L’espoir

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There is nothing good or bad but thinking makes it so. -William Shakespeare 

So tempted to just abandon all commitments for a day & just embrace books after books (and no I’m not talking about textbooks), haven’t read from a physical book in a pretty long while and that greatly upsets me because reading is (one of) my form(s) of escapism from reality. Caught myself drifting to Times/Popular Bookstores everytime I’m out & about, just to browse through the books displayed. Holding back (self-control gosh) not to read Me Before You by Jojo Moyes yet till the movie hits the big screen – the extended trailer looks so, so good, I’m a sucker for movies of this genre, almost sure I’ll bawl at some point in time during the movie *o*

Life hasn’t been the best yet in the past week but I’m starting to pick up the pieces of me that I left behind along the way. Heightened self-awareness leads to more probing of oneself, which in some sense is beneficial, but definitely tiring. Still trying to come to terms & rationalise certain emotions that I’m feeling, but it’s easier said than done & I’m honestly drained. Tired of how thoughts inevitably start going in circles & coming to no conclusion ultimately; could this possibly mean that I actually have a conclusion in mind that I refuse to accept, thus I’ll just choose to ignore it?

The heart dies a slow death, shedding each hope like leaves, until one day there are none.
No hopes. Nothing remains.
– Arthur Golden

I learnt that ambiguity is a dangerous thing. Ambiguity leaves room for imagination, and with imagination comes the glimmer of hope. With hope comes expectations, and when expectations aren’t met, things start spiralling down. Who’s there to blame ultimately? Is it the people who failed to meet your expectations? Or should the blame be directed towards nobody but yourself, for having the audacity to hope? I’m in desperate need of some clarity in my life now.

On a lighter note, amidst my crazy busy hectic insane schedule, I managed to head down to different RVPs to volunteer yay 🙂 Not a stranger to most of these places as I’ve headed down previously, but volunteering makes my heart feel so, so full every single time ❤ Gaining new insights with every interaction I have with the beneficiaries, understanding them better, and through them, I understand myself a little more each time. The hours spent volunteering each week are the hours where I get to temporarily put down whatever baggage I have, leave my worries aside, and really enjoy myself in that short time span. And for that, I’m beyond grateful for the breather. Skeptical about how much impact I could have left in their lives from a mere visit or two, but thankful for such opportunities, albeit acknowledging that there’s more I could do for them. Hope they enjoyed my presence as much as I loved their accompaniment 🙂

Food for thought – if we are introducing adhoc into regularity for somewhat personal reasons of growth & learning, are we actually doing more harm than good to those involved? For one, my heart really, really broke when I witnessed a particular scene recently hmm.

Another food for thought – I’m starting to recognise the importance of passion in tiding one through difficulties & issues. I used to acknowledge this truth, but only till recent did I truly embrace the significance of passion.

Week 12 isn’t going to be easy, but as with all tough times previously, we’ll tide through it. The severe lack of sleep from the past few days is starting to take its toll on me, wonder how long it’ll be before I reach my breaking point. So much for testing boundaries and limits haha.

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P.S. I finally got my hands on new calligraphy nibs hehe, time to practice more English calligraphy when I’m free 🙂

x

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C’est la vie

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Life is a race, it’s a marathon, but you’re sprinting all the way. (Ng, 2016)

And that’s when you start to feel exhausted, that’s when you start to walk on margins. And that’s when you realise, you’re only human, even though everyone expects more.

x

Jaded

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Time will pass; these moods will pass; and I will, eventually, be myself again.

Constantly in the struggles of wanting to confide in my friends, yet feeling apologetic for having to burden them with my issues. Thank you to the ones who spent time making sure that I’m okay, for listening to my worries and for being present to reassure me 🙂 To the ones who’ve been staying up all night for me, I’m genuinely touched & grateful, thanks for being so selfless even though I just keep going on & on about the same problems. It hasn’t been an easy semester, there are still many things in life that I’m learning to come to terms with, and it doesn’t help that more insecurities are surfacing along the way. For one, I’ll need to start being a better friend.

Not sure if they are considered irrational beliefs, or perhaps it’s a heightened level of self-awareness that’s the root of all these frustrations. That’s the thing about being a Social Work student I feel, we are trained to increase our level of self-awareness, to start identifying our personal irrational beliefs, to be clear of our stands/values & what-nots, and to rationalise the emotions we’re facing. Ignorance is a bliss at times, but sadly, ignorance is something we can’t afford in this helping profession.

Don’t get me wrong though, I’m not regretting this journey – it has been one filled with fun & laughter, and every lesson serves as a learning experience that offers new perspectives & to gain new insights 🙂 May I truly be able to find the style of helping that suits me soon. Love exchanging thoughts & perspectives with other Social Work students, the culture in this major is so, so welcoming, even for someone so afraid of social interactions like me.

There are things that are learnt the hard way, and someone told me this recently: Be willing to go alone sometimes. You don’t need permission from anyone to grow. Not everyone who started with you will finish with you. And that’s okay. So apt, too apt.

4 more submissions + 2 more presentations to go before the end of the semester. Please let me survive ugh. Then summer will arrive and bring about a new & different kind of crazy altogether x

P.S. latest song addiction – 7 Years by Lukas Graham *o*

Soon there will be nothing left of us except for the words and the memories that bounce around inside our hearts and our lungs, nothing except the ghost of each other’s eyes and staying up talking about what will become of our lives, but neither of us could have expected it to end like this.

Almost

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How many bad days do you have to get through to finally deserve a good day because honestly, I need a break.

Read this quote on Tumblr and it struck me so hard, it’s the perfect reflection of what I’m going through these days. It’s getting difficult again, balancing everything and more importantly, coming to terms with my emotions.

Sometimes, you feel as though it’s you against the world. On nights like these, when all you crave for is to be understood, what you get in return is nothing but bouts of disappointment, in the world, in the people around you, in yourself.

It’s easy for people to advise and preach about how there are better things to focus on, instead of moping in the whirlpool of emotions that tend towards negativity. It’s easy for people to tell you to leave the past behind, for what’s done cannot be undone. But have they ever realised, that perhaps, some things can never be left behind no matter how hard you try. Perhaps, these things don’t belong to the past. Perhaps, these things belong to you.

A few days ago, I randomly chanced upon this post that was left in the cobwebs of drafts and never made it to endlessparadigm. It was an unfinished post, one that was filled with irony in comparison to the state of my life currently. Since the post was drafted, so much has changed. Something quoted from a (used to be) close friend, that was said in the unfinished post was:

Always trust in the person until they break your trust.

The amount of weight that statement carries right now is just so, so suffocating. And I realised how reluctant I am to have had to let go of the friendship. I know there isn’t any point in harping on it anymore, and trust me when I say that I’ve contemplated endless times on whether I should attempt to revive the friendship. But like the cliché saying goes, it takes two hands to clap. For what it’s worth, I don’t want to be the one trying while knowing the outcome right from the very start. Because truth be told, I’m tired. I’m tired of trying, and maybe I’m selfish but I’d rather live in oblivion of the harsh truth of reality.

But at the same time, there’s that curiosity, there’s the need for closure. What should you do, when you’re experiencing hopeful sadness? Or rather, what could you do, when you’re handicapped by so many factors?

Sometimes you need to distance yourself and create alone time – so you can connect with who you really are, and discover for yourself what you want out of life.

Almost wasn’t quite enough for me. Till the next time x

Heartbeat

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We’re all scared most of the time. Life would be lifeless if we weren’t. Be scared, and then jump into that fear. Again and again. Just remember to hold on to yourself while you do it.

Had a fun time with (part of) 14MC for MC Photoshoot earlier today 🙂 Really excited and hopeful for the term ahead with 14MC, it won’t be an easy path, but at the end of our term, hopefully we will all be able to look back and have many fond memories etched in our minds/hearts for the rest of our lives 🙂 Glad that I’m given the platform to pursue something that I’m passionate about, hoping that everything will work out eventually. Things have been made easier with a bunch of fun people to work with, I’ll definitely be at a loss without all of their guidance & advice. May 14MC be more bonded, serve CSC well in our various positions, be more active as a volunteer on-the-ground, and have fun while we’re at it 🙂

Received the results of my (one & only) midterms, glad I didn’t screw it up despite studying for it only the night before. Perks of it being a psychology-related social work module, and that it was an MCQ test haha. Need to start mugging for finals soon after all the submissions are over; 3 submissions this week + 1 next week, can’t wait to have the time to fully concentrate on finals! Rather determined to do well (or at least decent) this semester, especially since it’s my first semester taking social work modules hee. Social work studies have been really insightful thus far, and it opened my eyes to many details that I’ve overlooked in the past. May the subsequent modules of social work in upcoming semesters be as fulfilling as this semester has been 🙂

Normality is subjective – it’s a social construct, and it’s perceived in different ways, from different point of views, depending on how you define it to be. What constitutes actions/thoughts that are supposedly normal anyway? Been doing quite a bit of soul searching amidst the busy days, trying to understand what I truly want and what matters more. It’s unhealthy to harp onto things/thoughts that don’t deserve any attention, or even contributing to the sadness faced for that matter. Sometimes it’s inevitable to clutch onto those memories in hope for a reoccurrence even though we know it’s not going to happen. And over-reliance is a big no-no.

But then I realised – you can’t find someone who will fix you. That’s not how it works. You’re supposed to find someone who inspires you to fix yourself. Not someone who thinks all your flaws are perfect, but someone who challenges them; someone who can tell you that you can rise above the past and learn to love & trust again. No one will show up in your life with the magic words to chase the demons away. But one day you will meet someone who will make you want to fight them off yourself, because they deserve nothing less than your best.

Being positive doesn’t mean pretending everything is okay all the time. It means acknowledging your feelings & realising that you have the power to overcome any obstacle. It means realising that although you can’t control your circumstances, you can always see the silver lining. There is always a silver lining.

Late nights serve as an apt time to craft such thought-provoking posts, enjoying the peace & tranquility that only nights can provide. Alright back to socio-cultural theories in social work assignment, hoping to complete it before sunrise haha. Productivity level needs to increaseee haha.

P.S. Really a sucker for flowers & helium balloons, so pretty omg hahah okay till the next time x

Presque Vu

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You know what I think we are most afraid of? Not knowing. Not knowing whether it’s all really worth it. Not knowing if you should give up or keep fighting. Not knowing why you do the things you do; not knowing the purpose. It’s like when you were little and you touch the stove and get burnt because you didn’t know that it was hot. Not knowing has always hurt us, from the very beginning.

Time has really flown past really quickly this semester, it’s already mid-week of W10. The past few weeks have been busy with meetings, projects, assignments & what-nots. Sometimes the fatigue takes its toll, while other times, it just makes life seem more fulfilling. Whatever it is, I feel the growth – I’ve really learnt a lot in the past months, be it in terms of studies or enhancing aspects of my volunteering journey.

Successfully completed our first VW event as 14MC on Monday 🙂 Bottomline, the volunteers who came for the event shared that they had fun, and that’s the most important thing isn’t it? Thankful for the MC’s efforts from the pre-prep phases to the actual event itself, and post-event clearing up. There’s so much more that we can do to improve, but we all learn from our mistakes & we need to ensure that we don’t make the same mistakes anymore. Happy (belated) 13th Birthday CSC, thanks for being a club that feels like home 🙂 & for letting me see what I truly want in life.

Sometimes it’s easy to feel like you’re the only one in the world who’s struggling, who’s frustrated, or unsatisfied, or barely getting by. But that feeling’s a lie. And if you just hold on, just find the courage to face it all for another day and someone, or something, will find you and make it all okay. Because we all need a little help sometimes. Someone to help us hear the music in our world. To remind us that it won’t always be this way. That someone is out there, and that someone will find you.

Till the next time x