Summer

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Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you’re unlike any other?
You’ll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don’t wanna ever love another
You’ll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

And this post shall mark the last official day of the (non-existent) summer break, and tomorrow it shall be a fresh start as a Y3 undergraduate … as a Social Work major. Pretty excited for the modules this semester after browsing through the course outlines etc, may it have been a wise decision to take the leap. It’s not going to be an easy transition, especially since it’ll be the first time I’ll be taking 4 core modules (not to mention the fact that I’ve never taken any Social Work modules before). But it shall be a meaningful, enriching & fulfilling journey 🙂 At least my new course of study will complement my experiences as a volunteer in CSC, hopefully it’ll value-add & allow me to achieve deeper insights into the volunteering sphere.

Watched NUS Rag with A on 7 August, thanks for accompanying me to the event! First time watching The Sam Willows/Gentlebones live, amazing performances. The highlight (and main reason why I attended Rag) was for … Christina Grimmie! I remember watching her covers on youtube many years ago, and got utterly hooked & wowed by her talent! Then she went on to join The Voice, and was in Team Adam Levine, yet another of my celebrity crush HAHA *ultimate fangirl mode on*. Although she mostly performed her original songs during Rag which I haven’t been following, it was a love-at-first-hearing for Liar Liar – Christina Grimmie! The lyrics for Liar Liar are super nice, forever a sucker for such lyrics haha #teamgrimmie forever yaaaaay.

Sadness gives depth. Happiness gives height. Sadness gives roots. Happiness gives branches. Happiness is like a tree going into the sky, and sadness is like the roots going down into the womb of the earth. Both are needed, and the higher a tree goes, the deeper it goes, simultaneously. The bigger the tree, the bigger will be its roots. In fact, it is always in proportion. That’s its balance.

It’s not going to be a smooth-sailing semester ahead, but I’ll survive. Guilty of missing lectures frequently in the past two years, trying to make it a point to not miss lectures (to the best of my abilities), and actually pay attention during lectures instead of using my phone all the time whoops. Going for most lectures alone so … self-discipline! Time to start being productive again, and make each minute spent worthwhile. Really upset that S & Y are gonna be flying off for exchange super soooon, y’all will be dearly missed ): Not looking forward to having to send you guys off this weekend sigh can time pause, just for a while?

So excited to meet my youths tomorrow again hee. Last week’s session was a really good one with good attendance (11 youths hee). Please let the attendance rate be regular & consistently high! Last week’s topic was on Respect, to treat each other with a sincere heart & dignity. Had interesting conversations/discussions with our youths, it’s really heartening to witness them being serious & all during sharing sessions & not just taking them lightly. Learnt so much about & from them, hopefully they have great takeaways, as I’ve always had through all these interactions 🙂 Played a new board game called DixIt with our youths as well, hope to play it again tomorrow because it’s really, really fun hee.

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I don’t want to have to be the one who misses everything when everyone else has clearly forgotten. It’s mortifying. It’s mortifying to be the one who remembers. So I guess, it’s time for some closure. And I really hate being put in dilemmas, where my heart & mind clearly has different stands.

Soulmate, or not? x

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Enigma

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Sometimes beautiful things come into our lives out of nowhere. We can’t always understand them, but we have to trust in them. I know you want to question everything, but sometimes it pays to just have a little faith.

I think I’m suffering from post-C.A.N. syndrome (mildly), this is quite ridiculous haha. It still feels so surreal that Project C.A.N. has ended (or at least the official phases are over), just several loose ends to tie up. It has been an amazing experience in the past few months, and I wouldn’t have wanted to spend my summer any other way, if given the chance to restart summer of 2015 all over again. It was undeniably hectic, but more than worth it. I’ll miss the crazy van rides & all the manual labour, getting shocked/sian when the lights at Storhub went off after 15 minutes, all the inside jokes, fun & laughter. The friendships forged through Project C.A.N. are those tagged along with precious memories, which I’ll keep close to my heart 🙂 So, so bittersweet now that it’s over.

A close friend asked me this a few days back, “which was the best day of your whole C.A.N. experience?” And I answered 26 July, without any hesitation. 26 July was the day I joined Project C.A.N. for, right from the very beginning. To have allowed myself to go through the whole planning process, and finally witnessing the fruits of our labour during Distribute. Really happy to have gotten my friends volunteer alongside me on 26 July. They have been the ones listening to my rants, always checking up on my mental well-being throughout the past months, and being so understanding about my frequent absence/last-minute cancellations of plans. Hence it meant so, so much for them to actually participate in an event that had such a huge significance to me 🙂 Glad that it exceeded their expectations, and personally thankful for how willing they were to interact with the beneficiaries.

Started off Distribute with an uncertainty lingering, because of the 10-15 issue. But having experienced it for myself on Sunday, I’m glad for that leap of faith taken, for people who supported the idea, and for those who didn’t – they still allowed us to venture into taking that risk. At least it all went well 🙂 Personally enjoyed all the interactions with the beneficiaries, and yet at the same time, it was so disheartening to hear their stories – because there’s just that limit we can do for them. Albeit having this one-off event to perhaps alleviate their situation temporarily, what most of them really need is the intangible time spent with them.

It’s that fuzzy indescribable feeling in the heart upon leaving each beneficiaries’ house, witnessing their smiles with that tinge of sadness tagged along to it, feeling the warmth from their hands as they held onto, and reassuringly patted on my own hands; these moments are the motivating factors of why I chose to volunteer in the first place. I wish there were more things we could have done for them, to be able to spend even more time just enjoying their company, as much as they enjoy ours. Sharing stories, listening to how nostalgic they are over their past, and telling them that it’s okay, as long as they lived a happy & contented life, it’s more than enough :’)

Project C.A.N. XII might have had its ups & downs throughout the entire journey, but I’m glad it ended on a really, really good note. I’ll definitely miss everything, all of these, that constituted a meaningful summer 🙂

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Time passes slowly when you’re young, and quickens as you get old. Summer lasted forever when I was seven, but now it only visits. When I was seven the days had more hours than I had use for, and the distance between sun up and down again was a vast & lazy sprawl; now, when I look back, things seem to have happened with the most hectic and startling speed. The weeks & months have seeped into each other and become a span without feature & detail, riddled with cavernous holes.

This summer feels like some journey to self-discovery as well, to test my limits & boundaries, and to challenge myself to step out of my comfort zone. Made pretty crazy choices which I wouldn’t look back or regret, because everything happens for a reason 🙂 With everything that happened this summer, I’ve grown from my experiences as a whole, and (hopefully) became more mature hee. I know that I’m still lacking in many areas, but slowly, one step at a time, I’ll learn to conquer them and turn these weaknesses into strengths.

& maybe someday, you’d realise how thankful I am for your presence in my life; how inspirational/important you’ve been to me in this journey.

Soon, this chapter of my life will close, only to embrace the next chapter ahead 🙂 x

Thunder

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Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you’re unlike any other?
You’ll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don’t wanna ever love another
You’ll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

x

Whispers Untold

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We write in darkness. We love in alleys. We breathe into beige paper bags. Anything to mollify the confusion. Anything to simplify the math. I am beset, even by rest. And when I close my eyes, the world is still macaronic. I feel for the wolf about to be trapped in the landfill. I feel for the crab about to scamper  from the net. I feel for humanity when the brightness of sick knowledge falls from exorbitant air. But remedies abound. There’s a remedy for everything. And a remedy for every remedy. 

Life has been pretty much alright on average hee. Was feeling down a while ago, & yet the recent meetups have been the best remedy. It just makes me instantaneously better, worry-free, and felt like everything was … peaceful? And that everything just felt so right & that life was heading the right way. Can’t express how important I cherish physical meetups, because occasional outings definitely serve a deeper purpose than communicating via texts all day long. But of course the daily conversations are therapeutic in a different sense & I’m not complaining about those at all (albeit my mum having issues with me being on my phone so often whooops). 

Can’t wait for the 15-day getaway to Korea in July! It feels so surreal this getaway is occurring in 25 days … to think we started the countdown from 91 days! In the blink of an eye, we will be off to Korea already hee. But first, these few remaining weeks will be busy since it’s pretty much filled up like craaaaazy. Busy, tiring, yet meaningful & definitely worth it. Already looking forward to more meet-ups, perks of summer break yaaaay (:

Anyway just wanted to post some thoughts hmm. Feels rather ironic how I realise you’re trying to get the attention, and yet I’m blatantly … ignoring. Subtly, but surely. Because it’s kind of pointless, it doesn’t mean anything to me so I’m not going to put on a facade & entertain whatever you’re saying. To put it bluntly, it’s a waste of my time, so stop trying. Just so you know, you’ll achieve nothing out of it, so why don’t you stop wasting your time too (: In short, screw off.

Foresee my next update to be on 9 June because it’s a … special & meaningful day :’) Can’t believe the 4-year anniversary is approaching soon already hee till then x

Blue Velvet

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Sometimes, you can only feel something by its absence. By the empty space it leaves behind.

Really hyped up for Korea now after planning our itinerary, can’t believe we’re Korea-bound in merely 43 days (: Independent holiday trips are really just different from trips with family, albeit having to admit both are fun in its own different ways. Super excited for the days in Jeju, can’t wait to witness the breathtaking scenery in reality, a pity we won’t be viewing sunrise at the peak but … it’s for the best, or else we would prolly be burned out before we even head to Seoul.

Volunteer training + first comm meeting went relatively well, looking forward to the adventure camp with youths already! And this camp more or less mirrors my Guiding days with activities like outfield cooking, pitching & sleeping in tents, as well as the hitches/knots/lashings involved. Hope that it will be a good experience, & may the planning of activities etc turn out smoothly! Fingers crossed. & there’s comm lunch tomorrow before mentoring session … hopefully it will let the comm bond better & get to know each other well, so we can work properly all together to make the camp a success hee.

Priorities. I guess I don’t have that. Clearly there’s a stark difference between knowing your priorities & having priorities, and I admit I’m lacking the latter. Hitting the 20s soon in a couple of months, really got to get my life on track properly, sort out everything going on in my life, and perhaps come up with a To-Do List in life, after all that will make things more meaningful than the boring/mundane/scheduled life that we’re all currently living in. But we all learn along the way, all the mistakes made, regrets accumulated, they shape & morph our lives into the state it is in today. So it ultimately is true, when people say that whatever you’re facing now is nothing but made from your past. And you know that the ghosts of your pasts will come back to haunt you occasionally so … I guess we all just have to deal with that.

Gave advice to a friend recently about something really important/which pretty much determines the future path. Hope I didn’t give the wrong advice, the last thing I’d want is for regrets in this choice, because it’s life-defining. But with that said, everything happens for a reason, so if it’s meant to be, it will eventually be clear as to why certain decisions are forsaken for others.

On a lighter note, I finally finished tidying & redownloading ALL the songs back into iTunes, it was such a hassle, mega torturous process but I’m finally done! Retained waaaay less songs than what I had previously, but at least this frees up more space in my phone for new songs to come in (: Really hyped up for Infinite’s new album “Season 2” to be released on 21 May, as well as Lana Del Rey’s new album “Ultraviolence” to be released some time in June! Always welcoming fresh songs, both new & old, so do throw some recommendations if any!

Watched Divergent in the theatres some time last week, really love the movie it’s so, inspiring in some ways. Dauntless, this word has escalated its meaning through the movie & it really serves as a timely reminder to step out of our comfort zones & not be bounded by facades of what we think we should do for a safe & comfortable life. Because sometimes, that leap of faith is important, to expose ourselves to something waaay bigger than before, or rather enlightenment to a whole new aspect of life that we never imagined could have existed. Can’t wait for the movies of Insurgent & Allegiant to be out, & no doubt these 3 books are in my iBooks already hee, really good reads!

It’s the long-awaited summer break but I’m still tied down/busy with things so, till the next time! x

Wild Rose

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Belated post that concludes the end of finals! As of 06 May 2014: “Goodbye finals | freshie no more | HELLO SUMMER” (: with finals concluding, it marks the end of my official year one of uni life. Inevitably there has been many turns & turmoils along the way of these 2 semesters, but I’ll live with it. Wouldn’t have wanted things to unfold in any other way, glad for everything that happens because after all, everything happens for a reason (: Not sure if I’m trying to find solitude or peace within by using “everything happens for a reason” as the explanation for things that make me upset along the way, but at least it works as a cheer-me-up to a certain extent.

Everything that I wanted to say about being a year one student has probably been expressed along the way of my posts since endlessparadigm was created, so no need for any other words. I’m happy, I really am. 

So … post finals has been an indulgence since I’ve been heading out every single day since finals ended. Need to learn how to control my spending but, the shopaholic side of me has been suppressed for so long, I’ll brush it off as a guilty pleasure or whatever haha. Many things happening this summer break! Meet-ups & hanging out with all ’em friends, continue prepping my tutee for upcoming PSLE, heading to Korea with friends, and the weekly volunteering sessions + adventure camp! So hyped up for the adventure camp & it has been more than a month of worrying/since the interview, glad to have been given the chance to be secretary for adventure camp committee hee.

Really miss being a secretary since the Guiding days, wondering if the experience will be any different or the same eventually. Random bouts of memories keep flashing in my mind, specifically to the Guiding days, but then again it has been long since. Being a mere sec one of the patrol in 2007 to stepping down as PL + secretary in 2010, it was hell of a journey, and that’s prolly an understatement hmm. Whatever it is, looking forward to new beginnings, hope the adventure camp for youth rangers will be successful, can’t wait for first comm meeting + more updates 🙂

There were many things I wanted to post during the finals period but I didn’t want to succumb to the temptation of social media/using my laptop or else productivity will be down to zero alongside mega procrastination. It’s a tradition to be posting at least one quote in each post, and today’s quote will come from one of my closest friends! From a bipolar conversation that we had a week back:

But you learn and appreciate stuff as you grow up.

As much as there’s more hate, but there’s love and care too.

 

– A.L. (2014)

So true indeed hmm. It’s amusing how there are so many topics in a single conversation at the same time, ranging from seemingly deep discussions to those really childish 9 y-o like message exchanges. That’s the beauty of friends I guess, and the rapport in the friendship built within.

Oh and I finally painted my nails again after such a long time! But I couldn’t decide on a single colour + was too lazy to do intricate designs this time so I went with pastel colours (specifically one colour per nail). Kind of pleased with how the colour combination matches hee, maybe I should do this more often.

This post has been rather nonsensical at its best, thanks for reading k bye x