Milestones

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We make such messes in this life, messes of different intensities. But wiping the surface clean doesn’t really make anything any neater. it just masks what is beneath. It’s only when you really dig down deep, go underground, that you can see who you really are.

endlessparadigm has been with me through the various stages in my uni life, and with this post, I’ll document yet another milestone – another crazy insane unbelievable decision finalised in the past two days. Not sure how it’ll all turn out, still overwhelmed, but with the support & advice from various people, I guess it’s really time to be daring enough to go for it. One year back, should anyone ask if I was interested, I would just laugh it off and lament on how my abilities for this are simply non-existent. Today, as I’m typing this, I admit that the self-doubt still exists, the uncertainty in this, but I’ll try, and do whatever it takes to ensure that I won’t jeopardise anything, and hopefully make a difference and contribute in the many little ways I can 🙂

It’ll be a hectic month ahead for preparations, and if everything turns out successfully, it’ll be a hectic AY ahead. Hoping to be able to tide through all these, for this learning journey & experience is one that’s hard to come by – and now that I have the chance, I’ll make the best of how things are. I must be crazy, but a good kind of crazy.

For someone who’s rather emotions-oriented, the past few days have allowed me to see all the support/care/concerns the people around me have, which is really heartening 🙂 For giving me advice, weighing the pros and cons of such a decision, being worried I would burn out, thinking if I would be able to juggle the various commitments etc etc, I’m so so touched and blessed to have such a wonderful group of friends around me 🙂 As a bonus, I even got advice from someone who’s so inspiring & to put it simply, a legend in this scene. So honoured HAHA lucky me.

It’ll definitely not be a smooth sailing journey ahead, but that’s where I get to learn from right? What’s a role without challenges, it’ll just mean I’m not doing enough – not being critical enough of situations, and just playing it safe. Which isn’t something I’m aiming for, should I assume this role in the coming AY.

Thank you to everyone who has allowed me to confide in them for the past few days, all your opinions mean a lot to me, and through this experience, I’ll try to be a better person, and a better leader.

Had the first meet-up to discuss goals/general direction yesterday, although we sidetracked waaaaay too much, I think the general consensus for the direction has been set. So excited, and with a hopeful heart, this journey will begin. At least for one, I know that there wouldn’t be a lack of support, and we’ll all progress together, and help each other out. I’m not alone in this 🙂

Jiayou shiao, trust yourself as much as others trust you x

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Tree of Life

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Life is too short. Stop spending time with the wrong people.
Stop spending time with people who suck the happiness out of you.
If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.
You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.

Never, ever stay with the person that continuously overlooks your worth.
Remember, it’s not the person that stands by your side when you’re at your best,
but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst.

The past few days have been better, so thankful for random snippets of conversations in my life that takes away the fatigue/tiredness from current issues faced. Trying to stay optimistic, to reaffirm certain thoughts, while taking things in stride & handling them one at a time. So, so thankful for people who’re willing to make time for me 🙂

I’m a happy girl today because I finally got to meet my youths again yaaaay. And a bonus to have met my ex-youth, the only person who’d never fail to crash into me with a hug whenever we meet 🙂 It’s really about witnessing their growth throughout the months/year that makes regular volunteering such a meaningful one. Mentored 3 youths today, so glad that they’re really participative & starting to contribute more in discussions as compared to last time.

Today’s workshop was on Authenticity, which is so apt for situations faced these days. The importance of being real & sincere, to show your true self and not wear masks over masks. Drew our Tree of Life, which was something that I found to be really meaningful. Starting with the roots, which represent our childhood & past influences; followed by the trunk, which represents our skills & abilities; and lastly the fruits, which represent hopes, dreams & wishes 🙂 While getting to learn more about the aspiring dreams our youths have (and being really proud of them), it was a good chance to self-reflect as well. Hoping for my personal Tree of Life to continue growing as time passes 🙂

Posted this intriguing thought before some time ago, and shall post it again now:

Isn’t it ironic how people are more willing to show their true selves when anonymity is ensured by hiding behind a mask? 

And yet, when you show your true self, it might only cause people to steer clear of you – for there exists a clash in personalities. To what extent should you wear your mask, to what extent should you show your true feelings & emotions? As much as it’s tiring to constantly wear different masks in different situations, it gets upsetting when your real self isn’t accepted.

Whatever it is, I still hold true to my belief that it’s important to treat everyone equally (as much as possible), and not make prior judgments before you really get to know the person for who they are. Take things heard with a pinch of salt, and do not blindly accept whatever that’s rumoured. I’m still trying, still learning, to be a better person.

Shall end this seemingly incoherent post with a quote that our social workers shared to end the session today:

Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.

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And today marked the first regular session our incoming committee attended. After seeing their interactions with our youths during the session today, I know for sure that YR is going to be safe in good hands for the approaching AY. So grateful, so thankful, yet so bittersweet about everything. May it be an amazing journey ahead for them, as it has been for me in the past year 🙂

Alright till the next time x

Silence

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Here’s to the kids who try their hardest to be good enough for everyone; who spend hours reading random quotes to find the right one; who listen to the same song dozens of times because the lyrics mean a lot; who deserve so much more than they get and are willing to fight for it; and whose wish upon a shooting star was wasted on someone that will never care.

Time check: 4:08 am.

Decided to take a breather from my assignment & just draft up a random post. Slowly trudging through my 1.5k word assignment for Public Health mod, and I have over a thousand words already yay (: But I’m still relatively far from done which probably means I’m going to have to spend time cutting down on words later ugh. Why must word limits be so strict, why are they limiting it to 1.5k words when I have more to say? And by cutting down on my work, it’s going to decrease the extent to which the words encapsulates my thoughts & stuff. But I’m just really glad it’s going to be done soon, considering how it’s due in approximately 14 hours (okay less than that) or so.

Wake Me Up When September Ends is currently playing, how apt a song this is now … so drained (but not sleepy though), can someone wake me up after September ends instead? Wouldn’t it be nice to just get to sleep a little longer than I should, because I can and because I want to. Really love this song, hooked onto it even after so many years. Many lovely songs discovered via Spotify, noted all of them down & really can’t wait to download all of these songs soon (: Recent fave song = Big Girls Cry by Sia, really worth the listen (click on the title haha I added the link already!) I think Sia’s voice is really unique, only heard 3 of her songs (Chandelier + Big Girls Cry + Eye of the Needle), but all 3 really caught my attention so … I’m definitely going to check out more of her songs when I’m more freed up!

The past few weeks have been really stressful with frequent mental breakdowns & what-nots, I’m so sorry to everyone around me who had to witness my … vulnerable episodes. But I’m okay now, & strong enough to deal with all the stress in my life (: So I’m fine, thank you to those who’ve showed concern in one way or another. I might not have expressed my gratitude well, but these little actions really mean a lot to me, more than you can ever imagine (‘: I guess it’s the reasoning of thoughts that helped me clear my mind a little, and to look at the realistic (yet slight positive) side of things. No point excessive worrying about things anyway, not like all the worrying or freaking out will change anything in reality.

Recess week is coming up soon, just one week of school between me & the pseudo freedom yaaaay. Finally won’t need to wake up before 8am every single day for lessons, I can’t begin to emphasize how much I’m NOT a morning person (actually me being awake now kind of shows it right haha). Recess week will be filled with loads & loads of mugging + meetings + meetups, x fingers I will be able to plan my time properly! Can’t wait for study dates during recess week.

In these two days, I genuinely feel as though my life is starting to creep back upwards, back to how it used to be (: I don’t want to lose myself because of all the shit that’s happening, so I’m glad I’m starting to see my old self again. I really miss the daily trolling of people at random times, or just blabbering nonsense to anyone anywhere anytime. Because that’s just who I really am (:

I’ve gained a new perspective recently as well. I don’t exactly think people change, but rather they form new masks that override the previous ones, which then makes it seem like they changed. People are just layers and layers of masks, showing different personas to different people who they meet in their lives. & it’s hard for people to see through these masks, so it makes me feel vulnerable when some can just tear these masks off me so effortlessly hmm.

Love these late night thoughts, although it’s relatively incoherent & rather nonsensical. Kind of sucks that nobody seems to be awake for me to talk to. So this is a random shoutout to all night owls, feel free to text me if you need any chatting buddy on late nights like these! Glad for that short 0.5h chat with my awesome angel just now at 2am, sorry to have kept you awake when you were preparing to head to bed already whoooops.

Many many people around me these days are feeling really down/overwhelmed by every single things in life. Seems as though things are crumbling down for most people … but cheer up, stay strong alright. Things WILL get better. It’s okay to be weak & break down at times, because like what someone told me, crying makes you human. So long you are able to stand up after, you’ll be more than just fine. It’s okay, it’s alright, eventually we will learn how to survive. After all, haven’t we being doing that for the past (insert your age) years of your lives? (: If anyone needs a listening buddy, I’m just a text/call away.

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But miracles take time to happen. They wait for you to feel worthless and then when you’re about to give up, they come knocking at the door and sometimes they come as humans.

I’m counting on this, please don’t disappoint this time alright. Okaaaaay I better continue on my assignment, jiayou shiao!

Till the next time x