Maps

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I am not a perfect person. I can make mistakes anytime.
But still, I love those people who stay with me after knowing the real personality behind me.

Thank you for accepting me for who I am.

& I love it when someone becomes a part of your daily routine.
It’s nice to talk to someone who wants to talk to you just as much, without anything feeling forced.

There is way more in life than just being buried in books, & yesterday night proved that point so aptly ๐Ÿ™‚ Therapeutic at its best indeed. But okaaaay as an undergraduate, I should still prioritize my studies so … off to mug again! 3 more papers, 4 more days. Can’t wait for post-finals x

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No Better Than Strangers

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So drained these days, but holding on because of the people around me. Everyone’s really stressed out over upcoming finals & what-nots, and it’s kind of ironic because as much as people say grades do not define us, it does matter, as an undergraduate. Thank you to all the welfare from ’em friends, such gestures really serve as a motivation boost to continue hanging in there. Can’t wait for finals to be over, it’s just 16 days more yaaaay. Hoping for the best for everyone, may we all achieve ideal results in the upcoming finals ๐Ÿ™‚

Congratulations to Lovelyz for finally being able to debut :’) It has been a long wait for Woollim girls indeed, may their debut be worthwhile, although they are off to a rocky start (evidently). For those unsure of what I’m talking about, click here to read this really, really detailed & long update about what’s going on (cr: koreanboo). With member Jisoo being embroiled in this controversy/rumour, it really diminishes the worth of all other scandals in the industry in 2014. Despite reading various varied views & perspectives on this matter, it’s a fact that we will never know the absolute truth. That’s the thing about humans, being trained to deceit so skillfully it’s becoming so … scary. Really hoping that all the accusations against Jisoo aren’t true, but if it is, may legal action be taken towards her, for all the wrong-doings & crimes that she has committed in the past. Should the accusations towards her be true, I can’t imagine the amount of stress & hurt felt by the alleged victims … landing themselves into depression, performing acts of suicide, all because of one girl. It’s so scary to think that anyone is even capable of such acts in the first place, and she’s of the same age as me.

One thing that struck me particularly was something that the alleged victims said in their latest updates:

Society doesn’t look upon us with favor, so we don’t have much power.
The louder we speak the bigger the stone that is thrown at us.

Don’t you think it’s rather saddening how these supposed “minorities” are looked down upon & heavily stigmatized in society? Why can’t people just be accepting for what all these individuals are. Society is so ugly, letting certain traits of people be defining them so carelessly. What people need to realize, is really to see the bigger picture, and view them as human beings. Step out of your little bubble of your so-called perfect world, and see that despite the flaws in the world, the differences that people might have, you aren’t the prototype of ideal – nobody is. Perhaps stepping back & viewing the world as it is, will allow you to feel more humble & not be so judgmental of everything that you perceive to be correct. Because it’s difficult to be objective, but it’s much needed.

To be honest, my stand on this matter keeps swaying sides with each new piece of information popping out, and I wouldn’t exactly say that I’m definite she’s guilty or whatsoever. It has been really interesting discussing this matter with quite a few friends, but honestly everything is just so ambiguous & confusing now. This matter is really spiraling to become such a huuuuge scale & involving/hurting so many people in the process. May the truth come to light soon, and the real culprit(s) get what she/they deserve(s), and end the sufferings for the true victim(s).

Alright it’s time to hit the books again, till the next time x

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Ride

But the truth is we never really grow up.

We just masquerade as adults,

because that’s what we’re expected to do.

Really short update because I don’t want to neglect this space just because of the upcoming exams (though I’ll acknowledge the importance of finals). The past few days have been … mugging & mugging, and more mugging. Not that I’m complaining, I’m actually really enjoying what I study now. It’s just the concept of “exams” and “grades” that really irks me, as though we’reย forced to study just because weย need/want to get good grades. Who says I can’t be reading up about these psych stuff because I’m genuinely interested, exams or not? But then again, society makes everything boil down to performing well in such tests … and hence it’s back to hardcore mugging ultimately for the sake of good grades. Well at least I’m enjoying, I really am. I see true meaning in the things that I’m studying (well maybe one or two mods are an exception), but otherwise all else is good ๐Ÿ™‚

‘been listening to 4 songs on replay while mugging (courtesy of sis who let me download the songs into her phone ‘cos my iTunes has … certain issues which forbid me from adding songs currently ugh). These songs are more of the slow/ballad kinds, not upbeat, perfect for mugging ๐Ÿ™‚ Not sure if I actually work well with listening to music while mugging but at least it keeps me more focused somehow, while the music I listen to drift into the background. It’s there, but I’m not paying attention to it as much, but at least it’s there. Go figure what the effects are haha, ‘cos honestly I’m not really sure too. Anyway the 4 songs are:

Ride – Lana Del Rey

West Coast – Lana Del Rey

Gods & Monsters – Lana Del Rey

House on a Hill – The Pretty Reckless

So evidently I’m a fan of LDR. West Coast is the first single released from her upcoming album Ultraviolence, the other two are from the Paradise Edition of Born to Die album released some time last year. There’s just something about the songs of LDR and her voice that matches so well & makes you fall deep into, nothing else really matters when you’re listening to her songs, it’s almost finding the peace within. The last song of the listย House on a Hill, it was a looong process of how I got to know of this song. First I saw on twitter that Taylor Momsen (acted as Jenny Humphrey in Gossip Girl series) was quitting acting for good to focus on her music career – which shocked me because I didn’t actually know she was the lead vocals of a band (aka The Pretty Reckless). So I decided to give their album a try, and out of all the songs in their second studio album (released earlier this year), this ballad caught my attention almost immediately ๐Ÿ™‚ And gosh I miss watching Gossip Girl, shall rewatch all 6 seasons after finals. And also to finish watching Pretty Little Liars season 4, can’t wait for Season 5 to be out omg *o*

Oh and Avril Lavigne is releasing her Hello Kitty music video in 2 days’ time, so damn excited for it like all the little black stars in my twitter timeline ๐Ÿ™‚ And of course patiently waiting for Give You What You Like music video to drop as well. Awesome songs from her latest self-titled album, definitely worth a listen so please do when you can hee.

Alright it’s probably time to get off endlessparadigm, going to prepare some stuff for Char before I’ll commence mugging for the day. It’s tiring but it’ll be worth it – at least that’s what I always tell myself at times like these, don’t know if I’m delusional or psychoing myself into studying haha whoops.

8 more days till the first paper of finals, may these final 8 days of pre-finals mugging be nothing but productive. All the best to everyone who’s handling exams currently, it’ll be over all too soon before you know it, so persevere & it’ll be alright.

So till the next time x

Beating Heart

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If only there could be an invention that bottled up a memory, like scent.

And it never faded, never got stale.

And then, when one wanted it, the bottle could be uncorked,

and it would be like living the moment all over again.

Realised I haven’t been posting much these days, blame it on the stress from school, blame it from the lack of self-discipline, blame it on the laziness or whatever haha. Decided to post a quick one before I start the day proper, aka mugging/final assignment etc!ย 

Finals are approaching really quickly, ended the final project for the sem yesterday, and just when I thought I was done with assignments as well … one final assignment pops up during lecture ytd & it’s freaking due this Saturday ugh, hopefully I won’t end up screwing it up though I really don’t understand how to approach the assignment at all. Shall spend some time staring at it later in an attempt for some inspiration for what to write haha sigh alright perseverance is the key to success.

Yesterday was the worst day of the year so far, down with stomach flu/food poisoning. Felt really nauseous & ended up vomiting approximately 10 times or so within an hour, while waiting for my mum to fetch me home (in turn causing me to pon a lecture but I guess this is a legit reason). Literally felt like dying, uncomfortable/miserable is an understatement of what I felt yesterday. Kept breaking out into a cold sweat, could barely walk a few steps without feeling like I was going to wobble and fall, really light-headed. Basically one word: Bad. And I don’t ever want to experience that ever again. Thankful for medicine at home, took them and crashed for a few hours, woke up feeling slightly better & managed to keep apple slices down. But felt slightly nauseous again at approximately 10pm, so took med & headed to bed for an insanely early night. With all that said, thankful for the friends who showed concern, feeling waaaay better already ๐Ÿ™‚ At least better than the mess I was yesterday haha. Can’t afford to be ill anymore with finals just round the corner, everyone please stay safe & healthy!

Really worried about something although I know I shouldn’t. If it’s meant to be, it will be. And if it isn’t, then it just isn’t. Shouldn’t worry/dwell too much into such thoughts. I guess it’s cos of hope, that’s making me so anxious. Ah well, shall wait out, and see how things unfold from there (: In the meantime I will stop thinking about it.

Beating Heart, the title of this post – the title of a song by Ellie Goulding ๐Ÿ™‚ Freaking awesome song that’s really unique, and it’s one of the soundtracks for Divergent (which I have yet to watch omg). Recommended by Adelyn, so before listening to Beating Heart I knew I’ll love the song already. Because since 2007, every song recommended by Adelyn are songs that suit my taste. Beating Heart is really worth a listen, downloaded it & it’s currently on replay mode. Many many songs/albums to check out after finals, can’t wait to go song hunting! And Lana Del Rey’s going to release her album sooon, can’t wait for the first single West Coast to be out. Apparently the style of her upcoming album Ultraviolence will be similar to her previous albums, this is getting me so hyped up already hee.

My motivation for getting through finals is in 83 days’ time. I know it’s too early to countdown but I can’t help because it’s just so exciting + talking to Yumin & Sheryin about it every other day/how we are slowly starting to plan etc is making me look forward to it a lot. Time needs to fly past quickly, as long as finals are over, the freedom will set in omg hee & proper planning will start!

As the exam stress kicks in, everyone tends to get moodier & what-not. And I feel detached from the world & from my friends (prolly cos I reply less frequently idk), although it’s quite a nice feeling to be taking a break from social media/society in general. Slowly pulling away and cooping up in my safe haven, pondering over things that were once neglected due to the fast-paced lives we lead. Despite all that, I feel unspeakably lonely, and I feel drained. Really drained. It is like a blank state of mind and soul that can’t be described as it probably won’t make any difference. It’s like a private feeling I get – that of melting into a perpetual nervous breakdown. I am often questioning myself what I want to do, who I wish to be; which parts of me, exactly, are still functioning properly. And yet no answers, no answers at all.

Till the next time x

I never told you

“Love goes two ways.”ย 

Yumin told me that just now & I realised how true it is. Hence posting it here, it’s a simple sentence with 4 mere words and yet it’s so deep in its meaning. So many different types of love exist – admiration/friends/attraction etc. Love really goes both ways, it can either make you the happiest or saddest girl on earth. It’s amazing how much love can turn moods up & down in the blink of an eye.

Should be on a hiatus to concentrate on mugging for finals but I had to blog about the above quote before I forget so … here’s an update! Kind of tired of mugging already, but yeah have no choice but to persevere and press on. 12 more days before finals end, I can do this (:

Immense gratitude to the people who’ve stuck by me all these while, who’ve been listening to me rant & what-nots, showing care and concern for me in all ways possible, these people are the one who keep me going, when times get rough :’) Can’t wait for finals to be over really. Realised how much more appreciative I’ve been as compared to past years, but it’s a good thing right? It’s important to cherish all ’em loved ones.

V told me some time last week that mugging shouldn’t be because we have to do it, but because we want to do it. That way it will be so much more productive. And it dawned upon me how true that is, it’s a sudden realisation, something so simple yet important – something that I’ve failed to appreciate all these while. Putting aside all the requirements & what-nots, mugging turns a whole lot better & waaay more meaningful, if we mug because weย want to, not out of obligations or whatsoever. Thank you V, for making me realize how important it was to understand that โค And for everything & anything, it means a lot.

Wanted to end the post with a picture-word post that I saw on tumblr but the picture’s a little scary so … I shan’t post it here! Although it looks cool but I really don’t want to scare people who visit endlessparadigm LOL. I’ll just quote the words:

Monsters are real, and ghosts are too.

They live inside us,

And sometimes,

They win.

We’re not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again x

Till we meet again

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Too many macaron pictures on tumblr making me crave for them so much ): Chose this picture to post because the colour scheme was the nicest (pink-biased here), and the entire layout etc is just … perfect. Can’t wait for post-finals when I can go cafe-hopping/just chillaxing with all the free time in the world, no worries, no nothing.

Currently D-9 to first day of finals. On a happier note, after 26 Nov, it will be 3 papers down (: Trying my best to mug as hard as I can. To all ’em friends out there, all the best for finals! It’ll be over sooner than we expect it. Oh anyway this is gon be a really short post because I don’t exactly have the luxury of time right now. I swear time is always NOT on my side. Amidst all the mugging, currently planning for something interesting. So excited, but shan’t say much.

14 November 2013, Thursday. That day marked the final day of official lessons I had in AY13/14 Y1S1. It was the best way I could ever end my sem (: Thank you so so much to Amanda for the Ritz Apple Strudel + note!! It made my day start well/awesome! Went back to arts to meet Meina & Qijin, chatted a short while! Thank you thank you thank you Meina for the Yakult & the super cool note YOU ARE APPRECIATED TOO (‘: And Qijin for the welfare pack too!! The stuff in it are amusing HAHA. And then lunch at Reedz cafe with Qijin! First time stepping into Biz, kind of got lost for a while (what do you expect from 2 lousy-direction-sense people) LOL.ย 

In a nutshell, this sem ended on a good note, thankful for all ’em people who made my semester a memorable/bearable one.