Wings

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Lights go down
In the moment we’re lost & found
I just wanna be by your side
If these wings could fly
Damn these walls
In the moment we’re ten feet tall
And how you told me after it all
We’d remember tonight
For the rest of our lives

It’s approaching 4 in the morning and I’m not even close to being done with my last assignment for the semester, before I embark on the arduous mugging journey for the remaining days leading up to finals. Hoping for an increase in productivity & completion of this assignment before it’s due at 6pm on Sunday.

The last official day of lessons for the semester is officially over 🙂 Not too pleasantly it had to end with cog psych test, but I guess it went well. Hoping for a decent score & placing on the bell curve, but then again luck has never been on my side. Anywaaaay, this semester has been a really … interesting/fruitful one? There were many changes/new introductions in my life, and I’m still trying to cope with everything that’s going on. Many thoughts about this semester, both academically & non-academically, will definitely blog about the first semester as a year 2 undergraduate soon!

Back to the assignment, till the next time x

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Falling

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So where’s the “always” you promised?

Because sometimes people do actually feel that way. Sometimes your life feels like it’s caving in on you. Sometimes people really do feel like they don’t want to exist, like they just want to curl up in a ball, and go into that place between life & death. Saying “I don’t want to exist” isn’t saying “I want to go die”. It’s saying “I wish that, for the time being, I could go somewhere and not have to feel.” I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. And if you don’t know how it feels like to feel this way, then you have no place to judge anyone who does.

It’s one of those days where I feel like spamming Lana Del Rey’s songs, especially Ride & Born To Die. It’s a pity I haven’t been able to find anyone who truly appreciates LDR’s songs … but I love them I really do, they’re so therapeutic at best 🙂

Seriously can’t wait for midterms to be over, feeling so damn drained & lifeless these days. Too stressed out & all other problems piling up aren’t exactly helping in destressing ugh. Should hit the books again soon (literally haha okay kidding), may tomorrow’s cognitive psych midterms be manageable sigh x fingers really.

Aiming for an update sometime soon, stay tuned guys x

Silence

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Here’s to the kids who try their hardest to be good enough for everyone; who spend hours reading random quotes to find the right one; who listen to the same song dozens of times because the lyrics mean a lot; who deserve so much more than they get and are willing to fight for it; and whose wish upon a shooting star was wasted on someone that will never care.

Time check: 4:08 am.

Decided to take a breather from my assignment & just draft up a random post. Slowly trudging through my 1.5k word assignment for Public Health mod, and I have over a thousand words already yay (: But I’m still relatively far from done which probably means I’m going to have to spend time cutting down on words later ugh. Why must word limits be so strict, why are they limiting it to 1.5k words when I have more to say? And by cutting down on my work, it’s going to decrease the extent to which the words encapsulates my thoughts & stuff. But I’m just really glad it’s going to be done soon, considering how it’s due in approximately 14 hours (okay less than that) or so.

Wake Me Up When September Ends is currently playing, how apt a song this is now … so drained (but not sleepy though), can someone wake me up after September ends instead? Wouldn’t it be nice to just get to sleep a little longer than I should, because I can and because I want to. Really love this song, hooked onto it even after so many years. Many lovely songs discovered via Spotify, noted all of them down & really can’t wait to download all of these songs soon (: Recent fave song = Big Girls Cry by Sia, really worth the listen (click on the title haha I added the link already!) I think Sia’s voice is really unique, only heard 3 of her songs (Chandelier + Big Girls Cry + Eye of the Needle), but all 3 really caught my attention so … I’m definitely going to check out more of her songs when I’m more freed up!

The past few weeks have been really stressful with frequent mental breakdowns & what-nots, I’m so sorry to everyone around me who had to witness my … vulnerable episodes. But I’m okay now, & strong enough to deal with all the stress in my life (: So I’m fine, thank you to those who’ve showed concern in one way or another. I might not have expressed my gratitude well, but these little actions really mean a lot to me, more than you can ever imagine (‘: I guess it’s the reasoning of thoughts that helped me clear my mind a little, and to look at the realistic (yet slight positive) side of things. No point excessive worrying about things anyway, not like all the worrying or freaking out will change anything in reality.

Recess week is coming up soon, just one week of school between me & the pseudo freedom yaaaay. Finally won’t need to wake up before 8am every single day for lessons, I can’t begin to emphasize how much I’m NOT a morning person (actually me being awake now kind of shows it right haha). Recess week will be filled with loads & loads of mugging + meetings + meetups, x fingers I will be able to plan my time properly! Can’t wait for study dates during recess week.

In these two days, I genuinely feel as though my life is starting to creep back upwards, back to how it used to be (: I don’t want to lose myself because of all the shit that’s happening, so I’m glad I’m starting to see my old self again. I really miss the daily trolling of people at random times, or just blabbering nonsense to anyone anywhere anytime. Because that’s just who I really am (:

I’ve gained a new perspective recently as well. I don’t exactly think people change, but rather they form new masks that override the previous ones, which then makes it seem like they changed. People are just layers and layers of masks, showing different personas to different people who they meet in their lives. & it’s hard for people to see through these masks, so it makes me feel vulnerable when some can just tear these masks off me so effortlessly hmm.

Love these late night thoughts, although it’s relatively incoherent & rather nonsensical. Kind of sucks that nobody seems to be awake for me to talk to. So this is a random shoutout to all night owls, feel free to text me if you need any chatting buddy on late nights like these! Glad for that short 0.5h chat with my awesome angel just now at 2am, sorry to have kept you awake when you were preparing to head to bed already whoooops.

Many many people around me these days are feeling really down/overwhelmed by every single things in life. Seems as though things are crumbling down for most people … but cheer up, stay strong alright. Things WILL get better. It’s okay to be weak & break down at times, because like what someone told me, crying makes you human. So long you are able to stand up after, you’ll be more than just fine. It’s okay, it’s alright, eventually we will learn how to survive. After all, haven’t we being doing that for the past (insert your age) years of your lives? (: If anyone needs a listening buddy, I’m just a text/call away.

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But miracles take time to happen. They wait for you to feel worthless and then when you’re about to give up, they come knocking at the door and sometimes they come as humans.

I’m counting on this, please don’t disappoint this time alright. Okaaaaay I better continue on my assignment, jiayou shiao!

Till the next time x

Perfect Strangers

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Why? Why does what was beautiful suddenly shatter in hindsight because it concealed dark truths? Why does the memory of years of happiness turn to gall? Because such a situation makes it impossible to be happy? But we were happy! Sometimes the memory of happiness cannot stay true because it ended unhappily. Because happiness is only real if it lasts forever? Because things always end painfully if they contained pain, conscious or unconscious, all along? But what is unconscious, unrecognized pain?

Finally got the time to just sit down and type a proper post, despite life being so busy – currently juggling between clearing backlog of studies & preparation for Outreach matters. In fact, busy is an understatement, I feel so overwhelmed by the amount of things to do although it’s only the first day of week 2 in school. Wouldn’t call either of the major tasks at hand a burden because they aren’t, but sometimes life really gets too hectic but I guess that’s where proper time management comes in. & consistency is the way to go, so the backlog wouldn’t accumulate till I get buried six feet under within towards the end of the semester. 

Things happen, and we learn. Because nobody is perfect, & ultimately everyone makes mistakes. But it’s about the compromise that should be valued, yet clearly neglected in society these days. We are all unique, we are all special in our own ways, and we lack in ways that differ from others – some noticeable on the surface, while some are hidden well but will eventually surface. It’s one thing to be able to accept everyone for who they are, all their flaws & imperfections. It’s another thing (and of a higher level I must say), to be able to accommodate & fit your personality with those of others, to form the perfect puzzle. The ideal team possible, but of course in reality there will be cracks here & there.

Feeling so lethargic as I type this, and I blame 8am lectures (without webcasts). This entire week will literally be Outreach stuff everyday, but no regrets :’) Because I see the meaningfulness in CSC matters, & it serves as a distraction from stress resulting from school work. Yes, there’s stress from YR stuff, but it’s a different kind of stress that pushes one to the fullest potential, & striving to make things better and refined. It’s so heartening to see the number of sign-ups for the talk, hope Outreach will be a success for not only RVPs in Children/Youth sector, but for all RVPs in all 3 sectors hee. Everyone’s really working hard preparing for Outreach, and it’s happening so soon after weeks/months(?) of planning. 

Another matter lingering in my head that I have been pondering about over the past few days. Have any of you ever felt, or had the sudden realization, that you have been taking someone for granted? It’s like you’re so comfortable with the fact that someone is constantly appearing in your life, that one day when they decide to go, you can’t help but to be hit with that pang of emptiness. Hollow, confused feelings. What’s the deal with this? It really reminds us the old cliche saying,

Don’t take the people around you for granted.

Cliche, but constantly overlooked & forgotten. I’m not one to display my feelings (except to a few close friends), so as much as I may seem unaffected by it, it’s the truth that it has hit me so hard, more than anyone can ever imagine. Think of someone who you hold the dearest most to in your heart. It can be someone blood-related to you, a lover, friend, or anyone at all. Then, hypothetically think of how you would feel if they were to leave. Hurts as hell right? So start treasuring the people around you, and really, really, stop taking them for granted. Nobody will be there forever because forever is a blatant lie. So live with it, and start appreciating the little things in life from now on.

So tired, both physically & mentally, so here’s hoping for a good rest tonight x

I never told you

“Love goes two ways.” 

Yumin told me that just now & I realised how true it is. Hence posting it here, it’s a simple sentence with 4 mere words and yet it’s so deep in its meaning. So many different types of love exist – admiration/friends/attraction etc. Love really goes both ways, it can either make you the happiest or saddest girl on earth. It’s amazing how much love can turn moods up & down in the blink of an eye.

Should be on a hiatus to concentrate on mugging for finals but I had to blog about the above quote before I forget so … here’s an update! Kind of tired of mugging already, but yeah have no choice but to persevere and press on. 12 more days before finals end, I can do this (:

Immense gratitude to the people who’ve stuck by me all these while, who’ve been listening to me rant & what-nots, showing care and concern for me in all ways possible, these people are the one who keep me going, when times get rough :’) Can’t wait for finals to be over really. Realised how much more appreciative I’ve been as compared to past years, but it’s a good thing right? It’s important to cherish all ’em loved ones.

V told me some time last week that mugging shouldn’t be because we have to do it, but because we want to do it. That way it will be so much more productive. And it dawned upon me how true that is, it’s a sudden realisation, something so simple yet important – something that I’ve failed to appreciate all these while. Putting aside all the requirements & what-nots, mugging turns a whole lot better & waaay more meaningful, if we mug because we want to, not out of obligations or whatsoever. Thank you V, for making me realize how important it was to understand that ❤ And for everything & anything, it means a lot.

Wanted to end the post with a picture-word post that I saw on tumblr but the picture’s a little scary so … I shan’t post it here! Although it looks cool but I really don’t want to scare people who visit endlessparadigm LOL. I’ll just quote the words:

Monsters are real, and ghosts are too.

They live inside us,

And sometimes,

They win.

We’re not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again x

Time turns flame to embers

“We stopped checking for monsters under our beds when we realized they were inside of us.”

Not looking forward to tomorrow at all. For one, we’re gon get linear alg + soci midterm papers back … and there’s also another reason. May everything go well, although I can foresee it to be a really bad day ahead already sigh. Shall just see how it goes ):

Finished one of the three books that I borrowed, will start on the second book tonight (: Reading really gets my mind off stuff. And that’s a good thing, considering how messed up my thoughts are right now ugh. Can’t decide which book to read first though, both seem so interesting *o* 

Coooool it just started raining YEY I love night rains (: The sky is weeping for me, tomorrow is my doomsday. And I really don’t know what to type already so I shall end this pointless post soon, thanks for taking your time to read this LOL.

“I think one of the saddest things is when two people really get to know each other: their secrets, their fears, their favourite things, what they love, what they hate, literally everything, and then they go back to being strangers. It’s like you have to walk past them and pretend like you never knew them, never even talked to them before, when really, you know everything about them.”

I don’t want any of my friendships/relationships to end this way ): But sometimes, it’s inevitable, isn’t it? Why must life be so complicated. If only time could rewind, things would have been so different, if I knew then what I know now. If only.

Sidenote, please let everything go well. Please let it be worth it. And no I’m not talking about academics for this.

x

Fire to ember, ember to ashes

Because not everything needs to be reciprocated the same way.

Update! It’s the Monday of recess week and to be honest … it was far from productive. And that sucks considering how soon midterms are hmm. Stupid me for choosing all 5 modules with midterms zz. Thankful that Genes & Society midterms are over, with full marks for the test thanks to A4 teamwork power (: It’s probably the easiest midterms ever seriously. At least that’s one down! Mid term schedule as follows:

01 Oct: Psychology

02 Oct: Living with Mathematics

04 Oct: Linear Algebra

09 Oct: Sociology

Did I mention (no obviously i haven’t) that psych midterms are AT NIGHT??? Way too cool and hopefully it’ll turn out well since I’m more of a night person than a daytime kind of person. Because of the cohort size for PL1101E, the midterms are gon be from 8-10pm. Hope it will be manageable, can’t afford to screw up this after all since I have hopes of majoring in psych x__x

And of course … amidst all the mugging & stress, super looking forward to 05 Oct ‘cos it’s INFINITE OGSSG (: Can’t wait for it, it seems so surreal, and it will be my first time going to moshpit for a concert. Mixed feelings, mega excited because I’ve been waiting for so long for it. And that’s one of my main motivations to get me through uni life so far … what lies beyond 05 Oct? ): Need to have something else to work towards already ugh. Can’t wait for OGSSG, I already know it’s gon be an awesome day of queuing + night of Infinite hotness *o* And of course the great company for the concert, every single bit of 05 Oct is making me all jumpy wheeeee.

Many events that I haven’t posted about and I will prolly post it all after midterms only …… including Hwach MAF 2013 + Kaile’s 1st Birthday Party! And many other random small stuff that I want to talk about I guess. These few days have changed my perspectives on someone big time and I’m … not sure if it’s a good thing sigh. But I need to be firm in what I believe in, shouldn’t I? It has been a long way, a long time, I should be feeling guilty of even thinking that way but ugh from what people tell me + what I read … I really don’t know what to believe in anymore. Help help help ugh

Complications aside, I swear my entire life has been a lie so far. And I’m living in a facade. But I’m cool with it, I guess.

 

x