Souls

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There is no person in the world who is made to handle every punch thatโ€™s thrown at them. We arenโ€™t made that way. In fact, weโ€™re made to get mad, upset, sad, be hurt, stumble & fall. We arenโ€™t supposed to be able to handle everything.

But sometimes, just sometimes, things might get too overwhelming.

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Courage

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Do you know what I mean when I say that sometimes I don’t have any feelings or emotions? I’m not in a good mood, or a bad mood. I just sit there, by myself, and think. I overthink sometimes. I think about what has happened, what will happen, and what could have happened. I think about you, I think about what’s wrong in my life, I think about how I can get myself out of this stage, I think about why I got here in the first place. I think about everything & anything.

Too many of us are not living our dreams, because we are living our fears. x

Tree of Life

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Life is too short. Stop spending time with the wrong people.
Stop spending time with people who suck the happiness out of you.
If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.
You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.

Never, ever stay with the person that continuously overlooks your worth.
Remember, it’s not the person that stands by your side when you’re at your best,
but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst.

The past few days have been better, so thankful for random snippets of conversations in my life that takes away the fatigue/tiredness from current issues faced. Trying to stay optimistic, to reaffirm certain thoughts, while taking things in stride & handling them one at a time. So, so thankful for people who’re willing to make time for me ๐Ÿ™‚

I’m a happy girl today because I finally got to meet my youths again yaaaay. And a bonus to have met my ex-youth, the only person who’d never fail to crash into me with a hug whenever we meet ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s really about witnessing their growth throughout the months/year that makes regular volunteering such a meaningful one. Mentored 3 youths today, so glad that they’re really participative & starting to contribute more in discussions as compared to last time.

Today’s workshop was on Authenticity, which is so apt for situations faced these days. The importance of being real & sincere, to show your true self and not wear masks over masks. Drew our Tree of Life, which was something that I found to be really meaningful. Starting with the roots, which represent our childhood & past influences; followed by the trunk, which represents our skills & abilities; and lastly the fruits, which represent hopes, dreams & wishes ๐Ÿ™‚ While getting to learn more about the aspiring dreams our youths have (and being really proud of them), it was a good chance to self-reflect as well. Hoping for my personal Tree of Life to continue growing as time passes ๐Ÿ™‚

Posted this intriguing thought before some time ago, and shall post it again now:

Isn’t it ironic how people are more willing to show their true selves when anonymity is ensured by hiding behind a mask?ย 

And yet, when you show your true self, it might only cause people to steer clear of you – for there exists a clash in personalities. To what extent should you wear your mask, to what extent should you show your true feelings & emotions? As much as it’s tiring to constantly wear different masks in different situations, it gets upsetting when your real self isn’t accepted.

Whatever it is, I still hold true to my belief that it’s important to treat everyone equally (as much as possible), and not make prior judgments before you really get to know the person for who they are. Take things heard with a pinch of salt, and do not blindly accept whatever that’s rumoured. I’m still trying, still learning, to be a better person.

Shall end this seemingly incoherent post with a quote that our social workers shared to end the session today:

Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.

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And today marked the first regular session our incoming committee attended. After seeing their interactions with our youths during the session today, I know for sure that YR is going to be safe in good hands for the approaching AY. So grateful, so thankful, yet so bittersweet about everything. May it be an amazing journey ahead for them, as it has been for me in the past year ๐Ÿ™‚

Alright till the next time x

Iridescent

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The cost of not following your heart is spending the rest of your life wishing you had.

I’ve always been fascinated over dreamcatchers and how they intrigue me so much, for reasons that extend beyond just its aesthetic appeal. No prizes for relating this fascination to my interest in dreams, or more specifically – the interpretation of dreams. Sometimes I really wonder if dreams hold any symbolism, and if they do, what do they mean? Recently I’ve been having dreams with the same content (albeit being presented in a different way each time). Not that I’m complaining because it’s an … ideal thing. But the sense of void upon waking up and realising that it was nothing but a dream really sucks.

I’ve seen enough in the past two days to discern for myself who some people really are. Where there were impressions that changed for the better, there have (regrettably) been impressions that change for the worse. But I’m not in a position to discern who’s right and who’s wrong – different people have different limits of tolerance, and I guess mine is running low at times.

Whatever it is, so thankful that the first phase of the project has concluded without any major issues ๐Ÿ™‚ Feeling a sense of fulfilment, albeit being unable to be the one collecting from the donors personally. But it still doesn’t defeat the purpose of committing, for every role is important and plays a crucial part in ensuring the overall execution of the project. So excited for the remaining phases, it’ll be tiring but more than worth it ๐Ÿ™‚

It has been almost a month since YR AC concluded, and I’m really missing my youths. Good thing that there’s session (and I wouldn’t have to miss it) tomorrow, so excited to see my youths again! ๐Ÿ™‚

Received a very timely message this morning from the person who inspired & pulled me into continuing my journey in CSC. There hasn’t been a time when I’m not thankful for her help, to integrate me into CSC and have faith in my abilities when I was full of self-doubt. In her message, she said:

Hope they have been good experiences and more importantly, hope they have helped you grow as a volunteer, leader, and person. Continue to love and spread the spirit of volunteerism!

So grateful for such role models in my life, and along the way in CSC, I’ve witnessed a few more people whom I really look up to, for their dedication is amazing, and their perspectives are such that I can really learn from, and expand my horizons in the volunteering sphere. Such an enriching experience thus far, and really expectant for the happier days (in volunteering) to come ๐Ÿ™‚

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Isn’t it strange that we talk least about the things we think about the most?

Till the next time x

2014

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Happy NYE everyone! This post will be the first since I turned 20. And this post will be the last of 2014. Taking some time to type & reflect on the year, guess it’s sort of a review post of how life has been in 2014 ๐Ÿ™‚ Disclaimer: It’s really long & boring, but I choose to document all of it down for myself, as a keepsake memory. It has been a tough yet interesting journey thus far,ย and I’m thankful that it’s going to be over soon, for 2015 will definitely be filled with even more fun, excitement and challenges that I (hope I can and) will conquer ๐Ÿ™‚

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Life as a psychology undergraduate in NUS

2014 marks the final sem of being a year 1, and proceeding on as a year 2 in uni. School hasn’t been easy on me, or perhaps I’m just a student inferior to others. But I truly enjoy what I study, and it’s nice to see the fruits of my hard labor in the results received recently – albeit not fantastic or impressive, but an improvement is all it takes to convince myself that it’s worth it. In 2014, I took modules that interest me the most (social + abnormal psychology). And this affirmed my dream of reading psychology :’)

Social psych taught me social skills & know-hows in daily interactions, it made me (slightly) more sensitive to people’s behaviors. I guess this is why people assume that psychologists can read minds, though it’s really more of just being more observant in certain things that others tend to neglect. Whatever it is, I still have a looong way to go ๐Ÿ™‚

Abnormal psychology taught me the art of empathy, yet at the same time to be less judgmental. It’s really important that we do not label people with disorders as “the person with depression” or whatsoever, but to accept & view them as who they are, for they are only humans who are less fortunate than others to be diagnosed with psychological disorders. And I finally got the chance to visit IMH through my course of study, which makes me really grateful ๐Ÿ™‚ It has provided me with fresh insights & what-nots, definitely will continue to volunteer @ IMH if I have the chance!

Overall, despite the hectic schedules as an undergraduate, where I experienced my first double 8am lectures in uni (which I will avoid to the best of my abilities from now on), it has been a fulfilling year in terms of studies ๐Ÿ™‚

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Life as a volunteer in CSC

2014 marks the year where I officially involved myself in volunteering once again, after a one-year hiatus in 2013. The first major event was the Adventure Camp held in June. Planning for the camp while rendering my services as the Secretary in the committee taught me loads of things, especially since this is the first time I’ve planned for a camp that’s held in Pulau Ubin. A foreign location naturally brings about more difficulties & uncertainties, but the camp made me revisit Guiding skills that I’ve missed, which makes me really happy because it brought back fond memories of Guiding with the pitching of tents & firelighting for outdoor cooking ๐Ÿ™‚

Then came theย biggestย decision I’ve made in 2014 – accepting the role of Vice Chairperson of Youth Rangers. It was a really tough choice & I was in a constant debate between acceptance & rejection of the role, for I wasn’t sure if I could handle the responsibilities that came with the title. After consulting & considering the various advice from friends, I decided to give it a try. I don’t regret the choice, albeit knowing that perhaps there might be someone out there who has better capabilities for this role. Because this choice has ultimately shaped & steered my volunteering journey to a different one – one that is more meaningful than all the volunteering experiences I’ve ever had in my life.

Being the VC has its pros and cons. For one, I’m really glad to have been given this opportunity, & it has led me to meet an awesome RVP Team AY14/15, especially the other Children/Youth sector chairpersons ๐Ÿ™‚ It has also allowed me to be more involved in the behind-the-scenes of volunteering, ranging from planning of events to attending countless meetings & gaining new insights from other fellow chairpersons. I can’tย emphasize how much importance volunteering takes in my heart, and it’s so so important to me that people volunteer because they have the genuine passion & heart to do so. It’s obvious when their reasons for volunteering are otherwise, but sometimes I choose not to say anything because well, it’s their choice, and as long as they don’t jeopardize anything, I guess I’m not in the position to judge or whatsoever.

I foresee changes in the future, in YR, and I’m hoping for the changes to be a good one. Since I officially accepted my certificate of appointment on 4 Sept 2014, I promise to make the best out of this AY, as the VC of YR. May things be smooth sailing from now on, and I’m confident to say that I’m no longer who I was in the past. The volunteering experience thus far has shaped me greatly and I’m thankful for that.

It’s really so heartwarming to see the youths acknowledging & being happy because of our presence & commitments, the fun & enjoyment that they display during sessions are what drives me to continue pushing on even if it’s a tough time ahead. Because as long as we have impacted & made a difference in contributing to the lives of our youths, I know that all the hard work is more than worth it ๐Ÿ™‚

Apart from YR, I’ve semi-involved myself as a volunteer in GAW during the wish adoption + party phases ๐Ÿ™‚ I had the opportunity to learn basic Braille during a workshop @ iC2 Prephouse, it was a really eye-opening experience! Attended 2 GAW Parties (iC2 Prephouse + BSS), and I’ve learnt a lot from both parties. Interacting with children of different backgrounds, with children who have slight disabilities in terms of sight, it really made me feel much more humble while seeing the amount they had to offer despite all the setbacks going on in their lives.

One semester left as a member of YR Comm, & I’m going to make sure things get better, and that it’s the best yet. Looking forward to the continuation of rendering my services in CSC, as volunteering continues to play a significant role in my journey to self-discovery & fulfillment! ๐Ÿ™‚

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Life as a tourist in Korea

This is definitely one of the highlights of 2014. My first independent 15-day holiday trip overseas with friends! Thank you to the best travelling buddies I could ever ask for, I really love how our travelling styles & preferences etc all complement each other so well, and that the trip concluded so memorably without any arguments or whatsoever. I had the best time of my life in Korea, and am already looking forward to future trips together with this awesome bunch! In these 15 days, I’ve been to Jeju + Seoul, and it was a really interesting experience.

Hobo-ed at Incheon Airport overnight for the first time in my life, and it was such a historical moment where we coincidentally managed to meet various k-idols (including our bias group INFINITE!!!!) while hobo-ing overnight. What a pleasant surprise it was, I’ll never forget how it felt omg :’) Aaaand I met my bias Dongwoo’s parents by visiting their family restaurant! Thank you my dearest friends for scheduling that into our triip & not giving up despite getting lost for a while in an attempt to find the restaurant (there was even a slight drizzle)! It was simply … magical HAHA. Conversing with Dongwoo’s dad, and him being so enthusiastic about taking a picture with us that he even made sure that Dongwoo’s poster will be captured in the picture! And Dongwoo’s mom personally feeding us (although the spicy octopus really made me have legit tears), such awesome fan service that his parents gave to fans (especially since they knew we were not local fans but international fans!) I’ll definitely head back to their family restaurant the next time I go to Korea, and sincerely appreciate the warm hospitality that they served us with!

From randomly following this rookie group at Myeongdong whom we initially didn’t know of (and subsequently found out they were B.I.G.), to all the crazy shopping & fun times in Jeju/Seoul, thank you to Yumin, Sheryin & Amanda for the memorable Korea trip ๐Ÿ™‚ Here’s to more #guesswhatadventures to come in the future!

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Life as a music fanatic

In 2014, I attended 2 concerts! Avril Lavigne Live in Singapore 2014 on 15 Feb, and The Red Tour by Taylor Swift on 12 June.

After being a Black Star since primary school days, I finally got to enjoy Avril Lavigne’s concert live for the first time ever! Made sure to get the best tickets with the best view, and saying that Avril is awesome irl is a major understatement omg. Can’t wait for her next album to be out, since it has been almost 2 years since she released her fifth self-titled studio album. Her sincerity & confidence in her performance really deserves the utmost admiration from all her black stars indeed, may her songs continue to serve as my therapy in the future! Taylor Swift was incredible live as well, and her stage performances & entertainment level is insane. Thankful to have gotten the chance to attend both concerts this year ๐Ÿ™‚

I’m hoping for Lana Del Rey to come for a tour in Singapore in the future! Her album Ultraviolence released earlier this year has been on replay for the longest time ever, there’s just something about the songs by Lana Del Rey that is so addictive.

Infinite released 2 albums this year,ย Season 2 + Season 2 Repackage, and both albums are nicely sitting on my shelf hee. Infinite songs are definitely my favorite in Kpop, and Last Romeo + Back (both of their title tracks this year) literally blew my mind away. I really love how much sincerity they put in each of their performances on stage, where they actually sing live despite their dance being really tough & energy draining. Definitely going to continue supporting Infinite by being their loyal Inspirit! It has been said that Infinite H will be having a comeback in January, Infinite in February, and Sunggyu with his second solo album some time next year. Hence, I foresee 2015 being an awesome year for Infinite already, may all their group/unit/solo comebacks be successful! ๐Ÿ™‚

Amidst all the songs from specific singers, I’m glad to have stumbled upon loads of other random English songs with lyrics that resonate deeply within me, that I can relate to, and that are applicable for different moods etc.

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Life as who I am

In 2014, I’ve learnt a lot and gained loads of valuable experience, to continue shaping my future for who I’m meant to be. One recurring topic is undoubtedly “friends”, as I realized how people seem to loosely classify (& I used to be guilty of that as well) acquaintances as friends. This year, I’ve realized who my true friends are, who are the friends meant to stick around, and who aren’t the sincere ones. This year, I had the chance of several friendships resurfacing, from years ago. And I’m really glad it happened, because it does feel good & reassuring to be able to reminisce & share freely about things, to people who were once in my life (and have re-entered thankfully).

Lost friendships might be hard to revive, but for what’s it worth, the effort put in by both parties will definitely keep it going. I really like how it isn’t awkward at all despite losing contact for years ๐Ÿ™‚ I guess this goes to show the genuine core of what friendship should entail ๐Ÿ™‚

And I’m more than grateful to those whom I’ve been talking on a regular/daily basis. No need for mentions, you guys know who you are. Thank you for tolerating all the nonsense & enduring all my rants/frustrations etc. It hasn’t been easy, I’m sure of that, but thanks for sticking around :’) It means so much to me. Old is gold indeed, I wouldn’t trade you guys for any other, not now not ever.

Living life as a 19 y-o and turning 20 so so recently, I’ve grown to notice the amount of independence needed in my life. Things aren’t the same as what they were when I was young, safe in my comfort zone & protected from all ’em unpleasant happenings. But this is a learning & growing process. As we make mistakes, we learn from them, we rebound, and get back up stronger than before.

This year continued to touch me with endearing birthday wishes/messages, all of which I read well & will hold the words close to my heart :’) Thank you for all the birthday wishes/dedications, spending time to meet me & what-nots, planning surprises, and all the handwritten birthday letters! For I’m still old-fashioned when it comes to this, but handwritten letters really hold so much significance than any other. So thank you to everyone and yes, I’m finally 20! ๐Ÿ™‚

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May 2015 be a better year for everyone, with less tragedies happening & more happiness spread throughout. Going to make a 2015 new year resolution since I’m turning 21 next year, but probably not going to post it up since it’s more private haha. First two weeks of 2015 really packed & hence ensuring that the beginning of 2015 will be a blast, may it be a meaningful & insightful year ahead, where everyone gets what they wish/aim for :’) Put behind whatever unhappiness or grudges incurred in 2014, and welcome 2015 with a fresh start, an open mind, and a hopeful heart!

With this, I conclude my final post on endlessparadigm in 2014. Till the next time we meet, in 2015 x

20152015, bring it on. I’m ready.

Rewind

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Stop comparing where you’re at with where everyone else is. It doesn’t move you farther ahead, improve your situation, or help you find peace. It just feeds your shame, fuels your feelings of inadequacy, and ultimately, it keeps you stuck. The reality is that there is no one correct path in life. Everyone has their own unique journey.

And … thank you for making me realize the importance of this ๐Ÿ™‚

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Beautiful Stranger

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Like most misery, it started with apparent happiness.

I think one of the saddest things is when two people really get to know each other: their secrets, their fears, their favorite things, what they hate, what they love, literally everything; and then they go back to being strangers. It’s like you have to walk past them and pretend like you never knew them, never even talked to them before, when really, you know everything about them.

But it hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone, the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it’s so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn’t come back. You’re left so alone that you can’t explain.

For what it’s worth, I sincerely hope the better of things to come around soon. Because it hurts, to hurt. And ironically, it hurts even more, for trying to let go.ย I’m a mess of unfinished thoughts, and it scares me.

Remember yourself as a little girl, she is counting on you to protect her.

Till the next time x