Little Talks

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We shelter an angel within us. We must be the guardian of that angel.

Procrastination at its best despite having a paper tomorrow & I am far from being prepped . . . the lack of motivation for this module is legit haha. Currently only 20% done with finals & I’ve so many friends who are done/gonna be done/more than halfway through already sigh this sucks. It’s only gonna get worse next week when everyone’s in post finals mode and nope, finals only end next Thursday for me ugh.

Feeling angsty/sian these days really easily it’s not good gosh. But for good reason I suppose? And the amount of ambiguity and issues and pent-up frustrations in my life has been overwhelmingly insane what’s going on in my life???? And also feeling pretty meh about not going for OMAM/Damien Rice concerts when they hit the town, nobody to go with/not sure if I have work haha daaaaamn what a bummer.

‘ve been listening to quite a few songs these days that aren’t helping my mood/situation, I guess this is what people mean when they talk about feeding negativity with more negativity, it’s a vicious cycle that you wouldn’t want to step out of. Kinda really apologetic to those who listen to my never-ending vents whoopsies but thanks guys y’all are the best thanks for always checking in on me randomly to make sure I’m still surviving/sane/alive *virtual hug* 🙂 Okay gross.

Kinda need to regulate my sleep cycle before placement starts, not helpful at all if I’m gonna be sleeping past 4 in the morning everyday whoooops. Late nights do serve as a good platform for therapeutic thinking, but engaging in too much of such might serve as a deterrence from accepting reality hmm. Go figure. Anywaaaaaay, read so many random articles today that are really thought provoking, ranging from articles about torturing mentally ill prisoners to the controversy of kindness to even talking about reevaluating empathy hmm. And also the article about child protection work/services in SG that G shared (hi there HAHA), with the increasing prevalence of articles related to our work, it really makes you think a lotttttt more. Kinda wanna discuss about my thoughts on all ’em articles I read today but it’s finals period & I don’t wanna disturb anyone more than I already have so, self-discussion shall suffice I guess. Anyone up for discussion lemme know though hee.

To sum my life up these days:

It’s just so out of control. Life, I mean. The way it flies off in all these different directions without your permission. – Sara Zarr

Till the next time, all the best to everyone fighting battles (be it finals or not) x

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C’est la vie

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Life is a race, it’s a marathon, but you’re sprinting all the way. (Ng, 2016)

And that’s when you start to feel exhausted, that’s when you start to walk on margins. And that’s when you realise, you’re only human, even though everyone expects more.

x

Almost

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How many bad days do you have to get through to finally deserve a good day because honestly, I need a break.

Read this quote on Tumblr and it struck me so hard, it’s the perfect reflection of what I’m going through these days. It’s getting difficult again, balancing everything and more importantly, coming to terms with my emotions.

Sometimes, you feel as though it’s you against the world. On nights like these, when all you crave for is to be understood, what you get in return is nothing but bouts of disappointment, in the world, in the people around you, in yourself.

It’s easy for people to advise and preach about how there are better things to focus on, instead of moping in the whirlpool of emotions that tend towards negativity. It’s easy for people to tell you to leave the past behind, for what’s done cannot be undone. But have they ever realised, that perhaps, some things can never be left behind no matter how hard you try. Perhaps, these things don’t belong to the past. Perhaps, these things belong to you.

A few days ago, I randomly chanced upon this post that was left in the cobwebs of drafts and never made it to endlessparadigm. It was an unfinished post, one that was filled with irony in comparison to the state of my life currently. Since the post was drafted, so much has changed. Something quoted from a (used to be) close friend, that was said in the unfinished post was:

Always trust in the person until they break your trust.

The amount of weight that statement carries right now is just so, so suffocating. And I realised how reluctant I am to have had to let go of the friendship. I know there isn’t any point in harping on it anymore, and trust me when I say that I’ve contemplated endless times on whether I should attempt to revive the friendship. But like the cliché saying goes, it takes two hands to clap. For what it’s worth, I don’t want to be the one trying while knowing the outcome right from the very start. Because truth be told, I’m tired. I’m tired of trying, and maybe I’m selfish but I’d rather live in oblivion of the harsh truth of reality.

But at the same time, there’s that curiosity, there’s the need for closure. What should you do, when you’re experiencing hopeful sadness? Or rather, what could you do, when you’re handicapped by so many factors?

Sometimes you need to distance yourself and create alone time – so you can connect with who you really are, and discover for yourself what you want out of life.

Almost wasn’t quite enough for me. Till the next time x

Heartbeat

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We’re all scared most of the time. Life would be lifeless if we weren’t. Be scared, and then jump into that fear. Again and again. Just remember to hold on to yourself while you do it.

Had a fun time with (part of) 14MC for MC Photoshoot earlier today 🙂 Really excited and hopeful for the term ahead with 14MC, it won’t be an easy path, but at the end of our term, hopefully we will all be able to look back and have many fond memories etched in our minds/hearts for the rest of our lives 🙂 Glad that I’m given the platform to pursue something that I’m passionate about, hoping that everything will work out eventually. Things have been made easier with a bunch of fun people to work with, I’ll definitely be at a loss without all of their guidance & advice. May 14MC be more bonded, serve CSC well in our various positions, be more active as a volunteer on-the-ground, and have fun while we’re at it 🙂

Received the results of my (one & only) midterms, glad I didn’t screw it up despite studying for it only the night before. Perks of it being a psychology-related social work module, and that it was an MCQ test haha. Need to start mugging for finals soon after all the submissions are over; 3 submissions this week + 1 next week, can’t wait to have the time to fully concentrate on finals! Rather determined to do well (or at least decent) this semester, especially since it’s my first semester taking social work modules hee. Social work studies have been really insightful thus far, and it opened my eyes to many details that I’ve overlooked in the past. May the subsequent modules of social work in upcoming semesters be as fulfilling as this semester has been 🙂

Normality is subjective – it’s a social construct, and it’s perceived in different ways, from different point of views, depending on how you define it to be. What constitutes actions/thoughts that are supposedly normal anyway? Been doing quite a bit of soul searching amidst the busy days, trying to understand what I truly want and what matters more. It’s unhealthy to harp onto things/thoughts that don’t deserve any attention, or even contributing to the sadness faced for that matter. Sometimes it’s inevitable to clutch onto those memories in hope for a reoccurrence even though we know it’s not going to happen. And over-reliance is a big no-no.

But then I realised – you can’t find someone who will fix you. That’s not how it works. You’re supposed to find someone who inspires you to fix yourself. Not someone who thinks all your flaws are perfect, but someone who challenges them; someone who can tell you that you can rise above the past and learn to love & trust again. No one will show up in your life with the magic words to chase the demons away. But one day you will meet someone who will make you want to fight them off yourself, because they deserve nothing less than your best.

Being positive doesn’t mean pretending everything is okay all the time. It means acknowledging your feelings & realising that you have the power to overcome any obstacle. It means realising that although you can’t control your circumstances, you can always see the silver lining. There is always a silver lining.

Late nights serve as an apt time to craft such thought-provoking posts, enjoying the peace & tranquility that only nights can provide. Alright back to socio-cultural theories in social work assignment, hoping to complete it before sunrise haha. Productivity level needs to increaseee haha.

P.S. Really a sucker for flowers & helium balloons, so pretty omg hahah okay till the next time x

Foolish Games

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The most beautiful thing about life is that it gives you an infinite amount of tests you can retake. If you failed one, there will no doubt be another test that you could do better on. The most important thing to keep in mind, is that you are accumulating your own techniques and getting better as you take each consecutive test. Past mistakes are simply tests you fumbled on; there will always be another one to tackle and do better as long as you live.

Yesterday was a really meaningful day, spent at Paint-A-Home, and subsequently attending S’s surprise birthday party, while ending the day by chilling with Y. It was a mad rush to get home and scape all the paint on me before making sure I was presentable enough for a party LOL.

Saying that the experience was memorable at PAH would be a major understatement. This is the first time volunteering with PAH, and absolutely no regrets, although I feel really bad for having to leave early, and sad that I couldn’t witness the end product of the hard work put in by cannies. For the time I’ve been there, it has been really fun; for we could still play and joke around while getting work done. I guess something so special about volunteering is that it really serves as a platform for bonding together amidst the time we render our services to beneficiaries 🙂 Had an awesome GL for PAH too, thanks M for letting me paint your entire palm with white paint 🙂 Many amusing episodes that occurred during PAH, these memories would stay on forever.

S’s surprise 21st party was … so pretty 🙂 Little Miss Sunshine themed, the deco was simple yet so befitting of the theme, it was just right & I really enjoyed the time; it was a good platform to catch up with my babes whom I dearly miss 😦 Had so much fun teasing the birthday girl about the present HAHA. ‘It’s from VS, it’s something you can wear, and people shouldn’t see it.’ This is definitely going into the list of many epic moments that occur in our friendship 🙂 Can’t wait to meet up again soon, when we are all less busy with our commitments & what-nots.

Post-party was spent chilling & chatting with Y, and spending over an hour in a bookshop that had really cute stuff (cheap thrills). Thanks for all the advice and patiently listening to whatever I had to say, while sharing with me about your experiences in volunteering/internship 🙂 Felt so much better after letting it all out, and even managing to make amusing jokes out of those situations. Some things don’t change and I’m thankful for constants, just like how this friendship has progressed over the years, with bonds continually forged through the sharing of our lives.

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Sometimes as we grow up, we forget the importance of staying true to who you are. Such a simple logic, yet often overlooked. What a pity, isn’t it? To lose yourself bit by bit, while trying to fit in with societal expectations. For that, I appreciate those who tolerate me for who I am, to not judge me when I’m being childish & all, and to embrace things for how they are, without giving a care about what others will think.

True relationships stay gold x

Paradox

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As I’m typing this post, I’m filled with gratitude and thankfulness, for YR Adventure Camp 2015 has officially concluded.

For those who don’t know, in 2014, being the secretary of the AC Committee, I kick-started my first official event in YR. In the blink of an eye, it has been a year since my first involvement & joining of the YR family. Looking back, it’s amazing how much we’ve been through in the past year 🙂 Shan’t dwell too much into the past year for now, will definitely do up a review post nearing AGM, when we officially handover to our successors hee. Whatever it is, happy first anniversary to me, as a volunteer in YR 🙂 May there be many more years to come, to let us witness the fruits of our labour prosper into something that will continue to reach out to even more youths, and impact their lives positively.

It hasn’t been easy for the subcommittee to plan the camp. Right from the very beginning, they have met with many obstacles, many issues, many setbacks; but they didn’t give up. Not once did they give up, they persevered, and the end result was nothing but satisfaction & fulfilment – our youths enjoyed themselves tremendously. Sincerely wishing a genuine thank you to everyone who have helped out through the process of planning the camp, be it behind the scenes or as an active participant in the preparations.

A huge thank you to the AC subcomm & volunteers, who have put in so much effort and being really responsible for their own roles in this camp. I’m glad that nothing major happened, albeit certain small hiccups along the way. Bottom line – as long as the youths are happy, I’m contented; and will declare the camp a success. Through this camp, I’ve forged new friendship bonds with my fellow volunteers as well – it’s such a heartwarming feeling to share the same passion, and to spread the spirit of volunteerism to them 🙂 I might still be lacking in one way or another, but I’m learning, and still trying my best 🙂

Caught the magnificent sunrise in the morning of day 2 of YR AC, it was so breathtaking and therapeutic to look at. Sometimes when lift gets tough, such little things in life, like admiring the sunrise, or gazing at the stars at night, really serves as a good times to just clear our minds, and focus on the happy things. It helps to guide us, and to not let our emotions overwhelm us in ways that may be detrimental in making decisions.

As the main facil for my tribe, it’s heartening to see how much they have progressed, how they take the initiative and display their leadership skills/qualities. I’m so, so proud of every single youth, for they have contributed to the camp in different ways. I’ve seen them take care of each other, work together to complete tasks, and simply enjoying each other’s company. People around me would know much precious and important our youths mean to me, and they are always my priority when it comes to YR matters. Words can’t encapsulate my feelings, but all I’ll say is, thank you to our dearest youths, for being so open-minded and trying all the activities.

I didn’t think that they would take the Group Flag Making seriously – but the flag that they designed really impressed me; it was so beautiful, and my heart swelled in pride, seeing how they were proud of waving the flag and displaying it wherever we went during the camp 🙂 This, taught them ownership.

Amazing Race was incredibly fun, they were (slightly) competitive, and were initially dejected because we were lagging behind as compared to the other tribe. But they motivated each other, and didn’t give up, all the way to the finish line, and eventually emerged as winners 🙂 This, taught them perseverance.

It wasn’t the first time they tried Outdoor Cooking, but they took the initiative to prepare the materials, to wash the mess tins after cooking & eating; and looking out for others to ensure that everyone’s welfare was taken care of 🙂 From coating the base of mess tins with toothpaste, to setting up of the solid fuel on the burning stands, to cooking the food, and cleaning up after themselves, I was so proud that they didn’t need much prompting at all 🙂 This, taught them responsibility.

Night Trail was shortened, and regrettably the other tribe didn’t manage to try one station. However, despite certain issues that happened, they still embraced the remaining games and challenges, and didn’t choose to pull out or play the blame game or whatsoever. It took a lot of guts to even attempt the Trust Fall station, and even though some didn’t manage to complete it, I’m glad they all at least attempted to try 🙂 This, taught them courage.

Testing of limits. Participating in Kayaking + Water Rafting with our youths on the second day was simply amazing, although I’m really sunburnt till it hurts. Playing games while kayaking, really aptly displayed the teamwork within everyone in the camp – I can’t believe we could actually stand up on our kayaks, hand in hand, braving the current, and sing the National Anthem LOL. ‘was literally mad trembling, but holding the hands of my two neighbouring facil/youth really gave me the courage. So proud of everyone for not giving up 🙂 This, taught them teamwork.

Apart from the aforementioned traits, they have also displayed our primary iCARE values of integrity, compassion, authenticity, respect, and excellence. It really pleases me, for one year ago, when you asked them what does iCARE stand for, their answer would have undoubtedly been “I don’t remember”. But now, they can just recite the 5 values so easily at the tip of their tongue 🙂 It took a year, but they finally learned, and I’ve seen the 5 values being displayed through their actions in the camp. Our efforts haven’t been in vain 🙂

Interacting with the youths, talking to each & every one of them, you’d start to realise how unique each of them are. These little things are often overlooked in regular sessions, for they don’t have an opportunity to truly display certain characteristics they have. For that, I’m glad that this camp served as a platform for them to challenge their limits, and develop themselves, while growing and learning to be a better person. I’m so impressed at our youths, and it’s really insightful to hear them talk about their aspirations & dreams 🙂

For what it’s worth, I’ll continue to befriend them, to help them, guide them, and serve as a mentor for them. As much as I’m helping them, I know they are helping me to be a better person as well.

Thank you, to everyone, who made this experience such a good & memorable one x

Remedy

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I think one of my favourite feelings is laughing with someone and realizing halfway through, how much you enjoy them and their existence.

We’re all pieces of the same ever-changing puzzle; some connected for mere seconds, some connected for life, some connected through knowledge, some through belief, some through love, and some connected with no explanation at all. Yet, as spiritual beings having a human experience, we’re all here for the sensations this reality or illusion has to offer. The best anyone can hope for is the right to be able to live, learn, and love. After which, reap the benefits of their own chosen existence in the hereafter, by virtue of simply believing in what they believe.

The past few days have been nothing but hectic & stressful, albeit fun & meaningful. But sometimes, everything just seems to get too tough to handle. Sometimes, all I want is to be able to step aside and take a break from all these, to really have some time to clear my mind and not have to worry about anything. And yet these become wishful thinking, and I know for certain it’s almost impossible. After all, this is reality, and any second wasted would render rushed times in the near future. Which would then lead to more stress, thus forming a vicious cycle that I won’t be able to step out from.

And yet, the past few days have showed me the importance of friends, the importance of daring to open up, the importance of not putting up a strong front any longer. Nothing touches me more than having people willing to sacrifice their time for me, to just listen to whatever I have to say. These little gestures mean a lot to me, and as much as I suck at showing my thankfulness, I really do appreciate such actions a lot. And I’ve learnt, or rather try to convince myself, that it’s okay not to be okay; where mistakes should serve nothing more than a learning process, rather than having guilt of wrong decisions overwhelm me more than it should.

I’ve realized that looking backwards only hinders growth. Because the more time you spend in solitude, the more you look back to everything that once seemed so right, yet seems so wrong now. The wrong moves, the wrong decisions. You loved with everything and you hurt with everything; it’s how you operate. Yet, you’re okay. Eventually, you’re okay. You live, you’re happy, and you finally move on. But it’s alright to be slightly bitter & hurt while attempting to mature. It’s all very confusing and unfair at times, but it’s no longer your loss nor your mystery to solve.

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We are like strangers, who started to know each other better, bit by bit.

Till the next time x