Enigma

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Sometimes beautiful things come into our lives out of nowhere. We can’t always understand them, but we have to trust in them. I know you want to question everything, but sometimes it pays to just have a little faith.

I think I’m suffering from post-C.A.N. syndrome (mildly), this is quite ridiculous haha. It still feels so surreal that Project C.A.N. has ended (or at least the official phases are over), just several loose ends to tie up. It has been an amazing experience in the past few months, and I wouldn’t have wanted to spend my summer any other way, if given the chance to restart summer of 2015 all over again. It was undeniably hectic, but more than worth it. I’ll miss the crazy van rides & all the manual labour, getting shocked/sian when the lights at Storhub went off after 15 minutes, all the inside jokes, fun & laughter. The friendships forged through Project C.A.N. are those tagged along with precious memories, which I’ll keep close to my heart 🙂 So, so bittersweet now that it’s over.

A close friend asked me this a few days back, “which was the best day of your whole C.A.N. experience?” And I answered 26 July, without any hesitation. 26 July was the day I joined Project C.A.N. for, right from the very beginning. To have allowed myself to go through the whole planning process, and finally witnessing the fruits of our labour during Distribute. Really happy to have gotten my friends volunteer alongside me on 26 July. They have been the ones listening to my rants, always checking up on my mental well-being throughout the past months, and being so understanding about my frequent absence/last-minute cancellations of plans. Hence it meant so, so much for them to actually participate in an event that had such a huge significance to me 🙂 Glad that it exceeded their expectations, and personally thankful for how willing they were to interact with the beneficiaries.

Started off Distribute with an uncertainty lingering, because of the 10-15 issue. But having experienced it for myself on Sunday, I’m glad for that leap of faith taken, for people who supported the idea, and for those who didn’t – they still allowed us to venture into taking that risk. At least it all went well 🙂 Personally enjoyed all the interactions with the beneficiaries, and yet at the same time, it was so disheartening to hear their stories – because there’s just that limit we can do for them. Albeit having this one-off event to perhaps alleviate their situation temporarily, what most of them really need is the intangible time spent with them.

It’s that fuzzy indescribable feeling in the heart upon leaving each beneficiaries’ house, witnessing their smiles with that tinge of sadness tagged along to it, feeling the warmth from their hands as they held onto, and reassuringly patted on my own hands; these moments are the motivating factors of why I chose to volunteer in the first place. I wish there were more things we could have done for them, to be able to spend even more time just enjoying their company, as much as they enjoy ours. Sharing stories, listening to how nostalgic they are over their past, and telling them that it’s okay, as long as they lived a happy & contented life, it’s more than enough :’)

Project C.A.N. XII might have had its ups & downs throughout the entire journey, but I’m glad it ended on a really, really good note. I’ll definitely miss everything, all of these, that constituted a meaningful summer 🙂

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Time passes slowly when you’re young, and quickens as you get old. Summer lasted forever when I was seven, but now it only visits. When I was seven the days had more hours than I had use for, and the distance between sun up and down again was a vast & lazy sprawl; now, when I look back, things seem to have happened with the most hectic and startling speed. The weeks & months have seeped into each other and become a span without feature & detail, riddled with cavernous holes.

This summer feels like some journey to self-discovery as well, to test my limits & boundaries, and to challenge myself to step out of my comfort zone. Made pretty crazy choices which I wouldn’t look back or regret, because everything happens for a reason 🙂 With everything that happened this summer, I’ve grown from my experiences as a whole, and (hopefully) became more mature hee. I know that I’m still lacking in many areas, but slowly, one step at a time, I’ll learn to conquer them and turn these weaknesses into strengths.

& maybe someday, you’d realise how thankful I am for your presence in my life; how inspirational/important you’ve been to me in this journey.

Soon, this chapter of my life will close, only to embrace the next chapter ahead 🙂 x

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Remedy

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I think one of my favourite feelings is laughing with someone and realizing halfway through, how much you enjoy them and their existence.

We’re all pieces of the same ever-changing puzzle; some connected for mere seconds, some connected for life, some connected through knowledge, some through belief, some through love, and some connected with no explanation at all. Yet, as spiritual beings having a human experience, we’re all here for the sensations this reality or illusion has to offer. The best anyone can hope for is the right to be able to live, learn, and love. After which, reap the benefits of their own chosen existence in the hereafter, by virtue of simply believing in what they believe.

The past few days have been nothing but hectic & stressful, albeit fun & meaningful. But sometimes, everything just seems to get too tough to handle. Sometimes, all I want is to be able to step aside and take a break from all these, to really have some time to clear my mind and not have to worry about anything. And yet these become wishful thinking, and I know for certain it’s almost impossible. After all, this is reality, and any second wasted would render rushed times in the near future. Which would then lead to more stress, thus forming a vicious cycle that I won’t be able to step out from.

And yet, the past few days have showed me the importance of friends, the importance of daring to open up, the importance of not putting up a strong front any longer. Nothing touches me more than having people willing to sacrifice their time for me, to just listen to whatever I have to say. These little gestures mean a lot to me, and as much as I suck at showing my thankfulness, I really do appreciate such actions a lot. And I’ve learnt, or rather try to convince myself, that it’s okay not to be okay; where mistakes should serve nothing more than a learning process, rather than having guilt of wrong decisions overwhelm me more than it should.

I’ve realized that looking backwards only hinders growth. Because the more time you spend in solitude, the more you look back to everything that once seemed so right, yet seems so wrong now. The wrong moves, the wrong decisions. You loved with everything and you hurt with everything; it’s how you operate. Yet, you’re okay. Eventually, you’re okay. You live, you’re happy, and you finally move on. But it’s alright to be slightly bitter & hurt while attempting to mature. It’s all very confusing and unfair at times, but it’s no longer your loss nor your mystery to solve.

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We are like strangers, who started to know each other better, bit by bit.

Till the next time x

Lucky Ones

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Dandelions add a wish of happiness, and a promise of complete and utter faithfulness.

YR Launch Ceremony has officially concluded as of yesterday. Really glad that the event ran through rather smoothly, without any major issues/hiccups. It has been weeks/months since we first started gathering volunteers for the launch, so so thankful for the dedication that every single volunteer had to make the launch a good one for our dearest youths :’)

And I was really heartened to see the youths yesterday, considering how I haven’t seen them since the last study support session which was back in … September. Time really flies, and it felt really awesome to see them again. Didn’t realize how big an impact these youths have made in my life till yesterday.

It was so heartening, & I feel so privileged to see the youths get commissioned yesterday :’) Words simply can’t encapsulate the overwhelming feels I had, but I’m so happy for every single one of them. For they are willing to give themselves a chance, to be commissioned, and to continue heading down the right path in life. It might have taken a lot of determination for some of them, there definitely are complications that are entangled within, but they all made it eventually. And my heart swells in pride & happiness for them.

I can’t emphasize how much these youths are the main driving factor to let me continue on & be part of this Youth Ranger family. I won’t deny that there have been many unhappy circumstances which have made me doubt certain decisions, but every chance I get to interact with ’em youths only reaffirms the fact that this indeed is the right way to go ahead. No more looking backward, not now not ever anymore.

One youth gone astray, is one youth too much.

This sentence particularly struck me in one of the speeches delivered yesterday. During my duty as a stage crew member yesterday for the launch, I learnt a lot more about the youths whom I didn’t know prior to the event (i.e. the youths from the other centres, or the performers). It made me appreciate their performances so much more, I was really deeply touched by some of the stories that the social worker shared with me. Never judge a book by its cover, never judge a person by how they seem. All too often, they carry stories far more than you’d ever possibly imagine. We all fall victim into being judgmental people, be it blatantly or subconsciously. But after yesterday, I learnt not to judge people by first impressions, because they might seem to be different, but you don’t know how far back their life stories are dated. Some of them have really came a long way since the beginning, and comparatively, their journey in life humbles us so much, considering how much they have progressed since then. On a lighter note, I really really enjoy chatting with social workers because the passion they have really inspires me 🙂

“Have you ever regretted your choice?”

Not so surprisingly, this question has been thrown to me more than once. I think my friends realize the impact that this has on me,& I’m sorry for all the times you guys have to tolerate my rants & frustrations vented out, be it over messages or in real life. I’ve grown to realize the increasing importance of volunteering. I wouldn’t say that volunteering defines me per se, but it definitely represents me in one way or another. It makes me happy, it makes my life fulfilling albeit the tough times that are attached to the decision. It dawned upon me that being a person & the commitment to this shouldn’t be mutually exclusive, in fact it’s deeply intertwined. Everyone has different passions & different things that they feel compelled to protect & push for. Personally, I think I’ve found mine. I’ll never let go, no matter how tedious the journey ahead might be. What entails an enriching volunteering journey? Different people have different standards & expectations. I know what it is I hope to achieve, I’ll work towards my goals. And the answer to the question? It’s a simple no.

I remembered it now with happiness and I knew I would always remember it with happiness.
It was one of those small things that you can go to sleep with,
that you can wake in the night and that you could recall if necessary if you were ever tortured.

It’s all about pushing your limits & trying to figure how much you are able to take. I believe that everyone’s potential is limitless, the only difference is the extent to which our comfort zones are able to handle. And hence, I’m going to redefine my journey to completely dedicate myself into the process of enjoyment within, and distance myself from any external factors that might make me potentially unhappy. It’s difficult, but at least I’ll try. Because such matters that probably wouldn’t even matter (or be remembered) in the future shouldn’t serve as an impediment to my experience. I’m still learning, I’m trying to be a better person.

Everything in life is temporary. So if things are going good, enjoy them. And if things are going bad, don’t worry, it can’t last forever. But I don’t know why I let you build up that false hope again, only to have it shatter me into a million pieces (yet again). I should have learnt from the first time, ha ha. All ’em pointless waiting & foolishly hoping, may it stop soon.

La douleur est seulement pertinente si elle fait toujours mal, et tu me manque tellement.

Still drained, still trying to cope with everything, but I’ll get through it somehow. There’s still so much that I want to talk about, but I’ll save if for another time/the next post haha. Such a lengthy post, I had fun typing all these out though. Alright then, till the next time x

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Wonderland

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Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am kind to everyone, but when someone is unkind to me,
weak is not what you are going to remember about me.

I think what hurts the most, is when you give your all to someone. Through thick and thin, you’re there for them unconditionally. You stick with them, no matter what. Then one day, they just give up on you. They won’t even fight for you. The one thing you would have never done, they did with no hesitation.

If you think about it hard enough, you’d start to realize that everything in life is nothing but a paradoxical joke. So many times, I find myself holding back, not taking certain chances, and it all boils down to one primary reason – I’m afraid. But why should we be afraid? What’s so great a strength that should possibly deter me from taking that single leap of faith, which would then lead to so, so much more than I could ever possibly imagine?

So I’ve learnt something new. It’s hard, but I’m trying, I’m trying to start the change. To stop minimizing & discounting your feelings. After all, you have every right to feel the way you do. Sure enough, your feelings may not always be logical, but they are always valid. Because if you feel something, then you feel it and it’s real & legit to you. It’s not something you can ignore or wish away. It’s there, gnawing at you, tugging at your core. You can’t just choose to “stop” these feelings from coming or resurfacing every now and then, just because of circumstances or things that happen along the way.

And in order to find peace within, you have to give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you feel. You have to let go of what you’ve been told you “should” or “shouldn’t” feel. You have to drown out the voices of people who try to shame you into silence. You have to listen to the sound of your own breathing & honor the truth inside you. Because despite of what you may believe, you don’t need anyone’s validation or approval to feel what you feel. Your feelings are inherently right and true. They’re important and they matter – because you matter, and it is really more than okay to feel what you feel. Don’t let anyone, including yourself, convince you otherwise.

Looking around and people-watching, I can’t help but notice how so many people seem to be walking around with a meaningless life – and I know this is a bold assumption, which I can’t help but to have. They seem half-asleep, even when they’re busy doing things they think are important. This is because they’re chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to create something that gives you purpose & meaning.

Lastly, I just wanted to point this out. Words cut deeper than knives. A knife can be pulled out, but words are embedded into our souls. So if you don’t mean something, then just spare us all the trouble of play pretense and not say it altogether, right from the very start. Because eventually the truth will come to light, and ultimately the joke will be on you. As a friend, I’ll tolerate it, for now. Continue stepping on my toes with your subtle yet bold actions, and you’ll face the wrath from me. I’m appalled by my misjudgement, and I’m sorry to say you officially lost the friend in me, in that particular instant. But for memories & old times sake, I’ll let it go just this once. Just so you know, I’m not to be messed with. When I bite back, it’s going to hurt a million times more than what you’re trying to do to me now.

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And if all those words you said to me actually meant something, maybe we wouldn’t be standing where we are today x

Don’t Look At Me Like That

‘ve been pretty out-of-touch with Korean pop these days … but decided to spend time to listen to this song because the MV just dropped today & I’m a fan of Ji Eun! Strongly recommending this song – it’s so powerful & the lyrics are like, WHOA. Really worth the listen! English subbed lyrics are captioned in this version of the video already (: The melody of the song is nothing too strong, but full of emotions & what-nots.

“Don’t Look at Me Like That” has a rather controversial, experimental lyrics about love between the same sex, different races, different ages, and other possibly prejudiced and stereotyped relationships. This is a supposed taboo topic in society, but definitely gaining more recognition these days. Just like what the lyrics intend to convey, non-mainstream relationships shouldn’t be looked down upon because it ultimately boils down to each individual. & I think it’s really, really important to respect every single person in society, without looking down on them just because they might be “different”. After all, who are we to discern what’s the supposed norm in society? Majority doesn’t always win.

I’ve seen many different interpretations of the music video, & many make sense in their own ways. To me, the MV is really deep/meaningful, with it being in monochromatic colors till the very end, portraying the title of “difference” that she supposedly represents. With everyone else wearing masks as though this is a masquerade, it shows the falseness or pretense, where people in society generally wear masks to cover their true intentions, but at the same time judging others with their own eyes through the masks they are wearing. Moreover, having Ji Eun chained up throughout the entire MV till the very end – where she finally manages to break free from the chains. The chains properly represent the burden from society with their judging eyes, and all the hateful stereotypes/comments. It’s so heartening when she finally manages to break free eventually, despite at the expense of hurting others (aka society) ultimately. Such a simple set-up for the music video, yet with a deeper meaning embedded within, such a powerful song :’)

I’m glad that Song Ji Eun is taking the bold move in experimenting with such genres. As a member of Secret, their songs are usually more upbeat & catchy. But as a solo singer, I think Song Ji Eun really suits the “dark” genre, with her lyrics & voice aptly encapsulating the deeper/darker thoughts, while bringing across the message intended. No need for explosive vocals at all, this is really just right :’)

Anyway for those interested, these are two of her other past solo songs that she has released before, worth the listen: Going Crazy & False Hope. Just click on the respective song titles for the link to videos with English lyrics subbed!

Another of my fave K-pop solo female artiste Ailee is going to comeback soon … can’t wait for the song to be released hee. For now, I shall sign off this post with the full (translated) lyrics from Don’t Look At Me Like That. Hope you’ll enjoy this song as much as I do x

When the lights start to turn off, I quietly go to meet you
A flower blooms in the world that’s only filled with thorns
Why? Why not?
They whisper and go against us
Why? Why not?
We’re so in love

Don’t look at me like that
We’re just in love, that’s all
Don’t hate on us, however you’re viewing us
We’re just a little different
Just leave us alone

Can’t we live in a world where time stands still?
Why? Why not?
We did nothing wrong
Why? Why not?
We’re so in love

Don’t look at me like that
We’re just in love, that’s all
Don’t hate on us, however you’re viewing us
We’re just a little different
Just leave us alone

Tell Me What Is Wrong
Tell Me What Is Wrong
Tell Me What Is Love
Tell Me What Is Love

I want to love however I want
I won’t change no matter what anyone says

Don’t look at me like that
We’re just in love, that’s all
Don’t hate on us, however you’re viewing us
We’re just a little different
Just leave us alone

CSC Outreach 2014

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In the midst of happiness or despair

In sorrow or in joy

In pleasure or in pain

Do what is right & you will be at peace

CSC Outreach is finally over! :”)

The first day of any planning for Outreach began on 21 July 2014, which coincidentally is also the first meeting where we had as the main committee heading Youth Rangers for AY 14/15. In the short span of a few weeks, I’m glad we managed to pull it off pretty well (in my opinion), garnering decent sign ups for Youth Rangers (: I’m glad that these potential volunteers are willing to give YR a chance, considering how we are merely a probationary RVP.

Because they believe in the potential in our PRVP, we must not let them down. Words simply can’t express how proud I am of my committee for their dedication in making Outreach a success, in one way or another. Admittedly there were minor hiccups along the way, but we learn from them, and make things work out ultimately. Also, this is the first time the 7 of us are working together on such a (considerably) large scale project, so no regrets with the outcome at all. 

The past week has been insane, with Outreach related stuff every single day. Final rehearsal with other C/Y Sector heads for our talk on Monday + preparation of booth & comm meeting on Tuesday + Outreach Tour on wed to fri + Outreach Talk on Friday evening. I’m sooo glad it’s finally over because I don’t know why but it has been so draining, yet fulfilling at the same time of course.

But just like what 940 said, this is merely step 0 of this entire process. Recruitment of volunteers, retention of volunteers, structure of YR, there are so many things that are undone but urgent matters. I’m confident in the committee, to bring YR to greater heights :’) 

One major plus point of Outreach was that I got to know more people better. Tanking 12 official hours of duty (& idk how many hours I crashed duty haha), it really allowed me to talk to quite a few comm members on a 1-to-1 basis, and it’s interesting to learn about the perspective towards certain things that they may have. I won’t be ashamed to actually declare that our comm subtly became closer, with more inside jokes shared & what-not (:

Alright, not only did I get to know my comm better, I got to know other people in CSC better as well! For one, I’m not as awkward around the other C/Y Sector heads already (I hope), as compared to the first meeting, which was SO awkward for me I literally felt like just slumping down in my chair & being a major phantom/fading into the background – no kidding. But things got better, I’m thankful for their time in entertaining me when I was bored & just playing around with me, or helping out Youth Rangers booth during duty even though they aren’t obliged to :’)

It’s the little actions in each & every member of CSC that makes this experience so meaningful. As I said before, the people in CSC give off a vibe that’s vastly different from the rest of the population, yet within CSC, everyone gives off this same friendly kind courteous vibe that’s just so … genuine. And I like it a lot, I really do. Thankful to be part of this CSC family, grateful to YR, grateful to everyone.

Just had the sudden realization that today’s the only day in this entire week where I’m not out & about being involved with CSC matters. ‘was suppose to go for GAW today but due to other commitments, I had to pull out. Which is pretty regretful because I’ve been wanting to experience the wish collection phase of GAW ): Ah well, sacrifices, priorities. There’s CSC Elections Day 1 tomorrow! Going to be attending & just listening to speeches, hope it’ll be an interesting experience so x fingers!

Shall end off with the quote included in the signature of YR email:

Everything has beauty, but not everyone can see.

Till the next time x

Reality

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So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.

3 days of Outreach has finally concluded, really drained but thankful it was a fulfilling & meaningful experience. Will post proper about Outreach, perhaps tomorrow (definitely soon), so stay tuned x