Shots

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Sometimes you just need to cry & be sad.
You need to break down & be torn apart.
You need to learn to pick yourself up & put yourself back together.
Sometimes, the only way to be happy is to give into sadness first,
because without sadness, there is no happiness; you would never learn to smile.

The long-awaited recess week is FINALLY here! So here I am, after deciding to update endlessparadigm proper instead of the previous few short ones. Indulgence at its best these few days, evidentlyyyy.

Recess week started off really well (: Spent last Saturday at committee bonding session/outing, where we headed to Safra Toa Payoh for bowling session, before going to Raffles City/Marina Square/Suntec City … for llaollao & to shop around! Retail therapy is ALWAYS the best, although it’s hard to control spending (but I did!). Guilty pleasure in the form of materialistic items, it’s good to indulge once in a while hee. Hoping for more comm bonding opportunities in the future, this bunch of people are really awesome & such, it’s going to be an interesting academic year ahead, & I foresee reluctance to step down after this AY actually haha but okaaaaay I’ll cherish whatever time there is with the comm (: Everyone is so vastly different from each other, but I’m really hoping that we will all fall nicely together like puzzle pieces.

Sunday was a pretty … nostalgic one? Because it’s the last tuition session that I have with Char before her PSLE papers! Can’t believe that it has been more than a year since I started being her tuition teacher, it’s amazing how much we have progressed & the amount of rapport built in my term of teaching. There’s just this innocence in primary school kids that cannot be found in youths/teenagers/young adults/adults these days … somewhere along the way, in the process of growing up, this innocence just gets buried within. I’m definitely going to miss having 4h-long sessions with her every weekend, where along the way she’d share with me bits & pieces of her school life & what-nots. I feel really heartened whenever she shares such stuff with me because she’s definitely not obliged to, but her doing so shows the trust she has in me, & that she genuinely doesn’t mind sharing such info with me (: Rapport is really, really important. Might be tutoring her for secondary school work, shall see how it goes! I’ll cherish the loom bracelet & charm that she made for me as a teachers’ day gift, so so touched by these little actions :’) & she was really happy when she received the muji stuff I got for her as a farewell-cum-PSLE-encouragement gift hee. Little joys in lifeee, it can be in the form of such simplicity (‘:

Monday was insane. Mugging session with study buddy A! Decided to camp at CLB from 10am to 9pm haha, it was quite a productive session & I definitely use my phone waaaay less than when I’m studying at home & stuff. So it’s a good first step! Enjoy studying with A a lot since … secondary school days? & I really love mugging at CLB 3rd floor, it has been my safe haven since Y1S1, and definitely gonna continue to study there whenever the opportunity arises. Looking forward to the upcoming study sessions, in the meantime enjoy your trip & stay safe alright! x

Todaaaaaay. RVP Mass Meeting fom 10-1pm, & mentoring session from 4.30-9pm. So so tired, but damn worth it. Hmm so during RVP Mass Meeting, we wrote a letter to ourselves! On what we hope to achieve as a RVP chairperson + committee member + volunteer + ourselves. I find such things really meaningful, tried it before on my OCIP Cambodia team & felt like it worked out pretty well! Hoping that I’ll be able to fulfill whatever I penned down in the letter to myself, dated 23 Sept 2014. Perhaps I’ll post my letter up in a review post of my term as a member of YR in the future, shall see how it goes! Mentoring session today was an eye-opener. Mentored a new girl today, and I could say I felt the genuine pride & happiness upon each question she answered correctly :’) These youths are my happy little pills, the reason for me to pull through each hectic day of the week so as to meet them on our usual Tuesday evenings :’) As mentors, we indeed, have a lot to offer to the youths; but I sincerely believe that the youths have so much more to offer to us as well, and I can see (& witness) the potential in each & every one of them. So I hope that none of them will ever give up on themselves, because for one, I will NEVER give up on them (‘: Thank you youths, for allowing me to gain new insights & perspectives after each mentoring session. I love how overwhelmed with emotions & thoughts I feel after each session (in a good way of course), to the extent that attempting to pen down my thoughts are restricting my encapsulation of feelings. One thing’s for sure, I’m never giving up volunteering in my life :’) It’s waaaay too important to me.

Hmm so that’s for my daily updates … yup. Anyway these few days have made me see many things in different perspectives (yet again), & I think it’s really amusing/funny how you try to hard at all these futile attempts because I simply won’t acknowledge them anymore. Continue to try, but all I’m going to say is that the joke’s on you, because I’m not affected at all. Or at least I won’t show you I am. In this game of life, I won’t be the loser unless I deem so.

On a sidenote, crossing my fingers that things will be … okay. Don’t exactly wanna cross paths with you anymore though it seems inevitable so, hoping for the best. Because I don’t think I can take a second round of all that has happened in the past any longer yup. Really, really worried but I don’t want this to burden me anymore like it did last time. & I don’t exactly want my world to start crashing down again, now that it just started to get back on track.

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Got tagged to do the 20 facts about me, prolly will post it up soon! I really should stop all the late nights it’s getting unhealthy albeit not taking a toll on my physical health (as of now), despite the frequent headaches/migraines though I’m kind of used to them already haha.

Can’t believe I just typed such a long post! Till the next time x

Ride

But the truth is we never really grow up.

We just masquerade as adults,

because that’s what we’re expected to do.

Really short update because I don’t want to neglect this space just because of the upcoming exams (though I’ll acknowledge the importance of finals). The past few days have been … mugging & mugging, and more mugging. Not that I’m complaining, I’m actually really enjoying what I study now. It’s just the concept of “exams” and “grades” that really irks me, as though we’re forced to study just because we need/want to get good grades. Who says I can’t be reading up about these psych stuff because I’m genuinely interested, exams or not? But then again, society makes everything boil down to performing well in such tests … and hence it’s back to hardcore mugging ultimately for the sake of good grades. Well at least I’m enjoying, I really am. I see true meaning in the things that I’m studying (well maybe one or two mods are an exception), but otherwise all else is good 🙂

‘been listening to 4 songs on replay while mugging (courtesy of sis who let me download the songs into her phone ‘cos my iTunes has … certain issues which forbid me from adding songs currently ugh). These songs are more of the slow/ballad kinds, not upbeat, perfect for mugging 🙂 Not sure if I actually work well with listening to music while mugging but at least it keeps me more focused somehow, while the music I listen to drift into the background. It’s there, but I’m not paying attention to it as much, but at least it’s there. Go figure what the effects are haha, ‘cos honestly I’m not really sure too. Anyway the 4 songs are:

Ride – Lana Del Rey

West Coast – Lana Del Rey

Gods & Monsters – Lana Del Rey

House on a Hill – The Pretty Reckless

So evidently I’m a fan of LDR. West Coast is the first single released from her upcoming album Ultraviolence, the other two are from the Paradise Edition of Born to Die album released some time last year. There’s just something about the songs of LDR and her voice that matches so well & makes you fall deep into, nothing else really matters when you’re listening to her songs, it’s almost finding the peace within. The last song of the list House on a Hill, it was a looong process of how I got to know of this song. First I saw on twitter that Taylor Momsen (acted as Jenny Humphrey in Gossip Girl series) was quitting acting for good to focus on her music career – which shocked me because I didn’t actually know she was the lead vocals of a band (aka The Pretty Reckless). So I decided to give their album a try, and out of all the songs in their second studio album (released earlier this year), this ballad caught my attention almost immediately 🙂 And gosh I miss watching Gossip Girl, shall rewatch all 6 seasons after finals. And also to finish watching Pretty Little Liars season 4, can’t wait for Season 5 to be out omg *o*

Oh and Avril Lavigne is releasing her Hello Kitty music video in 2 days’ time, so damn excited for it like all the little black stars in my twitter timeline 🙂 And of course patiently waiting for Give You What You Like music video to drop as well. Awesome songs from her latest self-titled album, definitely worth a listen so please do when you can hee.

Alright it’s probably time to get off endlessparadigm, going to prepare some stuff for Char before I’ll commence mugging for the day. It’s tiring but it’ll be worth it – at least that’s what I always tell myself at times like these, don’t know if I’m delusional or psychoing myself into studying haha whoops.

8 more days till the first paper of finals, may these final 8 days of pre-finals mugging be nothing but productive. All the best to everyone who’s handling exams currently, it’ll be over all too soon before you know it, so persevere & it’ll be alright.

So till the next time x

Unapologize

MIDWEEK UPDATE. 1.5 weeks of lessons in Y1S2 has passed, it has been relatively hectic I don’t understand why (especially since tutorials haven’t started yet hmm). Looking forward to tutorial sessions now since I have friends (or sister) in all of my tutorial slots! And it’s really really important for me because I’m mega socially awkward, & most of my mods this sem has group work. Crossing my fingers that we will be able to form our own groups, but hey being assigned to a group isn’t that bad either. Maybe it’s time to make new friends! I really need to learn how to be less awkward/shy around strangers, it’s taking a toll on my social life. Just kidding, that social life of mine is non-existent, though I don’t mind it I guess. Having too many friends can get tiring at times (lol), ‘am satisfied with my life now (:

Met up with one of my closest friends yesterday, received such a thoughtful present that must have taken so much time (‘: Gratified. That’s all I will say, to sum it all up. Turning 19 last year in dec made me see so many things, how heartfelt the people around me can make me feel. Midnight loooong birthday messages/wishes, planned surprises, taking the time to meet up, various awesome presents & what-nots, thoughtful handwritten letters, etc. & even a snail-mailed birthday letter by Amanda, I was so touched :’) Nothing beats a sincere letter snail mailed, sometimes technology gets too in the way of life. So thank you to everyone, because these really do matter to me. And I feel loved. So thank you :* To those who have stuck by me throughout all these times.

Baked CNY goodies with the mum & sis over the weekends, it was pure insane baking from 4pm onwards, & by the time we finished packing up it was approx 1am or so already. Once a year affair, it was fun hee. Though I’m not really a CNY-goodie kind of person! But it was still an interesting experience, and I wanna go venture into different bakes! Super interested in red velvet because it is (one of) the love of my life *o* Maybe during the loong summer holidays, just maybe.

Need to be more motivated and buck up for studies! Overseas trip with friends during June shall be my motivation, but I’ll only feel more at ease/not have to worry about it when the flight tickets are booked so … x fingers, please let this trip come true, I really desperately need a getaway during the summer holidays ): I can imagine the amount of fun we will be experiencing already, because as much as I love going overseas in the comfort of having all my family members with me, it is a different feeling altogether to go with friends (& sister) instead! Ahh plans please be confirmed soon.

A lot of thoughts in my mind, but too lazy to post/don’t wanna post them as of now hmm. Downloaded a new ebook to read, it’s a common read, and I hope it’ll be nice! Scratch that, I know it will be nice already (: On a sidenote, so excited for dinner on Saturday hee ^^

SHOUTOUT TO THE CRAZIEST UNI FRIEND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE HAHA. BECAUSE I KNOW YOU READ ENDLESSPARADIGM FOR IDK WHAT REASONS IT’S SO BORING BUT YUP HI x

From, To

I know the title of my post seems really weird/doesn’t make any sense. But it’s something that I saw on Tumblr that I really want to share because it was just like … whoa it made me so damn speechless when I saw it. Bittersweet sad post in just a few mere sentences.

Two months into our relationship you once asked me how much I loved you and I just said “From here”.

You didn’t get it and you got mad and you thought I was just playing around.

 

Breaking up after almost 2 years being together, I sent you a message 6 months later saying “To here.”

 

You still didn’t get it.

)’: It’s such a bitter feeling.

And this is basically what I’ve been doing these few days – Burying my head in books after books, notes after notes, mugging for finals. Honestly don’t except myself to get a good CAP this sem, I’m just hoping for decent grades enough to get me by. And I’ll repent & be a good girl from next sem onwards I promise! Since I somehow earned a reputation of constantly ponning lectures this sem … but some lectures are really a waste of time AND can be self-studied so I don’t see the point in being physically present, especially since there’s webcast as well. Not to mention the long travelling time from home to school, and then back home, that’s so much precious time wasted. Hence, ponning lectures is justifiable (who am I kidding). Next sem, I’ll be a good girl.

Remember my previous post about Avril Lavigne & how I wish that she’d come to SG for a concert? The morning after I wrote that post – my dream came TRUE. 5 Nov 2013, I woke up at approx 10am learning that Avril Lavigne is having her concert 15 Feb 2014 *o* And that the tickets have started selling since 9am (!!) So yes … I finally got my hands on 2 Cat-1 tickets, imagine the pure bliss & excitement that I experienced that morning (‘: 5 Nov 2013 was supposed to be a nostalgic day since it was the 1-month mark since then. But I’m glad this sudden surprise of Avril’s concert tided me through that entire day I was literally all smiles & what-not (:

Avril Lavigne Live in Singapore 2014 – Rawesome Tour

How good does that sound ^^ My tickets arrived in the mail a couple of days ago, keeping them safe because I’ll just kill myself if I lose them. So damn glad for a dream-come-true, just imagine seeing Avril Lavigne in real life, and most importantly getting to listen to her sing live omg I can’t contain my excitement *o* 

Oh yes and JIN made her debut on 8 Nov 2013, her debut song Gone is currently on replay (click on the title to watch the MV!) It’s so nice, the MV was so touching, the ending was so bittersweet :’) Just some background info for those who aren’t familiar, JIN debut as a solo artist for now, but she will officially debut & promote as a member of Woollim’s Girl Group early next year, alongside Baby Soul, Ji Ae, and a few other girls. Both Baby Soul & Ji Ae have made their solo debut, and JIN is the last girl from Woollim’s Girl Group to get to have a solo debut! JIN’s vocals are soooo good (just like Baby Soul) and a plus point is that JIN is so pretty omg. 

See what I mean? Really looking forward to Woollim’s Girl Group debut early next year (coupled with INFINITE’s comeback after their World Tour ends early next year as well). Have some reservations about Woolim’s Girl Group because of certain reasons but … I’ll hold my comments till their debut (: Really hope they won’t disappoint – after all Woolliment doesn’t disappoint, their artistes are awesome this way hee. Love the (translated) lyrics for Gone as well, I’m a sucker for bittersweet songs/lyrics.

In the place where we were together

In those moments where we could have walked together

I’m holding onto myself alone

In this place, even our future, my wishes have stopped

I’m standing here and you are gone

 

I’m sorry for the incoherent post but I’m just really typing whatever that comes to my mind hee.

Snapchat is awesome. Mega love my regular Snapchat buddies who never fail to make my day (several times) with ’em insane Snapchats (‘: Coincidentally, these are the people who keep me going every single day. Those whom I trust in my life, those whom I rely on so so so much for everything & anything. Play hard, work hard. It’ll ultimately be worth it, eventually.

Last thing before I end my post & head back to conquering Linear alg (wish me luck Lab Quiz in a few days ugh matlab … sucks). CLB is allowing overnight study, basically it’s open 24/7, should I should I? I’m the kind who can’t concentrate at home I end up doing useless stuff/ things not related to academics like updating endlessparadigm *coughs*. And studying in central library AND studying at night really makes me waaay more productive. Said this many times before, I’m not a morning/daytime person. My productivity rate shoots up at night as long as I get over the sleepy phase! Considering overnight study, anyone interested to join me?

Finals start in 16 days, PRESS ON. And it’s time to study go go jiayou don’t give up not now not ever (:

x

Ridiculous nostalgia

It’s 2.12am and I should prolly get to bed soon … but I’m not even sleepy. Don’t even know what I’m doing now staying up in an attempt to study (but failing very badly). Can’t help but to keep getting distracted here and there ugh |: Maybe I’ll do up a proper post later in the day if I’m free.

And I wanted to post something. But I can’t remember what I wanted to post. But I just thought of it a few seconds ago. My memory is failing me ): Ugh I hate it when I’m unable to recall stuff like that. And this temporary memory block thing is happening waaaaay too often these days ):

On a happy note, it’s just one day left to MAF I am so excited yey ex-hwach people see y’all around go for MAF okay it will be memorable for sure. Really can’t wait to meet my hierarchy babes + 7G, felt like I haven’t seen them in a million years and I miss them so much already ):

AND I REMEMBERED WHAT I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT YEY. As of 12 September 2013, I guess everything was finalised. Glad I made the decision, hope I will hold on to what I believe in for so long and … please don’t make me regret that decision. Now I’m really looking forward to it, life ahead please be exciting and kind to me alright (: It took courage to go for it, considering all the complications tied in etc. And yet I’m so glad that I’m not alone in this, and it’s a mega huge bonus to have one of my best friends to be in it with me. It means a lot, you have no idea at all how much difference it makes. Hence I’m really really happy now (:

Okay I can’t believe I took that long to type these few words, I can’t think properly at a time like this LOL whoops. I think I’m gon regret staying up when the fatigue kicks in later but … who cares right. It’s 2.19am, time to hit the books again okay I suddenly seem so studious yey (it’s nothing but a facade). Suddenly recalled of the times my friends called me mugger shiao when I clearly wasn’t one – maybe it was sarcasm HAHA.

Interesting fact of the day/night: my close friends like to call me shiao. And I like to be called shiao, I don’t know why. But it sounds nice. Even though it can refer to both me & my sis.

Another interesting fact of the day/night: I just realised/recalled that my sis calls me shiao too. Maybe everytime I think she’s talking to me, she’s actually talking to herself.

Last interesting fact of the day/night: I’m guessing you (yes you who’s reading this now) are just facepalming and LOLing at the rubbish I just typed.

2.22am and I shall end this highly incoherent post here, nights in advance

x