2015, Au Revoir

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With an amazing conclusion of 2015, here’s hoping that wishes do come true x

This marks the beginning of the end, and yet the closing of this chapter will lead to an amazing 2016 ahead. This post, while being unable to encapsulate all the moments of 2015, will hopefully be able to document the significant happenings through the year; memories unmentioned will still be etched deeply in my heart 🙂

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The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open.

Do it. Throw yourself.

School.

2015 took me through a hell of a rollercoaster ride in terms of my studies. I started the year as a Psychology undergraduate, and as I’m typing this post, I conclude the year as a Social Work undergraduate. People may think that I’m crazy for changing my course of study when I’m already in my third year of university life – but this is a decision that I wouldn’t regret. I’ll admit that there have been (many) instances where I think about the what ifs, and reminisce about the times in Psychology.

Yet, this first semester as a Social Work major marked the happiest sem I’ve ever been through. Stepping out of the Psychology sphere, I realised how … depressed I have been, trudging through lectures/tutorials, even studying for finals back then was such a torturous journey that I dread every sem. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not putting Psychology down – I truly respect all Psych majors, for they are able to achieve & excel in a course of study that I’ll never be able to excel in, I get drowned in the competition. Pretty glad that I managed to complete all the core modules in Psych though 🙂

Looking back, my university life has been playing so many tricks on me – so many twists & turns, from pre-uni decisions till now. But like I said, no regrets 🙂 This sem’s Social Work modules have been interesting, looking forward to the subsequent modules in the coming semesters. Gonna attempt to be more studious than I have been this year (lol), and diligently attend all my lectures/tutorials from now on. Going to start my first placement in Social Work next summer, looking forward to a meaningful time, and a meaningful career ahead.

Because after all these, I think I’ve truly found where I belong.

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As you start and end your day, be thankful for every little thing in your life. You will come to realise how blessed you truly are.

CSC.

Life in CSC has been, pretty amazing & completely insane this year. From being the Vice-Chairperson of YR, to taking up the Sec-Treas role in C.A.N. XII, and currently the Vice-President (Regular Programmes) in CSC’s 14th Management Committee.

Rebranding from Youth Rangers to Youth Beacons was a bittersweet thing for me – PRVP Youth Rangers accompanied me through tough times, we battled against all odds and when we thought that things just kept getting worse, a miracle happened. Youth Rangers taught me so many things, it really isn’t easy heading a new programme – no past references to fall back on, everything was experimental & such. RVP Youth Beacons holds the hopes & wishes I have for this programme that has so much potential to continue growing, to continue impacting the lives of a really special group of youths whom I hold dearly & closely to my heart 🙂 Tuesdays were made tremendously better because I get to spend time with ’em youths, never thought that I’d feel so attached to them, but I am. Witnessing their smiles & happiness as they fooled around with each other, really warms my heart.

I must have been insane to sign up for C.A.N. XII in Jan/Feb. But this insane choice gifted me with a summer that was, although busy & stressful as hell, a meaningful one. C.A.N. XII broadened my perspective in many ways, allowing me to really appreciate how diverse and how disparate the lives of Singaporeans can be. No regrets joining C.A.N. XII though it burned all the weekends in June/July haha, looking forward to joining C.A.N. XIII …. as a volunteer hee. C.A.N. XII also reunited me with a senior from NYGG; it also gave me so many friendships that I’ll treasure dearly 🙂 C.A.N. XII taught me to think from different perspectives, to always consider one step ahead, and developed me to be a better volunteer. So glad that my friends came down to volunteer during C.A.N. Distribute, fulfilled my wish of volunteering alongside my friends (and also for them to witness/understand what I’ve been busy with my entire summer haha).

And finally, VPRP. When I first started volunteering in CSC, the thought of eventually ending up as the VPRP was a ridiculous one – a thought that I wouldn’t even have bothered entertaining. How ironic though, considering that I ultimately ran for this position, survived a gruelling elections that drained the hell out of me haha. The journey in 14MC has been quite an … interesting one so far? Interesting is probably an understatement. 14MC gifted me with friendships that I know I’ll treasure for life as well 🙂 And it allowed me to grow & mature as a leader, and pushing me out of my comfort zone constantly. I’m not someone who particularly enjoys, or is even comfortable with chairing meetings, but no matter how much it distresses me, I’ve got to do it. Which is why I’m thankful for all the moral support/encouragement from those who know the stress I have while assuming this position, even if I don’t show it often.

Comparing to the past when I was the YR VC, I’m proud to say that I’ve definitely broken down waaaaaaay less times. Because I realised, that if volunteering is supposed to make me happy, why am I letting the stress get to me? I’m still learning, there are times when I still doubt myself, and the past month has been hell of a journey of soul-searching & reflecting. I need to learn to be less hard on myself, and accept the fact that there are circumstances which are simply beyond my control. It’s tough, I might still make mistakes & wrong decisions along the way, but I’ll learn. To take things in stride & hopefully make the best of my remaining term not only as the VPRP of CSC, but also as a volunteer with the heart to serve.

For these little things, affirm my passion & interest in volunteering.

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Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

Life.

I’ve had less time for myself this year despite being out & about doing things that are meaningful to me. Nevertheless, I’m still glad that I had some opportunities to indulge in hobbies that calms me down 🙂

After practicing Chinese Calligraphy for 12 years, I’ve finally gotten down to appreciating English Calligraphy. ‘am amazed & utterly in love with the pretty typography/calligraphy seen online (especially Tumblr), and for someone who’s a sucker for quotes, practicing English Calligraphy makes me really, really happy. Nowhere near perfection, but as with Chinese Calli, I’m sure there’ll be improvements along the way with constant practice hee.

Friendships wise, I’ve reconnected with some old friends & its pretty amazing. Just this past Christmas, a youth from my volunteering days back in JC whom I’ve lost contact with sent me well wishes 🙂 It’s amazing & an incredible heartwarming moment, & so glad to know how much he has progressed in these years.

& because of my busy commitments this year, it has indirectly opened up my eyes to see which friendships are the true ones that are worth keeping. Friends who don’t get upset/angry with my (super) lag replies that are mostly about me complaining how tired/burnt out I was. Friends who were there to give me advice & provide a listening ear regardless of how late it was, friends who went the extra mile to stay up just to make sure I was okay. Friends who made plans with me & trusted me enough to share about their issues. Friends who just wanted to hang out, because we can. & friends who remember the little things, thank you.

For friendships that fell through the cracks this year, all I can say is that it was a huge pity that they ended. For those with or without closure, I remember all the special moments shared. There are friendships that I’m reluctant to let go of, but life works in ways that I’ll never comprehend. Because once the trust is broken, no matter how hard you try to piece the broken pieces, you end up as the one who gets hurt. Maybe this time, I’m done trying. Perhaps, it’s time to let go.

Turned 21 this year, just 5 days ago. Turning 21 means more responsibilities, turning 21 officiates me into adulthood. Turning 21 & celebrating the moment with my loved ones & friends made me so, so happy 🙂 Special thanks to the two chinggus who went the extra mile to help me with the planning, pre-prep, and for everything during the party itself. Thank you for all the heartfelt wishes, be it through handwritten letters or text messages; I’ve read all of them well 🙂 Thank you for the repeated affirmations of the life decisions I’ve had to make this year, thank you for appreciating the friendships we share as much as I do.

There have been too many what-ifs & could-have-beens this year. Leaving things as status quo at the moment, shall see how it plays out in the coming year. No time nor room for regrets, every step I take is a direction that I’ve been destined to head towards to, and while I’m in control of my destiny, I believe that I’m meant to be where I am.

Setting my NYR soon, but I’ll take that offline instead since it’s a tad too personal. Hope that everyone has had a fulfilling 2015, and took the time to just think through the happenings of the year 🙂 Congratulations, no matter how good or how shitty 2015 has been for you, we have all survived the year.

Thank you endlessparadigm for journeying with me through this year, documenting the little events in my life. Wouldn’t have traded for a different 2015, but here’s hoping that 2016 will be a year filled with more smiles & laughter 🙂

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365 new days ahead, 365 new chances. I hope what you’re finding for in 2016.

2016, bring it on. I’m ready for you.

Shiaowei x
31 Dec 2015.

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Velveteen

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The little things? The little moments?
They aren’t little to me.

There are things that I dearly miss, but it’s unhealthy to keep dwelling in the past because it compromises on the things we should be appreciating in the present lives we lead.

I’m thankful for the memories, it clearly hasn’t been a short duration. Thank you for going through the good & bad, and for being a source of support for me when all else failed. I wouldn’t have been able to get through so many phases of my life if you weren’t there.

But these days, I find myself reminiscing the memories more than I should be – and this is a sign that things just aren’t the same any longer. I miss the past, and I wish that things would go back to how they used to be, but they can’t.

We went through a test before – this isn’t the first. But something tells me that this time round, we’ve failed. We don’t know each other anymore – our perceptions of each other’s lives are stuck in the past, since a few months ago. How much have things changed since then? On my end, I know that the changes have been so drastic you probably don’t even know of them – yet another source of upset. Life takes unexpected turns, and we don’t always have the time we think we have.

Maybe I’ll give this one last shot. And after, I’m officially done trying; and I’ll let this chapter close for good x

If I cut you off, chances are you handed me the scissors.

Foolish Games

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The most beautiful thing about life is that it gives you an infinite amount of tests you can retake. If you failed one, there will no doubt be another test that you could do better on. The most important thing to keep in mind, is that you are accumulating your own techniques and getting better as you take each consecutive test. Past mistakes are simply tests you fumbled on; there will always be another one to tackle and do better as long as you live.

Yesterday was a really meaningful day, spent at Paint-A-Home, and subsequently attending S’s surprise birthday party, while ending the day by chilling with Y. It was a mad rush to get home and scape all the paint on me before making sure I was presentable enough for a party LOL.

Saying that the experience was memorable at PAH would be a major understatement. This is the first time volunteering with PAH, and absolutely no regrets, although I feel really bad for having to leave early, and sad that I couldn’t witness the end product of the hard work put in by cannies. For the time I’ve been there, it has been really fun; for we could still play and joke around while getting work done. I guess something so special about volunteering is that it really serves as a platform for bonding together amidst the time we render our services to beneficiaries 🙂 Had an awesome GL for PAH too, thanks M for letting me paint your entire palm with white paint 🙂 Many amusing episodes that occurred during PAH, these memories would stay on forever.

S’s surprise 21st party was … so pretty 🙂 Little Miss Sunshine themed, the deco was simple yet so befitting of the theme, it was just right & I really enjoyed the time; it was a good platform to catch up with my babes whom I dearly miss 😦 Had so much fun teasing the birthday girl about the present HAHA. ‘It’s from VS, it’s something you can wear, and people shouldn’t see it.’ This is definitely going into the list of many epic moments that occur in our friendship 🙂 Can’t wait to meet up again soon, when we are all less busy with our commitments & what-nots.

Post-party was spent chilling & chatting with Y, and spending over an hour in a bookshop that had really cute stuff (cheap thrills). Thanks for all the advice and patiently listening to whatever I had to say, while sharing with me about your experiences in volunteering/internship 🙂 Felt so much better after letting it all out, and even managing to make amusing jokes out of those situations. Some things don’t change and I’m thankful for constants, just like how this friendship has progressed over the years, with bonds continually forged through the sharing of our lives.

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Sometimes as we grow up, we forget the importance of staying true to who you are. Such a simple logic, yet often overlooked. What a pity, isn’t it? To lose yourself bit by bit, while trying to fit in with societal expectations. For that, I appreciate those who tolerate me for who I am, to not judge me when I’m being childish & all, and to embrace things for how they are, without giving a care about what others will think.

True relationships stay gold x

Green Nocturne

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I like people with depth, I like people with emotion, I like people with a strong mind, an interesting mind, a twisted mind, and also someone that can make me smile.

This holidays have gone past too fast, half of December is gone already. And I’m (finally) turning 20 soon in a couple of days, but not sure if it’s something to be happy about haha. Need to start preparing my 2014 closure post, it’s going to be really long if I’m hardworking enough, for 2014 has been an insane ride thus far.

Embracing the upcoming festive season, the long-awaited Christmas *o*  Although it won’t be long before school resumes & I’ll be in Y2S2, I’m gonna make sure the rest of my December holidays will be nothing but a blast. Pretty much enjoyed every single meet-up since post-finals! Such memories will be etched in my heart for how long it’s worth, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Talk about coincidences … can’t believe I met two of my Guides juniors @ GAW party on Saturday! It has been long since I was the PL for Ixora in 2010, & times like these make me reminisce about my Guiding life. I’d be lying if I said that my journey as a Guide was smooth sailing, but all the different challenges faced along the way shaped me to become who I am today. Reconnecting with ’em juniors make me really happy, especially since they are in my patrol/buddy patrol respectively (: I’m glad for this coincidence, although I thoroughly embarrassed myself by exclaiming really loudly haha ah well.

I’ve loads to talk about GAW workshop + party @ iC2 Prephouse, but evidently my thoughts are currently all over the place and mega disoriented so … I’ll leave it for another time!

Signing off now, till the next time x

Beautiful Stranger

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Like most misery, it started with apparent happiness.

I think one of the saddest things is when two people really get to know each other: their secrets, their fears, their favorite things, what they hate, what they love, literally everything; and then they go back to being strangers. It’s like you have to walk past them and pretend like you never knew them, never even talked to them before, when really, you know everything about them.

But it hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone, the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it’s so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn’t come back. You’re left so alone that you can’t explain.

For what it’s worth, I sincerely hope the better of things to come around soon. Because it hurts, to hurt. And ironically, it hurts even more, for trying to let go. I’m a mess of unfinished thoughts, and it scares me.

Remember yourself as a little girl, she is counting on you to protect her.

Till the next time x

Happiness

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That is the simple secret of happiness. Whatever you are doing, don’t let the past move your mind; don’t let the future disturb you. Because the past is no more, and the future is not yet. To live in the memories, to live in the imagination, is to live in the non-existential. And when you are living in the non-existential, you are missing that which is existential. Naturally you will be miserable, because you will miss your whole life.