Milestones

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We make such messes in this life, messes of different intensities. But wiping the surface clean doesn’t really make anything any neater. it just masks what is beneath. It’s only when you really dig down deep, go underground, that you can see who you really are.

endlessparadigm has been with me through the various stages in my uni life, and with this post, I’ll document yet another milestone – another crazy insane unbelievable decision finalised in the past two days. Not sure how it’ll all turn out, still overwhelmed, but with the support & advice from various people, I guess it’s really time to be daring enough to go for it. One year back, should anyone ask if I was interested, I would just laugh it off and lament on how my abilities for this are simply non-existent. Today, as I’m typing this, I admit that the self-doubt still exists, the uncertainty in this, but I’ll try, and do whatever it takes to ensure that I won’t jeopardise anything, and hopefully make a difference and contribute in the many little ways I can 🙂

It’ll be a hectic month ahead for preparations, and if everything turns out successfully, it’ll be a hectic AY ahead. Hoping to be able to tide through all these, for this learning journey & experience is one that’s hard to come by – and now that I have the chance, I’ll make the best of how things are. I must be crazy, but a good kind of crazy.

For someone who’s rather emotions-oriented, the past few days have allowed me to see all the support/care/concerns the people around me have, which is really heartening 🙂 For giving me advice, weighing the pros and cons of such a decision, being worried I would burn out, thinking if I would be able to juggle the various commitments etc etc, I’m so so touched and blessed to have such a wonderful group of friends around me 🙂 As a bonus, I even got advice from someone who’s so inspiring & to put it simply, a legend in this scene. So honoured HAHA lucky me.

It’ll definitely not be a smooth sailing journey ahead, but that’s where I get to learn from right? What’s a role without challenges, it’ll just mean I’m not doing enough – not being critical enough of situations, and just playing it safe. Which isn’t something I’m aiming for, should I assume this role in the coming AY.

Thank you to everyone who has allowed me to confide in them for the past few days, all your opinions mean a lot to me, and through this experience, I’ll try to be a better person, and a better leader.

Had the first meet-up to discuss goals/general direction yesterday, although we sidetracked waaaaay too much, I think the general consensus for the direction has been set. So excited, and with a hopeful heart, this journey will begin. At least for one, I know that there wouldn’t be a lack of support, and we’ll all progress together, and help each other out. I’m not alone in this 🙂

Jiayou shiao, trust yourself as much as others trust you x

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Friction

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Had an awesome end to October despite it being a really bad month, haven’t laughed so much in a long while like I did last night. Here’s hoping that November will be a better month (albeit upcoming exams).

Sooo … bye October, but it’s time to make way for November x

Shots

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Sometimes you just need to cry & be sad.
You need to break down & be torn apart.
You need to learn to pick yourself up & put yourself back together.
Sometimes, the only way to be happy is to give into sadness first,
because without sadness, there is no happiness; you would never learn to smile.

The long-awaited recess week is FINALLY here! So here I am, after deciding to update endlessparadigm proper instead of the previous few short ones. Indulgence at its best these few days, evidentlyyyy.

Recess week started off really well (: Spent last Saturday at committee bonding session/outing, where we headed to Safra Toa Payoh for bowling session, before going to Raffles City/Marina Square/Suntec City … for llaollao & to shop around! Retail therapy is ALWAYS the best, although it’s hard to control spending (but I did!). Guilty pleasure in the form of materialistic items, it’s good to indulge once in a while hee. Hoping for more comm bonding opportunities in the future, this bunch of people are really awesome & such, it’s going to be an interesting academic year ahead, & I foresee reluctance to step down after this AY actually haha but okaaaaay I’ll cherish whatever time there is with the comm (: Everyone is so vastly different from each other, but I’m really hoping that we will all fall nicely together like puzzle pieces.

Sunday was a pretty … nostalgic one? Because it’s the last tuition session that I have with Char before her PSLE papers! Can’t believe that it has been more than a year since I started being her tuition teacher, it’s amazing how much we have progressed & the amount of rapport built in my term of teaching. There’s just this innocence in primary school kids that cannot be found in youths/teenagers/young adults/adults these days … somewhere along the way, in the process of growing up, this innocence just gets buried within. I’m definitely going to miss having 4h-long sessions with her every weekend, where along the way she’d share with me bits & pieces of her school life & what-nots. I feel really heartened whenever she shares such stuff with me because she’s definitely not obliged to, but her doing so shows the trust she has in me, & that she genuinely doesn’t mind sharing such info with me (: Rapport is really, really important. Might be tutoring her for secondary school work, shall see how it goes! I’ll cherish the loom bracelet & charm that she made for me as a teachers’ day gift, so so touched by these little actions :’) & she was really happy when she received the muji stuff I got for her as a farewell-cum-PSLE-encouragement gift hee. Little joys in lifeee, it can be in the form of such simplicity (‘:

Monday was insane. Mugging session with study buddy A! Decided to camp at CLB from 10am to 9pm haha, it was quite a productive session & I definitely use my phone waaaay less than when I’m studying at home & stuff. So it’s a good first step! Enjoy studying with A a lot since … secondary school days? & I really love mugging at CLB 3rd floor, it has been my safe haven since Y1S1, and definitely gonna continue to study there whenever the opportunity arises. Looking forward to the upcoming study sessions, in the meantime enjoy your trip & stay safe alright! x

Todaaaaaay. RVP Mass Meeting fom 10-1pm, & mentoring session from 4.30-9pm. So so tired, but damn worth it. Hmm so during RVP Mass Meeting, we wrote a letter to ourselves! On what we hope to achieve as a RVP chairperson + committee member + volunteer + ourselves. I find such things really meaningful, tried it before on my OCIP Cambodia team & felt like it worked out pretty well! Hoping that I’ll be able to fulfill whatever I penned down in the letter to myself, dated 23 Sept 2014. Perhaps I’ll post my letter up in a review post of my term as a member of YR in the future, shall see how it goes! Mentoring session today was an eye-opener. Mentored a new girl today, and I could say I felt the genuine pride & happiness upon each question she answered correctly :’) These youths are my happy little pills, the reason for me to pull through each hectic day of the week so as to meet them on our usual Tuesday evenings :’) As mentors, we indeed, have a lot to offer to the youths; but I sincerely believe that the youths have so much more to offer to us as well, and I can see (& witness) the potential in each & every one of them. So I hope that none of them will ever give up on themselves, because for one, I will NEVER give up on them (‘: Thank you youths, for allowing me to gain new insights & perspectives after each mentoring session. I love how overwhelmed with emotions & thoughts I feel after each session (in a good way of course), to the extent that attempting to pen down my thoughts are restricting my encapsulation of feelings. One thing’s for sure, I’m never giving up volunteering in my life :’) It’s waaaay too important to me.

Hmm so that’s for my daily updates … yup. Anyway these few days have made me see many things in different perspectives (yet again), & I think it’s really amusing/funny how you try to hard at all these futile attempts because I simply won’t acknowledge them anymore. Continue to try, but all I’m going to say is that the joke’s on you, because I’m not affected at all. Or at least I won’t show you I am. In this game of life, I won’t be the loser unless I deem so.

On a sidenote, crossing my fingers that things will be … okay. Don’t exactly wanna cross paths with you anymore though it seems inevitable so, hoping for the best. Because I don’t think I can take a second round of all that has happened in the past any longer yup. Really, really worried but I don’t want this to burden me anymore like it did last time. & I don’t exactly want my world to start crashing down again, now that it just started to get back on track.

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Got tagged to do the 20 facts about me, prolly will post it up soon! I really should stop all the late nights it’s getting unhealthy albeit not taking a toll on my physical health (as of now), despite the frequent headaches/migraines though I’m kind of used to them already haha.

Can’t believe I just typed such a long post! Till the next time x

Happy Little Pill

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Really need to get my hands on a copy of Lullabies soon omg *o* Apparently it’s pre-released in Kinokuniya already … now I just gotta find time to head down before all the pre-released copies are snatched away. Lang Leav’s poems are always such an inspiration & so nice to read :’) So talented.

‘ve quite a bit to post about, but time isn’t on my side so … I’ll update proper this weekend if possible!

Till then x

CSC Outreach 2014

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In the midst of happiness or despair

In sorrow or in joy

In pleasure or in pain

Do what is right & you will be at peace

CSC Outreach is finally over! :”)

The first day of any planning for Outreach began on 21 July 2014, which coincidentally is also the first meeting where we had as the main committee heading Youth Rangers for AY 14/15. In the short span of a few weeks, I’m glad we managed to pull it off pretty well (in my opinion), garnering decent sign ups for Youth Rangers (: I’m glad that these potential volunteers are willing to give YR a chance, considering how we are merely a probationary RVP.

Because they believe in the potential in our PRVP, we must not let them down. Words simply can’t express how proud I am of my committee for their dedication in making Outreach a success, in one way or another. Admittedly there were minor hiccups along the way, but we learn from them, and make things work out ultimately. Also, this is the first time the 7 of us are working together on such a (considerably) large scale project, so no regrets with the outcome at all. 

The past week has been insane, with Outreach related stuff every single day. Final rehearsal with other C/Y Sector heads for our talk on Monday + preparation of booth & comm meeting on Tuesday + Outreach Tour on wed to fri + Outreach Talk on Friday evening. I’m sooo glad it’s finally over because I don’t know why but it has been so draining, yet fulfilling at the same time of course.

But just like what 940 said, this is merely step 0 of this entire process. Recruitment of volunteers, retention of volunteers, structure of YR, there are so many things that are undone but urgent matters. I’m confident in the committee, to bring YR to greater heights :’) 

One major plus point of Outreach was that I got to know more people better. Tanking 12 official hours of duty (& idk how many hours I crashed duty haha), it really allowed me to talk to quite a few comm members on a 1-to-1 basis, and it’s interesting to learn about the perspective towards certain things that they may have. I won’t be ashamed to actually declare that our comm subtly became closer, with more inside jokes shared & what-not (:

Alright, not only did I get to know my comm better, I got to know other people in CSC better as well! For one, I’m not as awkward around the other C/Y Sector heads already (I hope), as compared to the first meeting, which was SO awkward for me I literally felt like just slumping down in my chair & being a major phantom/fading into the background – no kidding. But things got better, I’m thankful for their time in entertaining me when I was bored & just playing around with me, or helping out Youth Rangers booth during duty even though they aren’t obliged to :’)

It’s the little actions in each & every member of CSC that makes this experience so meaningful. As I said before, the people in CSC give off a vibe that’s vastly different from the rest of the population, yet within CSC, everyone gives off this same friendly kind courteous vibe that’s just so … genuine. And I like it a lot, I really do. Thankful to be part of this CSC family, grateful to YR, grateful to everyone.

Just had the sudden realization that today’s the only day in this entire week where I’m not out & about being involved with CSC matters. ‘was suppose to go for GAW today but due to other commitments, I had to pull out. Which is pretty regretful because I’ve been wanting to experience the wish collection phase of GAW ): Ah well, sacrifices, priorities. There’s CSC Elections Day 1 tomorrow! Going to be attending & just listening to speeches, hope it’ll be an interesting experience so x fingers!

Shall end off with the quote included in the signature of YR email:

Everything has beauty, but not everyone can see.

Till the next time x

Wild Rose

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Belated post that concludes the end of finals! As of 06 May 2014: “Goodbye finals | freshie no more | HELLO SUMMER” (: with finals concluding, it marks the end of my official year one of uni life. Inevitably there has been many turns & turmoils along the way of these 2 semesters, but I’ll live with it. Wouldn’t have wanted things to unfold in any other way, glad for everything that happens because after all, everything happens for a reason (: Not sure if I’m trying to find solitude or peace within by using “everything happens for a reason” as the explanation for things that make me upset along the way, but at least it works as a cheer-me-up to a certain extent.

Everything that I wanted to say about being a year one student has probably been expressed along the way of my posts since endlessparadigm was created, so no need for any other words. I’m happy, I really am. 

So … post finals has been an indulgence since I’ve been heading out every single day since finals ended. Need to learn how to control my spending but, the shopaholic side of me has been suppressed for so long, I’ll brush it off as a guilty pleasure or whatever haha. Many things happening this summer break! Meet-ups & hanging out with all ’em friends, continue prepping my tutee for upcoming PSLE, heading to Korea with friends, and the weekly volunteering sessions + adventure camp! So hyped up for the adventure camp & it has been more than a month of worrying/since the interview, glad to have been given the chance to be secretary for adventure camp committee hee.

Really miss being a secretary since the Guiding days, wondering if the experience will be any different or the same eventually. Random bouts of memories keep flashing in my mind, specifically to the Guiding days, but then again it has been long since. Being a mere sec one of the patrol in 2007 to stepping down as PL + secretary in 2010, it was hell of a journey, and that’s prolly an understatement hmm. Whatever it is, looking forward to new beginnings, hope the adventure camp for youth rangers will be successful, can’t wait for first comm meeting + more updates 🙂

There were many things I wanted to post during the finals period but I didn’t want to succumb to the temptation of social media/using my laptop or else productivity will be down to zero alongside mega procrastination. It’s a tradition to be posting at least one quote in each post, and today’s quote will come from one of my closest friends! From a bipolar conversation that we had a week back:

But you learn and appreciate stuff as you grow up.

As much as there’s more hate, but there’s love and care too.

 

– A.L. (2014)

So true indeed hmm. It’s amusing how there are so many topics in a single conversation at the same time, ranging from seemingly deep discussions to those really childish 9 y-o like message exchanges. That’s the beauty of friends I guess, and the rapport in the friendship built within.

Oh and I finally painted my nails again after such a long time! But I couldn’t decide on a single colour + was too lazy to do intricate designs this time so I went with pastel colours (specifically one colour per nail). Kind of pleased with how the colour combination matches hee, maybe I should do this more often.

This post has been rather nonsensical at its best, thanks for reading k bye x

Beating Heart

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If only there could be an invention that bottled up a memory, like scent.

And it never faded, never got stale.

And then, when one wanted it, the bottle could be uncorked,

and it would be like living the moment all over again.

Realised I haven’t been posting much these days, blame it on the stress from school, blame it from the lack of self-discipline, blame it on the laziness or whatever haha. Decided to post a quick one before I start the day proper, aka mugging/final assignment etc! 

Finals are approaching really quickly, ended the final project for the sem yesterday, and just when I thought I was done with assignments as well … one final assignment pops up during lecture ytd & it’s freaking due this Saturday ugh, hopefully I won’t end up screwing it up though I really don’t understand how to approach the assignment at all. Shall spend some time staring at it later in an attempt for some inspiration for what to write haha sigh alright perseverance is the key to success.

Yesterday was the worst day of the year so far, down with stomach flu/food poisoning. Felt really nauseous & ended up vomiting approximately 10 times or so within an hour, while waiting for my mum to fetch me home (in turn causing me to pon a lecture but I guess this is a legit reason). Literally felt like dying, uncomfortable/miserable is an understatement of what I felt yesterday. Kept breaking out into a cold sweat, could barely walk a few steps without feeling like I was going to wobble and fall, really light-headed. Basically one word: Bad. And I don’t ever want to experience that ever again. Thankful for medicine at home, took them and crashed for a few hours, woke up feeling slightly better & managed to keep apple slices down. But felt slightly nauseous again at approximately 10pm, so took med & headed to bed for an insanely early night. With all that said, thankful for the friends who showed concern, feeling waaaay better already 🙂 At least better than the mess I was yesterday haha. Can’t afford to be ill anymore with finals just round the corner, everyone please stay safe & healthy!

Really worried about something although I know I shouldn’t. If it’s meant to be, it will be. And if it isn’t, then it just isn’t. Shouldn’t worry/dwell too much into such thoughts. I guess it’s cos of hope, that’s making me so anxious. Ah well, shall wait out, and see how things unfold from there (: In the meantime I will stop thinking about it.

Beating Heart, the title of this post – the title of a song by Ellie Goulding 🙂 Freaking awesome song that’s really unique, and it’s one of the soundtracks for Divergent (which I have yet to watch omg). Recommended by Adelyn, so before listening to Beating Heart I knew I’ll love the song already. Because since 2007, every song recommended by Adelyn are songs that suit my taste. Beating Heart is really worth a listen, downloaded it & it’s currently on replay mode. Many many songs/albums to check out after finals, can’t wait to go song hunting! And Lana Del Rey’s going to release her album sooon, can’t wait for the first single West Coast to be out. Apparently the style of her upcoming album Ultraviolence will be similar to her previous albums, this is getting me so hyped up already hee.

My motivation for getting through finals is in 83 days’ time. I know it’s too early to countdown but I can’t help because it’s just so exciting + talking to Yumin & Sheryin about it every other day/how we are slowly starting to plan etc is making me look forward to it a lot. Time needs to fly past quickly, as long as finals are over, the freedom will set in omg hee & proper planning will start!

As the exam stress kicks in, everyone tends to get moodier & what-not. And I feel detached from the world & from my friends (prolly cos I reply less frequently idk), although it’s quite a nice feeling to be taking a break from social media/society in general. Slowly pulling away and cooping up in my safe haven, pondering over things that were once neglected due to the fast-paced lives we lead. Despite all that, I feel unspeakably lonely, and I feel drained. Really drained. It is like a blank state of mind and soul that can’t be described as it probably won’t make any difference. It’s like a private feeling I get – that of melting into a perpetual nervous breakdown. I am often questioning myself what I want to do, who I wish to be; which parts of me, exactly, are still functioning properly. And yet no answers, no answers at all.

Till the next time x