Hindenburg Lover

We were floating for days
We were flying the way
That doves do
And I loved you

We were sailing the sky
Watch the clouds passing by
Like a dreamland
Where should we land

We were invincible
That’s what they said
So indivisible
Wherever we went

Higher than high, yeah
I guess that we had it all
Light up the sky and then
We thought that we’d never fall

You were my Hindenburg lover we were flyin’ away
But then we took a wrong turn and it was all up in flames
And now I’m starin’ at the wreckage tryin’ make it okay
Oh yeah

I guess I got burned from the scars on my heart
But I’d be lyin’ if I said I didn’t know from the start
That there was just something in between us that would tear us apart
Oh yeah

I can still see your face
Looking back through the flames
And I search it
Was it worth it

No I don’t mind the smoke
But your tears make me choke
Will you rescue
All that we’ve been through

Higher than high, yeah
I guess that we had it all
Light up the sky and then
We thought that we’d never fall

You were my Hindenburg lover we were flyin away
But then we took a wrong turn and it was all up in flames
And now I’m starin at the wreckage tryin make it okay
Oh yeah

You were my Hindenburg lover we were flyin away
But then we took a wrong turn and it was all up in flames
And now I’m starin at the wreckage tryin make it okay
Oh yeah

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Hello, 2019.

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One day you’ll make peace with your demons, and the chaos in your heart will settle flat. And maybe for the first time in your life, life will smile right back at you and welcome you home.

It was a pretty surreal feeling to have stepped quietly into 2019. 2018 really did fly past quickly, I still remember about the countdown to 2018 so vividly and voila, it’s already a new year.

2018 was filled with laughter, breakdowns, and many many memories. Went to Ipoh for the first time with two of my dearest colleagues-turned-friends, and had multiple other short trips with ’em old friends.

2018 was also filled with multiple health scares, which were honestly quite frustrating because of how disruptive it was to my work schedule. Thankful to have made it through the year, thankful that despite the multiple health issues in people around me, we have all made it to 2019 together.

2018 consisted of dark, dark moments. Moments where everything seemed so bleak, where hope was all gone, where every little thing was a trigger & a whole lot of frustration. And yet, 2018 balanced things out by allowing me to forge strong connections with so many friends at work, who tided through difficult times together.

2018 marked the year I turned 24, and the end of 2018 also marked the 1 year mark of my time as an inpatient MSW. In the past few days leading to the end of the year, I couldn’t help but to think of my patients whom I’ve journeyed with in the past year. All the lost souls, late patients who never got the chance to make it to the new year. All their hopes, wishes, goals, ceasing upon the moment of their last breath. Thank you for being strong nevertheless, and for everything we shared during the last journey in your lives.

As a teen, I used to marvel at the 20-somethings and how they all seem to have gotten their lives together, and now being 24, it amazes me from time to time about how much responsibilities lie on my shoulder, and yet I still clearly haven’t gotten things all figured out.

Thank you 2018, you’ve been quite a ride. I’m glad it’s over.

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In 2019,

May we all learn to love ourselves a little more; to put our physical & mental health as priority, and understand that it is okay to say “no” sometimes.

To continue to love our lives no matter how difficult it seems; for living is really something that people take too carelessly for granted.

May we all be happy, in 2019.

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x

Poetry

Thought I found a way
Thought I found a way, yeah (found)
But you never go away (never go away)
So I guess I gotta stay now
Oh, I hope some day I’ll make it out of here
Even if it takes all night or a hundred years
Need a place to hide, but I can’t find one near
Wanna feel alive, outside I can fight my fear
Isn’t it lovely, all alone?
Heart made of glass, my mind of stone
Tear me to pieces, skin and bone
Hello, welcome home
Walkin’ out of town
Lookin’ for a better place (lookin’ for a better place)
Something’s on my mind
Always in my headspace
But I know some day I’ll make it out of here
Even if it takes all night or a hundred years
Need a place to hide, but I can’t find one near
Wanna feel alive, outside I can fight my fear
Isn’t it lovely, all alone?
Heart made of glass, my mind of stone
Tear me to pieces, skin and bone
Hello, welcome home
Woah, yeah
Yeah, ah
Woah, woah
Hello, welcome home

It’s a Billie Ellish playlist kinda Sunday morning, really love the lyrics in Lovely.

So many thoughts, so many questions these days. 2018 is ending, and I guess to some extent – good riddance?

Taking the time to reflect, spending the time to build a safe space for thoughts to (re)surface and perhaps it may be time to face some demons. Almost, but not quite yet. Amidst all the jumbled thoughts these days, the most significant revelation will probably be:

Self-destruction comes in many forms.

Till the next time x

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Drown

Broken //

I like it when it rains hard. It sounds like white noise everywhere, which is like silence but not empty.

t’was an interesting night out yesterday. Slept at 3am, and woke up at 7.30am in fear of oversleeping haha fml guess the late night thoughts shall transfer to early morning thoughts, as I sit here waiting for time to pass till it’s time to really wake up.

Really, really thankful for colleagues I’ll call as dear friends, who have been so so supportive during difficult times, I’ve grown to learn that I am not exactly the easiest person to be around, both in my hyper and low mood phases.

Yesterday’s conversations, amidst the fun & laughter, momentarily brought me back to hmm… 10 years ago? Before everything in my life started to slowly crumble & spiral downwards. I’ll acknowledge that there have been good things that emerged, but as a whole life just seems pretty screwed up. And new perspectives were introduced … who’s to say that someone is “good” or “nice” or “bad”? Which version(s) of a person are we even acknowledging when these labels get slapped on?

Until I’m able to reconcile with certain incongruences within me, I guess this shall be for the better. I’ll learn to stop worrying the people who care for and love me.

And maybe someday, I’ll start to allow myself to embrace these. Baby steps, baby steps.

Solitary

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“Tell me about the things you love, and the things you hate. Tell me what keeps you going, and what makes you falter. Tell me about the things that boil your blood, and the ocean you cry when no one is looking. Tell me anything. Tell me nothing. I will listen. Even when you have nothing but silence to offer. I will still listen.”

Midnight colours

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“I look for you everywhere; small gestures made by all kinds of people in the street remind me of you, by their similarity as much as by their differences, but I cannot say what is obsessing me; it obsesses me utterly and leaves no strength to express it.”
– Franz Kafka

Unresolved feelings really do come back to hit you, even if it has been many years since. So the question is – How do I move forward, if the haunts of my past keep coming to tug me backwards?

Staycay with the team was awesome, t’was a great weekend spent with games & drinking. ‘am an absolute sucker for change, and yet things are so dynamic and change is really the only constant. May I have the strength to face the upcoming changes again. Work anxiety seems to be coming back pretty badly again, partially stemming from expectations of self and expectations from others. KTV with the team was … interesting? Have always been someone who focuses on lyrics of songs, and when sad songs become so relatable, it takes all the effort to refocus on the present & not brood over unhappy thoughts/feelings. Still enjoyed myself tremendously though, great company I’ll never trade for any other 🙂

Living and surviving work week by week, day by day. Not sure when’s the next break, but I desperately need it. My conclusion after slightly more than a year of being a social worker: it takes more than just the heart and good clinical skills to survive as a social worker.

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It really is the worst.

3:00AM

 

^Found this mixtape by chance, and absolutely loving it.

The recent weeks have left me feeling all sorts of emotions – overwhelmed, thankful, hopeful, hopeless.

SWIC 2018 was a wild decision, so thankful for the opportunity to be a facil despite my lacking experience as a practitioner in this field. Learnt so, so much from the agency visits & sharing from fellow Workers, and also reaffirmed my love & passion for this wonderful sector. Through the camp, I realised that what I hoped to offer to fellow Workers, was the willingness and being daring enough to not just think with my head, but to embrace things with my heart. To allow myself to be vulnerable enough to feel emotions that hit close to home, and yet maintaining that professionalism. Values guide us, but whether they define us entirely is then debatable.

Reconnected with a friend yesterday, and he mentioned that the conversation we shared back when I was in Y3S2 changed his life – one that we had during a lecture. After the semester I never really followed up with this friend, but meeting again yesterday made me feel so…. overwhelmed with emotions. It was because of that conversation, he decided to switch to social work major. Immensely thankful & glad that it was a choice he didn’t regret :’) And it goes to show how words do have an impact. May we never forget the power of words, and the importance of conversations.

“I hope you will never lose the passion & always remember the reason why you are doing what you are doing.” A line from the farewell card given by an intern today. It was a fun ride alongside ’em interns, and through conversations & processing with them, it made me more self aware about my values. On hindsight, I concluded that there is no “good” or “bad” social worker, but rather about the “goodness of fit” in the sector they work in. If someone seems to be a “bad” worker, it may just very well be because they haven’t found their true calling, the right sector where they’ve always been meant to be in.

Giving a public talk tomorrow – first talk as a practitioner in the field (!!) Going to share about what living with cancer means, and the psychosocial aspects of how cancer may affect an individual and their loved ones. Feeling so inadequate – for who am I to share on behalf of the department? But feeling so encouraged by all the random “jiayous” and people who believe in me. May the talk go smoothly, and that I do this profession proud 🙂

So, so humbled by the experiences & opportunities I have been given along the way. Learning to be appreciative, and to embrace the fact that perhaps, I do have something to offer to this world too.

 

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