Wonderland

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You have to get hurt. That’s how you learn. The strongest people out there, the ones who laugh the hardest with a genuine smile, those are the people who have fought the toughest battles. Because they’ve decided that they’re not going to let anything hold them down, they’re showing the world who’s the boss.

The past 2.5 weeks have been incredibly fulfilling, but extremely emotionally draining. The past 2.5 weeks have exposed me to some of the nastier, sadder, depressing sides of humanity that I’ve cautiously/rarely/never treaded upon. Values/Perceptions that I never realised I had starts surfacing, and more often than not, upsetting/emotional situations get to me each time. To learn to empathise as a professional, yet not delve too deep & be affected personally really takes a lot of skill, and I’m hoping, that someday, I’ll be able to attain that.

It gets even tougher juggling both placement & CSC ……. some days I get so tired I just want to shut away from the world & recover from the fatigue. I’m doubting my abilities to handle both aspects at once, and with every single day, the doubt grows even more.

Disappointed. At certain happenings, and also my reactions/ways of handling certain things hmm. I need to grow, both professionally and personally.

Confused. About something that I need to figure out pretty soon, else it be unfair to others/myself.

Drained. Because maybe, I just don’t have the capacity nor the capabilities that I tried deluding myself into thinking I had.

The past 2.5 weeks hasn’t been easy, the remaining 7.5 weeks will be worse, I don’t know anymore.

x

Les Cauchemars

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No matter how interminable something feels, there is always, always an ending. Sometimes that’s good, and sometimes it’s bad; sometimes it’s a matter of indifference, and sometimes it’s heartbreaking, and your life is never the same thereafter.
-Ann Aguirre

Temporary freedom // brief liberation; feels sooooo good. Never realised how crazy & hectic the past semester has been, dealing with so many different matters, it’s amazing how I’m still surviving but yay there can be miracles 🙂

Finals have been a full 10 hours worth of essay writing . . . it’s pretty insane, not exactly sure how I’ll fare, but I guess I tried my best (okay maybe for all but the last mod LOL), hope the results wouldn’t be too shocking whoopsies. The conclusion of finals marks the end of my life as a Year 3, and Year 3 has been an insane year, but I’m glad for all the decisions made. Next challenge: Social Work Placement. Really skeptical about my abilities to perform as a Social Work student, and the pre-placement jitters have been growing ugh. Don’t think it can be comforted by words like “you’ll be able to do it” or “you’re worrying too much” – don’t get me wrong, I really appreciate the reassurances, but this time it’s just . . . different? Mixed feelings about first day of placement next Monday, all the best to those embarking on their first placement too 🙂

Before I Wake is such a nice (horror) movie, both for its plot & learning points it has to offer 🙂 *potential spoilers alert please skip this para if you wanna avoid spoilers* It was so coincidental that the movie had so many Social Work themes/references in it, like foster care/child protection services/trauma/support group etc, which made the movie a tad bit more enjoyable for me tbh 🙂 Those references aside, it tells the story of this special gift of a lil’ boy. Something interesting about the movie was the portrayal of nightmares – nightmares may merely be a surface defence mechanism of people that have underlying unresolved problems/issues/matters that they aren’t able to let go of hmm. My heart really broke for the lil’ boy when the full story was revealed – how much pain should a child be allowed to go through at such a tender young age? 😦 Pretty sure the lil’ boy’s predicament is common in the world (sans the gift he has), sigh. Sometimes prevention isn’t an option, and so what if the treatment they get is top-notch or whatever? Bottomline, the damage has already been done, and it’s irreversible.

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All that talk about how “tough times don’t last, but tough people do” really makes a lot of sense, but sometimes when you’re just deep in this abyss of inner conflict, it gets difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But nevertheless, sometimes, it’s these little reassurances along the way that makes all the difference 🙂 At least, I’m able to seek comfort in words of such empathy. And sometimes, maybe it’s the comfort, and not a solution that I’m seeking for.

The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.
-Ernest Hemingway

Re-evaluating certain aspects of my life and it hasn’t been a very pleasant one. Sometimes, circumstances force things to happen/be in place, but upon removal of these circumstances, it’s all too easy for things to fall apart. Which makes me wonder, how many friendships do I have currently are friends of convenience? What’ll happen if the bond that holds us together gets removed from the equation – will we regress back to being strangers again? Strangers with memories, boy isn’t that the saddest thing in the world.

& truth be told, I’m beyond terrified for what’s to come in the near future. Perhaps the inevitable’s coming sooner than expected, and I’m not sure if I’m ready to face it yet.

x

Éloigne

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Life can teach you so much in such a short amount of time, and that’s just what the last few weeks have done for me.- Cirino 

Today, I witnessed these two Primary school boys being rowdy & disruptive on the bus, scolding vulgarities all too frequently, and cursing at every other thing they see.

Today, I saw this young boy throwing a tantrum and getting his mom to eventually piggy-back him, even though she looked so tired and uncomfortable doing so.

These made me so upset . . . and momentarily, I lost faith in humanity.

Today, I walked past so many happy faces, taking photos with their friends and/or department sign, they must be thankful for the friendships forged throughout their undergraduate days.

Today, I saw this elderly uncle make way for a total stranger to enter the bus first, and how he wished the bus driver a good day after.

At least, these are signs that not all hope is lost 🙂

Escapism

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Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting. Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you to love yourself, to make you feel better for a little while, or to just be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to. Not everyone is going to stay forever, and we still have to keep on going and thank them for what they’ve given us. – Emery Allen

Reminder to self. For what it’s worth, perhaps distancing earlier would be beneficial for others. The last thing I’d want is for progress to be impeded due to my presence . . . because ultimately, sacrifices have to be made, and I’d rather make the first move of separation. Call it being nice, or call it being selfish, I’ve gone through enough to know when to let go to prevent further upsets. I’m honestly tired this time. I’m tired of being conflicted between trying & walking away, so this time, let me be selfish and choose the latter.

“Week 13 already!!!” It’s gonna be an intense & crazy studying period ahead but let’s survive & look forward to placement in the summer 🙂 Skeptical of my abilities to perform as a Social Work student, but excited to learn from the experience hee. Pretty excited for all others on first placement too, it’ll be so fulfilling for all of us & listening from each other’s journey during placement! It’ll be a busy summer ahead with different commitments to juggle but . . . with faith & passion we’ll conquer it all.

I’ve grown to realise that situations beyond your control are far worse than situations that you can have an impact on. When you’re caught in a situation where you’re rendered useless, all you can feel is helplessness & despair. When no amount of worrying or crying can salvage anything, when you feel like the whole world has turned against you. Through this, I’ve learnt that I tend to escape from problems that I should be facing, though living in denial can only last for a short period of time. When reality slaps me in the face after, it’ll hurt a million times more, and I’m not sure if I can take it any longer.

Hmm anyway, ‘ve been listening to Hebe’s songs quite frequently, which is surprising given that I rarely listen to Chinese songs haha. Love the style & lyrics of her songs, it provides a blanket of comfort for times like these. But anyway, looking forward to song recommendations so please recommend if any (esp English songs hehe)!

Some of the greatest battles will be fought within the silent chambers of your own soul.

Till the next time x