Why

Why, do you always do this to me?
Why, couldn’t you just see through me?
How come, you act like this
Like you just don’t care at all

Do you expect me to believe I was the only one to fall?
I can feel, I can feel you near me, even though you’re far away
I can feel, I can feel you baby, why

It’s not supposed to feel this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It’s not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, do you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why

Hey, listen to what we’re not saying
Let’s play, a different game than what we’re playing
Try, to look at me and really see my heart

Do you expect me to believe I’m gonna let us fall apart?
I can feel, I can feel you near me, even when you’re far away
I can feel, I can feel you baby, why

It’s not supposed to feel this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It’s not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why

So go and think about whatever you need to think about
Go on and dream about whatever you need to dream about
And come back to me when you know just how you feel, you feel
I can feel, I can feel you near me, even though you’re far away
I can feel, I can feel you baby, why

It’s not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It’s not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me

It’s not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It’s not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, do you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why

***

One of my favourites from Avril’s debut album waaaaaay back in 2002 🙂 x

A Little Happy

A little happy is all it ever takes Somebody else just tell you that it’s worth fighting A single step becomes a leap a faith That’s when you realize just starting flying

Avril Lavigne dropped her latest single today, titled Fly! It’s a really meaningful song as she released it in association with the 2015 Special Olympics World Summer Games. Quoted a verse from the song above, the lyrics for Fly are really meaningful, and applicable in different circumstances, no matter what you may be going through currently. So so happy for this song to be released so timely, serving as a source of motivation (& a new song to get hooked on to) amidst these few hectic & insane weeks. With the submission of the final project today, I can finally embark on focused preparations for the upcoming finals. Less than a month before the end of finals and the start of a little getaway, before returning back to fulfilling commitments all over again. Packed summer ahead with many events revolving around my passion, so I’m actually pretty much looking forward to summer break! It’ll be tiring, but a different kind of tired – a fun & definitely meaningful one at that. tumblr_nmo1slc9uG1s62z8ro1_400

People talk about closure, but I don’t buy it. When someone blasts a hole in your life, it tends to stay open. If that wound heals, the surface remains tainted by scars that sink deeper. I do believe in healing. But losing someone, or being hurt by another isn’t something you just move on from. You don’t go back to the same person you were before. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing. But there’s no denying that once inflicted, even healed wounds have now become a part of you.

This is a new perspective of things, worth pondering over. I guess it’s the same concept of people saying that things are just masking over each other, and yet no matter how deeply embedded or hidden away they are, they still exist. It’s still there, you just don’t see it at the surface level. Embrace the differences, the ups and downs in your life; feel thankful for being strong enough to handle the tough times, feel grateful for the little happy things that occur, for they all matter. Saw this quote on Tumblr a few days back, posting it here because I really love & believe in the idea/concept of soulmates 🙂

A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out & we can be completely & honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are & not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we’re two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we’ve found the right person.

Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life.

Alright till the next time, everyone go listen to Avril’s song okay please support her & the incredible song Fly yaaay okay bye x

Atelophobia

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In life, you can’t aim to please everyone. No matter what you do, there will always be disagreements. Just like how there’s always two sides to the coin, every matter can, and will, be perceived in different perspectives. Who’s allowed to discern the right from wrong, to have the ultimate say in things? Sometimes, stepping back & analyzing the entire situation, while putting away all prior prejudice or unhappiness, may be the only way to work things out. Whatever it is, it all boils down to sincerity & priorities I guess.

The non-existent recess week started & ended well, though the in-between is far from ideal. Had our very first cannies outing on Monday @ Marina Barrage! It went relatively well, and honestly this bunch of people are really nice to hang out with. Hopeefully I’ll be able to lose the awkwardness around me & properly bond with them. At least for one, I know that there’s something to look forward to after finals! 🙂

Headed to The Punggol Settlement for the first time yesterday, it was mindblowing/breathtaking & so damn therapeutic. The serenity in the environment, and non-crowded pathways, with the strong wind really made the entire atmosphere so calm & peaceful. Which is the exact opposite of how things are currently in life (sadly). Definitely heading back there whenever I have time, and gained a new interest in discovering such hidden gems in Singapore after finals as well! 🙂

I’ve spent the past week questioning my commitments & wondering if I’m just incapable to handle so many things. I’ve confided in my usual few regulars & thanks guys for listening + giving all the advice :’) It’s really heartening to have friends willing to stay up just to chat. In that aspect, I know I’m blessed :’) The overwhelming feeling of pending items to do really stressed me out, and when my laptop crashed a few days back, it really served as the trigger point of all my unhappiness. Literally spent my time moping around doing nothing, and I felt so handicapped without my laptop. Glad to have it back as I’m happily typing away on it, but R.I.P. to my iTunes (for the second time), where ALL my songs are gone and I have to go through the painful process of redownloading all my songs again *cries* That will have to wait after finals if I’m able to free some time up hmm.

With all that aside, I heeded the advice of listing down every single thing I need to do (even the smallest or simplest tasks). And it really worked! A couple of days ago, I started with having 36 items on my to-do list, and currently I’m down to 29. It really made me feel better & weirdly motivating to be more productive 🙂 Despite the huge amount of backlogs I’ve accumulated in the past few weeks of academics, this little amount of productivity is evidence of progressing forward.

So in response to whether I’m having any second thoughts to all my commitments:

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🙂 Take things in stride, everything will work out eventually. After all, everything happens for a reason.

Slept later than normal these days, I should really be trying to regulate my sleep cycle hmm. Can’t wait for this week to be over, and definitely going to embrace next week because it’s e-learning, even though it’s packed with meetings/schedules/things to do already whooops. Can’t wait for Saturday to be here already, hanging out sessions are always precious because physical meet-ups beat whatsapp/text any day.

Song to recommend: Serial Killer – Lana Del Rey. Simply got to love all of Lana’s songs, and this is my latest addiction haha. A pity that it’s an unreleased song though, wish it would be included in her album someday ): And I’m always open for song recommendations (especially English songs), so please share if you have any!

Random but a few days back when I was blasting Innocence by Avril Lavigne, my sis commented about how she’s sick of this song because I’ve been playing it since it got released in 2007 HAHA. Which made me realise that it’s pretty fascinating how it has remained as my all-time favourite song after 8 years (& counting) :’) Love how beautiful the lyrics are, love how soothing Avril’s voice is, love how pleasing the melody is. Glad to have Avril’s songs as an accompaniment of my growing up process, so thrilled for her 6th studio album please release it soon! I will always be a loyal Black Star ★

Here’s a rose for everyone out there having a hard time. Always remember, tough times don’t last, tough people do. Press on, all the best for midterms (if any). Oh and A level results are released in approximately an hour, so nervous/excited for my juniors! And I miss hwach days.

Till the next time x

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Wings

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Lights go down
In the moment we’re lost & found
I just wanna be by your side
If these wings could fly
Damn these walls
In the moment we’re ten feet tall
And how you told me after it all
We’d remember tonight
For the rest of our lives

It’s approaching 4 in the morning and I’m not even close to being done with my last assignment for the semester, before I embark on the arduous mugging journey for the remaining days leading up to finals. Hoping for an increase in productivity & completion of this assignment before it’s due at 6pm on Sunday.

The last official day of lessons for the semester is officially over 🙂 Not too pleasantly it had to end with cog psych test, but I guess it went well. Hoping for a decent score & placing on the bell curve, but then again luck has never been on my side. Anywaaaay, this semester has been a really … interesting/fruitful one? There were many changes/new introductions in my life, and I’m still trying to cope with everything that’s going on. Many thoughts about this semester, both academically & non-academically, will definitely blog about the first semester as a year 2 undergraduate soon!

Back to the assignment, till the next time x

Broken Ones

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Cross your heart and say you’ve never given up
That you carried on when every door was shut
That you live, you live with no regret
We wear a smile to hide that we’ve been hurt before
Keep our disasters in a suitcase by the door,
‘Cause you know, you know we’re only human

So lay your hands on the left behind
We all know how it feels to be forgotten for a while
In a crowded place trying not to feel alone,
Just remember that we’ve all been broken once
Let’s love the broken ones
Love the broken ones

Raise your glass to all the words we never say
We do our best, but still we look the other way,
‘Cause sometimes it’s easier to run
‘Cause after all, we’re only human

So drained, too many thoughts on my mind. Such mixed feelings it’s … insane. Just when I thought things were turning better, life proves me otherwise.

I’ve seen the picture posted above quite a few times on tumblr & each time I see it, I feel drawn into it somehow. Perhaps it’s due to the fact that it’s sort of a spinoff from my favorite Disney movie, or perhaps it’s due to the black & white image. Monochromatic colors seem to be attracting me a lot these days. Whatever it is, it’s time to wake up from this dream & head back to reality.

The irony of words have always been playing with my heart/mind, whatever haha till the next time when I’m less drained to type a proper post x

Closures

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Basking in post-midterms indulgence for the entire weekend, before resuming the life of an undergraduate when Monday comes again. Glad that Monday is a public holiday, much needed long weekend indeed, after going through hell of a week due to midterms stress & what-nots.

Friday night was awesome. Rushed to GV Vivo with my horror movie fanatic just to take pictures of/with the Annabelle doll exhibited there, & rushed to GV PS to catch Annabelle (because the seats left for GV Vivo screening was undesirable). Kind of crazy haha, the things we do just to see the doll. It looks so magnificently creepy, & so so intriguing when you just stand in front of the glass case to stare into the eyes of Annabelle. Anyway for those unfamiliar, Annabelle is a prequel/spinoff from The Conjuring (2013). Annabelle wasn’t as scary as The Conjuring, & we were really amused by the audience. If you don’t know what movie we were watching, I swear by just listening to the reactions, you’d think a comedy was screening – because everyone kept laughing during the movie. Despite Annabelle being not scary (at all), it was a nice movie & I’d say worth the watch I guess? I’m glad I managed to catch it because I’ve been waiting for it since forever. Another horror/thriller called Ouija coming soon, to be released on 20 Oct, & it’s another movie date yaaaay haha. Ouija’s trailer looks promising & I think the movie’s tagline is short, sweet & cool.

Keep telling yourself it’s just a game.

Met up with A yesterday. Every meetup with A results in exploring many places haha went to 313/Orchard Gateway/Ion Orchard/Taka/PS & we did major shopping. Lunch was at Ootoya & the food was gooood + ambience is quite suitable to go there solo actually haha (thanks Marcus for the recommendation!) It was quite an epic time trying to find Ootoya haha but then again, since when were things normal when hanging out with A. Tried Tsujiri Parfait as well, & absolutely loved it. The matcha was sooo authentic without having the grainy feel, & the red bean was not too sweet – basically the combination of everything was just right (: Retail therapy at its best, I’m really satisfied with all the buys haha especially the loots from F21 omg *o* Guilty pleasures indeed, shopping with A has always been fun & uncontrollable HAHA. Shan’t elaborate further, ’em memories will always be etched in my mind.

With the end of midterms comes time for self indulgence, aka painting nails etc haha. Can’t wait to dye my hair soon, new colour to experiment I hope it wouldn’t turn out too bad. & I really wanna get permanent pink streaks someday ahhaha shall see how it goesss.

5 October 2014 marks two things:

  1. Exactly one year since OGSSG; the day/night of magic where we witnessed the perfection of Infinite @ Singapore Indoor Stadium for their very first solo concert in Singapore :’) I still remember queuing for mosh pit since mega early morning, & how we were all so overwhelmed by the close proximity we were in with Infinite (since we braved the mosh pit haha)
  2. Woke up to the news of Dongwoo going to Laws of the Jungle oh my gosh. I really love LOTJ, but after watching a few seasons, I know how dangerous it is since they have to brave the natural environment & what-nots. Really excited to watch LOTJ Costa Rica for Dongwoo though, really x fingers that he will be safe filming for this programme omg 😦

The past few days have been spent having late night chats (while studying for midterms of course ahha). & talking to someone made me realize how wrong I’ve been so far. In the search (or rather pursuit) of someone who fits certain criteria, I realized how I’ve forsaken the worth of another. I’m glad it’s not too late, & at least I didn’t jeopardize the other in any way. To the other you, thank you for being there throughout for me & occasionally asking for updates on non-existent happenings, & just checking on my daily life randomly or actually putting in an effort to maintain this friendship 🙂 Because these little actions really matter a lot to me.

It’s really, really hard but I’m trying. Albeit being upset, I’m going to have to start to build ’em walls up because I don’t even think you know you broke through them & just when I thought you’d enter, you just carelessly left without knowing. Maybe we started off on the wrong page, because your perceptions of me are probably so skewed, how I seemed so vulnerable when you first knew me. I don’t blame it on the wrong timings, because after all everything happens for a reason. & I strongly believe that if you can’t handle me at my worst, then there’s no point at all since my best will only be a facade/a part of me that you’d appreciate.

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain & touch our wounds with a warm & tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief & bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing & face us with the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.

I’m not looking for someone who can go crazy & high with the socially awkward me, I need someone who can empathize with my dark side & genuinely offer a listening ear without brushing me off so carelessly. It takes a lot of courage to open up to someone, especially for people like me. It’s the kind where you can just sit together or walk alongside each other, without any spoken words exchanged, yet it’s a comfortable silence 🙂

Cherish the people around you, because if you don’t, they will just silently slip away from your life, quietly. Just like how I’m going to slip away from yours, because honestly I think I’m done trying. & yeah you might still be putting me through occasional emotional turmoils, but I’m not going to try anymore because I’m tired of non-reciprocal responses. Though after all these, I don’t regret letting you in on those secrets/thoughts, because I know I still trust you to safekeep them for me 🙂 Thanks for the memories, but perhaps it’s time for some closures. Maybe in the future, should our paths continue to intertwine, we can start off proper all over again.

This is the memory
This is the curse of having
Too much time to think about it
It’s killing me
This is the last time
This is my forgiveness
This is endless

Till the next time, endlessparadigm x

Puzzles

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you don’t even notice like a puzzle we are broken
lying in pieces on the floor
what are you waiting for?

all the cracks are showing
like a puzzle we are broken
lying in pieces on the floor

Wake me up when September ends isn’t valid anymore because it’s the last day of September & nooooo don’t wake me up. Too tired, too drained these days … If only people realised how, broken I am on the inside.

On a sidenote, definitely gonna miss weekly mentoring sessions with the youths, they bring so much joy to my life :”)

So … till the next time we meet again

x