Destroyed

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Don’t blink, time goes by way too fast.

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Escapism

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Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting. Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you to love yourself, to make you feel better for a little while, or to just be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to. Not everyone is going to stay forever, and we still have to keep on going and thank them for what they’ve given us. – Emery Allen

Reminder to self. For what it’s worth, perhaps distancing earlier would be beneficial for others. The last thing I’d want is for progress to be impeded due to my presence . . . because ultimately, sacrifices have to be made, and I’d rather make the first move of separation. Call it being nice, or call it being selfish, I’ve gone through enough to know when to let go to prevent further upsets. I’m honestly tired this time. I’m tired of being conflicted between trying & walking away, so this time, let me be selfish and choose the latter.

“Week 13 already!!!” It’s gonna be an intense & crazy studying period ahead but let’s survive & look forward to placement in the summer 🙂 Skeptical of my abilities to perform as a Social Work student, but excited to learn from the experience hee. Pretty excited for all others on first placement too, it’ll be so fulfilling for all of us & listening from each other’s journey during placement! It’ll be a busy summer ahead with different commitments to juggle but . . . with faith & passion we’ll conquer it all.

I’ve grown to realise that situations beyond your control are far worse than situations that you can have an impact on. When you’re caught in a situation where you’re rendered useless, all you can feel is helplessness & despair. When no amount of worrying or crying can salvage anything, when you feel like the whole world has turned against you. Through this, I’ve learnt that I tend to escape from problems that I should be facing, though living in denial can only last for a short period of time. When reality slaps me in the face after, it’ll hurt a million times more, and I’m not sure if I can take it any longer.

Hmm anyway, ‘ve been listening to Hebe’s songs quite frequently, which is surprising given that I rarely listen to Chinese songs haha. Love the style & lyrics of her songs, it provides a blanket of comfort for times like these. But anyway, looking forward to song recommendations so please recommend if any (esp English songs hehe)!

Some of the greatest battles will be fought within the silent chambers of your own soul.

Till the next time x

Killing Loneliness

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Life doesn’t let you go back and change things. All you can do is learn from the past, and prepare for what the future may bring.

As much as I appreciate honesty, if I said I was okay hearing all those, I’d be lying. But the truth hurts, and truth be told, I don’t know how long it’ll be before I reach my breaking point. When you have to handle so many things all at once, it gets tiring, so overwhelming, and so, so lonely at times. I know I shouldn’t be feeling or thinking so negatively, but it’s inevitable given the circumstances – how can I keep up with this facade, knowing the realities of the truth? How many more masks of smiling faces & pretending that everything’s alright can I tolerate, before I give up?

Nights like these, I almost regret all those decisions back then. Almost.

x

Velveteen

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The little things? The little moments?
They aren’t little to me.

There are things that I dearly miss, but it’s unhealthy to keep dwelling in the past because it compromises on the things we should be appreciating in the present lives we lead.

I’m thankful for the memories, it clearly hasn’t been a short duration. Thank you for going through the good & bad, and for being a source of support for me when all else failed. I wouldn’t have been able to get through so many phases of my life if you weren’t there.

But these days, I find myself reminiscing the memories more than I should be – and this is a sign that things just aren’t the same any longer. I miss the past, and I wish that things would go back to how they used to be, but they can’t.

We went through a test before – this isn’t the first. But something tells me that this time round, we’ve failed. We don’t know each other anymore – our perceptions of each other’s lives are stuck in the past, since a few months ago. How much have things changed since then? On my end, I know that the changes have been so drastic you probably don’t even know of them – yet another source of upset. Life takes unexpected turns, and we don’t always have the time we think we have.

Maybe I’ll give this one last shot. And after, I’m officially done trying; and I’ll let this chapter close for good x

If I cut you off, chances are you handed me the scissors.

Camaraderie

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It’s strange how we always want other people to feel what we feel. It must be a basic human drive.
Misery loves company, right?
Or when you see a movie that you love, don’t you want to drag all your friends to see it as well?
Because it’s only good the second time if it’s the first time for somebody else – as if their experience somehow resonates inside of you.
The power of shared experiences.

Maybe it’s a way to remind ourselves that on some level we’re all connected.

Finally taking the time to update endlessparadigm. Honestly have many thoughts running through my mind for the past days/weeks, but it’s quite impossible to jot all of them down, especially when some are more personal haha. Maybe it’s a good time to revert back to the printed diaries instead? But then again, time is yet another issue to consider.

Watched Inside Out with A recently, and it was such a gooooood movie. Really love the concept of the movie, and how it illustrates the importance of different emotions in allowing a person to function well. Highly recommended movie (even though it’s animation), though I can’t unthink of the “control system” in each person’s mind now haha.

It was a summer of change. I’ve grown in so many ways. The crossroads came at every junction and I was almost lost one way or another; I still am. But I’m no longer standing where I used to be, and perhaps, that is enough for now.

3 September 2015 marked 2 significant milestones in my life.

First, where I’m stepping down as a vice-chairperson of Youth Rangers/Youth Beacons. Exactly 365 days of the official term, I still remember so clearly how AGM was on 4 Sept ’14, and the things that happened right before AGM last year haha. Looking back, the past year has been filled with fun, joy, laughter, despite the stress, tears, & unhappiness (at times). Each phase is yet another learning experience, and as long as there are memorable takeaways, it would be deemed worth it ultimately, isn’t it?

Next, where I’m officially assuming the role of VPRP in CSC. It still feels so surreal … but I’m looking forward to an amazing year ahead, alongside 14MC. Hoping not to disappoint anyone, including myself. And that I’d be able to handle everything, while not neglecting studies/family/friends. Going to take the time really soon to pen down my individual goals/expectations for my term in this position 🙂

Easily tired out these days. It’s been years since you broke me and I still step on the shattered remains of who I used to be.

Silence kills, go figure. Till the next time x

Cherish

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As we grow up, one important thing to realize is the inevitable progression of how things changed. From how they used to be, to how they are now. Perhaps some events are undeniably due to circumstance, and yet some are driven by the force of personal choices.

How sad it is, to be aware of such changes, to witness what was once relevant turn into something of little to no importance. The more I experience progressions, the more I appreciate constants; but maybe that’s just me. Not everyone acknowledges the little things in life, and merely take them for granted. How sad it is, to witness replacements, just because something better came along the way? To ditch the past just to embrace the new, that’s just nothing but ruthless & selfish. Just think about the people who have been there since day 1, or the people whom actually showed the care & concerns. It’s not even the case where the same amount of care etc is expected to be reciprocated, but isn’t there just the slight tint of guilt from your careless & hurtful actions or words (albeit unintentionally, or perhaps it was intentional – we’ll never know)? Maybe this time, we’re finally done trying.

It’s oddly fascinating yet excruciatingly upsetting how things work around in life. The way people can feel so connected … yet disconnected all at once. A close friend shared this with me earlier today: “As we grow up, our judgements get less clouded.” Sure there’re changes, but it hasn’t been all that drastic. Being the same with little discrepancies, it has been that way all along – we just fail to see the realities of how matters actually are. After all, don’t we all grow together? Or at least we thought we did. If you want to jump off the ride we have been riding together for such a long time, so be it. Just a note of caution, we’re humans too, and the hurt has been done already anyway. So much for the one-sided care sometimes, it gets tiring. And it clearly doesn’t help that it ain’t one-off, but rather a vicious cycle. I don’t believe in labelling “ignorance” as an excuse any longer, like we did in the past. This time, no excuses.

And it all boils down to priorities, or the lack thereof.

On a sidenote, saw this quote on Tumblr a few days back which I found to be really true.

I think I fall in love a little bit with anyone who shows me their soul.
This world is so guarded and fearful.
I appreciate rawness so much.

If the world was less calculative and filled with more love, gratitude and genuine people, it might be a better place to grow up in. As such, I really do appreciate the times when people around me let their guard down, let me in, and open up to me, as much as I feel comfortable in confiding in them 🙂 I know for a fact that I have serious trust issues, but it’s amazing (though scary at the same time) how comfortable I feel to opening up to people I barely know. Guess it takes someone with a similar soul to truly understand what everything encompasses. For when two fragile people meet, sensitivity becomes a given, boundaries are broken down individually and built around the two; knowing that confidentiality is an unspoken promise.

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For all that we’ve done/sacrificed, I think we deserve waaaaay better/more. At least now, I know the friendships/relationships worth cherishing x

Born to Die

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Please don’t ask if I’m okay
I might do something stupid like open up to you
and I’m really tired of getting close to people
and watching them leave me like I’m nothing
So don’t ask me if I’m okay
Unless you mean it

But if you really are genuine about it
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart

Sometimes people ask us the wrong questions, so we cannot give them the right answers. But the worst part is when we become those people and ask ourselves the wrong questions, because we are terrified of hearing the right answers.

Don’t ever use someone’s past against them. You’re just reminding them of the mistakes they made back then. If you watch their facial expressions carefully, then you’ll see the hurt in their eyes as they reminisce everything that happened. Never use emotions as a weapon, it strikes deeper than you can imagine.

I’m just so sick of everything, literally & figuratively okay bye x