Atelophobia

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In life, you can’t aim to please everyone. No matter what you do, there will always be disagreements. Just like how there’s always two sides to the coin, every matter can, and will, be perceived in different perspectives. Who’s allowed to discern the right from wrong, to have the ultimate say in things? Sometimes, stepping back & analyzing the entire situation, while putting away all prior prejudice or unhappiness, may be the only way to work things out. Whatever it is, it all boils down to sincerity & priorities I guess.

The non-existent recess week started & ended well, though the in-between is far from ideal. Had our very first cannies outing on Monday @ Marina Barrage! It went relatively well, and honestly this bunch of people are really nice to hang out with. Hopeefully I’ll be able to lose the awkwardness around me & properly bond with them. At least for one, I know that there’s something to look forward to after finals! 🙂

Headed to The Punggol Settlement for the first time yesterday, it was mindblowing/breathtaking & so damn therapeutic. The serenity in the environment, and non-crowded pathways, with the strong wind really made the entire atmosphere so calm & peaceful. Which is the exact opposite of how things are currently in life (sadly). Definitely heading back there whenever I have time, and gained a new interest in discovering such hidden gems in Singapore after finals as well! 🙂

I’ve spent the past week questioning my commitments & wondering if I’m just incapable to handle so many things. I’ve confided in my usual few regulars & thanks guys for listening + giving all the advice :’) It’s really heartening to have friends willing to stay up just to chat. In that aspect, I know I’m blessed :’) The overwhelming feeling of pending items to do really stressed me out, and when my laptop crashed a few days back, it really served as the trigger point of all my unhappiness. Literally spent my time moping around doing nothing, and I felt so handicapped without my laptop. Glad to have it back as I’m happily typing away on it, but R.I.P. to my iTunes (for the second time), where ALL my songs are gone and I have to go through the painful process of redownloading all my songs again *cries* That will have to wait after finals if I’m able to free some time up hmm.

With all that aside, I heeded the advice of listing down every single thing I need to do (even the smallest or simplest tasks). And it really worked! A couple of days ago, I started with having 36 items on my to-do list, and currently I’m down to 29. It really made me feel better & weirdly motivating to be more productive 🙂 Despite the huge amount of backlogs I’ve accumulated in the past few weeks of academics, this little amount of productivity is evidence of progressing forward.

So in response to whether I’m having any second thoughts to all my commitments:

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🙂 Take things in stride, everything will work out eventually. After all, everything happens for a reason.

Slept later than normal these days, I should really be trying to regulate my sleep cycle hmm. Can’t wait for this week to be over, and definitely going to embrace next week because it’s e-learning, even though it’s packed with meetings/schedules/things to do already whooops. Can’t wait for Saturday to be here already, hanging out sessions are always precious because physical meet-ups beat whatsapp/text any day.

Song to recommend: Serial Killer – Lana Del Rey. Simply got to love all of Lana’s songs, and this is my latest addiction haha. A pity that it’s an unreleased song though, wish it would be included in her album someday ): And I’m always open for song recommendations (especially English songs), so please share if you have any!

Random but a few days back when I was blasting Innocence by Avril Lavigne, my sis commented about how she’s sick of this song because I’ve been playing it since it got released in 2007 HAHA. Which made me realise that it’s pretty fascinating how it has remained as my all-time favourite song after 8 years (& counting) :’) Love how beautiful the lyrics are, love how soothing Avril’s voice is, love how pleasing the melody is. Glad to have Avril’s songs as an accompaniment of my growing up process, so thrilled for her 6th studio album please release it soon! I will always be a loyal Black Star ★

Here’s a rose for everyone out there having a hard time. Always remember, tough times don’t last, tough people do. Press on, all the best for midterms (if any). Oh and A level results are released in approximately an hour, so nervous/excited for my juniors! And I miss hwach days.

Till the next time x

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Little Black Star

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27 September marks a very special day for all Little Black Stars. Exactly 30 years ago, our inspiration was born on this very day 🙂

#Happy30thBirthdayAvril 

There’s just something about the lyrics/melody of songs of Avril’s that resonates within me, I literally LOVE every.single.song. There are many people who claim that the standard of her songs are deteriorating or whatsoever but I strongly beg to differ – just look at the songs from her latest self-composed self-titled album Avril Lavigne, it’s perfection as usual :’)

Life is like a rolling coaster. Live it. Be happy. Enjoy life.
– Avril Lavigne

And so … she has released 5 studio albums thus far, & I’ve dedicated the entire day to listen to her songs, to commemorate this special day! (On a sidenote, I’m SO jealous of all ’em fans who get to join Avril’s birthday party @ Vegas today omg 😦 )

Let Go (2002)
Under My Skin (2004)
The Best Damn Thing (2007)
Goodbye Lullaby (2011)
Avril Lavigne (2014)

I sincerely can’t wait for her to release her sixth, seventh, eighth & counting studio albums hee. It will probably be years before her next album is out, but definitely worth the wait. I’ve waited for 3 years for Avril Lavigne to be released, I’m willing to wait another 3 years for the next album :’) & so thankful that as a Little Black Star, I finally got the chance to enjoy her concert & see her in real life on 15 Feb 2014 this year, for The Avril Lavigne Tour. I was so, so overwhelmed with feels, literally.

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Why should I care what other people think of me? I am who I am. And who I wanna be.
– Avril Lavigne

Avril Lavigne will ALWAYS be my inspiration, and her songs are the ones I can fall back on whenever I’m sad/happy/lonely/blissful or whatever. & they strive as my motivation to carry on & keep holding on, no matter how tough things might get in life. There’s just so many things that I want to say but words will NEVER be able to encapsulate my admiration for Avril, from how she’s so persistent in her own personality & doesn’t conform to society, to the fact that she’d rather spend time trying to conceive tears to make her Wish You Were Here MV seem more real/touching (& hell did it evoke ’em strong emotions within me).

Saw a Little Black Star caption this on instagram, it’s so true indeed:

30 years ago my hero, my inspiration, my saviour was born ❤ Your music was there for me when I need someone there. When I would have a bad day, your music would save me from slipping away from my mind. When I was happy your upbeat music would make me smile even more. When I needed someone to understand you let me know that everybody hurts someday and it’s okay. When I was weak you told me to keep holding on. Words can’t honestly tell you how much you’ve gotten me through. Without your beautiful, unique and special voice I don’t know how I would survive. We’re all proud of you.

That’s why we save your photos
We save your videos
We save your music
Because you saved our lives.

(cr: avrillavigne_1984 on insta)

And I really wanna share my all-time favorite, Innocence, from The Best Damn Thing album in 2011 🙂 The lyrics of Innocence will always be my favorite, I guess it’s an ideal that I aim to attain in life someday. & have I mentioned how therapeutic it is to play Innocence on the piano? (‘:

P.S. There isn’t an actual MV for this song (sadly), but this version has been really, really famous & garnering a lot of views; it’s a compilation/snippets from her various MVs, worth the watch!

Happy 30th Birthday once again to my eternal inspiration, Avril Ramona Lavigne ❤ x

Ending off with the full lyrics of Innocence.

Waking up I see that everything is okay
The first time in my life and now it’s so great
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed
I think about the little things that make life great

I wouldn’t change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliant
I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect
Please don’t go away
I need you now
And I’ll hold on to it
Don’t you let it pass you by

I found a place so safe, not a single tear
The first time in my life and now it’s so clear
Feel calm, I belong, I’m so happy here
It’s so strong and now I let myself be sincere

I wouldn’t change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliant
I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect
Please don’t go away
I need you now
And I’ll hold on to it
Don’t you let it pass you by

It’s a state of bliss, you think you’re dreaming
It’s the happiness inside that you’re feeling
It’s so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
It’s a state of bliss, you think you’re dreaming
It’s the happiness inside that you’re feeling
It’s so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

It’s so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
This innocence is brilliant
Makes you wanna cry
This innocence is brilliance
Please don’t go away
Cause I need you now
And I’ll hold on to it
Don’t you let it pass you by

Shots

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Sometimes you just need to cry & be sad.
You need to break down & be torn apart.
You need to learn to pick yourself up & put yourself back together.
Sometimes, the only way to be happy is to give into sadness first,
because without sadness, there is no happiness; you would never learn to smile.

The long-awaited recess week is FINALLY here! So here I am, after deciding to update endlessparadigm proper instead of the previous few short ones. Indulgence at its best these few days, evidentlyyyy.

Recess week started off really well (: Spent last Saturday at committee bonding session/outing, where we headed to Safra Toa Payoh for bowling session, before going to Raffles City/Marina Square/Suntec City … for llaollao & to shop around! Retail therapy is ALWAYS the best, although it’s hard to control spending (but I did!). Guilty pleasure in the form of materialistic items, it’s good to indulge once in a while hee. Hoping for more comm bonding opportunities in the future, this bunch of people are really awesome & such, it’s going to be an interesting academic year ahead, & I foresee reluctance to step down after this AY actually haha but okaaaaay I’ll cherish whatever time there is with the comm (: Everyone is so vastly different from each other, but I’m really hoping that we will all fall nicely together like puzzle pieces.

Sunday was a pretty … nostalgic one? Because it’s the last tuition session that I have with Char before her PSLE papers! Can’t believe that it has been more than a year since I started being her tuition teacher, it’s amazing how much we have progressed & the amount of rapport built in my term of teaching. There’s just this innocence in primary school kids that cannot be found in youths/teenagers/young adults/adults these days … somewhere along the way, in the process of growing up, this innocence just gets buried within. I’m definitely going to miss having 4h-long sessions with her every weekend, where along the way she’d share with me bits & pieces of her school life & what-nots. I feel really heartened whenever she shares such stuff with me because she’s definitely not obliged to, but her doing so shows the trust she has in me, & that she genuinely doesn’t mind sharing such info with me (: Rapport is really, really important. Might be tutoring her for secondary school work, shall see how it goes! I’ll cherish the loom bracelet & charm that she made for me as a teachers’ day gift, so so touched by these little actions :’) & she was really happy when she received the muji stuff I got for her as a farewell-cum-PSLE-encouragement gift hee. Little joys in lifeee, it can be in the form of such simplicity (‘:

Monday was insane. Mugging session with study buddy A! Decided to camp at CLB from 10am to 9pm haha, it was quite a productive session & I definitely use my phone waaaay less than when I’m studying at home & stuff. So it’s a good first step! Enjoy studying with A a lot since … secondary school days? & I really love mugging at CLB 3rd floor, it has been my safe haven since Y1S1, and definitely gonna continue to study there whenever the opportunity arises. Looking forward to the upcoming study sessions, in the meantime enjoy your trip & stay safe alright! x

Todaaaaaay. RVP Mass Meeting fom 10-1pm, & mentoring session from 4.30-9pm. So so tired, but damn worth it. Hmm so during RVP Mass Meeting, we wrote a letter to ourselves! On what we hope to achieve as a RVP chairperson + committee member + volunteer + ourselves. I find such things really meaningful, tried it before on my OCIP Cambodia team & felt like it worked out pretty well! Hoping that I’ll be able to fulfill whatever I penned down in the letter to myself, dated 23 Sept 2014. Perhaps I’ll post my letter up in a review post of my term as a member of YR in the future, shall see how it goes! Mentoring session today was an eye-opener. Mentored a new girl today, and I could say I felt the genuine pride & happiness upon each question she answered correctly :’) These youths are my happy little pills, the reason for me to pull through each hectic day of the week so as to meet them on our usual Tuesday evenings :’) As mentors, we indeed, have a lot to offer to the youths; but I sincerely believe that the youths have so much more to offer to us as well, and I can see (& witness) the potential in each & every one of them. So I hope that none of them will ever give up on themselves, because for one, I will NEVER give up on them (‘: Thank you youths, for allowing me to gain new insights & perspectives after each mentoring session. I love how overwhelmed with emotions & thoughts I feel after each session (in a good way of course), to the extent that attempting to pen down my thoughts are restricting my encapsulation of feelings. One thing’s for sure, I’m never giving up volunteering in my life :’) It’s waaaay too important to me.

Hmm so that’s for my daily updates … yup. Anyway these few days have made me see many things in different perspectives (yet again), & I think it’s really amusing/funny how you try to hard at all these futile attempts because I simply won’t acknowledge them anymore. Continue to try, but all I’m going to say is that the joke’s on you, because I’m not affected at all. Or at least I won’t show you I am. In this game of life, I won’t be the loser unless I deem so.

On a sidenote, crossing my fingers that things will be … okay. Don’t exactly wanna cross paths with you anymore though it seems inevitable so, hoping for the best. Because I don’t think I can take a second round of all that has happened in the past any longer yup. Really, really worried but I don’t want this to burden me anymore like it did last time. & I don’t exactly want my world to start crashing down again, now that it just started to get back on track.

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Got tagged to do the 20 facts about me, prolly will post it up soon! I really should stop all the late nights it’s getting unhealthy albeit not taking a toll on my physical health (as of now), despite the frequent headaches/migraines though I’m kind of used to them already haha.

Can’t believe I just typed such a long post! Till the next time x