Almost

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How many bad days do you have to get through to finally deserve a good day because honestly, I need a break.

Read this quote on Tumblr and it struck me so hard, it’s the perfect reflection of what I’m going through these days. It’s getting difficult again, balancing everything and more importantly, coming to terms with my emotions.

Sometimes, you feel as though it’s you against the world. On nights like these, when all you crave for is to be understood, what you get in return is nothing but bouts of disappointment, in the world, in the people around you, in yourself.

It’s easy for people to advise and preach about how there are better things to focus on, instead of moping in the whirlpool of emotions that tend towards negativity. It’s easy for people to tell you to leave the past behind, for what’s done cannot be undone. But have they ever realised, that perhaps, some things can never be left behind no matter how hard you try. Perhaps, these things don’t belong to the past. Perhaps, these things belong to you.

A few days ago, I randomly chanced upon this post that was left in the cobwebs of drafts and never made it to endlessparadigm. It was an unfinished post, one that was filled with irony in comparison to the state of my life currently. Since the post was drafted, so much has changed. Something quoted from a (used to be) close friend, that was said in the unfinished post was:

Always trust in the person until they break your trust.

The amount of weight that statement carries right now is just so, so suffocating. And I realised how reluctant I am to have had to let go of the friendship. I know there isn’t any point in harping on it anymore, and trust me when I say that I’ve contemplated endless times on whether I should attempt to revive the friendship. But like the cliché saying goes, it takes two hands to clap. For what it’s worth, I don’t want to be the one trying while knowing the outcome right from the very start. Because truth be told, I’m tired. I’m tired of trying, and maybe I’m selfish but I’d rather live in oblivion of the harsh truth of reality.

But at the same time, there’s that curiosity, there’s the need for closure. What should you do, when you’re experiencing hopeful sadness? Or rather, what could you do, when you’re handicapped by so many factors?

Sometimes you need to distance yourself and create alone time – so you can connect with who you really are, and discover for yourself what you want out of life.

Almost wasn’t quite enough for me. Till the next time x

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Summer

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Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you’re unlike any other?
You’ll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don’t wanna ever love another
You’ll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

And this post shall mark the last official day of the (non-existent) summer break, and tomorrow it shall be a fresh start as a Y3 undergraduate … as a Social Work major. Pretty excited for the modules this semester after browsing through the course outlines etc, may it have been a wise decision to take the leap. It’s not going to be an easy transition, especially since it’ll be the first time I’ll be taking 4 core modules (not to mention the fact that I’ve never taken any Social Work modules before). But it shall be a meaningful, enriching & fulfilling journey 🙂 At least my new course of study will complement my experiences as a volunteer in CSC, hopefully it’ll value-add & allow me to achieve deeper insights into the volunteering sphere.

Watched NUS Rag with A on 7 August, thanks for accompanying me to the event! First time watching The Sam Willows/Gentlebones live, amazing performances. The highlight (and main reason why I attended Rag) was for … Christina Grimmie! I remember watching her covers on youtube many years ago, and got utterly hooked & wowed by her talent! Then she went on to join The Voice, and was in Team Adam Levine, yet another of my celebrity crush HAHA *ultimate fangirl mode on*. Although she mostly performed her original songs during Rag which I haven’t been following, it was a love-at-first-hearing for Liar Liar – Christina Grimmie! The lyrics for Liar Liar are super nice, forever a sucker for such lyrics haha #teamgrimmie forever yaaaaay.

Sadness gives depth. Happiness gives height. Sadness gives roots. Happiness gives branches. Happiness is like a tree going into the sky, and sadness is like the roots going down into the womb of the earth. Both are needed, and the higher a tree goes, the deeper it goes, simultaneously. The bigger the tree, the bigger will be its roots. In fact, it is always in proportion. That’s its balance.

It’s not going to be a smooth-sailing semester ahead, but I’ll survive. Guilty of missing lectures frequently in the past two years, trying to make it a point to not miss lectures (to the best of my abilities), and actually pay attention during lectures instead of using my phone all the time whoops. Going for most lectures alone so … self-discipline! Time to start being productive again, and make each minute spent worthwhile. Really upset that S & Y are gonna be flying off for exchange super soooon, y’all will be dearly missed ): Not looking forward to having to send you guys off this weekend sigh can time pause, just for a while?

So excited to meet my youths tomorrow again hee. Last week’s session was a really good one with good attendance (11 youths hee). Please let the attendance rate be regular & consistently high! Last week’s topic was on Respect, to treat each other with a sincere heart & dignity. Had interesting conversations/discussions with our youths, it’s really heartening to witness them being serious & all during sharing sessions & not just taking them lightly. Learnt so much about & from them, hopefully they have great takeaways, as I’ve always had through all these interactions 🙂 Played a new board game called DixIt with our youths as well, hope to play it again tomorrow because it’s really, really fun hee.

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I don’t want to have to be the one who misses everything when everyone else has clearly forgotten. It’s mortifying. It’s mortifying to be the one who remembers. So I guess, it’s time for some closure. And I really hate being put in dilemmas, where my heart & mind clearly has different stands.

Soulmate, or not? x