ร‰loigne

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Life can teach you so much in such a short amount of time, and that’s just what the last few weeks have done for me.- Cirinoย 

Today, I witnessed these two Primary school boys being rowdy & disruptive on the bus, scolding vulgarities all too frequently, and cursing at every other thing they see.

Today, I saw this young boy throwing a tantrum and getting his mom to eventually piggy-back him, even though she looked so tired and uncomfortable doing so.

These made me so upset . . . and momentarily, I lost faith in humanity.

Today, I walked past so many happy faces, taking photos with their friends and/or department sign, they must be thankful forย the friendships forged throughout their undergraduate days.

Today, I saw this elderly uncle make way for a total stranger to enter the bus first, and how he wished the bus driver a good day after.

At least, these are signs that not all hope is lost ๐Ÿ™‚

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Enigma

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Sometimes beautiful things come into our lives out of nowhere. We can’t always understand them, but we have to trust in them. I know you want to question everything, but sometimes it pays to just have a little faith.

I think I’m suffering from post-C.A.N. syndrome (mildly), this is quite ridiculous haha. It still feels so surreal that Project C.A.N. has ended (or at least the official phases are over), just several loose ends to tie up. It has been an amazing experience in the past few months, and I wouldn’t have wanted to spend my summer any other way, if given the chance to restart summer of 2015 all over again. It was undeniably hectic, but more than worth it. I’ll miss the crazy van rides & all the manual labour, getting shocked/sian when the lights at Storhub went off after 15 minutes, all the inside jokes, fun & laughter. The friendships forged through Project C.A.N. are those tagged along with precious memories, which I’ll keep close to my heart ๐Ÿ™‚ So, so bittersweet now that it’s over.

A close friend asked me this a few days back, “which was the best day of your whole C.A.N. experience?” And I answered 26 July, without any hesitation. 26 July was the day I joined Project C.A.N. for, right from the very beginning. To have allowed myself to go through the whole planning process, and finally witnessing the fruits of our labour during Distribute. Really happy to have gotten my friends volunteer alongside me on 26 July. They have been the ones listening to my rants, always checking up on my mental well-being throughout the past months, and being so understanding about my frequent absence/last-minute cancellations of plans. Hence it meant so, so much for them to actually participate in an event that had such a huge significance to me ๐Ÿ™‚ Glad that it exceeded their expectations, and personally thankful for how willing they were to interact with the beneficiaries.

Started off Distribute with an uncertainty lingering, because of the 10-15 issue. But having experienced it for myself on Sunday, I’m glad for that leap of faith taken, for people who supported the idea, and for those who didn’t – they still allowed us to venture into taking that risk. At least it all went well ๐Ÿ™‚ Personally enjoyed all the interactions with the beneficiaries, and yet at the same time, it was so disheartening to hear their stories – because there’s just that limit we can do for them. Albeit having this one-off event to perhaps alleviate their situation temporarily, what most of them really need is the intangible time spent with them.

It’s that fuzzy indescribable feeling in the heart upon leaving each beneficiaries’ house, witnessing their smiles with that tinge of sadness tagged along to it, feeling the warmth from their hands as they held onto, and reassuringly patted on my own hands; these moments are the motivating factors of why I chose to volunteer in the first place. I wish there were more things we could have done for them, to be able to spend even more time just enjoying their company, as much as they enjoy ours. Sharing stories, listening to how nostalgic they are over their past, and telling them that it’s okay, as long as they lived a happy & contented life, it’s more than enough :’)

Project C.A.N. XII might have had its ups & downs throughout the entire journey, but I’m glad it ended on a really, really good note. I’ll definitely miss everything, all of these, that constituted a meaningful summer ๐Ÿ™‚

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Time passes slowly when you’re young, and quickens as you get old. Summer lasted forever when I was seven, but now it only visits. When I was seven the days had more hours than I had use for, and the distance between sun up and down again was a vast & lazy sprawl; now, when I look back, things seem to have happened with the most hectic and startling speed. The weeks & months have seeped into each other and become a span without feature & detail, riddled with cavernous holes.

This summer feels like some journey to self-discovery as well, to test my limits & boundaries, and to challenge myself to step out of my comfort zone. Made pretty crazy choices which I wouldn’t look back or regret, because everything happens for a reason ๐Ÿ™‚ With everything that happened this summer, I’ve grown from my experiences as a whole, and (hopefully) became more mature hee. I know that I’m still lacking in many areas, but slowly, one step at a time, I’ll learn to conquer them and turn these weaknesses into strengths.

& maybe someday, you’d realise how thankful I am for your presence in my life; how inspirational/important you’ve been to me in this journey.

Soon, this chapter of my life will close, only to embrace the next chapter ahead ๐Ÿ™‚ x

Wonderland

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Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am kind to everyone, but when someone is unkind to me,
weak is not what you are going to remember about me.

I think what hurts the most, is when you give your all to someone. Through thick and thin, you’re there for them unconditionally. You stick with them, no matter what. Then one day, they just give up on you. They won’t even fight for you. The one thing you would have never done, they did with no hesitation.

If you think about it hard enough, you’d start to realize that everything in life is nothing but a paradoxical joke. So many times, I find myself holding back, not taking certain chances, and it all boils down to one primary reason – I’m afraid. But why should we be afraid? What’s so great a strength that should possibly deter me from taking that single leap of faith, which would then lead to so, so much more than I could ever possibly imagine?

So I’ve learnt something new. It’s hard, but I’m trying, I’m trying to start the change. To stop minimizing & discounting your feelings. After all, you have every right to feel the way you do. Sure enough, your feelings may not always be logical, but they are always valid. Because if you feel something, then you feel it and it’s real & legit to you. It’s not something you can ignore or wish away. It’s there, gnawing at you, tugging at your core. You can’t just choose to “stop” these feelings from coming or resurfacing every now and then, just because of circumstances or things that happen along the way.

And in order to find peace within, you have to give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you feel. You have to let go of what you’ve been told you “should” or “shouldn’t” feel. You have to drown out the voices of people who try to shame you into silence. You have to listen to the sound of your own breathing & honor the truth inside you. Because despite of what you may believe, you don’t need anyone’s validation or approval to feel what you feel. Your feelings are inherently right and true. They’re important and they matter – because you matter, and it is really more than okay to feel what you feel. Don’t let anyone, including yourself, convince you otherwise.

Looking around and people-watching, I can’t help but notice how so many people seem to be walking around with a meaningless life – and I know this is a bold assumption, which I can’t help but to have. They seem half-asleep, even when they’re busy doing things they think are important. This is because they’re chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to create something that gives you purpose & meaning.

Lastly, I just wanted to point this out. Words cut deeper than knives. A knife can be pulled out, but words are embedded into our souls. So if you don’t mean something, then just spare us all the trouble of play pretense and not say it altogether, right from the very start. Because eventually the truth will come to light, and ultimately the joke will be on you. As a friend, I’ll tolerate it, for now. Continue stepping on my toes with your subtle yet bold actions, and you’ll face the wrath from me. I’m appalled by my misjudgement, and I’m sorry to say you officially lost the friend in me, in that particular instant. But for memories & old times sake, I’ll let it go just this once. Just so you know, I’m not to be messed with. When I bite back, it’s going to hurt a million times more than what you’re trying to do to me now.

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And if all those words you said to me actually meant something, maybe we wouldn’t be standing where we are today x