Éloigne

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Life can teach you so much in such a short amount of time, and that’s just what the last few weeks have done for me.- Cirino 

Today, I witnessed these two Primary school boys being rowdy & disruptive on the bus, scolding vulgarities all too frequently, and cursing at every other thing they see.

Today, I saw this young boy throwing a tantrum and getting his mom to eventually piggy-back him, even though she looked so tired and uncomfortable doing so.

These made me so upset . . . and momentarily, I lost faith in humanity.

Today, I walked past so many happy faces, taking photos with their friends and/or department sign, they must be thankful for the friendships forged throughout their undergraduate days.

Today, I saw this elderly uncle make way for a total stranger to enter the bus first, and how he wished the bus driver a good day after.

At least, these are signs that not all hope is lost 🙂

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L’espoir

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There is nothing good or bad but thinking makes it so. -William Shakespeare 

So tempted to just abandon all commitments for a day & just embrace books after books (and no I’m not talking about textbooks), haven’t read from a physical book in a pretty long while and that greatly upsets me because reading is (one of) my form(s) of escapism from reality. Caught myself drifting to Times/Popular Bookstores everytime I’m out & about, just to browse through the books displayed. Holding back (self-control gosh) not to read Me Before You by Jojo Moyes yet till the movie hits the big screen – the extended trailer looks so, so good, I’m a sucker for movies of this genre, almost sure I’ll bawl at some point in time during the movie *o*

Life hasn’t been the best yet in the past week but I’m starting to pick up the pieces of me that I left behind along the way. Heightened self-awareness leads to more probing of oneself, which in some sense is beneficial, but definitely tiring. Still trying to come to terms & rationalise certain emotions that I’m feeling, but it’s easier said than done & I’m honestly drained. Tired of how thoughts inevitably start going in circles & coming to no conclusion ultimately; could this possibly mean that I actually have a conclusion in mind that I refuse to accept, thus I’ll just choose to ignore it?

The heart dies a slow death, shedding each hope like leaves, until one day there are none.
No hopes. Nothing remains.
– Arthur Golden

I learnt that ambiguity is a dangerous thing. Ambiguity leaves room for imagination, and with imagination comes the glimmer of hope. With hope comes expectations, and when expectations aren’t met, things start spiralling down. Who’s there to blame ultimately? Is it the people who failed to meet your expectations? Or should the blame be directed towards nobody but yourself, for having the audacity to hope? I’m in desperate need of some clarity in my life now.

On a lighter note, amidst my crazy busy hectic insane schedule, I managed to head down to different RVPs to volunteer yay 🙂 Not a stranger to most of these places as I’ve headed down previously, but volunteering makes my heart feel so, so full every single time ❤ Gaining new insights with every interaction I have with the beneficiaries, understanding them better, and through them, I understand myself a little more each time. The hours spent volunteering each week are the hours where I get to temporarily put down whatever baggage I have, leave my worries aside, and really enjoy myself in that short time span. And for that, I’m beyond grateful for the breather. Skeptical about how much impact I could have left in their lives from a mere visit or two, but thankful for such opportunities, albeit acknowledging that there’s more I could do for them. Hope they enjoyed my presence as much as I loved their accompaniment 🙂

Food for thought – if we are introducing adhoc into regularity for somewhat personal reasons of growth & learning, are we actually doing more harm than good to those involved? For one, my heart really, really broke when I witnessed a particular scene recently hmm.

Another food for thought – I’m starting to recognise the importance of passion in tiding one through difficulties & issues. I used to acknowledge this truth, but only till recent did I truly embrace the significance of passion.

Week 12 isn’t going to be easy, but as with all tough times previously, we’ll tide through it. The severe lack of sleep from the past few days is starting to take its toll on me, wonder how long it’ll be before I reach my breaking point. So much for testing boundaries and limits haha.

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P.S. I finally got my hands on new calligraphy nibs hehe, time to practice more English calligraphy when I’m free 🙂

x

Almost

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How many bad days do you have to get through to finally deserve a good day because honestly, I need a break.

Read this quote on Tumblr and it struck me so hard, it’s the perfect reflection of what I’m going through these days. It’s getting difficult again, balancing everything and more importantly, coming to terms with my emotions.

Sometimes, you feel as though it’s you against the world. On nights like these, when all you crave for is to be understood, what you get in return is nothing but bouts of disappointment, in the world, in the people around you, in yourself.

It’s easy for people to advise and preach about how there are better things to focus on, instead of moping in the whirlpool of emotions that tend towards negativity. It’s easy for people to tell you to leave the past behind, for what’s done cannot be undone. But have they ever realised, that perhaps, some things can never be left behind no matter how hard you try. Perhaps, these things don’t belong to the past. Perhaps, these things belong to you.

A few days ago, I randomly chanced upon this post that was left in the cobwebs of drafts and never made it to endlessparadigm. It was an unfinished post, one that was filled with irony in comparison to the state of my life currently. Since the post was drafted, so much has changed. Something quoted from a (used to be) close friend, that was said in the unfinished post was:

Always trust in the person until they break your trust.

The amount of weight that statement carries right now is just so, so suffocating. And I realised how reluctant I am to have had to let go of the friendship. I know there isn’t any point in harping on it anymore, and trust me when I say that I’ve contemplated endless times on whether I should attempt to revive the friendship. But like the cliché saying goes, it takes two hands to clap. For what it’s worth, I don’t want to be the one trying while knowing the outcome right from the very start. Because truth be told, I’m tired. I’m tired of trying, and maybe I’m selfish but I’d rather live in oblivion of the harsh truth of reality.

But at the same time, there’s that curiosity, there’s the need for closure. What should you do, when you’re experiencing hopeful sadness? Or rather, what could you do, when you’re handicapped by so many factors?

Sometimes you need to distance yourself and create alone time – so you can connect with who you really are, and discover for yourself what you want out of life.

Almost wasn’t quite enough for me. Till the next time x

Breathe

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breathe.
whatever you’re doing right now.
take a deep breath, then another.
you are so beautiful.
has anyone told you that lately?
and there’s something more important.
you’re strong.
sometimes it feels like you’re not.
maybe even most of the time.
but please don’t ever forget.
you’re stronger than you know.
every day, you wake up. no matter what. no matter what you’re gone through,
you wake up in the morning, take a second & appreciate that.
after all these years, you still have hope.
maybe it’s buried inside you.
maybe that sounds ridiculous.
but you keep going every goddamn day.
and that makes you incredible.
but breathe today, breathe right now.
sometimes things are too much.
and I want you to know that’s okay.
there will be times when you want to break down & cry,
times when you want to fall asleep and never ever wake up again.
that doesn’t make you weak.
it makes you human.
and that’s beautiful, too.
after all that you’ve  been through, you can still feel.
never underestimate that.
because you know what that means?
there’s hope.
it means that you’ll feel love & happiness.
it means you’ll feel pride & joy.
it means you’re still alive, but more than that,
it means you’re still living.
stay strong.
stay beautiful.
never stop feeling.

but sometimes, just breathe.

x

Prelude of love

Image

 

Things happen, & it makes who I am.

As much as we want the past to completely vanish, it’s impossible.

The past is a part of who we are. It’s an unwanted tattoo.

And the present acts much like our pieces of clothing. It covers the tattoo.

My past is my tattoo, it may fade away, but it’s still there.

x

Relishing in freedom, change isn’t something people can easily adapt to.

People choose not to change, because they’re afraid of what change brings them.

But sometimes, people don’t have a choice.

Change comes with the future, & the only thing left for people to do, is get used to it. 

 

Change can be for the better. It may break people down, but it can also build them up.

Considering all the factors, how can my feelings not change?

We’re strangers, but with memories.

 

Here’s the catch with change.

Change doesn’t just affect one aspect in life – somehow, it spreads to other things as well.

It’s like a bottle of ink.

You knock it over, expecting it to stop right before it reaches the end of the table top.

But that’s not the case.

 

The ink will continue to drip down & spread to other areas.

And just like we have to be prepared to catch the droplets of ink,

we have to be ready to accept change.

x

Love is something as fragile as glass.

If someone breaks your heart, the glass is broken.

The person who wants to pursue you next has  the task of piecing together the glass together.

In the process, the person gets hurt too.

So I guess everybody gets hurt in the end. 

x

Read a story recently & these quotes/paragraphs stood out so … just wanted to document it here for remembrance sake 🙂 x

Glimmer of hope

I think everyone, at some point, goes through that one moment where they think “I can’t do this.” But you know what? You can. No matter how close you are to the edge, no matter how badly you feel like giving up, or think it’s best to do so rather than have to put up with the pain – don’t. Don’t lose hope that things will get better. Don’t give up, because there is someone out there who will make you smile in a way no one else ever could. Keep that glimmer of hope alive in your heart, because someone is out there searching for your smile. So wipe your tears and keep your head held high.