Remedy

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You were gasping and grasping onto things that were never yours to begin, to search for the light at your end of the tunnel. The light that was already yours, waiting to be held. The light that was already inside of you, waiting to be discovered.

Distant

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“The way human beings speak is so heartbreaking to me—we never sound the way we want to sound. We’re always stopping ourselves in mid–sentence because we’re so terrified of saying the wrong thing. Speaking is a kind of misery. And I guess I comfort myself by finding the rhythms and accidental poetry in everyone’s inadequate attempts to articulate their thoughts. We’re all sort of quietly suffering as we go about our days, trying and failing to communicate to other people what we want and what we believe.”

– Annie Baker

It’s getting difficult again. The past few weeks have been painful to go through, albeit efforts in attempting to mask them, they still slip through the cracks of the facade and get faced with the realities of the world. Do people care? Maybe they do, maybe they don’t.

Being in an emotionally vulnerable state where it takes something deceptively minor to just tip you off the scales and start bouldering away and into an abyss. By the time you realise what’s happening, you’ve reached the depths within, and it makes coming out seem almost impossible.

Self love is not easy, but never was it expected to be that difficult. I get tired too. If it’s frustrating for the people around me to witness this vicious cycle, what about me?

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Sometimes not speaking says more than all the words in the world.

Transitions

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I think people would be happier if they admitted things more often. In a sense we are all prisoners of some memory, or fear, or disappointment—we are all defined by something we can’t change.

Spent the weekend reflecting about how my transition has been.

Truly blessed to have been given the chance to join the Hope team, and yet feeling so inferior and wondering if I’ll ever be able to live up to expectations. Honestly, despite all the affirmation from people around me and all the confidence boosters & encouragements, I still feel…. incompetent & inadequate.

This transition, in its totality, still feels too surreal to be true. May I one day grow to acknowledge my role to be where I am. Till then, it’s an ongoing push I’ll need to give myself to feel like I’m allowed to be where I am, and doing what I’m doing.

Going for a 5-day course next Wednesday onwards, may the course help me to gain some clarity in my role and how I fit in to this whole sector.

Time

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On days when you feel the storm in you rages more than it normally does, than it should be, I hope you remember that the biggest star is on its way to you. The Sun with the warmest love, will soon shine upon you.

The past few weeks have been about transitions.

Bade farewell to my surgical family late last month, and officially transitioned into the Hope team on 27 May. Pretty surreal that this change happened, but glad for this opportunity nevertheless. It was admittedly a shock, and I was overwhelmed by the change due to the tight timeline I had to complete my transition. Part one of transition is more or less completed, may part two be a smooth one too. Still not sure if I have what it takes to be a competent worker, but life is all about challenges right? May I continue learning, growing & gain new insights in this new journey ahead.

Started my third year as a social worker in the medical setting earlier this week on 5 June. It’s amazing how quickly time goes by, and I’m shocked at how I managed to survive the past 2 years. It hasn’t been easy and the number of times I broke down…. countless haha. I’ve always said that if possible, I’d like to stay in the medical setting for a long time. But if you asked me the question half a year ago, my answer may have been “I don’t know (how long more I can sustain)”. My faith was tested, I questioned my beliefs, my abilities, and the goodness of fit. I wasn’t in a good place back then. Not saying that things are smooth sailing now, but if you were to ask me that question again, my answer may still be an “I don’t know”, but this time, filled with a little more hope and positivity amidst the uncertainty and insecurities.

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Reconnected with an old friend recently and all I can say is… may second chances exist. This whole episode actually made me think a lot, about the past and how decisions of the past truly shape the outcomes we face in the future/present times. I normally don’t regret my actions/decisions from the past but pertaining to this, truthfully I admit – I regret, a lot. Would there ever be a chance to make amendments? If I could turn back time, I would return back to the version of me then and give myself the courage, instead of choosing the easier way out – avoidance. I’m sorry to the present me, to have to suffer the consequences of the cowardly me in the past, may there be a chance to make it right this time.

‘was on medical leave for the first time this year… it was difficult accepting the medical leave but I was not in the right state to work. Never had fever go up so high before and coupled with the migraine, I had no choice but to give this body a rest. Being on medical leave is awful, especially knowing that the team could really use the support instead of the extra burden at this point in time. With 3.5 days of rest while being homebound, I’m glad to be heading back to work again tomorrow.

Thank you to the ones who have stood patiently by me, for holding space and being understanding, during the times when I couldn’t love myself.

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I may not be have the time nor energy to be a fangirl anymore, and I admit I am not up to date with whatever individual schedules each of the members are up to, but my loyalty remains and hence, today being 9 June 2019,

#9YearswithINFINITE #인피니트_9주년_아직도_난_너뿐이야

Thank you Infinite, I’ll always be an Inspirit

Aeipathy

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I want to talk about what happened without mentioning how much it hurt. There has to be a way. To care for the wounds without reopening them. To name the pain without inviting it back into me.

x

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She didn’t want to say but she was falling apart,
she wanted someone to hold her but she was too stubborn to ask.
She will not beg to be loved, she preferred to walk away, to be alone instead.
She mastered the art of faking a smile, a smile that never reached up to her eyes.
Look in them and you will know how they flood every night,
how sorrow and her are lovers that can’t stay apart.
She could take all the pain that came her way, will not say a single word,
but couldn’t stand to see the look of pity for her in someone’s eye.
She pretended like she didn’t care but she had one of the purest heart,
a heart that deserved nothing but love.
She cared about the people she loved,  because she knew how
it felt like to be unwanted.
But no one cared about her, nobody knew how she smiled during the day
and cried herself to sleep every night.
She was surrounded by so many yet she felt lonely…
What’s worse than feeling alone in a room full of people.

x

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Sensitive people are the most genuine and honest people you will ever meet. There is nothing they won’t tell you about themselves if they trust your kindness. However, the moment you betray them, reject them or devalue them, they become the worse type of person. Unfortunately, they end up hurting themselves in the long run. They don’t want to hurt other people. It is against their very nature. They want to make amends and undo the wrong they did. Their life is a wave of highs and lows. They live with guilt and constant pain over unresolved situations and misunderstandings. They are tortured souls that are not able to live with hatred or being hated. This type of person needs the most love anyone can give them because their soul has been constantly bruised by others. However, despite the tragedy of what they have to go through in life, they remain the most compassionate people worth knowing, and the ones that often become activists for the broken hearted, forgotten and the misunderstood. They are angels with broken wings that only fly when loved.

x

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I’ve got a bad case of the 3:00 am guilts – you know, when you lie in bed awake and replay all those things you didn’t do right? Because, as we all know, nothing solves insomnia like a nice warm glass of regret, depression and self-loathing.

x

Happy?

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It will take time, but flowers will eventually bloom in the places you believed would remain bare. Your soul will find peace again.

Can’t wait for the upcoming long weekend, hopefully I’ll spend some time penning my thoughts down.

Till then x