Stay

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Couldn’t have found a quote that’s more apt than the above to summarise what I’ve been dealing with for the past few days. Kind of want to gather the courage and do something about it, and yet at the same time, I’m wondering if it’s selfish on my end.

Thought I’d be okay with it again this time, but turns out it just hits back a lot worse than it did before – and I guess this also means something. For it has reached the point where it’s affecting my daily living, my work, and everything else. And I catch my thoughts drifting to it every now and then … how do I draw the line?

Feeling very apologetic to the two friends (y’all know who you are) who constantly & tirelessly entertain my episodes again & again, and even just now when I just couldn’t function at work anymore and had to rant it out before I completely broke down. I know y’all mean well for me, and I really appreciate it really. But sometimes, more often than not, the right thing to do isn’t the easiest of all options.

Should I just remain silent & let things continue to remain status quo, or should I do something and risk causing irreversible damage?

Maybe all I need is that bout of courage. And yet maybe, somewhere deep in my heart, I’m hoping for that bout to never, ever come.

Shall end this post with a song I discovered just moments ago –

And the truth set us free unchain my heart
And I know after an ending comes a start

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Bumper Cars

You and me, we’re bumper cars
The more I try to get to you
The more we crash apart, no
Round and round we chase the sparks
But all that seems to lead to
Is a pile of broken parts

Really should be heading to bed soon/now but I can’t stop listening to this song on repeat. Old song, latest discovery, new favourite song/addiction :’)

P.S. excited to embark on a new chapter in life, starting tomorrow whoopee may it be filled with meaning aaaaand may I not screw up at this whole adulting thing ohboy.

2014

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Happy NYE everyone! This post will be the first since I turned 20. And this post will be the last of 2014. Taking some time to type & reflect on the year, guess it’s sort of a review post of how life has been in 2014 🙂 Disclaimer: It’s really long & boring, but I choose to document all of it down for myself, as a keepsake memory. It has been a tough yet interesting journey thus far, and I’m thankful that it’s going to be over soon, for 2015 will definitely be filled with even more fun, excitement and challenges that I (hope I can and) will conquer 🙂

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Life as a psychology undergraduate in NUS

2014 marks the final sem of being a year 1, and proceeding on as a year 2 in uni. School hasn’t been easy on me, or perhaps I’m just a student inferior to others. But I truly enjoy what I study, and it’s nice to see the fruits of my hard labor in the results received recently – albeit not fantastic or impressive, but an improvement is all it takes to convince myself that it’s worth it. In 2014, I took modules that interest me the most (social + abnormal psychology). And this affirmed my dream of reading psychology :’)

Social psych taught me social skills & know-hows in daily interactions, it made me (slightly) more sensitive to people’s behaviors. I guess this is why people assume that psychologists can read minds, though it’s really more of just being more observant in certain things that others tend to neglect. Whatever it is, I still have a looong way to go 🙂

Abnormal psychology taught me the art of empathy, yet at the same time to be less judgmental. It’s really important that we do not label people with disorders as “the person with depression” or whatsoever, but to accept & view them as who they are, for they are only humans who are less fortunate than others to be diagnosed with psychological disorders. And I finally got the chance to visit IMH through my course of study, which makes me really grateful 🙂 It has provided me with fresh insights & what-nots, definitely will continue to volunteer @ IMH if I have the chance!

Overall, despite the hectic schedules as an undergraduate, where I experienced my first double 8am lectures in uni (which I will avoid to the best of my abilities from now on), it has been a fulfilling year in terms of studies 🙂

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Life as a volunteer in CSC

2014 marks the year where I officially involved myself in volunteering once again, after a one-year hiatus in 2013. The first major event was the Adventure Camp held in June. Planning for the camp while rendering my services as the Secretary in the committee taught me loads of things, especially since this is the first time I’ve planned for a camp that’s held in Pulau Ubin. A foreign location naturally brings about more difficulties & uncertainties, but the camp made me revisit Guiding skills that I’ve missed, which makes me really happy because it brought back fond memories of Guiding with the pitching of tents & firelighting for outdoor cooking 🙂

Then came the biggest decision I’ve made in 2014 – accepting the role of Vice Chairperson of Youth Rangers. It was a really tough choice & I was in a constant debate between acceptance & rejection of the role, for I wasn’t sure if I could handle the responsibilities that came with the title. After consulting & considering the various advice from friends, I decided to give it a try. I don’t regret the choice, albeit knowing that perhaps there might be someone out there who has better capabilities for this role. Because this choice has ultimately shaped & steered my volunteering journey to a different one – one that is more meaningful than all the volunteering experiences I’ve ever had in my life.

Being the VC has its pros and cons. For one, I’m really glad to have been given this opportunity, & it has led me to meet an awesome RVP Team AY14/15, especially the other Children/Youth sector chairpersons 🙂 It has also allowed me to be more involved in the behind-the-scenes of volunteering, ranging from planning of events to attending countless meetings & gaining new insights from other fellow chairpersons. I can’t emphasize how much importance volunteering takes in my heart, and it’s so so important to me that people volunteer because they have the genuine passion & heart to do so. It’s obvious when their reasons for volunteering are otherwise, but sometimes I choose not to say anything because well, it’s their choice, and as long as they don’t jeopardize anything, I guess I’m not in the position to judge or whatsoever.

I foresee changes in the future, in YR, and I’m hoping for the changes to be a good one. Since I officially accepted my certificate of appointment on 4 Sept 2014, I promise to make the best out of this AY, as the VC of YR. May things be smooth sailing from now on, and I’m confident to say that I’m no longer who I was in the past. The volunteering experience thus far has shaped me greatly and I’m thankful for that.

It’s really so heartwarming to see the youths acknowledging & being happy because of our presence & commitments, the fun & enjoyment that they display during sessions are what drives me to continue pushing on even if it’s a tough time ahead. Because as long as we have impacted & made a difference in contributing to the lives of our youths, I know that all the hard work is more than worth it 🙂

Apart from YR, I’ve semi-involved myself as a volunteer in GAW during the wish adoption + party phases 🙂 I had the opportunity to learn basic Braille during a workshop @ iC2 Prephouse, it was a really eye-opening experience! Attended 2 GAW Parties (iC2 Prephouse + BSS), and I’ve learnt a lot from both parties. Interacting with children of different backgrounds, with children who have slight disabilities in terms of sight, it really made me feel much more humble while seeing the amount they had to offer despite all the setbacks going on in their lives.

One semester left as a member of YR Comm, & I’m going to make sure things get better, and that it’s the best yet. Looking forward to the continuation of rendering my services in CSC, as volunteering continues to play a significant role in my journey to self-discovery & fulfillment! 🙂

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Life as a tourist in Korea

This is definitely one of the highlights of 2014. My first independent 15-day holiday trip overseas with friends! Thank you to the best travelling buddies I could ever ask for, I really love how our travelling styles & preferences etc all complement each other so well, and that the trip concluded so memorably without any arguments or whatsoever. I had the best time of my life in Korea, and am already looking forward to future trips together with this awesome bunch! In these 15 days, I’ve been to Jeju + Seoul, and it was a really interesting experience.

Hobo-ed at Incheon Airport overnight for the first time in my life, and it was such a historical moment where we coincidentally managed to meet various k-idols (including our bias group INFINITE!!!!) while hobo-ing overnight. What a pleasant surprise it was, I’ll never forget how it felt omg :’) Aaaand I met my bias Dongwoo’s parents by visiting their family restaurant! Thank you my dearest friends for scheduling that into our triip & not giving up despite getting lost for a while in an attempt to find the restaurant (there was even a slight drizzle)! It was simply … magical HAHA. Conversing with Dongwoo’s dad, and him being so enthusiastic about taking a picture with us that he even made sure that Dongwoo’s poster will be captured in the picture! And Dongwoo’s mom personally feeding us (although the spicy octopus really made me have legit tears), such awesome fan service that his parents gave to fans (especially since they knew we were not local fans but international fans!) I’ll definitely head back to their family restaurant the next time I go to Korea, and sincerely appreciate the warm hospitality that they served us with!

From randomly following this rookie group at Myeongdong whom we initially didn’t know of (and subsequently found out they were B.I.G.), to all the crazy shopping & fun times in Jeju/Seoul, thank you to Yumin, Sheryin & Amanda for the memorable Korea trip 🙂 Here’s to more #guesswhatadventures to come in the future!

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Life as a music fanatic

In 2014, I attended 2 concerts! Avril Lavigne Live in Singapore 2014 on 15 Feb, and The Red Tour by Taylor Swift on 12 June.

After being a Black Star since primary school days, I finally got to enjoy Avril Lavigne’s concert live for the first time ever! Made sure to get the best tickets with the best view, and saying that Avril is awesome irl is a major understatement omg. Can’t wait for her next album to be out, since it has been almost 2 years since she released her fifth self-titled studio album. Her sincerity & confidence in her performance really deserves the utmost admiration from all her black stars indeed, may her songs continue to serve as my therapy in the future! Taylor Swift was incredible live as well, and her stage performances & entertainment level is insane. Thankful to have gotten the chance to attend both concerts this year 🙂

I’m hoping for Lana Del Rey to come for a tour in Singapore in the future! Her album Ultraviolence released earlier this year has been on replay for the longest time ever, there’s just something about the songs by Lana Del Rey that is so addictive.

Infinite released 2 albums this year, Season 2 + Season 2 Repackage, and both albums are nicely sitting on my shelf hee. Infinite songs are definitely my favorite in Kpop, and Last Romeo + Back (both of their title tracks this year) literally blew my mind away. I really love how much sincerity they put in each of their performances on stage, where they actually sing live despite their dance being really tough & energy draining. Definitely going to continue supporting Infinite by being their loyal Inspirit! It has been said that Infinite H will be having a comeback in January, Infinite in February, and Sunggyu with his second solo album some time next year. Hence, I foresee 2015 being an awesome year for Infinite already, may all their group/unit/solo comebacks be successful! 🙂

Amidst all the songs from specific singers, I’m glad to have stumbled upon loads of other random English songs with lyrics that resonate deeply within me, that I can relate to, and that are applicable for different moods etc.

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Life as who I am

In 2014, I’ve learnt a lot and gained loads of valuable experience, to continue shaping my future for who I’m meant to be. One recurring topic is undoubtedly “friends”, as I realized how people seem to loosely classify (& I used to be guilty of that as well) acquaintances as friends. This year, I’ve realized who my true friends are, who are the friends meant to stick around, and who aren’t the sincere ones. This year, I had the chance of several friendships resurfacing, from years ago. And I’m really glad it happened, because it does feel good & reassuring to be able to reminisce & share freely about things, to people who were once in my life (and have re-entered thankfully).

Lost friendships might be hard to revive, but for what’s it worth, the effort put in by both parties will definitely keep it going. I really like how it isn’t awkward at all despite losing contact for years 🙂 I guess this goes to show the genuine core of what friendship should entail 🙂

And I’m more than grateful to those whom I’ve been talking on a regular/daily basis. No need for mentions, you guys know who you are. Thank you for tolerating all the nonsense & enduring all my rants/frustrations etc. It hasn’t been easy, I’m sure of that, but thanks for sticking around :’) It means so much to me. Old is gold indeed, I wouldn’t trade you guys for any other, not now not ever.

Living life as a 19 y-o and turning 20 so so recently, I’ve grown to notice the amount of independence needed in my life. Things aren’t the same as what they were when I was young, safe in my comfort zone & protected from all ’em unpleasant happenings. But this is a learning & growing process. As we make mistakes, we learn from them, we rebound, and get back up stronger than before.

This year continued to touch me with endearing birthday wishes/messages, all of which I read well & will hold the words close to my heart :’) Thank you for all the birthday wishes/dedications, spending time to meet me & what-nots, planning surprises, and all the handwritten birthday letters! For I’m still old-fashioned when it comes to this, but handwritten letters really hold so much significance than any other. So thank you to everyone and yes, I’m finally 20! 🙂

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May 2015 be a better year for everyone, with less tragedies happening & more happiness spread throughout. Going to make a 2015 new year resolution since I’m turning 21 next year, but probably not going to post it up since it’s more private haha. First two weeks of 2015 really packed & hence ensuring that the beginning of 2015 will be a blast, may it be a meaningful & insightful year ahead, where everyone gets what they wish/aim for :’) Put behind whatever unhappiness or grudges incurred in 2014, and welcome 2015 with a fresh start, an open mind, and a hopeful heart!

With this, I conclude my final post on endlessparadigm in 2014. Till the next time we meet, in 2015 x

20152015, bring it on. I’m ready.

Falling

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So where’s the “always” you promised?

Because sometimes people do actually feel that way. Sometimes your life feels like it’s caving in on you. Sometimes people really do feel like they don’t want to exist, like they just want to curl up in a ball, and go into that place between life & death. Saying “I don’t want to exist” isn’t saying “I want to go die”. It’s saying “I wish that, for the time being, I could go somewhere and not have to feel.” I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. And if you don’t know how it feels like to feel this way, then you have no place to judge anyone who does.

It’s one of those days where I feel like spamming Lana Del Rey’s songs, especially Ride & Born To Die. It’s a pity I haven’t been able to find anyone who truly appreciates LDR’s songs … but I love them I really do, they’re so therapeutic at best 🙂

Seriously can’t wait for midterms to be over, feeling so damn drained & lifeless these days. Too stressed out & all other problems piling up aren’t exactly helping in destressing ugh. Should hit the books again soon (literally haha okay kidding), may tomorrow’s cognitive psych midterms be manageable sigh x fingers really.

Aiming for an update sometime soon, stay tuned guys x

Little Black Star

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27 September marks a very special day for all Little Black Stars. Exactly 30 years ago, our inspiration was born on this very day 🙂

#Happy30thBirthdayAvril 

There’s just something about the lyrics/melody of songs of Avril’s that resonates within me, I literally LOVE every.single.song. There are many people who claim that the standard of her songs are deteriorating or whatsoever but I strongly beg to differ – just look at the songs from her latest self-composed self-titled album Avril Lavigne, it’s perfection as usual :’)

Life is like a rolling coaster. Live it. Be happy. Enjoy life.
– Avril Lavigne

And so … she has released 5 studio albums thus far, & I’ve dedicated the entire day to listen to her songs, to commemorate this special day! (On a sidenote, I’m SO jealous of all ’em fans who get to join Avril’s birthday party @ Vegas today omg 😦 )

Let Go (2002)
Under My Skin (2004)
The Best Damn Thing (2007)
Goodbye Lullaby (2011)
Avril Lavigne (2014)

I sincerely can’t wait for her to release her sixth, seventh, eighth & counting studio albums hee. It will probably be years before her next album is out, but definitely worth the wait. I’ve waited for 3 years for Avril Lavigne to be released, I’m willing to wait another 3 years for the next album :’) & so thankful that as a Little Black Star, I finally got the chance to enjoy her concert & see her in real life on 15 Feb 2014 this year, for The Avril Lavigne Tour. I was so, so overwhelmed with feels, literally.

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Why should I care what other people think of me? I am who I am. And who I wanna be.
– Avril Lavigne

Avril Lavigne will ALWAYS be my inspiration, and her songs are the ones I can fall back on whenever I’m sad/happy/lonely/blissful or whatever. & they strive as my motivation to carry on & keep holding on, no matter how tough things might get in life. There’s just so many things that I want to say but words will NEVER be able to encapsulate my admiration for Avril, from how she’s so persistent in her own personality & doesn’t conform to society, to the fact that she’d rather spend time trying to conceive tears to make her Wish You Were Here MV seem more real/touching (& hell did it evoke ’em strong emotions within me).

Saw a Little Black Star caption this on instagram, it’s so true indeed:

30 years ago my hero, my inspiration, my saviour was born ❤ Your music was there for me when I need someone there. When I would have a bad day, your music would save me from slipping away from my mind. When I was happy your upbeat music would make me smile even more. When I needed someone to understand you let me know that everybody hurts someday and it’s okay. When I was weak you told me to keep holding on. Words can’t honestly tell you how much you’ve gotten me through. Without your beautiful, unique and special voice I don’t know how I would survive. We’re all proud of you.

That’s why we save your photos
We save your videos
We save your music
Because you saved our lives.

(cr: avrillavigne_1984 on insta)

And I really wanna share my all-time favorite, Innocence, from The Best Damn Thing album in 2011 🙂 The lyrics of Innocence will always be my favorite, I guess it’s an ideal that I aim to attain in life someday. & have I mentioned how therapeutic it is to play Innocence on the piano? (‘:

P.S. There isn’t an actual MV for this song (sadly), but this version has been really, really famous & garnering a lot of views; it’s a compilation/snippets from her various MVs, worth the watch!

Happy 30th Birthday once again to my eternal inspiration, Avril Ramona Lavigne ❤ x

Ending off with the full lyrics of Innocence.

Waking up I see that everything is okay
The first time in my life and now it’s so great
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed
I think about the little things that make life great

I wouldn’t change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliant
I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect
Please don’t go away
I need you now
And I’ll hold on to it
Don’t you let it pass you by

I found a place so safe, not a single tear
The first time in my life and now it’s so clear
Feel calm, I belong, I’m so happy here
It’s so strong and now I let myself be sincere

I wouldn’t change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliant
I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect
Please don’t go away
I need you now
And I’ll hold on to it
Don’t you let it pass you by

It’s a state of bliss, you think you’re dreaming
It’s the happiness inside that you’re feeling
It’s so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
It’s a state of bliss, you think you’re dreaming
It’s the happiness inside that you’re feeling
It’s so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

It’s so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
This innocence is brilliant
Makes you wanna cry
This innocence is brilliance
Please don’t go away
Cause I need you now
And I’ll hold on to it
Don’t you let it pass you by

Runaway

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Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets.

So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don’t,

and believe that everything happens for a reason.

If you get a chance, take it.

If it changes your life, let it. 

Nobody said that it’d be easy, 

They just promised it’d be worth it.

Spent my time just now listening to all of Avril’s songs – both from old & present. Seriously can’t wait for her 6th album to be released (hopefully next year), because her songs are so therapeutic & just mean so much to me. No matter what other singers/artistes there are out there, Avril Lavigne’s position in my heart is irreplaceable :”) Proud to be a Little Black Star since primary school, wouldn’t trade spending my childhood listening to her songs for any other.

It’s quite a coincidence how the topic of trust pops out randomly again these days … so interesting listening to the different perspectives/advice from people I confide in. Don’t know why I did that in the first place but I’m glad I did. Everyone needs a little breather some time, so I’m genuinely thankful for the chances/platforms where I got to rant. But it doesn’t change the fact that it makes me feel guilty/burdenful towards those I talk to. 

Headed down to IMH yesterday morning for their volunteer orientation programme, it was so insightful & reaffirms my passions for the field of psychology & volunteering. As cliche as it sounds, it’s really about helping the people you can help to the best of your abilities, & making a difference. I’m positive with each volunteering experience comes great insights, hopefully being able to shape myself into becoming a better person! May it be a wonderful & meaningful journey of volunteering ahead.

Went back to hwach with the clique for MAF yesterday :’) Really miss hanging out daily at the CT bench, walking around or just chilling at random places & doing stupid stuff during break times. I miss randomly doodling on A’s paper etc (haha best tablemate ever really), or playing navigation with hierarchy tier mate. JC may or may not have been the best time of my life, but it definitely became better with the presence of my awesome clique. Without them, I think I wouldn’t be where I am today, really.

I kind of miss the tradition of celebrating MAF actually … I remember how we used to head to playgrounds with lanterns (either the electronic ones or the candle-lit ones), with a box of candles & just lighting them up to form shapes on the ground. If growing up means losing all these precious moments & little joys in life, then I’d rather time rewind & not move forward ahead.

I’m thankful for certain friendships in my life. Old or new, they all mean a lot to me, more than words can ever express, so thank you for the constants in my life. I guess the number of years attached to a friendship just reaffirms it, but even if it’s new friendships made recently, who says it can’t last for a lifetime? :’)

So much to do yet so little time, feeling so stressed out I’m not even kidding … but I’ll have faith. This is the last day of August, so till the next time we meet again in September x