Whispers Untold

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We write in darkness. We love in alleys. We breathe into beige paper bags. Anything to mollify the confusion. Anything to simplify the math. I am beset, even by rest. And when I close my eyes, the world is still macaronic. I feel for the wolf about to be trapped in the landfill. I feel for the crab about to scamper  from the net. I feel for humanity when the brightness of sick knowledge falls from exorbitant air. But remedies abound. There’s a remedy for everything. And a remedy for every remedy. 

Life has been pretty much alright on average hee. Was feeling down a while ago, & yet the recent meetups have been the best remedy. It just makes me instantaneously better, worry-free, and felt like everything was … peaceful? And that everything just felt so right & that life was heading the right way. Can’t express how important I cherish physical meetups, because occasional outings definitely serve a deeper purpose than communicating via texts all day long. But of course the daily conversations are therapeutic in a different sense & I’m not complaining about those at all (albeit my mum having issues with me being on my phone so often whooops). 

Can’t wait for the 15-day getaway to Korea in July! It feels so surreal this getaway is occurring in 25 days … to think we started the countdown from 91 days! In the blink of an eye, we will be off to Korea already hee. But first, these few remaining weeks will be busy since it’s pretty much filled up like craaaaazy. Busy, tiring, yet meaningful & definitely worth it. Already looking forward to more meet-ups, perks of summer break yaaaay (:

Anyway just wanted to post some thoughts hmm. Feels rather ironic how I realise you’re trying to get the attention, and yet I’m blatantly … ignoring. Subtly, but surely. Because it’s kind of pointless, it doesn’t mean anything to me so I’m not going to put on a facade & entertain whatever you’re saying. To put it bluntly, it’s a waste of my time, so stop trying. Just so you know, you’ll achieve nothing out of it, so why don’t you stop wasting your time too (: In short, screw off.

Foresee my next update to be on 9 June because it’s a … special & meaningful day :’) Can’t believe the 4-year anniversary is approaching soon already hee till then x

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Blue Velvet

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Sometimes, you can only feel something by its absence. By the empty space it leaves behind.

Really hyped up for Korea now after planning our itinerary, can’t believe we’re Korea-bound in merely 43 days (: Independent holiday trips are really just different from trips with family, albeit having to admit both are fun in its own different ways. Super excited for the days in Jeju, can’t wait to witness the breathtaking scenery in reality, a pity we won’t be viewing sunrise at the peak but … it’s for the best, or else we would prolly be burned out before we even head to Seoul.

Volunteer training + first comm meeting went relatively well, looking forward to the adventure camp with youths already! And this camp more or less mirrors my Guiding days with activities like outfield cooking, pitching & sleeping in tents, as well as the hitches/knots/lashings involved. Hope that it will be a good experience, & may the planning of activities etc turn out smoothly! Fingers crossed. & there’s comm lunch tomorrow before mentoring session … hopefully it will let the comm bond better & get to know each other well, so we can work properly all together to make the camp a success hee.

Priorities. I guess I don’t have that. Clearly there’s a stark difference between knowing your priorities & having priorities, and I admit I’m lacking the latter. Hitting the 20s soon in a couple of months, really got to get my life on track properly, sort out everything going on in my life, and perhaps come up with a To-Do List in life, after all that will make things more meaningful than the boring/mundane/scheduled life that we’re all currently living in. But we all learn along the way, all the mistakes made, regrets accumulated, they shape & morph our lives into the state it is in today. So it ultimately is true, when people say that whatever you’re facing now is nothing but made from your past. And you know that the ghosts of your pasts will come back to haunt you occasionally so … I guess we all just have to deal with that.

Gave advice to a friend recently about something really important/which pretty much determines the future path. Hope I didn’t give the wrong advice, the last thing I’d want is for regrets in this choice, because it’s life-defining. But with that said, everything happens for a reason, so if it’s meant to be, it will eventually be clear as to why certain decisions are forsaken for others.

On a lighter note, I finally finished tidying & redownloading ALL the songs back into iTunes, it was such a hassle, mega torturous process but I’m finally done! Retained waaaay less songs than what I had previously, but at least this frees up more space in my phone for new songs to come in (: Really hyped up for Infinite’s new album “Season 2” to be released on 21 May, as well as Lana Del Rey’s new album “Ultraviolence” to be released some time in June! Always welcoming fresh songs, both new & old, so do throw some recommendations if any!

Watched Divergent in the theatres some time last week, really love the movie it’s so, inspiring in some ways. Dauntless, this word has escalated its meaning through the movie & it really serves as a timely reminder to step out of our comfort zones & not be bounded by facades of what we think we should do for a safe & comfortable life. Because sometimes, that leap of faith is important, to expose ourselves to something waaay bigger than before, or rather enlightenment to a whole new aspect of life that we never imagined could have existed. Can’t wait for the movies of Insurgent & Allegiant to be out, & no doubt these 3 books are in my iBooks already hee, really good reads!

It’s the long-awaited summer break but I’m still tied down/busy with things so, till the next time! x

Beating Heart

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If only there could be an invention that bottled up a memory, like scent.

And it never faded, never got stale.

And then, when one wanted it, the bottle could be uncorked,

and it would be like living the moment all over again.

Realised I haven’t been posting much these days, blame it on the stress from school, blame it from the lack of self-discipline, blame it on the laziness or whatever haha. Decided to post a quick one before I start the day proper, aka mugging/final assignment etc! 

Finals are approaching really quickly, ended the final project for the sem yesterday, and just when I thought I was done with assignments as well … one final assignment pops up during lecture ytd & it’s freaking due this Saturday ugh, hopefully I won’t end up screwing it up though I really don’t understand how to approach the assignment at all. Shall spend some time staring at it later in an attempt for some inspiration for what to write haha sigh alright perseverance is the key to success.

Yesterday was the worst day of the year so far, down with stomach flu/food poisoning. Felt really nauseous & ended up vomiting approximately 10 times or so within an hour, while waiting for my mum to fetch me home (in turn causing me to pon a lecture but I guess this is a legit reason). Literally felt like dying, uncomfortable/miserable is an understatement of what I felt yesterday. Kept breaking out into a cold sweat, could barely walk a few steps without feeling like I was going to wobble and fall, really light-headed. Basically one word: Bad. And I don’t ever want to experience that ever again. Thankful for medicine at home, took them and crashed for a few hours, woke up feeling slightly better & managed to keep apple slices down. But felt slightly nauseous again at approximately 10pm, so took med & headed to bed for an insanely early night. With all that said, thankful for the friends who showed concern, feeling waaaay better already 🙂 At least better than the mess I was yesterday haha. Can’t afford to be ill anymore with finals just round the corner, everyone please stay safe & healthy!

Really worried about something although I know I shouldn’t. If it’s meant to be, it will be. And if it isn’t, then it just isn’t. Shouldn’t worry/dwell too much into such thoughts. I guess it’s cos of hope, that’s making me so anxious. Ah well, shall wait out, and see how things unfold from there (: In the meantime I will stop thinking about it.

Beating Heart, the title of this post – the title of a song by Ellie Goulding 🙂 Freaking awesome song that’s really unique, and it’s one of the soundtracks for Divergent (which I have yet to watch omg). Recommended by Adelyn, so before listening to Beating Heart I knew I’ll love the song already. Because since 2007, every song recommended by Adelyn are songs that suit my taste. Beating Heart is really worth a listen, downloaded it & it’s currently on replay mode. Many many songs/albums to check out after finals, can’t wait to go song hunting! And Lana Del Rey’s going to release her album sooon, can’t wait for the first single West Coast to be out. Apparently the style of her upcoming album Ultraviolence will be similar to her previous albums, this is getting me so hyped up already hee.

My motivation for getting through finals is in 83 days’ time. I know it’s too early to countdown but I can’t help because it’s just so exciting + talking to Yumin & Sheryin about it every other day/how we are slowly starting to plan etc is making me look forward to it a lot. Time needs to fly past quickly, as long as finals are over, the freedom will set in omg hee & proper planning will start!

As the exam stress kicks in, everyone tends to get moodier & what-not. And I feel detached from the world & from my friends (prolly cos I reply less frequently idk), although it’s quite a nice feeling to be taking a break from social media/society in general. Slowly pulling away and cooping up in my safe haven, pondering over things that were once neglected due to the fast-paced lives we lead. Despite all that, I feel unspeakably lonely, and I feel drained. Really drained. It is like a blank state of mind and soul that can’t be described as it probably won’t make any difference. It’s like a private feeling I get – that of melting into a perpetual nervous breakdown. I am often questioning myself what I want to do, who I wish to be; which parts of me, exactly, are still functioning properly. And yet no answers, no answers at all.

Till the next time x

Thrown away memories

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Maybe things do happen for a reason, maybe they don’t. But no matter what, they still happen.

Back from my Taiwan getaway, it was a really meaningful experience as a whole, and a good time for me to just abandon all the troubles/worries back here in the sunny island of SG. Made new friends (: Belicia & Elvira, it’s so cool ‘cos Elvira is my FASS senior (she’s one year older), hope that I will be able to see her around NUS in the coming months/years, and hope she still remembers me hee. Anyway, experienced a typhoon for the first time in my life, way too cool, no kidding. The pre-typhoon wind was horrendously strong & the rain was continuous, super heavy rain! It’s pretty exciting to experience a natural disaster, although it made my flight back to SG delayed by approximately 6 hours or so |: Glad to have gone to Taiwan for a holiday, that’s one item off my bucket list to check off (:

Spent some time reminiscing ’em old Chinese songs that we used to listen to waaaay long time ago, it’s amazing how certain songs from the past can still evoke all the emotions in me. My all time fave Chinese song: 彩虹 by Jay Chou. And another song’s 能不能勇敢说爱 by Angela (: Lyrics are really … awesome. No words can explain how much I love these two songs (: And those were the days when life was still carefree, and when I still listened to Chinese songs (well alright for a while hahah but my main was always Avril’s songs at that time).

I don’t really know what to post about hmm |: And this post seems so incoherent/lame hahah but whatever just felt like typing. Thought about an interesting/weird/random question earlier today. What exactly is the definition of friends/friendship? I’m not sure, but to me that fine line between determining if someone’s a friend or just an acquaintance has been stepped over recklessly much too often.

Do you consider someone you know as your friend automatically? Or merely an acquaintance? And how many of you out there are truly my friends. When we were young, being friends was so straightforward. Common interests, knowing what the other person’s fave singer/colour/etc was, and yeah you get my point. How many of you know what’s my fave quote/singer/colour/song? This made me really interested to find out how much people actually do know about me. Because that thin line between friendship & acquaintance is almost too similar to that between love and hate, isn’t it?

I guess at the end, it all boils down to the varied perceptions of friendship. It’s not good to claim everyone whom you know as your friends y’know |: Just saying.

Alright I’ll stop blabbering nonsense here I obviously aren’t in the right mind & thoughts ain’t processing properly x__x

Till then x