, & dispelling the worries & what-nots, but it’s really harder than it seems. And I’m still trying, it’s tiring but I’m really, really, still trying. Muffled appeals for help will serve no purpose at all any longer anyway. Perhaps given the circumstances, it’s time to be truly independent. Let’s just hope I’m up for it.

Till the next time, for a breather x

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Fire

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It really sucks when everything slowly collapses, inch by inch, until the point where you just can’t hold them all at once. This time, it’s safe to say that I’m severely burnt out. And recent happenings just made things worse.

Are there better days? x

Conflicted Contradiction

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Life hasn’t been all that smooth-sailing these days with various matters occurring.

Mr LKY passed away peacefully on 23 March 2015. As the Founding Father of Singapore, he is, and will continue to be deeply respected. For it is a fact that Singapore will not be what she is today without Mr Lee. His contributions, the time and effort he put in building up this nation that we Singaporeans are proud to call our home, is undeniable. Morphing from a mere third world nation to being a first world nation in a short span of (less than) 50 years, look how much Singapore has progressed. I wouldn’t dare claim to be a true patriot, but I know when respect is due, and Mr Lee deserves such respect. I honestly don’t know the specificities of the contributions Mr Lee made for Singapore, but I do know that it’s his efforts which eventually allowed me to be typing away here safely, without any major worries of security, education or whatsoever.

Which led to the decision of queueing to bid our final farewells, to give our bows, and to pay our final respects to Mr LKY. It was heartwarming beyond words, to see how Singaporeans were caring for each other and distributing water/rations along the way to those who were queueing. It was heartening to realise how there were no complaints or whatsoever of the long queue. Thankful to my two dearest friends with whom I queued together with. Those 5 hours were made tolerable because of you two, honoured to have been able to pay our final respects together :’)

All for our Founding Father, Mr LKY. May you rest in peace, sir.

***

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Sometimes the questions are complicated, and yet the answers are simple.

Vulnerability is innate in me, I know that for a fact. Yet as much as I’m trying to control for this shortcoming, it just doesn’t seem to work out as planned. Perspective is something really important, yet too many perspectives can be tiring. Not sure of what to make of various situations currently, and yet it’s not possible to let things remain status quo. So confused and drained by everything 😦 Someone told me today, to take these matters as challenges and a learning process. Albeit the late realizations, it is definitely better late than never. It’s important to embrace these challenges, instead of dodging them; for they act like boomerangs, and it’s eventually going to come back anyway. When it feels scary to jump, that’s exactly when you jump. Otherwise, you’ll end up staying the same place your whole life. Clouded visions, no more.

Saw this quote from Tumblr which I really agree with:

I don’t think that anything happens by coincidence. No one is here by accident. Everyone who crosses our path has a message for us. Otherwise they would have taken another path, or left earlier or later. The fact that these people are here means that they are here for some reason.

And this relates with my strong belief of soul mates 🙂 I really appreciate people who spare time for me, or show care via various methods, albeit being all caught up in studies, commitments, or just life in general. As emphasised in previous posts, these little things really make a huge difference to me. If growing up means more problems to face along the way, then I don’t ever want to grow up. Because it does get tiring at times, especially times like these, when everything chooses to crash all at once in an unplanned manner.

Pondering over how life has been for the past few weeks, I can’t help but to really question:

Where are the promised better days?

May things get better for everyone. May there be less tragedies happening. May the world be filled with more kindness & happiness. Tough times don’t last, tough people do. But that’s before the stress accumulated causes one to snap into pieces. It’ll then hurt those who attempt to fix those shards of broken pieces. And yet, that’s the time you’ll know who truly matters to you.

A wounded heart seeks shelter in a heart it can trust x

Born to Die

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Please don’t ask if I’m okay
I might do something stupid like open up to you
and I’m really tired of getting close to people
and watching them leave me like I’m nothing
So don’t ask me if I’m okay
Unless you mean it

But if you really are genuine about it
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart

Sometimes people ask us the wrong questions, so we cannot give them the right answers. But the worst part is when we become those people and ask ourselves the wrong questions, because we are terrified of hearing the right answers.

Don’t ever use someone’s past against them. You’re just reminding them of the mistakes they made back then. If you watch their facial expressions carefully, then you’ll see the hurt in their eyes as they reminisce everything that happened. Never use emotions as a weapon, it strikes deeper than you can imagine.

I’m just so sick of everything, literally & figuratively okay bye x

Broken Ones

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Cross your heart and say you’ve never given up
That you carried on when every door was shut
That you live, you live with no regret
We wear a smile to hide that we’ve been hurt before
Keep our disasters in a suitcase by the door,
‘Cause you know, you know we’re only human

So lay your hands on the left behind
We all know how it feels to be forgotten for a while
In a crowded place trying not to feel alone,
Just remember that we’ve all been broken once
Let’s love the broken ones
Love the broken ones

Raise your glass to all the words we never say
We do our best, but still we look the other way,
‘Cause sometimes it’s easier to run
‘Cause after all, we’re only human

So drained, too many thoughts on my mind. Such mixed feelings it’s … insane. Just when I thought things were turning better, life proves me otherwise.

I’ve seen the picture posted above quite a few times on tumblr & each time I see it, I feel drawn into it somehow. Perhaps it’s due to the fact that it’s sort of a spinoff from my favorite Disney movie, or perhaps it’s due to the black & white image. Monochromatic colors seem to be attracting me a lot these days. Whatever it is, it’s time to wake up from this dream & head back to reality.

The irony of words have always been playing with my heart/mind, whatever haha till the next time when I’m less drained to type a proper post x

Beautiful Stranger

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Like most misery, it started with apparent happiness.

I think one of the saddest things is when two people really get to know each other: their secrets, their fears, their favorite things, what they hate, what they love, literally everything; and then they go back to being strangers. It’s like you have to walk past them and pretend like you never knew them, never even talked to them before, when really, you know everything about them.

But it hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone, the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it’s so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn’t come back. You’re left so alone that you can’t explain.

For what it’s worth, I sincerely hope the better of things to come around soon. Because it hurts, to hurt. And ironically, it hurts even more, for trying to let go. I’m a mess of unfinished thoughts, and it scares me.

Remember yourself as a little girl, she is counting on you to protect her.

Till the next time x

Falling Leaves

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Decisions, decisions. I was just thinking earlier today, how many wrong decisions & wrong paths does it take before you’re finally steered onto the right one? And who is eligible to discern what’s the right path in the first place anyway. Perhaps all decisions in life are meant to happen for a reason, with each being a valuable life lesson. However, is it worth it to experience all these, with the unhappiness & amount of time dedicated to these deterred choices?

Song to recommend: Family of the Year – Hero. It’s really, really therapeutic to listen to this song, discovered it from It’s Okay, It’s Love drama. Really bad time to be hooked to a drama but this drama is related to psychology so I guess that’s a legit reason? Gonna be done with this drama in 3 episodes hahaa strongly recommending it so go watch when y’all have the time. One of the conversations from this drama caught my attention:

Because deep emotional scars always have a way of making a person fall sick & ill. And that’s the scariest part.

So, so intriguing & fascinating, yet dangerous at the same time. Worthy topic to be pondering about during late nights (like these) haha. I’ll prolly post up some stuff soon because there are certain thoughts/perspectives lingering in my mind that I need to get out.

Read this somewhere today & it just tugged on my heart so, just wanted to share it here:

Do you remember the days we spent running under the stars? Those times we laughed so hard that the world thought we were crazy? But we didn’t care. We never did. It was a funny thing. At first it seems endless, as if for the first time the world had decided to stop, just for us. Just because those minutes were too precious to let go. But they slipped away, like water in a fist. And no matter how hard we tried to hold on to it, it always emptied.

Now, you’re gone. I can’t whisper to you the secrets of the world, like I used to. I can’t hold your hand or see your smile. But that’s okay. I know you’re waiting for me, just like I’d wait for you. Someday soon I’ll come and join you. Someday we’ll be together again.

Friday’s finally coming, this week has been a really tiring one somehow so yay to the upcoming weekend it’ll be awesome (as usual) x