Happy?

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It will take time, but flowers will eventually bloom in the places you believed would remain bare. Your soul will find peace again.

Can’t wait for the upcoming long weekend, hopefully I’ll spend some time penning my thoughts down.

Till then x

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Universe

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For there is nothing heavier than compassion. Not even one’s own pain weighs so heavy as the pain one feels with someone, for someone, a pain intensified by the imagination and prolonged by a hundred echoes.

Attempts

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One day you’ll find someone that chooses you and continues to choose you everyday. And that’s when you’ll be thankful everything happened the way that it did.

Had to return back to work yesterday, and the day started with high levels of anxiety again. The session wasn’t all too bad, but it was so stressful & thinking about the subsequent follow up actions required triggers my anxiety all over again. Thankful for such a supportive supervisor who called immediately after it ended, and for supportive friends who have been there throughout this journey with me.

Posted a question via instastory yesterday: “When was the last time you truly felt happy?” Among others, one that struck me was “A long time ago” because hey, our answers seem to be the same. While posting the question, I acknowledged there has been happiness periodically throughout, but when was I truly happy? What does it even entail, being truly happy?

& yet, I think I found my answer last evening/night. Last night was a night of healing, and it was therapeutic. I’m so so blessed to have met two souls so beautifully complex and fragile, and yet so strong at the same time. Opened up about things I don’t normally talk about, and it felt liberating getting things off my chest. All those years of struggling alone, who would have known of the pain & torture? I never wanted the night to end, there was calmness in staring at the river while sitting on the steps along Clarke Quay late at night, and on hindsight, I could say, I was truly happy last night.

Not sure if I’m ready to face another week ahead, but hello again anxiety, my old friend. Perhaps it’s time to leave, or maybe not?

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To the people who see beyond masks, we are all beautifully broken in our own ways.

What we know of other people is only our memory of the moments during which we knew them. And they have changed since then.

And with this quote, I shall end this post with the hope for a long-awaited clarity/closure this coming week.

Strength

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Self care isn’t just drinking water and going to sleep early. Self care is taking a break when things become overwhelming, saying no to things you do not want to do, allowing yourself to cry, asking for help from those around you, doing things that make you happy.

Today was overwhelming.

Started the day with a 3-hour long family conference, and largely spent on mediating family conflict. Halfway through the session I suddenly had a random thought – I wonder what goes through their minds, having an external party (aka me) come in to mediate things and bridge communication, between parties in the family that have not been talking amicably for years. Hmm.

Moved on to review a new patient, who seems so trapped in the cycle of family violence and she does not see an exit point any longer. Resigned to fate, maybe? Out of love for her son, perhaps? But it’s just so, so sad.

Had another family conference in the afternoon, for another tedious care case. Glad that it is done & dusted, now for the subsequent follow ups required.

Highlight of my day would probably be chilling with my favourite constants in the dept. Every working day I genuinely feel blessed to have such strong support from my friends at work, which makes the fatigue a lot more bearable. Talking about hard truths….. I appreciate the honesty & I don’t fault anyone for anything. Yes it hurt and it’s painful, and yet it’s something that holds some truth and I got to acknowledge that as well. I’m no longer the same as I have been, and I’ve grown to learn what matters. Tears come and go, and while I may have been affected there and then, I believe I’m strong enough to overcome them.

Excited for what’s ahead in the coming months of 2019 🙂 May I have the courage to make changes & decisions in my life ahead.