It was real. Somewhere between the stars, the lights, I discovered that what we had was real. For a long time I wondered if, while walking by my side, you ever saw it that way, that we had every chance to make it. I saw each footstep we left behind being absorbed, disappearing instantly into collecting pools of water that erased all evidence of us being there. I wondered if the words I spoke to you were more like our footsteps, or the rain; if they covered up the scar of words that foot stepped across your heart, left by those who tried to walk the same uncertain path before me, or if they joined them. I stepped, I spoke, I stopped, and your words fell like rain.
It’s midway through week 8 of school and it has been really, really tiring. Staying up till almost sunrise just to complete assignments, prepare for tutorials, finalise materials for presentations. I really need better time management, and to learn to take things in stride, for currently I just feel so overwhelmed with everything on hand. Typing this post at 3am, as a midway break before I continue trudging through my assignment (yet again).
And recently, I keep getting the question of how I’m coping in my new major, whether I’m regretting the switch, etc etc. I don’t regret I really don’t 🙂 In fact, I’m so appreciative of the many chances for experiential learning, be it NHS or just mere social agency visits. It allows for a step into the sphere of reality in this field, something that theories will never be able to compensate for. And yet it gets upsetting hearing the stories/cases shared, to know that there are so many people out there who require help and assistance – but at least by having a case opened for them, there’s that glimmer of hope. And there are those who fall through the cracks, which results in the inability to receive as much help as they actually need. Hopefully policies will be improved to be more inclusive hmm, but then again there are the pros & cons attached to every decision made.
Increasingly I start feeling the sense of helplessness, the muffled cries of despair; things that you’d have comforted me for in the past, but no longer the present. I hate it whenever I catch myself thinking that I could turn to you to share the details of my life that I used to share – it used to be so natural, and now all that’s left is the sense of void. It’s like this wall built up even higher than before, I don’t even dare to let my thoughts wander there anymore – the hurt’s real. I guess the closure will never be there, because all I’d really want to ask is, “What happened to us?” but I’m afraid of knowing the answer. It’ll forever remain a mystery that’s unsolved, which is a pity because of … well many reasons. I’m just naive to think that promises hold.
On a happier note, I’m glad to be bale to spend time with our youths again today 🙂 They really are my happy little pills – when I was sharing about the programme with a fellow Social Work major, she commented “you must really enjoy your sessions, I can hear the happiness when you’re talking about your youths”; nothing can be more true than that. Our youths will always hold a special spot in my heart – and I hope they will all grow up to pursue their dreams that they shared with us, to be able to attain the freedom and happiness that they’ve always yearned for.
& thank you A for meeting up for lunch earlier this week, it was a much needed break from the insanity faced throughout the weeks (although we aren’t exactly very sane whenever we meet up haha); & thanks Y for the frequent random topics in our chat that always helps to make the long train rides seem much more tolerable. & most importantly, sorry to anyone who felt a certain hostility from me in chats – trust me the fault is entirely on me, the past few weeks haven’t been easy to get by and it’s really getting to me. The last thing I’d want is for any misunderstandings to occur because of my lack of replies (again), or the fact that I don’t sound as “enthusiastic” these days haha.
Sometimes I can’t help but to wonder, all these trade-offs, are they worth it? x