Summer

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Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you’re unlike any other?
You’ll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don’t wanna ever love another
You’ll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

And this post shall mark the last official day of the (non-existent) summer break, and tomorrow it shall be a fresh start as a Y3 undergraduate … as a Social Work major. Pretty excited for the modules this semester after browsing through the course outlines etc, may it have been a wise decision to take the leap. It’s not going to be an easy transition, especially since it’ll be the first time I’ll be taking 4 core modules (not to mention the fact that I’ve never taken any Social Work modules before). But it shall be a meaningful, enriching & fulfilling journey 🙂 At least my new course of study will complement my experiences as a volunteer in CSC, hopefully it’ll value-add & allow me to achieve deeper insights into the volunteering sphere.

Watched NUS Rag with A on 7 August, thanks for accompanying me to the event! First time watching The Sam Willows/Gentlebones live, amazing performances. The highlight (and main reason why I attended Rag) was for … Christina Grimmie! I remember watching her covers on youtube many years ago, and got utterly hooked & wowed by her talent! Then she went on to join The Voice, and was in Team Adam Levine, yet another of my celebrity crush HAHA *ultimate fangirl mode on*. Although she mostly performed her original songs during Rag which I haven’t been following, it was a love-at-first-hearing for Liar Liar – Christina Grimmie! The lyrics for Liar Liar are super nice, forever a sucker for such lyrics haha #teamgrimmie forever yaaaaay.

Sadness gives depth. Happiness gives height. Sadness gives roots. Happiness gives branches. Happiness is like a tree going into the sky, and sadness is like the roots going down into the womb of the earth. Both are needed, and the higher a tree goes, the deeper it goes, simultaneously. The bigger the tree, the bigger will be its roots. In fact, it is always in proportion. That’s its balance.

It’s not going to be a smooth-sailing semester ahead, but I’ll survive. Guilty of missing lectures frequently in the past two years, trying to make it a point to not miss lectures (to the best of my abilities), and actually pay attention during lectures instead of using my phone all the time whoops. Going for most lectures alone so … self-discipline! Time to start being productive again, and make each minute spent worthwhile. Really upset that S & Y are gonna be flying off for exchange super soooon, y’all will be dearly missed ): Not looking forward to having to send you guys off this weekend sigh can time pause, just for a while?

So excited to meet my youths tomorrow again hee. Last week’s session was a really good one with good attendance (11 youths hee). Please let the attendance rate be regular & consistently high! Last week’s topic was on Respect, to treat each other with a sincere heart & dignity. Had interesting conversations/discussions with our youths, it’s really heartening to witness them being serious & all during sharing sessions & not just taking them lightly. Learnt so much about & from them, hopefully they have great takeaways, as I’ve always had through all these interactions 🙂 Played a new board game called DixIt with our youths as well, hope to play it again tomorrow because it’s really, really fun hee.

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I don’t want to have to be the one who misses everything when everyone else has clearly forgotten. It’s mortifying. It’s mortifying to be the one who remembers. So I guess, it’s time for some closure. And I really hate being put in dilemmas, where my heart & mind clearly has different stands.

Soulmate, or not? x

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Clandestine

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I’m stuck in the dark but you’re my flashlight.

For the clues have been blatantly lying around, you’ve just got to pick up the fragments & piece them together, in order to fully understand the specificities of such things. It’s a pity when people aren’t able to view the full picture – perhaps it’s merely a moment of evasiveness. Or was it a case of accidentally-on-purpose? I hope never to find out, should it be the case of the latter.

On a sidenote, it’s amazing how someone can just turn your bad day entirely around with merely a few words & exchange of conversations. Fascinating, yet scary at the same time. Nevertheless, ‘am genuinely thankful from the deep deep bottom of my heart 🙂 At least it’s good to have experienced some tranquillity amidst the craziness that’s currently going on in my life.

Finally for a change, something actually makes sense for once. So let this continue to be clandestine, so there won’t be a possibility of complications arising from the external.

Aren’t the roses so pretty? I think I’m starting to take an inclined liking for flowers, after all 🙂

Till the next time x

Conflicted Contradiction

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Life hasn’t been all that smooth-sailing these days with various matters occurring.

Mr LKY passed away peacefully on 23 March 2015. As the Founding Father of Singapore, he is, and will continue to be deeply respected. For it is a fact that Singapore will not be what she is today without Mr Lee. His contributions, the time and effort he put in building up this nation that we Singaporeans are proud to call our home, is undeniable. Morphing from a mere third world nation to being a first world nation in a short span of (less than) 50 years, look how much Singapore has progressed. I wouldn’t dare claim to be a true patriot, but I know when respect is due, and Mr Lee deserves such respect. I honestly don’t know the specificities of the contributions Mr Lee made for Singapore, but I do know that it’s his efforts which eventually allowed me to be typing away here safely, without any major worries of security, education or whatsoever.

Which led to the decision of queueing to bid our final farewells, to give our bows, and to pay our final respects to Mr LKY. It was heartwarming beyond words, to see how Singaporeans were caring for each other and distributing water/rations along the way to those who were queueing. It was heartening to realise how there were no complaints or whatsoever of the long queue. Thankful to my two dearest friends with whom I queued together with. Those 5 hours were made tolerable because of you two, honoured to have been able to pay our final respects together :’)

All for our Founding Father, Mr LKY. May you rest in peace, sir.

***

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Sometimes the questions are complicated, and yet the answers are simple.

Vulnerability is innate in me, I know that for a fact. Yet as much as I’m trying to control for this shortcoming, it just doesn’t seem to work out as planned. Perspective is something really important, yet too many perspectives can be tiring. Not sure of what to make of various situations currently, and yet it’s not possible to let things remain status quo. So confused and drained by everything 😦 Someone told me today, to take these matters as challenges and a learning process. Albeit the late realizations, it is definitely better late than never. It’s important to embrace these challenges, instead of dodging them; for they act like boomerangs, and it’s eventually going to come back anyway. When it feels scary to jump, that’s exactly when you jump. Otherwise, you’ll end up staying the same place your whole life. Clouded visions, no more.

Saw this quote from Tumblr which I really agree with:

I don’t think that anything happens by coincidence. No one is here by accident. Everyone who crosses our path has a message for us. Otherwise they would have taken another path, or left earlier or later. The fact that these people are here means that they are here for some reason.

And this relates with my strong belief of soul mates 🙂 I really appreciate people who spare time for me, or show care via various methods, albeit being all caught up in studies, commitments, or just life in general. As emphasised in previous posts, these little things really make a huge difference to me. If growing up means more problems to face along the way, then I don’t ever want to grow up. Because it does get tiring at times, especially times like these, when everything chooses to crash all at once in an unplanned manner.

Pondering over how life has been for the past few weeks, I can’t help but to really question:

Where are the promised better days?

May things get better for everyone. May there be less tragedies happening. May the world be filled with more kindness & happiness. Tough times don’t last, tough people do. But that’s before the stress accumulated causes one to snap into pieces. It’ll then hurt those who attempt to fix those shards of broken pieces. And yet, that’s the time you’ll know who truly matters to you.

A wounded heart seeks shelter in a heart it can trust x

Dark Paradise

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There is a difference between saying goodbye & letting go. Goodbye is not permanent. You can meet years later & share what happened in your life. You can smile & laugh about all the nonsense that you both went through. However, letting go is being okay with never seeing this person ever again, being okay with never knowing how their life turned out, being okay with fifty or more years of silence, being okay with running into that person at a grocery store & having them not acknowledge your presence. This is the part of life that doesn’t sit well with me and never will. It tears my heart in pieces, robs me of gratitude, drains me of anything positive & eats at the faith that holds on.

x

Lucky Ones

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Dandelions add a wish of happiness, and a promise of complete and utter faithfulness.

YR Launch Ceremony has officially concluded as of yesterday. Really glad that the event ran through rather smoothly, without any major issues/hiccups. It has been weeks/months since we first started gathering volunteers for the launch, so so thankful for the dedication that every single volunteer had to make the launch a good one for our dearest youths :’)

And I was really heartened to see the youths yesterday, considering how I haven’t seen them since the last study support session which was back in … September. Time really flies, and it felt really awesome to see them again. Didn’t realize how big an impact these youths have made in my life till yesterday.

It was so heartening, & I feel so privileged to see the youths get commissioned yesterday :’) Words simply can’t encapsulate the overwhelming feels I had, but I’m so happy for every single one of them. For they are willing to give themselves a chance, to be commissioned, and to continue heading down the right path in life. It might have taken a lot of determination for some of them, there definitely are complications that are entangled within, but they all made it eventually. And my heart swells in pride & happiness for them.

I can’t emphasize how much these youths are the main driving factor to let me continue on & be part of this Youth Ranger family. I won’t deny that there have been many unhappy circumstances which have made me doubt certain decisions, but every chance I get to interact with ’em youths only reaffirms the fact that this indeed is the right way to go ahead. No more looking backward, not now not ever anymore.

One youth gone astray, is one youth too much.

This sentence particularly struck me in one of the speeches delivered yesterday. During my duty as a stage crew member yesterday for the launch, I learnt a lot more about the youths whom I didn’t know prior to the event (i.e. the youths from the other centres, or the performers). It made me appreciate their performances so much more, I was really deeply touched by some of the stories that the social worker shared with me. Never judge a book by its cover, never judge a person by how they seem. All too often, they carry stories far more than you’d ever possibly imagine. We all fall victim into being judgmental people, be it blatantly or subconsciously. But after yesterday, I learnt not to judge people by first impressions, because they might seem to be different, but you don’t know how far back their life stories are dated. Some of them have really came a long way since the beginning, and comparatively, their journey in life humbles us so much, considering how much they have progressed since then. On a lighter note, I really really enjoy chatting with social workers because the passion they have really inspires me 🙂

“Have you ever regretted your choice?”

Not so surprisingly, this question has been thrown to me more than once. I think my friends realize the impact that this has on me,& I’m sorry for all the times you guys have to tolerate my rants & frustrations vented out, be it over messages or in real life. I’ve grown to realize the increasing importance of volunteering. I wouldn’t say that volunteering defines me per se, but it definitely represents me in one way or another. It makes me happy, it makes my life fulfilling albeit the tough times that are attached to the decision. It dawned upon me that being a person & the commitment to this shouldn’t be mutually exclusive, in fact it’s deeply intertwined. Everyone has different passions & different things that they feel compelled to protect & push for. Personally, I think I’ve found mine. I’ll never let go, no matter how tedious the journey ahead might be. What entails an enriching volunteering journey? Different people have different standards & expectations. I know what it is I hope to achieve, I’ll work towards my goals. And the answer to the question? It’s a simple no.

I remembered it now with happiness and I knew I would always remember it with happiness.
It was one of those small things that you can go to sleep with,
that you can wake in the night and that you could recall if necessary if you were ever tortured.

It’s all about pushing your limits & trying to figure how much you are able to take. I believe that everyone’s potential is limitless, the only difference is the extent to which our comfort zones are able to handle. And hence, I’m going to redefine my journey to completely dedicate myself into the process of enjoyment within, and distance myself from any external factors that might make me potentially unhappy. It’s difficult, but at least I’ll try. Because such matters that probably wouldn’t even matter (or be remembered) in the future shouldn’t serve as an impediment to my experience. I’m still learning, I’m trying to be a better person.

Everything in life is temporary. So if things are going good, enjoy them. And if things are going bad, don’t worry, it can’t last forever. But I don’t know why I let you build up that false hope again, only to have it shatter me into a million pieces (yet again). I should have learnt from the first time, ha ha. All ’em pointless waiting & foolishly hoping, may it stop soon.

La douleur est seulement pertinente si elle fait toujours mal, et tu me manque tellement.

Still drained, still trying to cope with everything, but I’ll get through it somehow. There’s still so much that I want to talk about, but I’ll save if for another time/the next post haha. Such a lengthy post, I had fun typing all these out though. Alright then, till the next time x

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