Summer

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Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you’re unlike any other?
You’ll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don’t wanna ever love another
You’ll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

And this post shall mark the last official day of the (non-existent) summer break, and tomorrow it shall be a fresh start as a Y3 undergraduate … as a Social Work major. Pretty excited for the modules this semester after browsing through the course outlines etc, may it have been a wise decision to take the leap. It’s not going to be an easy transition, especially since it’ll be the first time I’ll be taking 4 core modules (not to mention the fact that I’ve never taken any Social Work modules before). But it shall be a meaningful, enriching & fulfilling journey 🙂 At least my new course of study will complement my experiences as a volunteer in CSC, hopefully it’ll value-add & allow me to achieve deeper insights into the volunteering sphere.

Watched NUS Rag with A on 7 August, thanks for accompanying me to the event! First time watching The Sam Willows/Gentlebones live, amazing performances. The highlight (and main reason why I attended Rag) was for … Christina Grimmie! I remember watching her covers on youtube many years ago, and got utterly hooked & wowed by her talent! Then she went on to join The Voice, and was in Team Adam Levine, yet another of my celebrity crush HAHA *ultimate fangirl mode on*. Although she mostly performed her original songs during Rag which I haven’t been following, it was a love-at-first-hearing for Liar Liar – Christina Grimmie! The lyrics for Liar Liar are super nice, forever a sucker for such lyrics haha #teamgrimmie forever yaaaaay.

Sadness gives depth. Happiness gives height. Sadness gives roots. Happiness gives branches. Happiness is like a tree going into the sky, and sadness is like the roots going down into the womb of the earth. Both are needed, and the higher a tree goes, the deeper it goes, simultaneously. The bigger the tree, the bigger will be its roots. In fact, it is always in proportion. That’s its balance.

It’s not going to be a smooth-sailing semester ahead, but I’ll survive. Guilty of missing lectures frequently in the past two years, trying to make it a point to not miss lectures (to the best of my abilities), and actually pay attention during lectures instead of using my phone all the time whoops. Going for most lectures alone so … self-discipline! Time to start being productive again, and make each minute spent worthwhile. Really upset that S & Y are gonna be flying off for exchange super soooon, y’all will be dearly missed ): Not looking forward to having to send you guys off this weekend sigh can time pause, just for a while?

So excited to meet my youths tomorrow again hee. Last week’s session was a really good one with good attendance (11 youths hee). Please let the attendance rate be regular & consistently high! Last week’s topic was on Respect, to treat each other with a sincere heart & dignity. Had interesting conversations/discussions with our youths, it’s really heartening to witness them being serious & all during sharing sessions & not just taking them lightly. Learnt so much about & from them, hopefully they have great takeaways, as I’ve always had through all these interactions 🙂 Played a new board game called DixIt with our youths as well, hope to play it again tomorrow because it’s really, really fun hee.

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I don’t want to have to be the one who misses everything when everyone else has clearly forgotten. It’s mortifying. It’s mortifying to be the one who remembers. So I guess, it’s time for some closure. And I really hate being put in dilemmas, where my heart & mind clearly has different stands.

Soulmate, or not? x

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Sunshine

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From the daily happiness advice app I have in my phone (don’t judge):

3 July 2015

A day of choosing to experience no negative emotions! Yes, you DO have that choice!

You choose to experience negative emotions because you think they give you some sort of benefit. But they actually don’t. Anger doesn’t really make you stronger, guilt doesn’t make a bad thing okay or stop you doing it next time, worrying about something doesn’t make it less likely to happen or prepare you any better for it. So, once you’ve realised this, choose NOT to have those negative emotions after all. Instead, do something constructive about the situation.

So apt for today/later haha alright till the next time x

Nostalgia

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Life is simple, but we insist on making it complicated.

The truth is, we don’t know how to make it simple because we’re constantly trying to find what makes us happy. The thing is there’s nothing wrong with trial & error. There’s nothing wrong with failing one too many times, and there’s certainly nothing wrong with winning one too many times either. One thing we can all agree on, is that life isn’t fair. But what is fair is the choice we make to obtain happiness. Some choose to participate. Some choose to disrupt the order. Some get all the attention, and some thrive in the shadows. Some enjoy the thrill, and some play it safe. Some choose to work hard, and some hardly work. Some play the game, and some would rather make the rules. The world is too big for any one path to be the right one. So regardless of the path you choose, remember that it remains unique to you. It becomes your story. And this is what inspires us.

x

Freedom

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Well you need to be content with small steps. That’s all life is. Small steps that you take every day so when you look back down the road it all adds up and you know you covered some distance. It took me a long time to accept that, but it’s true. You need to have patience.

The first of three Friday the 13th in 2015 was well spent, catching up with my favorite girls at our usual hangout place. I guess as we all grow up together, things change and different life experiences/encounters morph us into who are are supposed to be. Yet we still complement each other, able to chat like there’s no tomorrow, while sharing ridiculous happenings. Such memories will never fade, for I’m sure they will be held close and dear to our hearts, even as we grow up and continue to lead diverging lives. Every meetup is like a new beginning, never an ending nor the closure of a chapter in our lives. Pretty interested to know what’s in store for all of us! And more than thankful for the fact that there are true friends whom I can fall back on when I am upset or when my insecurities act up. To sum up, I’m so so blessed :’)

Finally got down to collating all confirmed deadlines/schedules, and the next few weeks leading up till the end of the semester seem quite hectic hmm. Seriously hope for an increase in productivity … so that I’ll be able to cope with all my commitments and handle studies at the same time ): But no regrets for the commitments, because as tiring and draining they may be, the satisfaction and happiness that comes from it is waaay more than worth it! But with that said, I seriously need to learn how to prioritize & allocate my time properly HAHA.

So excited to see our youths again tomorrow, can’t deny that they are one of my biggest motivations to get through each week (albeit sessions being on Tuesdays), hoping for a higher attendance rate for our CNY Celeb/community blessing with our youths tomorrow :’) Every session with them leaves me feeling so heartened and proud of their growth & progress, even if it’s just a micro improvement. Because at least it’s something, isn’t it? 🙂

Many things to look forward to this year, can’t wait for Avril Lavigne’s 6th studio album + Lana Del Rey’s new album titled Honeymoon to be released! Good songs make me really, really happy, especially with lyrics that mean so damn much so yaaaay for good music.

And CNY is approaching so quickly yaaaay so excited *pops confetti* haven’t decide how to paint my nails for CNY, or maybe I’ll be lazy and do without ’em designs haha. Alright time to up my productivity so ….. till the next time! Happy (belated) Valentine’s everyone, may the world be filled with more love x

2014

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Happy NYE everyone! This post will be the first since I turned 20. And this post will be the last of 2014. Taking some time to type & reflect on the year, guess it’s sort of a review post of how life has been in 2014 🙂 Disclaimer: It’s really long & boring, but I choose to document all of it down for myself, as a keepsake memory. It has been a tough yet interesting journey thus far, and I’m thankful that it’s going to be over soon, for 2015 will definitely be filled with even more fun, excitement and challenges that I (hope I can and) will conquer 🙂

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Life as a psychology undergraduate in NUS

2014 marks the final sem of being a year 1, and proceeding on as a year 2 in uni. School hasn’t been easy on me, or perhaps I’m just a student inferior to others. But I truly enjoy what I study, and it’s nice to see the fruits of my hard labor in the results received recently – albeit not fantastic or impressive, but an improvement is all it takes to convince myself that it’s worth it. In 2014, I took modules that interest me the most (social + abnormal psychology). And this affirmed my dream of reading psychology :’)

Social psych taught me social skills & know-hows in daily interactions, it made me (slightly) more sensitive to people’s behaviors. I guess this is why people assume that psychologists can read minds, though it’s really more of just being more observant in certain things that others tend to neglect. Whatever it is, I still have a looong way to go 🙂

Abnormal psychology taught me the art of empathy, yet at the same time to be less judgmental. It’s really important that we do not label people with disorders as “the person with depression” or whatsoever, but to accept & view them as who they are, for they are only humans who are less fortunate than others to be diagnosed with psychological disorders. And I finally got the chance to visit IMH through my course of study, which makes me really grateful 🙂 It has provided me with fresh insights & what-nots, definitely will continue to volunteer @ IMH if I have the chance!

Overall, despite the hectic schedules as an undergraduate, where I experienced my first double 8am lectures in uni (which I will avoid to the best of my abilities from now on), it has been a fulfilling year in terms of studies 🙂

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Life as a volunteer in CSC

2014 marks the year where I officially involved myself in volunteering once again, after a one-year hiatus in 2013. The first major event was the Adventure Camp held in June. Planning for the camp while rendering my services as the Secretary in the committee taught me loads of things, especially since this is the first time I’ve planned for a camp that’s held in Pulau Ubin. A foreign location naturally brings about more difficulties & uncertainties, but the camp made me revisit Guiding skills that I’ve missed, which makes me really happy because it brought back fond memories of Guiding with the pitching of tents & firelighting for outdoor cooking 🙂

Then came the biggest decision I’ve made in 2014 – accepting the role of Vice Chairperson of Youth Rangers. It was a really tough choice & I was in a constant debate between acceptance & rejection of the role, for I wasn’t sure if I could handle the responsibilities that came with the title. After consulting & considering the various advice from friends, I decided to give it a try. I don’t regret the choice, albeit knowing that perhaps there might be someone out there who has better capabilities for this role. Because this choice has ultimately shaped & steered my volunteering journey to a different one – one that is more meaningful than all the volunteering experiences I’ve ever had in my life.

Being the VC has its pros and cons. For one, I’m really glad to have been given this opportunity, & it has led me to meet an awesome RVP Team AY14/15, especially the other Children/Youth sector chairpersons 🙂 It has also allowed me to be more involved in the behind-the-scenes of volunteering, ranging from planning of events to attending countless meetings & gaining new insights from other fellow chairpersons. I can’t emphasize how much importance volunteering takes in my heart, and it’s so so important to me that people volunteer because they have the genuine passion & heart to do so. It’s obvious when their reasons for volunteering are otherwise, but sometimes I choose not to say anything because well, it’s their choice, and as long as they don’t jeopardize anything, I guess I’m not in the position to judge or whatsoever.

I foresee changes in the future, in YR, and I’m hoping for the changes to be a good one. Since I officially accepted my certificate of appointment on 4 Sept 2014, I promise to make the best out of this AY, as the VC of YR. May things be smooth sailing from now on, and I’m confident to say that I’m no longer who I was in the past. The volunteering experience thus far has shaped me greatly and I’m thankful for that.

It’s really so heartwarming to see the youths acknowledging & being happy because of our presence & commitments, the fun & enjoyment that they display during sessions are what drives me to continue pushing on even if it’s a tough time ahead. Because as long as we have impacted & made a difference in contributing to the lives of our youths, I know that all the hard work is more than worth it 🙂

Apart from YR, I’ve semi-involved myself as a volunteer in GAW during the wish adoption + party phases 🙂 I had the opportunity to learn basic Braille during a workshop @ iC2 Prephouse, it was a really eye-opening experience! Attended 2 GAW Parties (iC2 Prephouse + BSS), and I’ve learnt a lot from both parties. Interacting with children of different backgrounds, with children who have slight disabilities in terms of sight, it really made me feel much more humble while seeing the amount they had to offer despite all the setbacks going on in their lives.

One semester left as a member of YR Comm, & I’m going to make sure things get better, and that it’s the best yet. Looking forward to the continuation of rendering my services in CSC, as volunteering continues to play a significant role in my journey to self-discovery & fulfillment! 🙂

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Life as a tourist in Korea

This is definitely one of the highlights of 2014. My first independent 15-day holiday trip overseas with friends! Thank you to the best travelling buddies I could ever ask for, I really love how our travelling styles & preferences etc all complement each other so well, and that the trip concluded so memorably without any arguments or whatsoever. I had the best time of my life in Korea, and am already looking forward to future trips together with this awesome bunch! In these 15 days, I’ve been to Jeju + Seoul, and it was a really interesting experience.

Hobo-ed at Incheon Airport overnight for the first time in my life, and it was such a historical moment where we coincidentally managed to meet various k-idols (including our bias group INFINITE!!!!) while hobo-ing overnight. What a pleasant surprise it was, I’ll never forget how it felt omg :’) Aaaand I met my bias Dongwoo’s parents by visiting their family restaurant! Thank you my dearest friends for scheduling that into our triip & not giving up despite getting lost for a while in an attempt to find the restaurant (there was even a slight drizzle)! It was simply … magical HAHA. Conversing with Dongwoo’s dad, and him being so enthusiastic about taking a picture with us that he even made sure that Dongwoo’s poster will be captured in the picture! And Dongwoo’s mom personally feeding us (although the spicy octopus really made me have legit tears), such awesome fan service that his parents gave to fans (especially since they knew we were not local fans but international fans!) I’ll definitely head back to their family restaurant the next time I go to Korea, and sincerely appreciate the warm hospitality that they served us with!

From randomly following this rookie group at Myeongdong whom we initially didn’t know of (and subsequently found out they were B.I.G.), to all the crazy shopping & fun times in Jeju/Seoul, thank you to Yumin, Sheryin & Amanda for the memorable Korea trip 🙂 Here’s to more #guesswhatadventures to come in the future!

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Life as a music fanatic

In 2014, I attended 2 concerts! Avril Lavigne Live in Singapore 2014 on 15 Feb, and The Red Tour by Taylor Swift on 12 June.

After being a Black Star since primary school days, I finally got to enjoy Avril Lavigne’s concert live for the first time ever! Made sure to get the best tickets with the best view, and saying that Avril is awesome irl is a major understatement omg. Can’t wait for her next album to be out, since it has been almost 2 years since she released her fifth self-titled studio album. Her sincerity & confidence in her performance really deserves the utmost admiration from all her black stars indeed, may her songs continue to serve as my therapy in the future! Taylor Swift was incredible live as well, and her stage performances & entertainment level is insane. Thankful to have gotten the chance to attend both concerts this year 🙂

I’m hoping for Lana Del Rey to come for a tour in Singapore in the future! Her album Ultraviolence released earlier this year has been on replay for the longest time ever, there’s just something about the songs by Lana Del Rey that is so addictive.

Infinite released 2 albums this year, Season 2 + Season 2 Repackage, and both albums are nicely sitting on my shelf hee. Infinite songs are definitely my favorite in Kpop, and Last Romeo + Back (both of their title tracks this year) literally blew my mind away. I really love how much sincerity they put in each of their performances on stage, where they actually sing live despite their dance being really tough & energy draining. Definitely going to continue supporting Infinite by being their loyal Inspirit! It has been said that Infinite H will be having a comeback in January, Infinite in February, and Sunggyu with his second solo album some time next year. Hence, I foresee 2015 being an awesome year for Infinite already, may all their group/unit/solo comebacks be successful! 🙂

Amidst all the songs from specific singers, I’m glad to have stumbled upon loads of other random English songs with lyrics that resonate deeply within me, that I can relate to, and that are applicable for different moods etc.

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Life as who I am

In 2014, I’ve learnt a lot and gained loads of valuable experience, to continue shaping my future for who I’m meant to be. One recurring topic is undoubtedly “friends”, as I realized how people seem to loosely classify (& I used to be guilty of that as well) acquaintances as friends. This year, I’ve realized who my true friends are, who are the friends meant to stick around, and who aren’t the sincere ones. This year, I had the chance of several friendships resurfacing, from years ago. And I’m really glad it happened, because it does feel good & reassuring to be able to reminisce & share freely about things, to people who were once in my life (and have re-entered thankfully).

Lost friendships might be hard to revive, but for what’s it worth, the effort put in by both parties will definitely keep it going. I really like how it isn’t awkward at all despite losing contact for years 🙂 I guess this goes to show the genuine core of what friendship should entail 🙂

And I’m more than grateful to those whom I’ve been talking on a regular/daily basis. No need for mentions, you guys know who you are. Thank you for tolerating all the nonsense & enduring all my rants/frustrations etc. It hasn’t been easy, I’m sure of that, but thanks for sticking around :’) It means so much to me. Old is gold indeed, I wouldn’t trade you guys for any other, not now not ever.

Living life as a 19 y-o and turning 20 so so recently, I’ve grown to notice the amount of independence needed in my life. Things aren’t the same as what they were when I was young, safe in my comfort zone & protected from all ’em unpleasant happenings. But this is a learning & growing process. As we make mistakes, we learn from them, we rebound, and get back up stronger than before.

This year continued to touch me with endearing birthday wishes/messages, all of which I read well & will hold the words close to my heart :’) Thank you for all the birthday wishes/dedications, spending time to meet me & what-nots, planning surprises, and all the handwritten birthday letters! For I’m still old-fashioned when it comes to this, but handwritten letters really hold so much significance than any other. So thank you to everyone and yes, I’m finally 20! 🙂

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May 2015 be a better year for everyone, with less tragedies happening & more happiness spread throughout. Going to make a 2015 new year resolution since I’m turning 21 next year, but probably not going to post it up since it’s more private haha. First two weeks of 2015 really packed & hence ensuring that the beginning of 2015 will be a blast, may it be a meaningful & insightful year ahead, where everyone gets what they wish/aim for :’) Put behind whatever unhappiness or grudges incurred in 2014, and welcome 2015 with a fresh start, an open mind, and a hopeful heart!

With this, I conclude my final post on endlessparadigm in 2014. Till the next time we meet, in 2015 x

20152015, bring it on. I’m ready.

Lucky Ones

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Dandelions add a wish of happiness, and a promise of complete and utter faithfulness.

YR Launch Ceremony has officially concluded as of yesterday. Really glad that the event ran through rather smoothly, without any major issues/hiccups. It has been weeks/months since we first started gathering volunteers for the launch, so so thankful for the dedication that every single volunteer had to make the launch a good one for our dearest youths :’)

And I was really heartened to see the youths yesterday, considering how I haven’t seen them since the last study support session which was back in … September. Time really flies, and it felt really awesome to see them again. Didn’t realize how big an impact these youths have made in my life till yesterday.

It was so heartening, & I feel so privileged to see the youths get commissioned yesterday :’) Words simply can’t encapsulate the overwhelming feels I had, but I’m so happy for every single one of them. For they are willing to give themselves a chance, to be commissioned, and to continue heading down the right path in life. It might have taken a lot of determination for some of them, there definitely are complications that are entangled within, but they all made it eventually. And my heart swells in pride & happiness for them.

I can’t emphasize how much these youths are the main driving factor to let me continue on & be part of this Youth Ranger family. I won’t deny that there have been many unhappy circumstances which have made me doubt certain decisions, but every chance I get to interact with ’em youths only reaffirms the fact that this indeed is the right way to go ahead. No more looking backward, not now not ever anymore.

One youth gone astray, is one youth too much.

This sentence particularly struck me in one of the speeches delivered yesterday. During my duty as a stage crew member yesterday for the launch, I learnt a lot more about the youths whom I didn’t know prior to the event (i.e. the youths from the other centres, or the performers). It made me appreciate their performances so much more, I was really deeply touched by some of the stories that the social worker shared with me. Never judge a book by its cover, never judge a person by how they seem. All too often, they carry stories far more than you’d ever possibly imagine. We all fall victim into being judgmental people, be it blatantly or subconsciously. But after yesterday, I learnt not to judge people by first impressions, because they might seem to be different, but you don’t know how far back their life stories are dated. Some of them have really came a long way since the beginning, and comparatively, their journey in life humbles us so much, considering how much they have progressed since then. On a lighter note, I really really enjoy chatting with social workers because the passion they have really inspires me 🙂

“Have you ever regretted your choice?”

Not so surprisingly, this question has been thrown to me more than once. I think my friends realize the impact that this has on me,& I’m sorry for all the times you guys have to tolerate my rants & frustrations vented out, be it over messages or in real life. I’ve grown to realize the increasing importance of volunteering. I wouldn’t say that volunteering defines me per se, but it definitely represents me in one way or another. It makes me happy, it makes my life fulfilling albeit the tough times that are attached to the decision. It dawned upon me that being a person & the commitment to this shouldn’t be mutually exclusive, in fact it’s deeply intertwined. Everyone has different passions & different things that they feel compelled to protect & push for. Personally, I think I’ve found mine. I’ll never let go, no matter how tedious the journey ahead might be. What entails an enriching volunteering journey? Different people have different standards & expectations. I know what it is I hope to achieve, I’ll work towards my goals. And the answer to the question? It’s a simple no.

I remembered it now with happiness and I knew I would always remember it with happiness.
It was one of those small things that you can go to sleep with,
that you can wake in the night and that you could recall if necessary if you were ever tortured.

It’s all about pushing your limits & trying to figure how much you are able to take. I believe that everyone’s potential is limitless, the only difference is the extent to which our comfort zones are able to handle. And hence, I’m going to redefine my journey to completely dedicate myself into the process of enjoyment within, and distance myself from any external factors that might make me potentially unhappy. It’s difficult, but at least I’ll try. Because such matters that probably wouldn’t even matter (or be remembered) in the future shouldn’t serve as an impediment to my experience. I’m still learning, I’m trying to be a better person.

Everything in life is temporary. So if things are going good, enjoy them. And if things are going bad, don’t worry, it can’t last forever. But I don’t know why I let you build up that false hope again, only to have it shatter me into a million pieces (yet again). I should have learnt from the first time, ha ha. All ’em pointless waiting & foolishly hoping, may it stop soon.

La douleur est seulement pertinente si elle fait toujours mal, et tu me manque tellement.

Still drained, still trying to cope with everything, but I’ll get through it somehow. There’s still so much that I want to talk about, but I’ll save if for another time/the next post haha. Such a lengthy post, I had fun typing all these out though. Alright then, till the next time x

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Beautiful Stranger

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Like most misery, it started with apparent happiness.

I think one of the saddest things is when two people really get to know each other: their secrets, their fears, their favorite things, what they hate, what they love, literally everything; and then they go back to being strangers. It’s like you have to walk past them and pretend like you never knew them, never even talked to them before, when really, you know everything about them.

But it hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone, the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it’s so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn’t come back. You’re left so alone that you can’t explain.

For what it’s worth, I sincerely hope the better of things to come around soon. Because it hurts, to hurt. And ironically, it hurts even more, for trying to let go. I’m a mess of unfinished thoughts, and it scares me.

Remember yourself as a little girl, she is counting on you to protect her.

Till the next time x