Reality

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You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you still can come out of it.

– Maya Angelou

The irony in the picture above screams too loudly – this is exactly what is not being done, when it’s the exact thing that we should be doing as a Social Work profession. Haven’t felt this kind of disappointment since I started my journey in Social Work, till this whole incident occurred.

Where is the so-called social justice that we are supposed to stand up for? Where is the advocacy that we claim to be doing? How can one seem so nonchalant about the fact that there may be safety compromises in a family – one that they are unwilling to engage because “the family hasn’t given their consent”?

Why is it that, a Worker is willing to rigidly follow policies – aren’t we there to help those that fall through the cracks of such policies? While we acknowledge that there are indeed policies there, why are you letting yourself be limited by these policies? The very fact that you realise there are limitations – shouldn’t you actually be doing something about it?

What is our purpose then? 

For the first time, I don’t know what to believe in anymore.

The anger within me is being surfaced by an underlying pool of disappointment. I’m disappointed at the service (or lack thereof) that is provided; I’m disappointed in the attitudes of the professionals that we’ve interacted with for this incident; I’m disappointed that the professionals are actually okay with such practices in their agency; I’m disappointed by the condescending tone that we received upon stepping into the agency & how we’re treated as though we’re totally clueless and don’t possess any knowledge at all.

& most importantly, I’m disappointed and ashamed to realise that all that I’ve believed in, all the passion and trust I have in this profession, this picture that I’ve painted mentally, is not all that it seemed to be.

It’s sad, and I acknowledge that this profession isn’t one that is fully recognised in our community yet. It’s sad that there are still misconceptions about what we do, or that we are powerless to help people. People may have their misconceptions, and while we strive to dispel them, maybe these misconceptions are built upon unsaid truths of people’s experiences. From what I witness through this incident, this agency is still, at its current development, no more than the hands of the puppet that policies control.

In the (near) future, may I never be someone that loses sight of the meaning of what being a Worker entails. Because today, I’m speaking as nothing more than a victim of the failure in service provided by an agency. & if I ever be such a Worker in the future, I will leave the profession.

And if I don’t, please make me.

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Énouement

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“Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
The Cheshire Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.
Alice: I don’t much care where.
The Cheshire Cat: Then it doesn’t much matter which way you go.
Alice: … So long as I get somewhere.
The Cheshire Cat: Oh, you’re sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.”

Letting this be a permanent reminder to self that getting lost in transition will only be temporary.

Recent conversations surrounding worldviews & perspectives have set me thinking a fair bit hmm. I would like to think that I’m very much aware of my worldview as a whole, my values & my beliefs. But how certain am I, or is this just a facade – are my views shaped through social constructs? Disregarding all other factors, what do I believe in?

Utterly lost in my sea of thoughts, unclear of what I’m expecting, undecided on how my future should look like. Decisions to be made soon, and I’m nowhere near to being able to even convince myself about what I want exactly.

The past can’t undo itself, nor will the value of those memories change because of the state of things now. I cherished the moments back then, and I still cherish the memories even now. Which kinda makes things more upsetting, because circumstances dictates that the past shall remain in the past.

May there be clarity soon.

Carpe Noctem

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Sometimes we get sad about things and we don’t like to tell other people that we are sad about them. We like to keep it a secret. Or sometimes, we are sad but we really don’t know why we are sad, so we say we aren’t but we really are.

Discussions & conversations surrounding social work in recent weeks have been … thought provoking, to say the least. Not sure what the future entails, uncertain about choices & decisions, tired of trying to figure things out.

Still not really over whatever happened earlier this month. Thought I was stronger than that but nope, it’s still affecting me just as much, if not more. I just don’t show it anymore. As much as I told myself to get over it & move on, it’s harder than it seems. Maybe regression of thoughts back to when things were pleasant served as a momentary escape, but when reality hits, it strikes a million times worse.

So much for trusting. And I can only laugh at the ridiculousness of the accuracy of a past sweeping statement, a foretelling prophecy. How bitter, how ironic. Unfortunately, closure is something that I need, and yet, closure is something I’ll never get. But all I want to ask is,

What happened?

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Clandestine

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Ending the hiatus because the need to get this off my chest is overwhelming me. Haven’t felt so awful in a pretty long while, and this feeling is really affecting me waaaaay more than it should.

It’s something I know I should do – and I’m not saying that I’m not gonna do it, but it’s hard. It feels awful, it feels terrible, to have to be put in such a situation.

The thing is, when I confide in people about it, I don’t expect them to understand (though I have this tiny hope that someone actually would). I don’t need people to preach to me about what I should be doing, because I’m objective enough to know what needs to be done, I just need to rant out the emotions.

It has been a crazy month, many things happened, many thoughts resurfaced, many issues recurring.

I can only hope that it’ll get better, but only with time.

Looking back, the summer has been nothing short of insane & crazy, and I don’t know how I survived but I only know through all that, what I’m certain is that I’m utterly burnt out.

Sometimes you need to take a step backward before you move forward again. Let your body rest, and your mind heal. Let the wounds mend, and time pass. Only you know when you are ready to begin again.

It’s week 4 and I haven’t started studying. I’m tired, and I need a breather.

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Silence

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The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.

More often than not, people engage in self-blaming & I am no less guilty than others of it. But recently after some conversations, I realised that my self-blame has been … impeding/restricting myself to a point where it isn’t healthy. Many things will take a wrong turn in life, there are some instances which we might really have been able to avoid, but what about those where the fault clearly doesn’t lie on our end?

Maybe sometimes we can only see the truth about ourselves if someone shows us where to look.

But it all boils down to the “what-ifs” yet again. And it doesn’t help that something so significant to me met with a screw-up, which resulted in failure. Maybe it’s my refusal to process it, maybe it’s my subconscious trying to deny the fact that it isn’t my fault. Maybe it’s just me trying to convince myself that I could have done more/better, so that I don’t feel as guilty to them. Maybe I didn’t have the right words, maybe I offended them unknowingly, maybe maybe maybe. And what if, I had the chance to do it all over again? How would I have done it differently? I honestly don’t know.

You don’t have to be good all the time. It’s okay to be hurt sometimes.
It’s okay to feel lost like you’re wandering around in the dark.
It’s the bad days that make the good ones so much better.
-Brittainy C. Cherry

Tired. Incredibly tired this time round.

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