Couper

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I would love so much to put into words what I feel inside, but no words will ever be enough to equal the vehemence of my feelings.

I’m constantly trying to find those words that can finally explain it.

But … no words can.

Maybe my silence.

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Atelophobia

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I can feel it through your empty eyes & I can hear all the screaming thoughts in that chaotic mind of yours. One day you will realise that this moment and the ones before & after, will shape you into who you are and will be. Feelings are not permanent. Life is temporary. But you, you can take it & make it worthwhile.

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The past weeks have been hectic & hence the lack of updates on endlessparadigm. It’ll be ridiculous to say that I’m burnt out since it’s only week 6 and I’ve barely started studying. Thank goodness for only one mid-terms this sem, although the tradeoff meant that more social agency visits & assignments are in place. Not complaining or regretting though, for those experiential learning will definitely serve as a good platform to gain more insights into the sphere of social work 🙂

On a sidenote, really miss the times when it was actually possible to have frequent meetups with friends. Really missing those two enjoying life in Korea currently, but thanks (especially Y!!) for always listening to the stuff I have to say and really promoting the free expression & freedom of speech in our conversations heh. Can’t wait to Skype you guys soon, and glad that nothing’s changed despite being a million miles away.

Not sure if it’s time to move on & attempt to close this certain chapter of my life – and yet I catch myself being unwilling/unable to bring myself to do so. After all, this still means a lot to me & I am still in the phase where I’m not willing to forgo it. Shall see how things progress along the way, and let things unfold naturally.

I don’t exactly know why I’m letting certain matters affect me more than they should, but through these I guess it reflects the importance of matters/people in my life? It’s the little things in life that mean the most, and it’s exactly these things that keep you motivated & keep going on. And yet it’s always those little things that defines you; and can either make or break you.

Honestly the transition isn’t easy, and I’m still trying to come to terms with everything that’s going on, the responsibilities, & dispelling the worries & what-nots, but it’s really harder than it seems. And I’m still trying, it’s tiring but I’m really, really, still trying. Muffled appeals for help will serve no purpose at all any longer anyway. Perhaps given the circumstances, it’s time to be truly independent. Let’s just hope I’m up for it.

Till the next time, for a breather x

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Born to Die

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Please don’t ask if I’m okay
I might do something stupid like open up to you
and I’m really tired of getting close to people
and watching them leave me like I’m nothing
So don’t ask me if I’m okay
Unless you mean it

But if you really are genuine about it
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart

Sometimes people ask us the wrong questions, so we cannot give them the right answers. But the worst part is when we become those people and ask ourselves the wrong questions, because we are terrified of hearing the right answers.

Don’t ever use someone’s past against them. You’re just reminding them of the mistakes they made back then. If you watch their facial expressions carefully, then you’ll see the hurt in their eyes as they reminisce everything that happened. Never use emotions as a weapon, it strikes deeper than you can imagine.

I’m just so sick of everything, literally & figuratively okay bye x

Broken

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No matter how careful you are, there’s going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn’t experience it all. There’s that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should’ve been paying attention. 

 

Well, get used to that feeling. That’s how your whole life will feel some day. This is all practice.

These few days/today have been worse than hell & I don’t know how to cope with all these anymore. Too many thoughts on my mind, will post proper again sometime soon.

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But you are my once upon a time.

Till the next time x

Beating Heart

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If only there could be an invention that bottled up a memory, like scent.

And it never faded, never got stale.

And then, when one wanted it, the bottle could be uncorked,

and it would be like living the moment all over again.

Realised I haven’t been posting much these days, blame it on the stress from school, blame it from the lack of self-discipline, blame it on the laziness or whatever haha. Decided to post a quick one before I start the day proper, aka mugging/final assignment etc! 

Finals are approaching really quickly, ended the final project for the sem yesterday, and just when I thought I was done with assignments as well … one final assignment pops up during lecture ytd & it’s freaking due this Saturday ugh, hopefully I won’t end up screwing it up though I really don’t understand how to approach the assignment at all. Shall spend some time staring at it later in an attempt for some inspiration for what to write haha sigh alright perseverance is the key to success.

Yesterday was the worst day of the year so far, down with stomach flu/food poisoning. Felt really nauseous & ended up vomiting approximately 10 times or so within an hour, while waiting for my mum to fetch me home (in turn causing me to pon a lecture but I guess this is a legit reason). Literally felt like dying, uncomfortable/miserable is an understatement of what I felt yesterday. Kept breaking out into a cold sweat, could barely walk a few steps without feeling like I was going to wobble and fall, really light-headed. Basically one word: Bad. And I don’t ever want to experience that ever again. Thankful for medicine at home, took them and crashed for a few hours, woke up feeling slightly better & managed to keep apple slices down. But felt slightly nauseous again at approximately 10pm, so took med & headed to bed for an insanely early night. With all that said, thankful for the friends who showed concern, feeling waaaay better already 🙂 At least better than the mess I was yesterday haha. Can’t afford to be ill anymore with finals just round the corner, everyone please stay safe & healthy!

Really worried about something although I know I shouldn’t. If it’s meant to be, it will be. And if it isn’t, then it just isn’t. Shouldn’t worry/dwell too much into such thoughts. I guess it’s cos of hope, that’s making me so anxious. Ah well, shall wait out, and see how things unfold from there (: In the meantime I will stop thinking about it.

Beating Heart, the title of this post – the title of a song by Ellie Goulding 🙂 Freaking awesome song that’s really unique, and it’s one of the soundtracks for Divergent (which I have yet to watch omg). Recommended by Adelyn, so before listening to Beating Heart I knew I’ll love the song already. Because since 2007, every song recommended by Adelyn are songs that suit my taste. Beating Heart is really worth a listen, downloaded it & it’s currently on replay mode. Many many songs/albums to check out after finals, can’t wait to go song hunting! And Lana Del Rey’s going to release her album sooon, can’t wait for the first single West Coast to be out. Apparently the style of her upcoming album Ultraviolence will be similar to her previous albums, this is getting me so hyped up already hee.

My motivation for getting through finals is in 83 days’ time. I know it’s too early to countdown but I can’t help because it’s just so exciting + talking to Yumin & Sheryin about it every other day/how we are slowly starting to plan etc is making me look forward to it a lot. Time needs to fly past quickly, as long as finals are over, the freedom will set in omg hee & proper planning will start!

As the exam stress kicks in, everyone tends to get moodier & what-not. And I feel detached from the world & from my friends (prolly cos I reply less frequently idk), although it’s quite a nice feeling to be taking a break from social media/society in general. Slowly pulling away and cooping up in my safe haven, pondering over things that were once neglected due to the fast-paced lives we lead. Despite all that, I feel unspeakably lonely, and I feel drained. Really drained. It is like a blank state of mind and soul that can’t be described as it probably won’t make any difference. It’s like a private feeling I get – that of melting into a perpetual nervous breakdown. I am often questioning myself what I want to do, who I wish to be; which parts of me, exactly, are still functioning properly. And yet no answers, no answers at all.

Till the next time x

Falling Fast

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There are times when you feel like the world is full of people that have either forgotten about you or are disappointed in you. Sometimes the feelings don’t even come from actual conversations with these people, but things you’ve played over and over in your head so much that they have mutated into something else entirely. Either way, it all just feels like too much.

So drained, so tired. It has been hell of a week thus far, and it’s only going to get worse. Hoping to have the strength to persevere, proper update soon I guess x